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Health and
Healing
The gay and lesbian community is challenged to find
and unprove ways of maintaining our health, and healing
our hearts and air bodies. This column win offer insight
and advice by various writers with a range of viewpoints
and expertise. If you are intereseted in submitting an article
or requesting a topic, contact Franklin Abbott in care of
SouthemVdce.
This Grief
Some weeks I am sorrowful more days than I am not
AIDS has been a part of my reality for so long it can seem
normal and I have to remind myself that living in the
midst of a plague, like living in the midst of a war, is one
of the hardest tasks that can confront a human being.
Curiously, in all of this, 1 find my capacity for celebration
enhanced 1 laugh from a deeper place in my gut music
seems more vivid and this spring the fragrance of
blooming things often intoxicates me. I find wonder in a
flower, awe in the greening of the trees. It is a strange gift
of my grief, an essentia] compensation for my suffering,
that I can be alternating hours so happy and so hurt Old
Franklin Abbott Photo by Kent Simmons
proverbs like "grief cleanses the heart" or "tears wash the
soul" come to mind In these days of AIDS I have to take
my heart and soul often to be laundered in that mix of
emotion grief is.
I recently rcdeved a letter from my friend Heinz who
lives in Germany. He wrote of the death of his first lover,
Jesus, a Spanish pianist Jesus had died of AIDS-related
complications. Heinz wrote, 'Do you know that kind of
feeling when one stands there helpless, furious, sad and
full of misery?" I know it well, have felt it often. Hardly a
week passes when 1 have not felt those feelings so
intensely that I cry, tremble and collapse into despair.
These episodes are not insanity. I break down to stay sane
and centered even though I am often at a loss for words. I
don't know what to say. I don't know what to do but feeL
I have lost less than some, more than others. I have a
healthy body and most of my friends are still alive. Tlx;
loss I'm aware of is still deeply personal: my safety is
shaken and I've lost the future as I had imagined it Thisis
not the first time that I've lost the future. Whenlwasl9
and coming out I lost a whole set of well-nurtured images:
wife and children, success in law and politics, public
acclaim. I'd been ambitious, worked hard in high school
to prepare myself for a life that a gay man outside a closet
cannot have. It took me years to leam to mourn the loss of
my youthful dreams. Those years were the hardest and
most dangerous of my life. Unable to grieve I became
depressed, hostile and self-destructive. It took the loss of
my first relationship to break me open to my anguish and
my rage.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who has written widely on
death and dying has described grief as a process. In this
process there are stages that we must pass through. They
are not dearly defined or in any particular order though in
rational sequence they are dernk, bargaining, depression,
anger and acceptance. Denial is a refusal to believe
(This is not really happening"). Bargaining is half-
believing (Til take my vitamins and go to church and it
wont gel me"). Depression is recognizing reality but
feeling helpless in the face of it ('Nothing matters, nothing
helps;. Anger is confronting the unfairness of the loss
(Why this, why me, why now, why!!!"). Acceptance is
knowing the truth and understanding it, even embracing it
as a point of departure into the future ('My loss is real and
lean live with it").
We don't know how long well have to live with AIDS.
Nor do we know how bad it will get or how dose it will
come. We can no longer entertain the notion that we will
grow dd with our circle of friends intacL Mostofuswill
not pass a season without some bad news about
somebody we know somewhere whose health is in
jeopardy or decline, at death’s predpicc or over it HIV
positive, negative or unkown we are all at a loss for a clear
picture of the future. We can speculate on miracles,
Homophobia and Disease
ruminate on further disaster-the future is still a mystery
and in the present we are still at a loss.
I don't want to know this, certainly not as my truth
and when I must look as often as 1 must, I stand there
"helpless, furious, sad and full of misery." Sometimes it
is just too much. Sometiroes like an animal under threat
of assault, in terror I freeze, barely breathing. I tell
myself that death will not see me, that danger will pass
me by. These lies keep me paralyzed and here is where I
need you, where we desperately need each other. I need
you to put your arms around me and help me feel my
fear. Until I feel it I will never find my courage. Give
shoulder to my head and let me ay the misery out of my
heart Stand with me as I shake a fist at Heaven, at
hatred, at the shame and sham of church and state.
