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VOLUMN VII—ZII2
MATHER HYATT TO RUN
FOR GOVERNOR IN 1960
WEST GEORGIAN RECEIVES THREATS
Miller Fears Life
As Paper Is
Printed
Rival Paper To Be
Established Or
Else ! ! !
Mysterious notes signed the
Hoot’in Holler Democrat have been
received by Editor Miller threat
ening the existence of THE WEST
GEOGIAN, the South's Greatest
Junior College Newspaper, unless
the editors met certain require
ments of the mysterious band.
These letters stated that this was
to be considered as a sequel to the
Ku Klux Klan threats in Atlanta.
The notes set forth exact de
mands and requirements for The
West Gorgian to meet, as follows:
1. You must refrain from writ
ing in your column about people
who cram before exams and give
more publicity to the greatest act
upon the face of God’s green
earth—Lollywogging, because the
Constitution of the United States
definitely says that every person
is enitled to life, liberty and the
pursuit of happiness.
2. Associated-Editor Hurt posi
tively must not write another edi
torial on inactive clubs. If he
thinks they are inactive why
doesn’t he do something about
them? He is in quite a few but
nevsr does any active work.
3. And we want to see a paper
with more ads in it, who cares
about reading dry news articles—
Business Manager Dunaway must
give us more of those interesting
ads, and on the front page too —
we want a good paper.
4. Then here’s the matter of
George Marvin Martin and his
crusade for a reform in chapel
speakers. We feel that ON THE
WAR PATH should be devoted to
the development of degenerate
days of dinner dances for democra
tic doctors.
The mystery notes went further
by giving warning that if these re
quests were not carried out con
spirators would establish a paper
in competition with the student
publication to be called THE
HOOT’IN HOLLER DEMOCRAT.
It is reported that all West
Georgian officials have sworn to
protect the paper with their heart’s
blood, and all of them have two
body guards each.
The editors stated that they be
lieved the conspirators to be two
gun John Robinson, Ex-editor
Waits and Scarf ace Hyatt.
WEST GEORGIA COLLEGE, MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1940
Unidentified Twosome
Found Dead On Campus
Yesterday the coroner’s jury aft
er having convened announced
that the death of a popular young
couple at WGC was attributed to
exposure.
Upon investigation it was found
that the couple ventured out, in
nocently enough, to bask in the
early spring sunshine and perhaps
pick a few of Che first sweet buds
viewed from the dormitory win
dows.
It is reported that just as the
innocent victims were comfortably
seated ’mid the soft green grass
and fragrant blossoms, the winds
rose, the calm ceased, and that
never-to-be forgotten Easter blun
ter arose.
Evidence of a struggle to gain
Attention Lollywoggers: Learn How To Kiss!
West Georgian Publishes Articles On
Well Known Subject By Renown Author
(Editor’s Note: This is the
first of a series of 1001 articles
oh kissing by Dr. I Wood Petum
first published in the Hoot’in
Hollow Democrat. Dr. Petum
is the foremost authority in his
field. For the last four years
he has traveled from Hollywood
to Central Africa, making an ex
tensive study on the art of kiss
ing. For these studies he used ap
proximately 4,000 subjects.
Webster’s new International Dic
tionary, commonly called “the su
preme authority, defines a kiss as:
(1) “the act of touching or press
ing with the lips, as in love or af
fection,” or (2) “a sweetmeat made
of beating egg whites and sugar,
baked lightly.” For this discussion
the former definition will be used.
The origin of kissing goes beyond
historic times and is lost in the
cobwebs of antiquity. Kissing
probably began about sixty million
years ago. Animals far down the
evolution ladder exhibit the habit
of billing and cooing. Several spe
cies of bloodsucking, venomous in
sects of the order Hemiptera are
called kissing Bugs.
“Today, kissing is a common re
sponsibility of both sexes. But in
prehistoric times it was the task of
the man to kiss. This is due to
the fact that his face was so com
pletely covered with hair that he
was the only person who could
locate his mouth, the principal or
gan used in kissing.”
It is certainly evident that the
science of kissing made tremendous
safety were prominent but so un
suspected was the sudden fickle
ness of Nature, that even a WGC
couple highly skilled in the art of
rapid escape from faculty members
found it impossible to reach shel
ter. The girl clutched tightly in
one hand a small bouquet of flow
ers and with the other gripped the
boy’s arm as he endeavored to as
sist her to safety.
Thus in the future it is believed
that the fancy of young men at
WGC will turn, not to the prover
bial thoughts of love and stuff—
for that’s too uncertain at this
time of year but to more practical
things such as overcoats, red flan
nels and snow shoes.
progress from the time of the cave
man until recent times. Its might
iest adversary of all times is the
smearing lipstick of this century.
