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November 15,1979
PAGE 5
Church Involvement In Marriage Preparation
BY A.E.P. WALL
Elizabeth enjoys her house, and the
flowers speak for the pleasure of a yard and
garden. She’s outlived three husbands. Two
of them scarcely left enough money to pay
for their burial, but she’s worked most of
her life and has seldom felt that she had to
do more than her part - even though her
friends oftew thought so.
Three marriages. Two of them were
especially happy, and Elizabeth in her
mid-70s is contended with her life but has
not ruled out another wedding. Why should
she? Marriage has given her lots of ways to
live out her feelings of love and giving and
sharing. She knows it can be great.
Not everybody works as hard at being
part of the marriage partnership as she has,
and not everybody has been as lucky.
Certainly not everybody turns as
spontaneously to prayer as Elizabeth does,
and not everybody is so certain that God is
part of every ongoing partnership.
Because marriage is a special sacrament,
and one with lasting implications, the church
is trying harder than ever to help young
couples find their way. Today’s world cries
out almost hourly with distractions from
long-range commitments and with appeals to
self-satisfaction at all costs. Sometimes the
costs are higher than the satisfaction
justifies.
St. Bernadette’s Parish in St. Boniface,
Manitoba, put out some guidelines this year
saying that marriages should not be
presumed to be a “right” just because a
couple wants to get married.
The guidelines may seem tough (couples
should contact the parish a year before they
plan to get married: anyone under 18 is
considered lacking in the maturity needed
for Christian marriage; anyone under 20
must have the approval of the parish
community). They are grounded in personal,
loving support by a group that includes three
couples and a single young adult.
Marriage preparation is part of the work
of the church, and especially of the parish
community. In the case of the young, the
church and the parents really are
co-catechists in helping a couple to get ready
for the colossal sharing of lives and loves
called marriage.
It isn’t too early to begin thinking about
the religious, the spiritual, implications of
marriage during high school years. Many
have found this out a bit late, and disaster
often results when a couple doesn’t ever find
out about the religious dimensions of living
together as wife and husband.
“Never take your eyes off him (Jesus),”
said Pope John Paul II when he officiated at
a wedding in the Pauline Chapel of the
Apostolic Palace not long ago. If Christ is
present in the consciousness of the couple,
the pastoral pope seemed to suggest, even
the most difficult moments of married life
will yield to the eternal patterns of shared
love. And the problems, Pope John Paul has
acknowledged, are not always easy to
handle.
Knowing that problems can be difficult
to deal with, he said during his visit to
Mexico, one of the important demands on
the church in Latin America is filling a
positive role in the preparation of men and
women for marriage.
Marriage is not the strictly private affair
that many of the losers think it is. There’s
seldom anything private about a divorce
court, and although they may not think
about it in these precise terms, those who
prepare for marriage as carefully as they
prepare for a job or an education or
anything else of value know that marriage
often involves the common good of their
families and the common good of society.
That’s why so many today see God’s call
to the sacrament of marriage as the
beginning of a vocation that brings joy and
some occasionally tiresome duties.
Statistics and headlines tell us that
marriage isn’t easy, and that it takes two
dedicated individuals of mature mind to
know that wholeness in marriage grows out
of holiness in marriage. Because it isn’t easy,
it calls for getting ready, for honest and
thoughtful preparation. And here’s where
the partnership has to include the church
and the family.
Besides, getting there can be half of the
fun.
A.E.P. WALL writes of a women who has outlived three
husbands. “Two of them were especially happy, and
Elizabeth in her niid-70s is contented with her life but has
not ruled out another wedding. Marriage has given her lots
of ways to live out her feelings of love and giving and
sharing ” (NC Photo by Mark Kiryluk)
Discussion Points And Questions
1. Discuss this statement from A.E.P. Wall’s article, “Church
Involvement in Marriage Preparation”: “Today’s world cries out almost
hourly with distractions from long-range commitments and with
appeals to self-satisfaction at all costs. Sometimes the costs are higher
than the satisfaction justifies.”
2. What do you think about the guidelines on marriages of St.
Bernadette's Parish in Manitoba? Discuss.
3. Discuss this statement; “Marriage is not the strictly private affair
that many of the lovers think it is.”
