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BILL NIE AS A CANDIDATE.
DECOYED WITH HONEYED WORDS HE ES
SAYS TO RUBIFY POLITICS.
Items of a Momentous Canvass Disclosed
I have only just returned from the new-made
grave of a little boomlet of my own. Yesterday I
dug a little hole in the back-yard and hurried in it
my little boom, where the pie-plant will cast its
cooling shadows over it and the pinch-bugs can
come and carol above it at eventide.
A few weeks ago a plain man came to me and
asked me my name. Refreshing my memory by look
ing at the mark on mj r linen I told him promptly who
I was. H« said that he had resided in New York for
a long time and felt the hour had now arrived for
politics in this city to be purified. Would I assist
him in this great work? If so, would I appoint a
try sting-place where we could meet and trust? I
suggested the holy hush and quiet of lower Broad
way or the New York end of the Eastern river
bridge at 6 o’clock; but he said no, we might be dis
covered. So we agreed to meet at my house.
There he told me that his idea was to run me for
the state senate this fall, not because he had any po
litical ax to grind, but because he wanted to see old
methods wiped out and the will of the people find
true and unfettered expression.
“ And, sir,” I asked, “what party do you repre
sent?”
“I represent those who wish for purity, those
who sigh sos the results of unbought suffrage, those
who despise old methods and yearn to hear the un
smothered voice of the people.”
•‘Then you are Mr Vox Populi himself,
perhaps?”
“No, my name is Kargill, and I am in dead
earnest. I represent the party of purity in New
York.”
“ And why did you not bring the party with
you? Then you and I and my wife and this party
you speak of could have had a game of whist
together,” said I, with an air of inimitable drollery.
But he seemed to be shocked by my trifling man
ner and again asked me to be his standard bearer.
Finally I said reluctantly that I would do so, for I
have always said that I would never shrink from
duty in case I should become the victim of political
preferment.
In Wyoming I had several times accepted the
portfolio of justice of the peace, and so I knew what
it was to be called fourth by the wild and clamorous
appeals of my constitutents and asked to stand up
for principle, to buckle on the armor of true patri
otism and with drawn sword and overdrawn salary
to battle for the right.
In running for office in Wyoming our greatest
expense and annoyance arose from the immense dis
tances we had to travel in order to go over one
county. Many a day I have travelled during an ex
citing canvass from daylight till dark without
meeting a voter. But here was a senatorial district
not larger than a joint school district, and thought
that of making a canvass would be
comparatively small.
That was where I made a mistake. The day
after Mr. Lucifer Kargill had entered my home and
with honeyed words made me believe that New
York had been, figuratively speaking, sitting back
on her haunches for fifty years waiting for me to
come along and be a standard-bearer, a man came
to my house who said that he had heard that I was
looking toward the senate, and he had come to see
me as the representative of Irving Hall. I said that
I did not care a continental for Irving Hall, so far
as my own campaign was concerned, as I intended
to do all of my speaking in the school-houses.
,He said that I did not understand him. What he
wanted to know was, what percentage of my gross
earnings at Albany would go into the Irving Hall
sinking fund, providing that organization indorsed
me? I said that I was going into this campaign to
purify politics, and that I would do what was right
towards Irving Hall, in order to be placed in a po
sition where I could get in my work as a purifier.
We then had a long talk upon what he called the
needs of the hour. He said that I would make a
good candidate, as I had no past. I was unknown
and safe. Besides, he could see that I had the ele
ments of success, for I had never expressed any
opinion about anything, and had never antagonized
any of the different wings of the party by saying
anything that people had paid any attention to. H e
said also that he learned I had belonged to all the
difierent parties, and so would be faniilliar with the
methods of each. He then asked me to sign a
pledge, and after I had done so he shook hands
with me and went away.
• The next day I was waited upon by the treasurers
of eleven chowder clubs, the financial secretary of
the Shanty Sharpshooters and Goat Hill Volunteers.
A man also came to obtain means for hurrying a
dead friend. I afterward saw him doing so to some
extent. He was burying his friend beneath the
solemn shadow of a heavy mahogony-colored mus
tache, of which he was the sole proprietor.
I was waited upon by delegations from Tam
many, the County Democracy and the Jeffersonian
Simplicity club. Everybody seemed to have
dropped his own business in order to wait upon me.
