Newspaper Page Text
November 29,1979
PAGE 5
They Were Disappointed
In Each Other
BY JERRY BARTRAM
(Bartram is editor of the British Columbia
Catholic, archdiocesan weekly of Vancouver,
British Columbia. He writes a monthly column in
the Catholic magazine, Messenger of St. Anthony.
His work has appeared in various Canadian
newspapers and journals.)
They had no money. They were driving
from New York to Denver because they
thought living in Colorado would make them
happy.
But they fought all the way. On the
outskirts of Denver the tension in the tiny
car was so great that Jim pulled over and
they got out.
There was a rainbow in the sky — behind
their backs.
“I began to feel a little desperate,”
remembers Kathy. “What were we to do?
What could I do to change the situation? I
felt I was the prisoner of my moods.”
For the Webbers that moment outside
Denver when they could no longer bear
being trapped together in the car was
symbolic of all the low points that surprised
and dismayed them during their first year of
marriage.
They had met seven years before as
counsellors at a summer camp. Jim saw in
Kathy “a very deep person, a person of
tremendous potential.” She was “a
challenging person. She had her own ideas.”
She was drawn to him because of his
patience, his kindness, his willingness to
forgive. “I think the strongest thing was his
relationship with God.” It “didn’t depend
on me.” She liked that.
He was 22 and she was 20 when they
formed what was supposed to be a perfect
union in which high principles and mutual
love met.
So what was the problem?
‘‘We expected fulfillment from each
other, but we did not know how to change
ourselves.”
They expected to help each other grow.
But before they knew it, they were up
against their own limitations.
Kathy thought the emptiness in her life
would be filled through marriage. But it
wasn’t. She found herself unable to forget or
forgive either herself or him. For his part,
Jim was amazed at some aspects of his own
nature, his very strong temper, for example.
A few days later, shaken by what they
both felt, they decided that what they might
need was deeper spirituality in their lives.
Even though religion was important to them,
perhaps they were not sharing this part of
their lives.
“I felt enthusiasm,” Jim remembers, “the
desire to grow together in our rapport with
God.”
Cathy recalls that they began to think
more of one another rather than so often of
themselves. Eventually the things they did
for one another — little things like washing
the supper dishes, taking out the garbage —
became acts of love rather than things that
had to be done for the sake of peace.
Of course, they did not find the utopia
they had envisioned when they married.
They still were quite capable of saying the
wrong thing to one another. But what they
had found was the courage to start over
again instead of retreating into hurt silence.
The problems Cathy and Jim faced are
not unique. People in love tend to focus
only on their good points. Faults seem to
fade into the background. But being human,
none of us is perfect. And marriage is the
closest relationship there is between people.
This union reveals both the strengths and
weaknesses of both parties. It follows that if
a marriage is to grow, we must learn to
accept our own flaws and the flaws of the
other. Gradually some of these flaws may be
corrected completely; some may merely be
softened; others may remain in their
entirety.
Jim and Cathy found the key to their
problem. When they sought for deeper
spirituality, they let the author of love fully
into their lives. Jesus was gentle, tolerant
and unselfish. Jesus loves us even when we
disappoint him. His gentleness, tolerance,
unselfishness and deep love is the
nourishment marriages must have if they are
to succeed.
(NOTE: Jim and Cathy Webber sought
spiritual direction from the Focolare
movement, a movement begun in World War
II by a group of young people who were in
constant danger of death because of
bombing. These people determined to live
the Gospel message every day. The
movement grew and more than 30 years
later is still growing. A central address is:
Focolare Movement: P. 0. Box 496; New
York, N. Y. 10021.)
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Discussion Points And Questions
1. Why did the couple in Jerry Bartram’s article, “They Were
Disappointed in Each Other,” find that they were not growing together
in their marriage?
2. The couple in Bartram’s article were able to reverse the trend of
their marriage when they focused on spirituality. Why did this work?
Would this help other couples? Discuss.
3. Discuss this statement made by Eugene J. Fisher in his article:
“We love and are loved despite and even because of our flaws.”
4. Read Martin Buber’s “I and Thou.”
5. What do the Scriptures teach us about the man-wife relationship?
Discuss.