4. Why is it so important to prepare for marriage? What does this
preparation entail? Discuss.
5. Reflect upon this statement, then discuss it: “If few persons are
properly prepared nowadays for family life it is that they have never
learned to see with the eyes, to hear with the ears and to feel with the
heart of another.”
6. What is vour definition of marriage?
7. Father John .1 Castelot observes that the “call to be a Christian is
the basic vocation. Different forms of the Christian life are simply
different ways of living out that vocation.” Discuss
8. Father Castelot calls the home a seminary where people learn
about marriage. How does this tie into the parable of the sower?
Discuss.
The Hope Of The Harvest Seed
BY FATHER JOHN CASTELOT
The familiar parable of the sower (Mark
4, 1-9) is the first of a group of parables on
the general theme of growth, specifically the
mysterious growth of (Sod’s reign In the
opinion of many, this is the central parable
of the Gospels, if only because it sums up
the paramount message of Jesus’
proclamation: the advent and inexorable
triumpth of the reign of God.
Like all the parables, il uses terms drawn
from the real life situation of the audience.
What more common sight in a rural country
than that of a farmer seeding his land? Quite
unusual, however, from the modern
viewpoint, is the technique he uses. He
scatters the seed in random fashion and with
uneven results. Some lands on the
well-packed soil of the footpath, only to be
eaten by birds swooping down delightedly
on this unexpected windfall Some lands
among the stones which litter the ground,
some among thorn-bushes.
Today’s farmer would wonder why he
didn’t clear the field beforehand There is no
The Church Meets Today’s Needs
BY FATHER CORNELIUS J
van dev POEl . C S SP
When Eros strikes it often paralyses the
human ability to think. It candy-coats all
present problems and places a veil over the
future. It is usual that young people in love
are occupied with only one thought (or
rather only one feeling), namely how much
they love each other. There is a common
saying that love is blind. 1 don’t believe it. 1
think that love sees very sharply and its
vision penetrates deeply. The problem is that
love’s vision is sometimes too much focused
on one point, the good that is in the other.
The focus is so sharp and penetrates so
deeply that other aspects of the personality
fade into the background. Such people live
only for the moment that they experience
now.
Unfortunately, the good that lovers see in
each other is often a response to a need that
they experience in themselves The young
man who feels restricted or imposed upon at
home finds the friendship with an
accommodating lover such a relief The girl
who talks a mile a minute finds the quiet
listening boy such a delight to be with.
Obviously, I am oversimplifying things,
but the basic idea is that people seek
partners who respond to certain needs which
they themselves experience. This is not bad,
but it would be good to keep in mind that
the accommodating behavior and the quiet
listening reflect only a small part of the total
personalities. Only when their own personal
need for freedom and for an attentive ear is
somewhat satisfied can they begin to see
other qualities in their partners. Sometimes
this can be a rude and painful awakening.
People are lucky if they awaken before their
marriage.
The good fortune of awakening before
marriage does not suggest that the
relationship should be discontinued when
they discover each others’ faults. Let us
hope this will not happen. It is often much
healthier when the couple-to-be can adapt
and grow in the process of learning to
understand each other. The surrounding
community, the church in particular, offers
many opportunities for this development.
The church is often accused of making
young people wait by demanding a
preparation period before marriage. This
period of preparation has a much deeper
meaning than waiting. A well-known
r
KNO W
YOUR FAITH
(All Articles On This Page Copyrighted 1979 By N.C. News Service)
psychiatrist once wrote: “If few persons arc
properly prepared nowadays for family life
it is that they have never learned to see with
the eyes, to hear with the ears and to feel
with the heart of another.”
The heart of human relationships and of
marriage in particular is the concern for the
happiness of the other person. The happiness
of another person is not always found in
what we think will make the other happy
We must learn unselfish love. There are
many outstanding and committed couples in
the church. There are many poor couples
too, but the deep commitment of man)
provides an excellent opportunity to see and
listen. Through conversation and discussion
with such couples, the church offers a
wealth of experience and a fountain of grace
in which young people make the preparation
for marriage a source of lifelong blessing.
