Newspaper Page Text
Thursday, June 1, 2000
IFnatlh Alihrsl
The Southern Cross, Page 9
Manipulating and
controlling our lives
with others
By Father Herb Weber
Catholic News Service
In a discussion of forgiveness, I
asked a class of young children what
they should do if someone pushes
them on the playground. One boy
quickly answered, “My dad says I
should push back, but harder.”
I asked why the father may have
said this, and the boy explained that
his father always says that “people
will take advantage of you unless you
make it clear you can handle your
self.” Obviously, violent ways of han
Most would not think of themselves
as violent people. Yet their approach
to problem-solving often uses power
and control rather than negotiation
and attempts at understanding.
Often people frame in their minds a
choice between being strong and being
a pushover. Strength is equated with
getting your own way. Being a push
over, as the child quoted his father,
means allowing others to take advan
tage of you.
The lesson to learn is that strength
does not flow from control.
I recall a seminar with college stu
dents on peaceful conflict resolution.
Someone gave Gandhi as an
example of a pacifist. Several
students objected until they
realized that the person was
not calling them to be “passiv-
ists,” but “pacifists.”
CNS photo by Bill Wittman
eaching acceptance and tolerance
of others will help children live and
behave in nonviolent ways.”
dling problems some
times are taught and
learned at home.
As a priest I had the
task of teaching the
children a different les
son, but without
openly criticizing the
child’s father. One
wonders, however,
whose lesson really
will be learned by this
or any other child.
Problem-solving is
the way folks try to
work through their dif
ficulties. Some violent
behaviors represent at
tempts — albeit very
destructive and unac
ceptable attempts — to
solve problems.
In the perpetrator’s
mind, a violent way of
acting appears to bring
about the desired solu
tion. The reality is,
however, that the vio
lence creates new prob
lems.
The more I work
with engaged couples,
the more time I spend
helping them examine
their problem-solving
techniques. In the vast
majority of cases, the
man and woman exhibit problem-solv
ing styles learned at home. Overpow
ering or manipulating someone else to
get one’s way, using loud and violent
language or refusing to discuss cer
tain issues are examples of what
young couples sometimes picked up at
home.
All contents copyright©2000 by CNS
A pacifist may well be very active
and proactive. But this person re
solves conflict in a way that does not
employ violence. The person’s own
goals are stated while leaving room for
the other person to maintain dignity
and self-respect.
Families inadvertently teach vio
lence when they override another
person’s dignity. When a child is criti
cized and put down by the parents,
that child is more likely to respond
aggressively toward others.
Teaching acceptance and tolerance
of others will help children live and
behave in nonviolent ways.
(Father Weber is pastor of St.
Peter’s Parish in Mansfield, Ohio.)
Families are “the first schools of compassion and mercy, of
solidarity and justice,” the U.S. bishops said in a November
1999 document.
In homes that are places of peace, the inevitable conflicts in
living together are managed well.
Even people who do not regard themselves as violent
sometimes use power and control rather than negotiation
and attempts at understanding to solve problems at home.
The peaceable family:
How it prays
By Father John Crossin, OSFS
Catholic News Service
y
X ve known some people who have
the gift of inner peace. When I’m with
them awhile, their peace seems to
transfer to me.
This peace is a gift of God coming to me
through others. But I find it only lasts for
a time; then I return to “normal.”
I know some families who seem to
have this peace — even in the midst of
daily work, events, confusions and dif
ferences of opinion.
Inner peace in families comes most
frequently through parents. It is not
present constantly but can be sought
constantly.
This search occurs in prayer. Peace
flows from God to us through our lives
of prayer.
A home where prayer is valued
makes for peace. Children learn how to
pray through example. We really don’t
have a mature understanding of prayer
until adulthood. But we can learn to
pray quite early in life.
I have participated in a variety of
family prayers in homes. A favorite
form is the expanded grace before the
evening meal. Here everyone has a
chance to offer a petition for a special
intention: a classmate at school, a col
league at work or a neighbor who is ill.
Thanks for the meal becomes thanks
for one another.
At other times I have been part of a
family evening prayer before bedtime.
Each family member participates by
taking a role:
—One may read from a children’s
Bible.
—Another might say a special
prayer of the day’s saint.
—Everyone might sing a hymn or
sing along with a tape or CD.
Regular practices of prayer help create
an ambiance of peace at home. This peace
manifests itself in daily love and respect.
Family members take the time to be with
one another. We have a deep interest and
concern for the activities and interests of
the other family members.
This is not just “quality time” but
“wasting time.” It is the willingness
just to be with one another.
This peace is not the absence of con
flict. Rather, it involves managing well
the inevitable conflicts in living together.
On a recent Engaged Encounter
weekend, I heard the presenting couple
urge the engaged couples to hold hands
whenever they argue. To me, this
seems like a high ideal. But it speaks to
the fact that conflict is passing — often
quite trivial — while the marriage
bond is deep and lasting.
This peace is humble. Our inevi
table human weaknesses and sins call
for repentance. Peace can be restored
by an apology when we are wrong.
Peace returns more profoundly when
we ask for forgiveness of our faults
from family members and from God.
This peace is active. Real inner
peace reaches out to preserve the dig
nity of others. Peace seeks the good of
our neighborhoods and communities.
Peaceful acts that oppose domestic vio
lence, abortion, euthanasia or capital
punishment flow from our inner peace.
Work for the common good, for justice,
flows from our inner peace.
Peace is more than a feeling. Peace
is a prayerful way of life that works for
the good of family members, friends,
neighbors and the wider community.
Peaceful families work for the com
mon good. While we can’t do every-
thing, we can do some small peaceable
service for God.
Work for justice not rooted in peace, in
grace, withers. Our work for a just soci
ety and a just world is rooted in prayer.
(Oblate Father Crossin is executive
director of the Washington Theological
Consortium. His most recent book is
“Walking in Virtue,” from Paulist
Press. He can be reached at
crossinwtc@aol.com.)
FAITH IN THE MARKETPLACE
How do families help children discover the meaning of respect?
“Children will respect you if you respect them. And they should start by
showing respect in the home.” — Lois Quinn, Munster, Ind.
“Basically, it’s done by example. If the parents show respect for other indi
viduals in their dealings with them - regardless of the situation — then children
will pick up on this and show respect as well.” — Jerry Lopez, Montgomery, Ala.
“My idea of how parents can help their children discover the meaning of
respect would be for them to assist their children in learning to find value in
others. And in this way, the children also find value in themselves.” — Father
James Roetzer, Marquette, Mich.
An upcoming edition asks: What about the Old Testament most interests
or inspires you? Why? If you would like to respond for possible
publication, please write: Faith Alive! 3211 Fourth St. N.E., Washington,
D.C. 20017-1100.