Newspaper Page Text
The Southern Cross, Page 8
IFsdtii Miry©3
Thursday, June 1,2000
Locating the
of family life
By Andrew and Terri Lyke
Catholic News Service
~T:—
X he family is a system, an orga
nization with rules, goals, purpose,
leadership and conflict.
In businesses, conflict must be
handled so that the organization
doesn’t lose sight of its goals and stray
from its purpose. Conflict that esca
lates to violence is out of bounds.
Rules and civil laws protect organi
zations from violence. However, when
violence erupts in the family, those
protections aren’t nearly enough.
Families need deeper healing and
faith for restoration and renewal.
They need God.
Any organization of two or more
people will have conflicts. Different
perspectives, needs, personalities,
goals and drives inevitably will fork
the road.
However, good organizations learn
to manage conflict through compro
mise, negotiation, persuasion and sac
rifice. This is true of business organi
zations, social clubs, community
groups and church organizations, as
well as families.
But certain “guiding principles”
can serve as the invisible hand that
successfully directs organizations
through conflict. In business, for ex
ample, the financial bottom line may
serve as the guiding principle that
motivates conflicting views toward
coalescence, if not consensus. For the
sake of a common goal, members may
even agree to disagree.
However, family life isn’t nearly as
focused as business. Family conflict
often generates from separate agendas
competing for primacy.
■ ■ ■
A desire to keep peace in the family
may restrain members from going to
extremes to advance their personal
agendas. But a lofty ideal such as this
sometimes seems too ethereal to rein
in self-centeredness.
What helps to keep the peace in the
family is:
—Our understanding of what it
means to be in conflict.
—Working for peace where it mat
ters most, and
—Knowing when conflict could
erupt into violent language or physi
cal violence.
An outward appearance of tranquil
lity could result from indifference. But
true peace at home comes from living
in the midst of conflict and nonethe
less choosing loving behavior for the
sake of the family.
Family life without conflict might
be boring and stagnant. Friction actu
ally pushes and stretches us. Through
conflict we learn about each other and
learn how to live with each other; we
discover what each one needs.
As a result of conflict we experi
ence our diverse needs or wishes in
pronounced ways. So we are learn
ing to appreciate each member’s
uniqueness.
■ ■ ■
Soft voices and calm ways of doing
things don’t necessarily reveal that a
family is at peace. True peace comes
from living in the light of truth.
What do I mean by this?
The truth we know and believe as a
family is that each of us is born into
amily life without conflict
might be boring and stagnant.
Friction actually pushes and stretches
us. Through conflict we learn about each
other and learn how to live with each
other; we discover what each one needs.”
love, with God-given dignity and
worth, and that our family is sacra
mental, blessed by the sacraments of
the church, a living witness to God’s
presence.
When self-centeredness or anger
tempts us to view a family member or
the family as a whole outside that
light, we clash with the truth.
When family conflict shades us
from the light of this truth, hurtful
words, selfish actions, emotional and
spiritual violence may be
gin to take their hidden
toll, even when no physi
cal violence occurs.
When our actions deny
our dignity and denigrate
our family’s holiness, the re
sulting violence separates
us from the light of truth.
Our sinful nature also is part of the
truth about us. We will at times be
self-centered. Our anger will at times
lead us to say hurtful things. We
sometimes will forget that we are a
reflection and witness of God’s love.
Because of our human frailties, we
are susceptible to various forms of vio
lence in our families.
Finally, the same violence that
threatens the broader society may
creep into family life. In a world that
FOODFORTHOUGHT
To create a climate at home in which children absorb the message that there are effective ways to solve big
problems peaceably, family members need to show each other respect.
Notice that I said “show” respect, not just “have” respect. The respect I’m talking about ought to be visible.
I’m sure a virtually endless list of ways family members can show respect for each other could be developed. Why
not develop your own list?!
For starters, people who respect each other don’t ignore each other for long. They acknowledge each other’s
presence and show that they welcome it.
When family members respect each other, they carry out some tasks together. Their relationship has a
cooperative dimension, showing that they recognize each other’s strengths and energy limitations, showing also
that they enjoy being together.
Family members show each other respect by:
—Acting in ways that are supportive.
—Not having unreasonable expectations of each other.
—Listening to and learning from each other; honoring the other’s insights.
—Practicing the virtue of patience.
—Attempting to discover, over time, how the world looks through the other’s eyes. David Gibson
23 Editor, Faith Alive!
CNS photo from The Crosiers/Gene Plaisted
suggests it is fine to classify and rank
people according to material wealth,
genealogy, race, education, intelli
gence and religious or political affilia
tion, violence among the disenfran
chised is predictable.
What erupts in the streets of urban
cities is just one of many different
manifestations of the violence that re
sults when the truth that we all are
created equal is denied.
To stay focused in the family on the
light of truth, we regularly go to the
well of the living waters. Through
prayer, worship and service, we are in
relationship with God. We pray daily,
worship regularly and serve the
people of God frequently as a family.
Our relationship with God doesn’t
preclude conflict in the family. It does,
however, help us to remember that we
are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood,
a holy [family], God’s own people” (1
Peter 2:9).
That’s the bottom line of family life:
that we are God’s family. The invisible
hand that guides us is the hand of God.
(Andrew Lyke is coordinator of
marriage ministry for the Archdio
cese of Chicago. Terri Lyke is coordi
nator of marriage ministry to the Af
rican-American community for the
archdiocese.)
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