Newspaper Page Text
January 17,1980
PAGE 5
i
Should I
Adopt
BY MARY KENNY
As a four-time adoptive mother, I would
describe adoption as an adventure. Adoption
changes your life and leads you down
mysterious paths which previously you can
scarcely imagine.
For me, our adoptive children provide
one of the richest sources for meditation on
the wonder and goodness of God. As with
most adoptive children, ours were not
conceived and born under ideal
circumstances. Yet I look at our beautiful
Matthew, and Annie-with-the-wide-smile,
and I think, “Out of pain and evil have come
these beautiful human beings. They are
living proof that good will triumph over evil.
What greater symbols of hope could
surround me! What greater testimony that
we live in a world full of wonder and
mystery!”
Rarely does a couple contemplating
adoption hold a positive view. In an infertile
marriage, one or both partners may hold
deep feelings that something is wrong with
them. They feel inferior. Adoption seems
like a second-rate way to become parents.
Our culture often endorses these negative
attitudes. “Do you have children of your
own?” someone asks, implying that adoptive
children are some sort of boarders.
Again witness these words by a genetic
counselor in a recent issue of “Psychology
Today”: “Some couples choose adoption,
fully aware of how difficult a process that
may be, because they feel that parenthood
matters enough to them. They are willing to
undergo the rigors of an adoption agency’s
home study, or the expense of a private
lawyer’s fee; to wait as long as five years for
a healthy newborn baby of any race; they
may agree to handle the problems and
expenses involved in adopting a child from
abroad, or a child with a physical or mental
handicap, or an older child who may come
from a background of serious emotional
deprivation or physical abuse.” Sounds
pretty awful, doesn’t it?
In contrast to these negative attitudes,
couples who have had a happy adoption
experience view adoption positively.
Adoption is not a second-rate way to
become a parent but a positive alternative to
biological parenthood. The adoptive mother
never experiences the excitement of carrying
a child within her. Yet her experience can
never be enjoyed by the biological mother.
No adoptive parents ever forget the moment
they first meet their child. It is a
momumental experience, just as profound as
hearing your newborn’s first cry. It is not a
Child?
better experience; it is not a second-rate
experience. It is a different kind of joy.
Adoptive parents are real parents. As
some parents have explained to their
adopted children, every child has two sets of
parents, the biological parents and the
forever parents. The forever parents are the
ones who nurture and raise you, who pass on
their habits and values. In most cases both
sets are one and the same. In adoption they
are different. Adoptive parents are forever
parents, a real and awesome calling.
Parents who choose a child who is
hard-to-place for social, physical or
intellectual reasons view their choice
positively. The genetic counselor pictures
them as people so desperate for a child that
they will accept anything. This is not so.
Parents who choose a a hard-to-place child
focus not on the burden, but on the
opportunity. Whether one has difficulty
hearing or 20-200 vision, all persons are
handicapped in some way. The parents who
choose a hard-to-place child focus on his
potential rather than the weakness. They
welcome the challenge and adventure of
raising such a child.
Adoptive parents recognize, perhaps more
clearly than biological parents, that children
are not possessions. Whether adopted or
biological, children belong to themselves.
Parents are their stewards, not their owners.
How can you decide whether to adopt
and how can you develop positive feelings
toward adoption? Get to know families with
children, especially families with adoptive
children. Expose yourself to real
children, not just the image of golden curly
heads asleep on a pillow. Babysit for your
friends. Assist with teaching or youth
programs to get to know older children.
Most adoption agencies hold group meetings
periodically for prospective adoptive
parents. It is a good way to meet others wih
the same fears and hopes and to learn more
about adoption. You make no commitment
when you attend such a meeting.
A positive alternative to biological
parenthood, an adventure, adoption is also a
surrender to God’s plan, allowing him to
lead us along new, unknown paths. I watch
two of our adopted children sleeping
arm-in-arm beside each other in the same
bed, and I reflect, “There are no blood ties
between them or between either of them
and me. Without adoption, none of us would
ever have crossed paths in our lives. Yet here
we all are, truly united, intimate as only
family can be intimate. What a marvelous
direction our lives have taken! Adoption is a
living symbol of the wonderful and
mysterious ways of the Lord.
James A. Kenny, the father of four
adopted children, describes their
experiences as an adventure. As he looks
at his children, he finds them a “source
for meditation on the wonder and
goodness of God.” He observes that when
couples find they are in an infertile
marriage, “one or both partners may hold
deep feelings that something is wrong
with them. They feel inferior. Adoption
seems like a second-rate way to become
parents.” Society fosters this attitude in
many ways, yet becoming adoptive
parents is a very special calling. Kenny
states, “It is not a better experience (than
having one’s own biological child); it is
not a second-rate experience. It is a
different kind of joy.” Kenny’s
experience is not only as an adoptive
parent. The Kennys also have the
experience of biological parenthood.
The article, “A Time to Wait” by
Angela M. Schreiber, introduces us to a
couple who felt that the role of adoptive
parents was not for them. Through a
chain of sensitive ministry, they learned
what adoption was all about. What they
learned led them to understand that this
was God’s plan for them.