I became pledged to everything on condition that
I should be elected. It makes me shudder now to
think what I may have signed. I paid forty odd
dollars for the privilege of voting for a beautiful
child, and thus lost influence with every other pa
rent in the contest. I voted for the most popular
young lady and heard afterward that she regarded
me only as a friend. I had a biography and por
trait of myself printed in an obscure paper that
claimed a large circulation, and the first time the
forms went into the press a loose screw fell out of
the machinery, caught on the forehead of my por
trait peeled back the scalp so that it dropped over one
eye like a prayer rug hanging out of the window of
a Constantinople minaret during house-cleaning
time. ♦
I had paid a boy $3 to scatter these papers among
the neighbors, but I met him as he came out of the
office and made it $5 if he would put them in the
bosom of the moaning tide..
THE NEW WESTERN RAILWAY GUIDE.
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THE GREATEST BLOOD REMEDY EVER DISCOVERED.
Cures Rheumatism by simply driving the poison out of the blood. It will just as effectually cure any and all other diseases
that are caused by an impure sta.e of the blood, and they are many. Neuralgia and sick headache, which so many of our ladies
suffer wWi so greatly, is all corrected by the use ot from one to three bottles. It has been tried thoroughly, and never fails in
those cases. Any kidney trouble is entirely corrected by its use. Every one should take something to act directly upon the
blood and kidnev, and there is nothing ever discovered that will do it so effectually as Hunnicutt’s Rheumatic Cure. Try it and
you will be convinced. For sale by all druggists. Prepared by
vmnmnrw reehiatic cure «•.
ZE*. O. I3ox 51.
PEABODY HOTEL.’
C. B. GALLAWAY & CO., Prop’rs. MEMPHIS, TENN.
. -. ■ Brat.
nil nirttwOffl
i I iiHlMnllln
RATES: —
to per <a.£b37*,
A.ccordLin,g to Location, of ftoom. - - Special .Rates naade.
THIS HOTEL IS CENTRALLY LOCATED,
Corner of Monroe & Main Sts.
The nearest to all general business and railroad ticket offices in the city.
Convenient to street cars and steamboat landings.
I give below a rough draft of expenses, not inclu
ding some of the items referred to above.
STATEMENT IN HANDS OF MY ASSIGNEE.
Loaned to red-nosed gentleman who dis-
and pleaded with me to run
for the'office so that the people could have
a pure administration $25 00
rent of man who claimed to have in
fluence, but whose wife is in the habit of
kicking him under the lounge and welting
him over the head with a carpet
stretcher 20 00
Advanced to Early Galoot club for demon
stration purposes, viz. : for purchase of
500 torches; which demonstration was a
failure, owing to inability of the six mem
bers of club to carry 500 torches while
drunk 250 00
Paid to recording secretary of Independ
ent Order of Bungstarters, for purpose of
buying new tin panopoly for parade
purposes 32 00
Paid my proportion of expenses of contem
plated demonstration. Stipulated by me
that this money should be used in de
fraying the expenses of torchlight pro
cession to march down Broadway, but it
was really used to fit out a procession
that marched down the broad road to a
ready made drunkard’s doom 27 00
Paid drunk and disorderly fine and costs of
man who first came to me with his siren’s
song and begged me to please run and
purify politics. ................. 934
Paid secretary of Beardless Boys Political
Filter Corps No. 9, to buy new strainer
for purifying politics 2 85
Paid for bromide furnished to man who
first thought of me as a candidate 20
Paid man who agreed to throw a stereop-
tican portrait ot myself against the side
of the Grand Central depot all night,
together with the announcement that I
was the people’s choice, but which said
man, I afterward learned, got SSO for put
ting above the portrait an illuminated
legend, as follows: “This man would
have looked better if he had used Sleuck’s
Handrake pills” 25 00
Paid hack hire for conveyance to Home of
the Friendless two children of a man who
writes scathing Magazine articles on
“ How to Make Home Happy,” and who
also has a strong political pull, but which
pull, strong as it is, stands back and trem
bles and turns pale in the presence of this
man’s rich Bourbon breath 5 00
Paid for votes while runnin at a big church
fair for embroidered suspenders voted to
“ the most popular hairless man in New
York,” $832.
Credit by suspenders, 140 cents;
balance 831 60
Paid for extra papers (papers contained
column article, with flea-bitten portrait,
and statement that at the age of 18
months I crawled out of the cradle and
began to support my parents by taming
lions for a circus . 122 00
Lib S- Lib
CAPITAL PRIZE, • - $ 150,000
“ We do hereby certify that we supervise the arrangement! for
all the Monthly and Semi-Annual Drawings of the Louisiana
State Lottery Company, and in person manage and control
the Drawings themselves, and that the tame are conducted
with honesty, fairness, and in good faith toward all parties,
and we authorise the Company to use this certificate, with
facsimiles of our signatures attached, in its advertisements."
