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Page 2 • Faith Today
Faith Today • Page 3
By Suzanne Elsesser K
NC News Service
“Chicken and dressing, sweet
potatoes, okra, greens, a roast. |
macaroni salad...” Sister Thea i:
Bowman’s voice was alive with ;•
excitement as she described the •;
mountains of food on Master Sun-
day at Fred and Arista Otto's hornet
in Canton, Miss. •
Children, grandchildren, great- j
grandchildren, cousins, nieces and ■
friends had attended the meal
and, in fact, come by for dinner
every Sunday.
“If you want to see anyone you
go over there.” said Sister
Bowman, a Franciscan Sister of
Perpetual Adoration. “There’s
always food being kept warm in
the oven or on top of the stove.”
Sister Bowman is a consultant
for intercultural communications
in the Diocese of Jackson, Miss.
She also is the editor of a collec
tion of articles on the black
Catholic family.
“When 1 was a little girl my
mama wanted me to learn our
heritage,” she explains. “So she
apprenticed me to a slave,' a
freed woman who had lived dur
ing slavery and knew the tradi
tions. I learned from her the
stories, the songs, the great
strengths that exist in families
who are rooted in the African
experience.”
“To blacks the extended family
is everything and it can often in
clude people who are not related
by blood but who need a family
to care for them,” she said. “We
are most successful at being
ourselves when we honor the ex
tended family and the traditional
African values of cooperation
rather than competition.”
Sister Bowman talks with great
warmth about the Otto family as
examples of the kind of affection
and care a family can provide.
The Ottos raised 10 children.
Later Mrs. Otto, whom everyone
calls “Ma Dear,” quit her daytime
job so she could help raise her
grandchildren. Now she works
nights.
She says, “The job I had was
plenty good but if I’m going to be
a grandmother, I’m going to help
my children.”
Three preschool grandchildren
stay with Mrs. Otto during the
day while their mothers work. In
the afternoon a school bus drops
the older grandchildren at her
home.
Her daughter, Myrtle Jean, is an
acute-care technician at the
University Medical Center in
Jackson, Miss. She is the single
parent of 5-year-old Charlene
Evette and 7-year-old James Cur
tis; they all live with her parents
because finances are tight.
What single parents face
Ottoi<^
“We all help each other,” Myr
tle Jean explains. “What we have
we share with each other. We
have little fusses up and down but
if someone needs food or money
for utilities we all pitch in. Mama
trained us to do it that way, even
if we are far away. She’s the
sweetest thing in the world.”
Years before Myrtle Jean helped
raise her younger brothers and
sisters when her father left a $35
a week job to go to Kansas City
for a better paying one.
Her older sister, Bernadette
Porter, is the single parent of
10-year-old Stacey Monique who
is cared for by Ma Dear. Ms.
Porter too says her closeknit fami
ly is a big help.
Working in an office allows her
to have a place of her own, but
she has to budget carefully. “It’s
not easy,” she says. “Monique
sees me sitting at the table saying,
‘Now I don’t have money for this
or that.’ That’s good, because
when she is older and if she goes
to college and calls for money,
she’ll know why I don’t have it.”
Of any loneliness she has as a
single parent, Ms. Porter says,
“When I get depressed I come
and talk to my mama.”
And what does Mrs. Otto think
she is giving her family?
“I hope I’m giving them good
understanding,” she says. “I take
time out to listen. I get along with
a lot of love.”
(Ms. Elsesser is a free-lance
writer in Larchmont, N. Y.)
By Katharine Bird
NC News Service
At 5 p.m. they began coming in
to the restaurant, sitting down
around the table reserved for
them. Some came hesitantly,
hovering around the edges,
waiting for an invitation before
joining the group. Others walked
in confidently, greeting friends
with a smile and handshake.
There was an Irish woman
much concerned about re-entering
the job market after 15 years as
wife and mother; a young man of
Italian ancestry whose demeanor
revealed his devastation at his
broken marriage; a middle-aged
black career woman convinced
that her husband’s hopes for a
reconciliation wouldn't work.
That gathering five years ago
brought together people of dif
ferent backgrounds, educational
levels and finances. Their com
mon meeting ground: All were
separated or divorced.