Marriage is above all a relationship of love
and commitment. In commitment lies
growth and happiness as well as strength and
perseverance. Young people, consciously or
unconsciously, want these qualities for
themselves. The young man dreams of
positions of trust and importance. His wife
will be a loving support and a mainspring for
his energy in this development. The young
woman imagines a life of honor, trust and
influence in the family and society. All this
demands commitment, strength and
perseverance which they hope to find in
each other.
Marriage is a relationship and a
commitment of a man and a woman who
are reaching for a goal beyond themselves.
It is a deep human relationship which is also
a manifestation of God’s love for us. 1’he
relationship of marriage is so deeply human
that it provides the basic form for other
commitments as well. Whether a person
enters the religious life of the priesthood or
intends to remain in the single state, human
commitment and concern is necessary. The
most important school to learn this is the
family in which dedication is a way of life.
The basic theory is found in the
understanding of the commitment of
marriage in which each person can reach out
to the other in total self-giving.
answer, except to say that he was following
established custom, which called for him to
scatter the seed hither, thither and yon, and
then to plow everything under. Not
efficient, apparently, but not without some
good results. Indeed, as the ending of the
parable has it, “Some seed, finally, landed
on good soil and yielded grain that sprang up
to produce at a rate of thirty and sixty and a
hundredfold” (Mark 4,8). Fantastic. And
this is Jesus’ point. The reign of God is
proclaimed to all indiscriminately. It will
meet with obstacles, but nothing can prevent
its final and almost incredible flourishing.
What is true of the reign of God in
general is true of that reign in individual
lives. To narrow the application, it is true Of
the Christian vocation. It wiii be offered to
all, but. will meet with all sorts of responses.
Unfortunately, when one speaks of a
vocation, it is simply presumed that one
means a call to the priesthood or the
religious life. That is understandable, given
our customary use of the term, but it is still
regrettable. It obscures the supremely
important fact that the cal! to be a Christian
is the basic vocation. Different forms of the
Christian life are simply different ways of
living out that vocation.
In the final analysis, one will be a good
priest or sister or brother precisely to the
extent that one is a good Christian.
The obvious fact is that the overwhelming
majority of Christians live out their vocation
in the married state The sacrament of
matrimony as well as that of orders is a
further specification of the vocation implicit
in the sacrament of baptism On the facade
of St, Thomas Seminary in Bloomfield,
Conn., there is an inscription which reads:
“Spes Messis in Semine” “The hope of the
harvest is in the seed .” Its appropriateness is
patent How the seed of the priestlv
vocation is received and nurtured will
determine the happy or unhappy, the
fruitful or sterile outcome of that vocation.
But the same is true of the vocation to
matrimony. It is given to all
indiscriminately, and it is a precious call, a
serious call, a seed with tremendous
potential for happiness and fruitfulness. The
hope of the harvest is in the seed. Given its
importance, it deserves as much care as the
call to the religious life. The church has a
grave responsibility to nurture this seed, too,
and in many ways it tries to discharge this
responsibility. But when one conies down to
it, in this case the seminary is primarily the
home. Here is where young people learn at
close range how this vocation is to be lived.
Parents are the farmers who tend this
seed. They must reach out to all their
children, receptive or unreceptive, rocky or
thorny or open, to nurture the seed by word
and example, especially by example.
Children’s view of the practical response to
the vocation implicit in matrimony will
inevitably be colored by the way they see
that vocation being lived in their own home,
day in and day out, and the harvest of their
own lives will be determined accordingly.
And it is all those seemingly little things that
make up daily life — interpersonal
relationships, affection, understanding,
respect, unselfishness, absence of bickering
- which quietly, unobtrusively form their
futures. These things seem so little, so
insignificant. And yet, as the third of the
parables of growth puts it:
“What image will help to present it? It is
like mustard seed which, when planted in
the soil, is the smallest of all the earth’s
seeds, yet once it is sown, springs up to
become the largest of shrubs, with branches
big enough for the birds of the sky to build
nests in its shade” (Mark 4, 30-32).
“THERE IS A COMMON SAYING
that love is blind,” Father Cornelius J.
van der Poel writes. “1 think that love
sees very sharply and ils vision
penetrates deeply. The problem is th;
love's vision is sometimes too muc
focused on one point, the good that
in the other.” (NC Sketch)