Father John J. Castelot reminds us
that we are all God’s adopted children.
He leads us to scriptural passages that
define our relationship with our Creator.
God has “given us a share in his creative
love.” As couples reach out to adopt a
child, they, too, share their love. He
observes, “If the status of adopted
children was considered a fitting
expression of our relationship to God, the
status in human affairs must certainly be
a worthy one, to say the least.”
ANGELA M. SCHREIBER WRITES, when the subject of
adoption was brought up by Duane, Michelle replied “No,
that’s such an awful procedure and it takes forever.
Somehow, I don’t think we could ever think of somebody
else’s child as ours.’” Through the friendship of another
young couple, Duane and Michelle later changed their minds
and saw adoption as an answer to their prayers. (NC Sketch
by Mary Villareio)
Time To Wait
BY ANGELA M. SCHREIBER
him. “What I want to know is, are you all
right?”
Ivlicheiie waisea out oi tne auciur s
office, got into her car and drove home. She
had never before experienced such hurt. As
she pulled up in front of her new home, she
looked up to the second floor window. It
was to have been a nursery. Now there
would never be a child to look out that
window. She was doomed never to be a
mother.
Finally she went into the house and
started preparing dinner. Duane would be
home soon. His disappointment would be as
great as her own. It wouldn’t do to cry, she
thought, that would only make it harder for
both of them.
When she heard Duane’s cheerful
greeting, she managed to smile, He asked her
right away what the doctor had said. “It’s
not good news, darling,” she said, and then
turned away from him and continued
quietly, “We’re just not going to make the
parent scene. Dr. Jacobs has some long
explanations of why but it boils down to the
fact that there isn’t any hope.”
Duane was silent for what seemed an
interminable time to Michelle. Finally she
felt his arms around her and he drew her to
csn t ever get
We Are All God’s Adopted Children
BY FATHER JOHN J. CASTELOT
Our relationship to God is so profound,
so many-sided, so indefinable that the
Scriptures use all sorts of images in an effort
to express it. As individuals and as a people
we are pictured as his creatures, his sheep,
his subjects, his people, his bride, his
children.
The basic relationship is that of
Creator-creature, for that is the one that
explains our very being, our existence. There
are those who find this idea repellent.
Fiercely independent, it galls them to admit
dependence on any one for anything, even
on God for their existence. At the other end
of the spectrum are those who admit their
creaturely dependence, but are so crushed
, by its implications as to develop a paralyzing
sense of utter worthlessness.
Still others thrill with wonder at the
realization that God has established a
relationship of any kind with them.
Representative of this reaction is the author
of Psalm 8:
When I behold your heavens, the work
of your fingers, the moon and stars which
KNOW
YOUR
FAITH
(All Articles On This Page
Copyrighted 1980 By N.C. News Service)
you set in place —
What is man that you should be
mindful of him, or the son of man that
you should care for him?
You have made him little less than the
angels, and crowned him with glory and
honor.
You have given him rule over the
works of your hands, putting all things
under his feet (Psalm 8,4-7).
The author of the priestly creation story
expressed this in terms of human beings
being created in God’s image, meaning that
they have been given a share in his creative
love (Genesis 1, 26-28).
This is truly a sublime dignity, but we
yearn for a yet more personal relationship,
and this, too, is expressed in a variety of
ways in the Old Testament as well as in the
New. It would be difficult to think of a
more intimate bond than that between
parents -and children, and it was precisely
this relationship that Jesus revealed when he
encouraged us to call God our Father and
spoke of the Father’s love for us, his
children. He was referring to something
much more meaningful than what is usually
understood by the well-worn phrase: “the
fatherhood of God and the brotherhood of
man.” He personally was conscious of
enjoying a unique relationship with God,
and this is reflected in the term which he
used in praying to him.
He addressed the Father as “Abba,” an
Aramaic word to which our word “father”
does not do full justice. It is a form which
grammarians call a caritative, a term of
endearment, more like our word “papa” or
“daddy.” He felt that close to God, and
wanted to draw his followers into that same
relationship.
St. Paul tells us how this became a
reality: “All who are led by the Spirit of
God are children of God. You did not
receive a spirit of slavery leading you back
into fear, but a spirit of adoption through
which we cry out ‘Abba!’. . . The Spirit
himself gives witness with our spirit that we
are children of God. But if we are children,
we are heirs as well: heirs of God, heirs with
Christ, if only we suffer with him so as to be
glorified with him” (Romans 8, 14-17).
When Jesus, by his resurrection, became
“a life-giving spirit” (I Corinthian 15, 45), he
sent his own Spirit upon his followers and
made them uniquely one with him. So really
one with him are we that we are privileged
to address God just as familiarly and lovingly
and confidently as he did: “Abba!” It is
remarkable that the early church, even after
it had become predominantly
Greek-speaking, like the recipients of this
letter of Paul’s, still retained the Aramaic
word, “Abba,” and were not satisfied with a
pale equivalent like “Father,” That’s how
special, how unique it was.