New to Washington. D C., I at
tended that meeting to make con
tact with people in similar cir
cumstances. A single parent of
four children, it had taken me
some time of stumbling in the
dark to recognize how crucial the
support of peers was.
For single parents face some
special problems as well as special
challenges:
•Learning to cope with children
alone. At a time when one's ego is
likely to be at a new 7 low, single
parents have all the normal pro
blems of child-rearing. Somehow
they have to dredge up from
within themselves the strength to
deal with children alone day in
and day out.
Even in a mediocre marriage,
husband and wife can turn to
ftach other for some support at
critical points in child rearing.
They can make decisions concern
ing children together — about
-discipline, schools, entertainment,
allowances.
For single parents, if serious
problems arise, perhaps with teen
agers testing their limits, child
rearing quickly can seem
Overwhelming.
What does a single parent do if a
teen comes in with the smell of li
quor on her breath?
What if a son is out with a
group the parent doesn't know 7
well and misses his curfew?
•Learning to move beyond
guilt. It s easy for divorced people
to blame themselves for the
breakup of a marriage and for
altering their children’s lives so
drastically.
Guilt, I think, can keep single
parents focused on the past, duck
ing the real work now at hand. A
parent then may find it hard to
show children how to make the
most of their new 7 situation, to set
about making new friends and a
new life.
•Learning to trust again. It’s a
rare single parent who doesn't
doubt his or her ability to make
judgments sometimes. Yet being
able to trust others is a basic-
premise of Christianity and a
necessity for a satisfying life.
If parents can't trust themselves
or others, how can they teach
children it's safe to trust?
Paulist Father James Young talks
of how a young executive named
Michael learned to trust again in
“Divorcing, Believing, Belonging "
(1984, Paulist Press). Father
Young is rector of St. Paul's Col
lege in Washington, D.C.
First, Michael had to be willing
to accept help from others,
especially an also-divorced
business associate, Father Young
said. Then, gradually, friends
helped Michael “see that trust in
God, trust in others and trust in
self w ere all pieces of the same
pie.”
An advocate of support groups,
Father Young is the founder of
the North American Conference of
Separated and Divorced Catholics.
“One needs many allies at this dif
ficult time, especially loved ones
and good friends,” the priest said.
(Ms. Bird is associate editor of
Faith Today.)
The tale of the double parent
By Father John Castelot
NC News Service
Jesus and his friends turned off
the main road and started up a
dusty path that led to the village of
Naim. It was a wretched little
cluster of mud huts at the top of
the rise.
On their left as they walked
along was the well, surrounded by
milling sheep and the boys and
girls who had just brought them in
from the pasture.
All of a sudden the children’s
playful laughter stopped. Another
sound took its place, the sound of
professional mourners wailing and
crying. They were escorting a
funeral procession out of the
village.
It was a very sad procession, for
the corpse on the litter was that of
a young man, “the only son of a
widowed mother” (Luke 7:12).
Sensing the poignancy of the
situation, Jesus, “moved with pi
ty,” said to the mother: “Do not
cry.”
How easy to say! Anyone in the
group could have muttered, “What
a dumb remark!” Here was a
widow who had only one son to
brighten her lonely life, one son
who stood between her and utter
desolation. Where could she turn
now?
In days when there was no
Social Security, no life insurance
and certainly no opportunity to go
out and get a job, she was at the
end of the line. And this stranger
tells her not to cry.
But Jesus did more. First he
silenced the din of the mourners
with a gesture that brought a
gasp from the crowd. He stepped
forward and touched the litter.”
Contact with a corpse brought
instant defilement according to the
Law. But Jesus, who didn’t hesitate
to touch lepers — the “living
dead” — had no scruples about
touching a corpse.
In the ensuing silence, he uttered
an incredible command:
“Young man, I bid you get up!
The dead man sat up and began to
speak. Then Jesus gave him back to
his mother.”
He “gave him back to his
mother”: That simple statement
speaks volumes in terms of com
passion and sensitivity. Perhaps
Jesus, himself the son of a widow
ed mother, was uniquely aware of
what this young man’s death meant
to this woman and his heart went
out to her.
