Newspaper Page Text
Supplement to The Georgia Bulletin, June 20, 1985
One father's story
How does a father raise
children by himself?
What support is there?
What help is at hand?
I had a talk with a
friend on this very sub
ject a few months ago
after a wedding.
I find that the priest’s role
at a wedding is very enjoyable
but it’s also a workout. So
when I arrive at the reception
I usually take my ritual glass of
champagne and look for a quiet
corner with a comfortable chair.
At a wedding last fall I went
looking for such a corner and
found it already occupied by a
man I’ve known for 10 years,
since he was a widower with
three boys.
“Well, you’re looking relaxed,”
I said as he motioned me into the
chair next to him.
“I’m not just relaxed,” he said,
“I’m celebrating.” He went on to
explain that earlier that morning
he had helped his youngest son,
just entering college, move
from the family home into
his dorm.
Then, speaking almost in
disbelief, the father said,
“I’ve actually done it. I
raised all three of them.
There were times when I never
thought I would make it. But
I did, and they all look like
they’re going to turn out OK.”
My friend was obviously reliev
ed and proud that he had manag
ed to raise his three boys by
himself. Ten years previously,
when the boys were 8, 11 and 13,
a terrible accident had left him a
widower. Now on this warm
September Saturday he had helped
the youngest follow his brothers
into college life.
I knew that reaching this day
had not been easy. There was, of
course, the terrible and bewilder
ing fog of the first few months 10
years back. It began with a call
from the police at the emergency
room. Those first days and weeks
and months seemed like an
eternity.
I knew that he was a man with
a real faith and his faith was im
portant to him. It gave him pur
pose and direction. But even so
there was the daily need to ac
complish by himself the tasks that
he and his wife had once divided
between them.
One Saturday morning a number
of years back I ran into him in the
supermarket. He was trying to
complete the week’s shopping
before going home to the laundry
and then planning menus and
scheduling trips to the orthodon
tist and parent-teacher
conferences.
That day he was feeling frazzl
ed. “I’ve realized that I never
learned how to live alone,” he
said. “I lived at home until I got
married. I’ve never lived
without another adult in
the house and, questions
of loneliness aside, I
just don’t know how to
do it.”
Now, on this Sat
urday when we
were celebrat
ing a wedding,
those worries
were behind him.
“How did you do
it?” I asked. “In
addition to your
friends, what helped?”
He thought for a mo
ment, then said: “Hav
ing structures to lean on.
Like the church, with its
weekly routines and
holidays.
“The first Christmas was hard.
If I had had to plan out a
Christmas celebration I know I
couldn't have done it.
“Thank God, there was a tradi
tion to fall back on. We went to
Midnight Mass like we always do.
We put the tree and the crib and
the figures in their usual places.
And then we had a big dinner for
all the grandparents like we
always do.”
“It’s a lot like this wedding,”
he added, pointing to the bride
and groom now dancing together.
“They may both be 23 but they
don’t really understand marriage
yet. How could they? But the
church says they should go
through its public marriage
ceremonies. So they trust the
church and they do it. The church
says it’s possible to make it and
they believe it.”
“We need these structures,” he
said. “At least, I did. I needed
them to rely on because there
were times when I couldn’t rely
on myself. I’ve made it,” he said.
“But I don’t know how I would
have made it without them and
without the community’s
support.”
Then, laughing and looking
relaxed, he raised a now empty
champagne glass a little and look
ed around. “Waiter!” he called,
“Now where’d he go?”
(Father O’Rourke is associate
director of the Family Life Office
in the Diocese of Oakland, Calif.)
By Father David K. O’Rourke, OP
NC News Service
How can a single parent possibly
cope with the monumental task of
raising children alone? Father David
<«y O'Rourke tells about a friend who did
just that. Now, his children raised, the man
reflects on what to some moy seem on im
possible task.