6. Father John J. Castelot states in his article, “Husband and Wife:
God’s Gift to Each other,” that while Scripture states a great deal from
the man’s point of view, all that is said “is equally true from the
woman’s.” Do you agree? Discuss.
7. Discuss this statement made by Father Castelot: “Husband and
wife are precious gifts of God to each other; precious, but never
perfect.”
• 8. What are the kinds of things that couples should discuss before
marriage? Discuss.
“THEY HAD NO MONEY AND THEY were driving
from New York to Denver because they thought living in
Colorado would make them happy,” Jerry Bartram writes.
“But they fought all the way. and on the outskirts of their
Promised City the tension in the tiny car was so great that
Husband-Wife: God’s
Jim pulled over and they got out. For the Webbers, that
moment outside Denver when they could no longer bear
being trapped together in the car was symbolic of all the
low points that surprised and dismayed them during their
first year of marriage.” (NC Photo)
Gift To Each Other
BY FATHER JOHN J. CASTELOT
The wisdom of Israel was not that of later
Greek and Scholastic philosophy, an abstract
intellectual virtue, queen of the mental
faculties. It was rather very concrete,
practical, down-to-earth know-how, covering
every aspect of human life. Good examples
of this wisdom are to be found in the books
of Sirach and Proverbs. Given the
importance of the man-woman relationship
in everyday living, it is not surprising that
these books have a great deal of advice and
comment to offer on the subject. The
reaction to this material on the part of many
a modern reader will undoubtedly be
something like: “Talk about male
chauvinism, blatant sexism!” And
admittedly this would be a fair and quite
understandable reaction.
These books were written more than
2,000 years ago in a Mideastern cultural
setting, and they reflect the attitudes of a
definitely male-oriented society. Women
were respected for their role in the family
and sincerely loved, too, but they come
through in this literature as weak,
untrustworthy, scheming, dangerous. They
are regarded with a lurking suspicion and,
one suspects, with a subconscious fear.
Yet in the midst of all this, although still
from a man’s point of view, we read some
truly beautiful appreciations of women, as in
these lines from Sirach:
“Happy the husband of a good wife,
twice lengthened are his days; A worthy wife
brings joy to her husband, peaceful and full
is his life. A good wife is a generous gift
bestowed upon him who fears the Lord; Be
he rich or poor his heart is content, and a
smije is ever on is face ...”
Like the sun rising in the Lord’s heavens,
the beauty of a virtuous wife is the radiance
of her home. Like the light which shines
above the holy lampstand, are her beauty of
face and graceful figure (Sirach 26, 1-4;
16-17).
“A good wife is a generous gift bestowed
upon him who fears the Lord;” she is “like
the sun rising in the Lord’s heavens.” These
thoughts call for further reflection. God
showers many gifts upon his children even
without their asking. And in prayer we do
ask and respond with prayerful gratitude
when we realize how generous he has been.
In the ordinary course of life, what more
important gift can he give a man than a
wonderful wife? This woman is going to
share his every moment, waking and
sleeping, she is going to love and care and
encourage and console. In a word, she is
going to determine, to an incalcuable
degree, his happiness or unhappiness for the
rest of his days on earth. Could anyone pray
for a more precious gift and, having received
it, should not one thank God from the
bottom of his heart every day of his life?
One’s gratitude to God can only grow
deeper when one looks around and sees the
many wretched marriages in which one’s
friends and acquaintances are trapped. The
contrast is very enlightening, and this same
book of Sirach does not hesitate to bring it
repeatedly to mind:
“There are three things at which my heart
quakes, a fourth before which I quail . . .
“A jealous wife is a heartache and
mourning and a scourging tongue like the
other three.
“A bad wife is a chafing yoke; he who
marries her seizes a scorpion.
“A drunken wife arouses great anger, for
she does not hide her shame (Sirach 26, 5a,
6-8).”
Of course, all that is said here from the
man’s point of view is equally true from the
woman’s. A woman who has found a good
husband has been truly gifted by God and
should be unceasingly and prayerfully
grateful. St. Paul reminds us in many ways
of the mutuality of the relationship. What is
true from the husband’s angle is true from
the wife’s, for by the gift of God they now
belong to each other.