In any event, he did more than
take pity on her. He intervened ac
tively, with positive, creative and
practical love.
The widow in Luke’s narrative
might be compared to today’s
“single parent.”
Actually, however, there is no
such thing as a single parent. These
people are, in fact, double parents.
They have to be both mother and
father to their children. It is a for
midable challenge in many ways,
financially, physically and
psychologically.
Parenting is difficult even when
two parents are in the picture full
time. Often single parents are very
much alone and need understan
ding and support. This is true
whether they are financially secure
or not.
Christians are Christ in space and
time. For Christians today, the
story of the compassion shown by
Jesus to the widow of Naim is par
ticularly timely.
(Father Castelot teaches at St.
John's Seminary, Plymouth, Mich.)
FOOD...
...for thought
1. As a newly separated parent
bewildered by her husband's
unexpected departure, Mary
wasn't sure where to turn.
She was involved through her
son in the parish's CCD pro
gram. Through friendships
developed there, she learned
about a weekly Eucharist at 5
p.m. in the parish convent, at
tended by 20 to 40 people.
That Eucharist quickly became
“almost the highlight of the
week for me,” Mary said. “At a
vulnerable time in my life, those
people became key supports to
me and a strong sense of com
munity developed among us.”
She came to know the people
well through the potluck suppers
that often followed the Mass.
What made the experience all
the more striking, Mary says, was
the fact that the group made her
feel “so welcome, even though
my lifestyle was different.” At
the time, 14 years ago, separated
and divorced people were not as
highly visible in her parish.
Later, Mary made it a point to
keep an eye out for other lonely
and upset people to welcome to
the liturgical experience.
2. Each week the 35-year-old
w'oman faithfully attended the
parish renew'al meeting.
Somewhat quiet, she didn’t play
a major part in the group con
versation. When she did speak,
however, she was listened to
because she could be counted on
...for discussion
1. Father John Castelot sug
gests that “single parents” is a
misnomer; They should be called
"double parents.” Why does he
say that?
2. In planning special events
— community dinners, parish
celebrations — what can be done
so that single adults and one-
parent families feel welcome?
Can you think of an occasion
when, inadvertently, ar
rangements were made in such a
w ay that single adults w ould not
feel included?
3. Katharine Bird lists some of
the special adjustments single
parents have to make. What are
they?
4. Dominican Father David
O'Rourke says that friends and
the traditions of the church are
supports for single parents.
How?
to speak honestly and w 7 ith
feeling.
One week participants discuss
ed what they sought in the
church. The woman's answer
was straightforward: “I look for
a sense of community.”
Her answer, to at least one
listener, was surprising. When he
learned later that the woman
was a widow 7 with three
children, her comments had a
“double impact,” he said.
Her statement made him think
about what his responsibility
might be toward her and other
single parents in the parish. “If
community means so much to
her,” he said, “it seems as
though she has a right to expect
it. "
“If we don't respond to her
need, our meetings will be a
failure for her,” he added.
How can other parishioners
help single parents in their midst
to feel welcome in the
community?
•Keep alert for shy persons sit
ting by themselves, especially at
social events. Think how hard it
is to approach a group of people
w ho all seem to know each
other.
•Take care when setting rooms
up for events. Set up tables and
chairs in such a way that single
adults and single parents w ith
their children are encouraged to
mingle with others.
What suggestions can you add
to this list?
SECOND HELPINGS
“Divorcing, Believing,
Belonging,” by Paulist Father
James Young, is a series of
reflections peppered with
stories from his 10 years of
ministering to divorced
Catholics. Father Young writes
that Christianity and the
church’s ministries have much
to offer people struggling to ad
just to the many changes that
result from a broken marriage.
Father Young says that in his
work he has seen “pain, heal
ing and new life over and over
again. 1 have seen the Lord
reaching out and touching his
people.” His book is designed
“to follow the process of the
divorcing person through the
trauma of broken marriage, on
to the struggle to believe again
and find a new sense of belong
ing in the Catholic community.”
(Paulist Press. 997 Macarthur
Blvd., Mahwah, N.J. 07430.
1984. $7.95.)