Newspaper Page Text
The Southern Cross, Page 8
Thursday, May 25,2000
Steps toward knowing
your teen more fully
By Mary Jo Pedersen
Catholic News Service
M
.om: “Hi Pete, how was school
today?”
Pete: “OK.”
Mom: “Did you have that big math
test?”
Pete: “Yeah.”
Mom: “Well, how’d it go?”
who I am or what I’m doing, so go
figure!”
Despite these developmental
hurdles, parents can take some
practical steps toward knowing
their teens better.
■ ■ ■
Here are nine practical ways par
ents can protect and nurture their
children by knowing more about
them.
resources is part of life training.
4. Celebrate you child’s life around
birthdays, holidays, exams, impor
tant sports events. Acknowledge
“firsts” like first shave, first date, first
car use, first paycheck. You can do
this with special foods, privileges, af
firming words, pictures or whatever
suits your teen.
This lets them know you value
their lived experiences and are inter
ested in their lives.
5. Pray for your
children. Let them
know you are praying
for them when they
take the driver’s ex
amination or chemis
try test. Ask them to
pray for you and your
special needs.
The more you tell
them what is going on
in your life, the more
likely they will be to
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is going on in their space. Enforce
some cleanliness standards that re
quire a degree of parental inspection
of bedrooms and other teen spaces
on a regular basis. Start when they
are young so that these room checks
are not a sudden infringement on
privacy.
If you find something suspicious
and don’t know how to approach your
child about it, ask a counselor or call a
parent-assistance line about how to
proceed.
9. Know what is normal adolescent
behavior. Many good books or articles
on teen growth and development are
available.
Next to blood-pressure medicine,
this information helped me keep my
cool when teen-agers’ behaviors were
incomprehensible to me!
m u ■
An essential element in knowing a
child has to do with understanding
and respecting his or her uniqueness.
arents can take some practical steps toward
knowing their teens better,... Tune into the teen
subculture, as unappealing as it may seem to you....
Familiarize yourself with the TV shows teens watch,
their music and the movies they see. 9 ’
CNS photo by Karen Callaway
Pete: “OK.”
Mom: “Anything else new?”
Pete: “No.”
Mom: “What’s going on this week
end?”
Pete: “Nothing much.”
Pete has dropped his books and
jacket, completed the refrigerator and
cupboard pass, and is headed for his
room. Sound familiar?
To Mom, this is the familiar daily
effort to get to know her teen-age son.
To Pete it’s the daily parental interro
gation.
Parents are not likely to get to
know everything they want to know
about. their teens. A teen’s intense
need for privacy and autonomy
clashes with the parent’s increasing
curiosity about what that child actu
ally is doing in his or her room locked
up for hours.
Teens want to appear grown up,
independent and self-sufficient, so
they usually aren’t willing to reveal
their vulnerable side to parents or
anyone else.
Teens also are working hard at try
ing to figure out who they are.
“Don’t go trying to figure me out,”
said one frustrated daughter to her
inquisitive dad. “I’m not even sure
1. Stay involved in their lives. De
spite the embarrassment some chil
dren feel about having a parent
around, be a steadfast presence. Get
involved in school activities. Volun
teer even if they ask you not to.
Get to know the leaders of the
youth group at church, the teachers
at school, sports coaches and your
children’s boss at work.
2. Tune into the teen subculture, as
unappealing as it may seem to you.
Read the school newspaper, glance at
a teen magazine now and then. (You
don’t have to subscribe to magazines
that ridicule your values, but become
aware of what is in them.)
Familiarize yourself with the TV
shows teens watch, their music and
the movies they see. Engage them in
conversation about the messages soci
ety gives them. Voice your concerns
and values, without beating your
teens over the head.
3. Be around, be supportive, be at
home as often as you can.
Sometime after puberty, teens
want to isolate themselves. Don’t en
courage teens to isolate themselves
from the family by allowing tele
phones, televisions or individual com
puters in each child’s room. Sharing
share their concerns
with you.
6. Have family
meetings regularly to
create a family calen
dar, catch up on what
is happening with
each family member
and plan ways to sup
port one another in the
coming weeks. You
will find simple guidelines for family
meetings wherever parenting re
sources are available.
7. Talk with other parents. Form
informal networks with other par
ents.
8. Be observant. Respect your
children’s privacy, but know what
FOODFORTHOUGHT
Like snowflakes and butterflies, each
child is a singular creation. Compar
ing your teen to others gives the im
pression that you really don’t appreci
ate or know who he or she is.
Knowing and respecting each
child’s unique gifts and limitations is
a life-long task for parents — a task
worthy of great effort. Why? Because
knowing and loving children that way
reflects for them the kind of love their
Creator has for them.
No parent does this perfectly. Just
being faithful to the effort is sufficient.
(Pedersen is coordinator of the
Leadership in Family Life Training
Program for the Archdiocese of
Omaha, Neb.)
Asserting that parents should know their teen-agers as well as possible
is a truism. Nonetheless, parents suspect instinctively that this involves a
risk.
What we learn about our teens by really listening to them may cause
us to rejoice. There are wonderful things they do, or that they
understand and believe. Were thrilled!
But in really listening to teens we also could learn some unexpected
things that we aren’t at first sure we want to know — that concern or
alarm us. We may not know immediately how best to respond to a child’s
fears, to new friends, negative behaviors, doubts or confusion.
Why take this risk?
One reason for knowing our teen-agers better is to influence and guide
them, protect them, get help for them. Those are all things we parents do.
And I believe there is another reason for knowing teens well. By
knowing them on a new plane, we gain the opportunity to change our way
of responding to them — to respond to them as they really are.
That can be difficult at first, but it opens the door to growth for
everyone involved.
22 David Gibson, Editor, Faith Alive!
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