Writing specifically of the marital
relationship, Paul expresses the underlying
principle most clearly: “The husband should
fulfill his conjugal obligations toward his
wife, the wife toward her husband; equally a
husband does not belong to himself but to
his wife” (1 Corinthians 7,3-4).
They are God’s gift to each other, reason
for joyful gratitude, but reason, too, to keep
oneself a welcome gift and to give daily
cause for thankfulness. And reason also to
recognize maturely and realistically that one
is not and cannot be a perfect gift — to
accept the fact that one’s mate is not and
cannot be a perfect gift either. It would be
childishly naive to think overwise, and it
would set one up for unreasonable
disillusionment and bitter disappointment.
Husband and wife are precious gifts of God
to each other; precious, but never perfect.
IN MARRIAGE, EUGENE J. not just a means to an end. And for
FISHER writes, “we recognize the them, we become an end as well.”
other as an intregal part of our own (NC Sketch by Diane Bertke)
lives. For us. the other is an end, and
We Need More
Than Each Other
BY EUGENE J. FISHER
“All real living is meeting... The
extended lines of relations meet in the
eternal Thou . . . the Thou that by its nature
cannot become It.”
These pregnant words sketch the central
thought contained in Martin Buber’s work,
“I and Thou.” Buber’s insights have had and
continue to have tremendous influence on,
Christian as well as Jewish thinkers.
Buber was a German-Jewish philosopher
forced to flee his homeland because of
Hitler’s plan to exterminate all Jews. Out of
this cauldron of hate' Buber brought a simple
yet profound message of love. It is a
doctrine that can shed much light on our
understanding of the true meaning of
marriage today.
Buber begins by showing that most
relations between people are what he calls
“I-it” relations. That is, we do not approach
the other as an end but as a means to
attaining our own purposes. When we go
into a store, for example, we do not meet
the salesclerk as he is as a person. Rather we
approach him as someone who has
something we wish to have for ourselves. We
may say “hello” and even chat about the
weather for a while. If we have known the
clerk before, we may even ask about the
family.
But such a relationship is not a true
meeting for Buber. The other is not for us a
living person so much as an instrument by
which we hope to gain something. This
instrumentality characterizes our business
relations and even a large part of our social
relations. Most of us, in our lives, have many
acquaintances but only a few people we
could truly call friends.
There is another type of relating that
Buber would see as a true meeting. This he
calls an “I-thou” relationship. It is very rare
in our lives. In an I-thou meeting we try to
know others as they truly are deep in their
souls. And we open up our hearts and our
dreams to them. There is no subterfuge,
none of the dodges we normally use to hide
part of ourselves. We stand before them
whole and naked, in the spiritual sense of
that term. We accept them fully, with all
their imperfections. And we are accepted in
turn, with all of our weaknesses and faults
fully understood. We love and are loved
despite and even because of nur flaws
In such encounters we become fully
ourselves, a complete “I” to respond to the
true “thou” of the other person.. We
recognize the other as an integral part of our
own lives. For us the other is an end and not
just a means to an end. And for them we
become an end as well. These are the
“extended lines of relations” of which Buber
speaks. Building such lines is or should be
what marriage is all about.
People, however, are finite. We can only
gain such total glimpses of each other
temporarily. Even these brief moments of
true “I-thou” are possible, Buber would
argue, only because of the eternal “Thou”
who constantly offers himself to us in full
love. The love that we share together is a
reflection of the absolute love that God, our
Creator, offers to us at all times. It is a love
that by its nature cannot become an “it” for
us or for its giver. As our Creator, God
knows us more fully than we know
ourselves. Wondrously the eternal “Thou”
accepts us fully.
And so the momentary glimpse we have
of each other in marriage can grow and
mature. In the light of love we human lovers
come to live more and more in the state of
an “I-thou” relationship. From this point of
view prayer becomes an acknowledgement
of reality. The eternal “Thou” creates and
sustains all our joy in each other and in
ourselves. Since the lines of our relating to
one another meet only in God, we know
that we can meet one another truly only in
and with God. For God is love.
KNO W
YOUR FAITH
(All Articles On This Rase Copyrighted 1979 By N.C. News Service)