Far-seeing authorities on the
science of spooning agreed that
this kind of lipstick would prob
ably have caused kissing to fade
into non-existence had not Dr.
Katzoff, medical director and psy
chiatrist of the San Francisco In
stitute of Human Relations, made
the startling discovery that “A gen
uine kiss generates so much heat
it destroys germs.”
This discovery rejuvenated the
custom of kissing; but, as all im
portant discoveries do, it created
new problems. One of these is the
new relationship that was created
between boy and girl. The girl of
ten wonders whether she is kissing
her for love or for immunization
against influenza or smallpox.
But now to get back to the his
tory of “’smacking.” Carvings of
the tombs of the Pharaohs of an
cient Egypt proved that it flourish
ed at that early date. 'Die knights
of King Arthur’s Court knew no
better sport than caressingly coddle
a young maiden. Dante, in his
Commodia, relates that Paola and
Francisca Da Rimini were cast in
to the, Inferno because, to use
Francisca’s own words, “He . . .
kissed me upon the mouth.”
About the Seventeenth century
kissing was introduced into the
French Army. This kiss was a
soft kiss on the forehead and still
exists in military circles.
During this time the Eskimos
GOVERNOR (?)
MATHER HYATT, candidate lor
Governor in 1960, with his in
imitable smile and little polka
dotted bow-tie.
were developing a technique by
which the inconvenience of the
sub-zero atmosphere might be over
come and yet retain the warmth
and fervor of a southern kiss. This
finesse and delicate accomplish
ment was made possible by ‘the
rubbing of noses.”
“Modem kisses can be divided
into four general types. The first
type, known as the soft-boiled type
is of only a few seconds duration.
The second type, or the hard-boil
ed kiss, is of fifteen or more min
utes or more duration. The third
type is the kiss commonly begun at
the completion of a film. It is call
ed the endurance kiss. The fourth
type is known as the scrambled
kiss.” It is carried out when either
of the above types is interrupted by
a passing professor or by a phone
call.
On February 31, 1940, the ASFT
PAEOMABK (American Society
of the Promotion and Encourage
ment of More and Better Kisses)
met at Kansas City, Kansas. There
was much debates as to what was
the best method of kissing. But
the leading authorities finally
agreed that a combination of
Stark’s “Touch-em-and-tease-em”
method and Eley’s “Grab-em-and
growl” method would bring the
most careful Diana into the won
derful garden of kissdom.
I shall attempt briefly to sum
marize this method and to tell how
it can be performed in five easy
steps.
1. Get a woman, preferably be
(Continued on Page Three)
Van Wright and BiU Alexander
wanted their name in the paper—
Here it is. P. S —also Raymond
Muggridge.
NUMBER TWELVE
Heard County Boy
To Throw Hat
In Ring
Local Radio Station
Broadcasts Speech
To .Listeners
This morning, in a raido
speech that startled mil
lions, Mather Hyatt, popu
lar young student at West
Georgia College announced
his intentions of becoming
a candidate for governor of
Georgia in 1960.
Hyatt, ringleader against
the widely know Hurt Graft
ers’ Association, was born
at the first house on the far
side of Big Bear Creek, in
the Eastern side of renown
Heard County.
X-CLUSIVE
The oration began this morning
at 4:30 (Genola time) over Station
GIN, the Breath of West Georgia
College. This unusual time was
selected in order that Dr. John R.
Wrlnkley might bring his daily
“beauty tips” to West Georgia
girls.
Young Hyatt dealt death dealing
verbal blows at the present econo
mic and political status of his dear
beloved homeland. Tears stream
ed down the faces of his spell
bound audience as Centralhatche’s
cutest candidate, not to be confus
ed with Hollis Wortham) blasted
all the “isms” from Nazism to
Rheumatism,
A rolling wave of applause filled
the auditorium as Hyatt continued
his “snearful-tearful” attack on
Hoover, Roosevelt, Hitler, Ford,
Stalin, the Paul Hurt Grafter’s As
sociation, Ed Rivers, Gene Tal
madge, Rhett Butler, Kari Marx,
Ellis Arnall, and the Heard Coun
ty Association for the Promotion of
Railroads.
The National Anthem was play
ed as Hyatt staggered back to his
seat where his secretary, Maggie
Pearl Botts, resumed her position
on his knees.
Hyatt stated that he was backed
by a perfect campaign staff. His
campaign manager is none other
than that rich, roaming romeo of
romantic rural regions, John Tal
madge Robinson, Esq. Robinson,
of the Hoot’in Hollow Democrat,
is widely known among pool and
bar room groups. Robinson came
(Continued on Page Three)