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SPORTS Burkhart’s and Sports Page Sweep Hotlanta's Spring Invitational This past weekend, on March 26 to be exact, this roving sports reporter and his faithful roving sports photographer Jeannine, (actually, this was our first assignment, but she seemed faithful) had the profound good fortune to attend the Hotlanta Spring Invitational Tournament, hosted by the Hotlanta Softball League, at the Southside Recreational Center on Jonesboro Road. Folks, I am only sorry that my "peculiar" style of writing cannot imbue the extreme sense of team spirit, of gay and lesbian-ness, of just plain good all- American fun, that hit you smack in the face the minute you arrived at the park. Because of this, and because the people themselves said it better than I could report second-hand, this article will contain many of the cheers overheard during the festivities. Of course, since my only desire is to make you, gentle reader, feel that you were actually a part of everything that happened, I will include directions on how you can do these particular cheers in the privacy of your own home. Before reading any further, you should now sing the opening bars of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", fading out when you get to the cracker-jack pan. Okay, you ready? We arrive at the ballpark around 11:00, just in time for the start of two games (obviously, play is simultaneously taking place on two fields): we have the Armory Falconettes playing against Sports Page, and Bulldog's men's team playing against Burkhart's. Time for the explanations. Here's who we have playing today. AV S Renegades, Bulldog's men’s team and Bulldog's women's team (Meshugenahs), Burkhart's Pub, Toolulah's, Sports Page, and Armory Falcons (men) and Falconettes (women). Now remember, folks, this is my first outdoor event where it's actually a gorgeous day. We're talking sun and warmth! We're also talking several men, softball players at that, lounging around with their shirts off (I've told you before, I'm only human). I fell in love twice, my faithful photographer only once. She probably would have upped her score, but the women don't have their shirts off. "Here we go, Bulldogs, here we go!" (clap, clap). REPEAT till tired or somebody stops. You all know the tune that goes with that, don't you? Now, on both of the fields, there are honest-to- God working scoreboards, and for the Bulldog's/Burkhart's game that started when we arrived, there is even an announcer with a great sport reporting voice. The spectators are eating this game up. Anytime something great happens on the field, the fans stand en masse, jumping up and down on the bleachers with gutteral exclamations of "Ooh, Ooh,Ooh!" The umpire throws me for a loop, though. He has an idiosyncratic way of holding both hands above his head, fingers spread wide, and, at the top of his lungs, yelling, "Aiieeee!" Now folks, I thought I had heard all the ways an ump could butcher the work "strike", but this is a new one on me. Also during the game, I notice the good ole sports-type ass-patting that occurs so frequently in "straight" professional sports games, although here there is just a moment longer hesitation on the cheek, but I never noticed an actual squeeze. It's now way past lunchtime, and, can you believe it, there's even a concession stand here, the thing I so sorely missed at the tennis tournament. Softball wouldn't be softball without a hot dog and a coke, am I right? So that's exactly what I got, a nice juicy ballpark frank that plumps when you cook 'em. At least they have weenies for me; once again, I feel sorry for The Spirit of "The Armorettes", cheerleaders for the Armory Falconettes, made everyone's day. Photo by Jeannine Quintana Jeanirine that they don't have any chicken breasts. Okay, let's move to the other field, Armory Falconettes against Sports Page. The other field may have an announcer, but this particular game has the Armorettes, a small but oh-so-vocal group of cheerleaders whose job it is to "raise hell and bring glamour to the activities," as they put it. Example: "Three up, hoo-hoo, three down, hoo- hoo." Now, to do this one at home, you have to slip into a falsetto on the hoo-hoo parts. Here's one I don't get "Come on juicy, hit the tree." Folks, there isn't a single tree on this field, and rightly so in my opinion. Maybe this is just a euphemistically phrased request for a home run. Like I said, I don't get it Now, at first, I must admit that I didn't think the women's teams were as vocal as the men's teams, but when the Falconettes retired to the bull-pea I changed my mind instantly. All hell broke loose. Maybe their enthusiasm stems from the fact that this is the very first season for the women's division in Hotlanta Softball in Atlanta. These women are psyched! "It's time to kick some ass!" For this one, you have to gradually inflect your voice upward on each word till you're got a vein- bulging scream on the ass pari (One more quick aside. Now that I have to consciously avoid gender-oriented writing, I was afraid that "bull pen" was too sexist a phrase or place to let the women's teams retire. But after watching them play, and realizing that "cow-pen" would never in a zillion years get past my editor, I decided that "bull" will fit the bill quite nicely.) The men’s field allowed me to see ass- patting, a baseball standard. Here on the women's field, I get to see another. They spit. After all was cheered and done, here's how the teams stacked up. Once more, "D" stands for defeated. People, people, people. You want to have a good time this summer? You want to hoop and holler with a whole lot of other self-proclaimed (or sympathizers of) homosexuals from all over these United States and points beyond? I can tell you exactly what to do. So can Jeannine, my faithful sports photographer. Pick a gay softball team, any team, pack yourself a big picnic lunch (complete with ball park franks, the kind that plump when you cook 'em) and be at Piedmont Park any Sunday beginning April 10, about 11:00 am, and hoop and holler to your heart's content You won't be alone, I promise you. Now I've got some other news for you, and you'll excuse me, I hope, if I get a little soap - boxy or sentimental. I have been transferred to Chicago, and by the time you read this, I will already be living there. To everyone who has helped me with this column, from all the great sports organizations and everyone involved with them, to the staff of Southern Voice, a great big Texas-size hug and a hearty "Thanks!" to all those who have touched my personal life (and you know who you are). I will miss you deeply. But if I have, in my own small way, touched your life, constant reader, or have brought a smile to your face, or have maybe even helped you to get involved.then I have accomplished a great personal goal, and can leave extremely satisfied with that knowledge. I have enjoyed the times I got to communicate with you, but the torch has passed. Keep the faith, folks. - Michael McMillan Melanie Smith slides hard for the Sports PageJPhoto by Jeannine Quintana. Winner: Burkhart's (1 toss) Winner: Sports Page (undefeated) Open Women Bulldog's D AVS Renegades 10-1 Sports Page D Toolulah's 16-1 Burkhart's D Armory 3-1 Armory Falconettes D Bulldogs's 14-0 Bulldog's D Armory 6-1 Sports Page D Armory Falconettes 12-6 Armory D AVS Renegades 6-2 Toolulah's D Bulldogs 12-1 Burkhart's D Bulldog's 20-4 Toolulah's D Armory Falconettes 14-8 Bulldog's D Burkhart's 10-7 Burkhart's D Bulldog's 12-3 Sports Page D Armory Falconettes 11-4 CHARtS books & more 419Moreland Avenue HE Atlanta.Ga. 30307 524-0304 A Feminist Bookstore and more. . . Jewelry * records * children’s books * cards ♦ t-shirts ♦ journals ♦ buttons Open 7 days a week In Little Five Points Franklin Abbott, L.C.S.W. Martha Lou Brock, L.C.S.W. jane DeMure, R.N., M.N., C.S. Elaine Mueller, R.N., Ms.T. Ansley Therapy Associates Suite 120 • 1904 Monroe Drive • Atlanta, Georgia 30324 (404) 874-8294 Page 11