It is interesting, too, that Paul invokes the
image of adoption to describe the process
and contrasts it with “slavery.” In the
culture of the day a slave was very much a
part of the household, but he definitely was
not one of the family. Natural children were,
of course, but so, too, were adopted
children, who enjoyed the same rights and
privileges and could really mean it when
they said “papa” or “mama.” Paul tells us
that this is our situation also, with respect to
God. We are all his adopted children and
brothers and sisters of Christ; our title to
this dignity is the possession of the Spirit of
the Son himself.
If the status of adopted children was
considered a fitting expression of our
relationship to God, the status in human
affairs must certainly be a worthy one, to
say the least. It is a viable and very beautiful
alternative open to couples who have no
children of their own and yearn to share
more fully in their Father’s creative love. All
of us, after all, are his adopted children.
pregnant.’
“The main thing is that you’re well.” He
held her close, then he broke the moment
and suggested they get on with dinner.
Neither of them really ate. They
attempted light conversation without much
success. Afterwards, Duane said he was going
to take a walk. She suggested joining him
and he replied that he would rather go alone.
When he left, Michelle disolved into tears.
She felt that as a woman she was a complete
failure. He must feel that way, too. He must
have just wanted to get away from her.
By the time he returned three hours later,
she had regained her composure. They made
a pretense of watching TV, then went to
bed. When he kissed her, she did not return
it, but told him she was tired. Michelle cried
silently. Duane tossed. When he thought she
was asleep he put his arms around her. It was
then he realized she was crying. As they
talked, they found that each had been trying
to hide the hurt from the other. Duane had
taken a walk alone because he didn’t want
her to know how badly he felt. She had tried
to treat their news as lightly as possible to
keep him from knowing how she really felt.
“Honey, we could adopt a baby,” Duane
suggested. “No,” she replied, “that’s such an
awful procedure and it takes forever.
Somehow, I just don’t think we could ever
think of somebody else’s child as ours.”
When they told their parents, adoption
was brought up again. When they found out
how Michelle felt about adopting a child,
both sets of parents dropped the subject.
A few weeks later, a delightful young
couple bought a house next door to Duane’s
parents. They had a three-year-old boy. Mrs.
Faulkner soon learned that their child was
adopted. She told the young woman about
her daughter-in-law and how she felt about
adoption. The young woman, Beth, said she
and her husband would like to meet Duane
and Michelle.
Both the younger and the older woman
agreed that it would be best if the subject of
adoption came up naturally. Neither of them
wanted to push the idea off on Michelle.
Beth stressed the fact that adoption was not
for every couple, but if all that was stopping
Michelle and Duane was the waiting period
and red tape, that was not reason enough to
decide against it. “As for an adopted child
being just as much yours as one you give
birth to,” Marie said, “there really is no
problem. Maybe she never has known a
couple who have adopted. At any rate, they
seem to need someone who is there to let
them in on the real facts. We waited four
years for a baby, but it was worth the effort
and the time. We have Catholic Charities to
thank for our little Steve.”
Duane and Michelle usually stopped by
the Faulkner’s house on Sunday after Mass.
On a Sunday shortly after the two women’s
conversation, the two young couples met.
Their friendship developed. Through the
other young couple, Duane and Michelle
began to view adoption as an answer to their
prayers.
Three years have passed and Duane’s and
Michelle’s baby girl just celebrated her first
birthday. They had had misconceptions
about adoption, but through the sensitivity
of Duane’s mother and the young couple
who lived next door to them, those
misconceptions were corrected.
They had found out that first evening
that they learned Michelle would not be able
to become pregnant that expressing their
own deepest feelings to one another was
paramount in their marriage relationship.
Their sensitivity to each other grew in the
months that followed. They ministered to
one another and were ministered to by a
sensitive mother and a neighborhood couple.
Eventually, they discussed adoption with
their parish priest and Catholic Charities.
The chain of ministry surrounds us in our
everyday life, not only in such a situation as
this one, but in many other daily
experiences.
Discussion Points And Questions
1. Why is the calling to be adoptive parents so special? Discuss.
2. Discuss this statement from Mary Kenny’s article: “Parents who
choose a hard-to-place child focus not on the burden, but on the
opportunity.” If there is a couple in your parish or neighborhood who
have adopted a hard-to-place child, invite this couple to participate in
your discussion.
3. Discuss this statement: “Whether adopted or biological, children
belong to themselves. Parents are their stewards, not their owners.”
4. What are some of the reasons why a childless couple may not be
candidates for adoptive parents? Discuss.
5. Having open lines of communication is important in every
marriage union. What does the experience of Duane and Michelle
Faulkner tell us about communication?
6. A chain of ministry is evident in Angela M. Schreiber’s story, “A
Time to Wait.” Share other “chain of ministry” stories, not necessarily
ones to do with adoption, in a group.
7. In a group, either family or parish, discuss how each of you has
taken on ministry roles.
8. What does our basic Creator-creature relationship with God mean?
9. Father John J. Castelot reminds us that we are all God’s adopted
children. What does this tell us about human adoption? Discuss.