, 0 r Commissioner*.
/. tfuriy, I
We, the undersigned, Banks and Bankers, will pay all
prizes drawn in the Louisiana State Lotteries, which may be
presented at our counters.
J, H. OGLESBY. Prcs’t JLa. National Bank.
P. LAN AUX, - Prew’t State Rational Bank.
A. BALDWIN. a , res’t N. O. Rational Bank.
CARL KOHN, Pres’t Union National Bank.
UNPRECEDENTED ATTRACTION.
Over Half a Million Distributed.
Louisiana State Lottery Co.
Incorporated in 1868 for twenty-five years by the Legislature
for Educational and Charitable purposes—with a capital of
sl,ooo,ooo—to which a reserve fund of over $550,000 has since
been added.
By an overwhelming popular vote its franchise was made a
part of the present State Constitution, adopter December 2d,
A. D. 1879.
The only Lottery ever voted on and endorsed by the people of
any State. It never scales or postpones.
Its grand Single Namber Drawings take place monthly, and
the Semi-Annual Drawings regularly every six months, June
and December.
A SPLENDID OPPORTUNITY TO WIN A FORTUNE.
Eighth Grand Drawing, Class 11. in the Academy of Music,
New Orleans, Tuesday, November Sth, 1887 2 1 oth Monthly
Drawing.
Capital Prize, $150,000.
Bnjf* NOTlCE.—Tickets are Ten Hollars only. Halves,
$5. Fifths, §2. Tenths,®!.
LIST OF PRIZES.
1 Capital Prize of $150,000 $150,000
1 Grand Prize of 50,000 50,006
1 Grand Prize of 20,000 20,000
2 Large Prizes of.. 10,000 20,000
4 Large Prizes of. 5,000 20,000
20 Prizes of 1,000 20,000
50 Prizes of 500 25,000
100 Prizes of ... .... 300 30,000
2110 Prizes of .... .... 200 \ 40,000
500 Prizes of 100 50,000
1000 Prizes of 50 50,000
approximation prizes.
100 Approximation Prizes of S3OO 30,000
100 Approximation Prizes of 200 .. 20,009
100 Approximation Prizes of 100 10,000
2179 Prizes, amounting to $535,000
Application for rates to clubs should be made only to the
office of the Company in New Orleans.
For further information write clearly, giving full address.
POSTAL NOTES, Express Money Orders, or New York Ex
change in ordinary letter. Currency by Express (at our ex
pense), addressed M. A. DAUPHIN. New Orleans, La.
or M. A. DAUPHIN. Washington, D. C.
* or at 6 W. COURT ST., Memphis,Tenn
Address Registered Letters to
NEW ORLEANS NATIONAL BANK, New Orleans, La.
D£M CM DED— That the Presence of Gens. Beauregard
HL 111 DL la and Early, who are in charge of the draw
ings, is a guarantee of absolute fairness and integrity, that
the chances are all equal, and that no one can possibly divine
what number will draw a prize.
REMEMBER, That the payment of all Prizes is
GUARANTEED by FOUR NATIONAL BANK*
of New Orleans, and the Tickets are signed by the President
of an Institution, whose chartered rights are recognized in
the highest Courts; therefore, beware of any imitations or
anonymous schemes.
A POSITIVE CORE
For G, and G. fck for
2-9-11
TWELVE-NINE-ELEVEH
Price 50 Cants psr Bottle.
J. J. MlLES,fatfaetarer, MEMPHIS,TENN.
FOR SALE BY ALL DKUCCtSTS.
DANIELS, Druggist, No. 30 Wail St, Agent,
No 3—l2t
Paid for strong political pulls to use in
working said cigars ••• 350
Paid to influential ward-worker, who
needed a little money at the house, as his
wife had just presented him with twins.... 20 00
One week later thoughtlessly paid the same
man under what purported to be similar
circumstances 10 00
Yesterday I tried to find the red-nosed man who
first asked me to go into the standard-bearer busi
ness in order to withdraw my name, but I could
not find him In the directory. I therefore take this
means ot saying, as I said to my assignee last
evening, that if a public office be a public bust I
might just as well bust now and have it over.
To morrow I will sell out at residence a cane
voted to me as the most popular man in the state;
also an assortment of political pulls, a little loose in
the handles, but otherwise all right. I will closeout
at the same time 500 torches, 300 tin helmlets, nine
transperancies and one double-leaded editorial en
titled, “ Dinna, Ye Hear the Slogan?”
t Bill Nye.