March with me, vote with me, fuel my protest: let me be
as furious as I am. And when I am helpless as a child,
sad-eyed and wanting to hide, let me be, let me be.
AIDS has taken our dreams and broken our hearts.
Each of us has our own grief and as a community we
grieve a loss of a life we cannot fathom. As individuals
and as a community we are working to accept the reality
of how AIDS plagues our lives. This acceptance is part
of what motivated hundreds of thousands of lesbians and
gay men to march on Washington last October. It has
given a new urgency to our political agenda. This
acceptance has also fostered an awakening among us
about our health and our capacity to heal ourselves in
spite of medical odds. As this crisis deepens so must our
acceptance of if I think that means we have to love each
other with greater intensity and more deeply than we
have ever dared. In doing so perhaps we fulfill a part of
our spiritual destiny. We dare to love against the odds,
defying hatred, in the face of death. Heart to heart, more
than ever, in a circle of love, though we don’t know how,
together we will make it through this grief. Together,
whatever happens, our love will survive.
-Franklin Abbott
Franklin Abbott,LCSW isa psychotherapist in private
practice with Ansley Therapy Associates. He is a poet
and has edited poetry for Changing Man and RFD.
He edited the anthology New Man, New Minds:
Breaking Male Tradition (The Crossing Press, 1987).
He co-hosts "Soundings" on WRFG, 893FM,
Thursday afternoons from 1-2. He is also active in the
circle of healing that meets twice monthly at the First
Existentialist Church. He can be reached at 874-8294.
Manifestations of homophobia are all too
prevalent in our lives. Examples abound, from
negative or non-existent portrayals of gays and
lesbians in the media to the endless litany of blame
and backlash for legal, moral and now medical
reasons why we should all be ensconced in
concentration camps or ferried off the cliffs and
into the sea.
But what of some of the deeper meanings
behind our malaise? What is the story behind the
screaming bloody murder headlines or the atrocities
our fellow earthlings commit in the name of
Mohammed, Mom and apple pie? What motivates
some of these rabid straight folk? And what's
going on with us in our current state of sexual dis
ease and dysfunction?
Some possibilities present themselves in the
expanding areas of holistic health care and
metaphysics, reinforced by medical doctors and
psychologists who increasingly identify a mind-
body link Much of what spiritual healers and
teachers are saying addresses the roots of disease
and homophobia and the overall well-being of the
gay community, and herein are some provocations
from two prominent healing professionals in the
Atlanta alternative counseling community.
Wes Anderson is a hypnotherapist and a neuro
muscular (deep tissue massage) therapist with over
ten years' experience in body work and spiritual
techniques. "I don't totally buy that AIDS exists
because of a lack of self-acceptance" Anderson
declares. 'T don't think self-acceptance is the causal
factor. But I do think low self-image and negative
social attitudes make people more open to immune-
related difficulties, and gays are more susceptible."
Anderson observes that many people with AIDS
are literally suggested to death by their doctors.
"Giving medical people that kind of power doesn't
work Statistics show the patients who ask the most
questions, demand the most
answers and are intractable live the longest
Taking responsibility and taking charge is the
best way. Being passive and letting someone
else direct what's going on with you is a death
sentence."
Anderson thinks there is actually a stronger
impetus towards community among gay people,
to "congregate together because you're all
'outcasts' for the same reason," and that
practicing prejudice is a reflection of peoples'
own self-rejection or fear of their own
psychological shadow: "The judgment lurking
behind (prejudice) is a denial of something in
yourself." He also cites a 1950’s sociological
study in which blacks in the North were found to
be more anxious than blacks in the South, largely
because blacks in the South knew what kind of
treatment they were likely to get "When you
were gay you used to be assured of being a
social outcast and now you don't know how an
individual's going to react You've got a double-
edged sword-more accepted, less assurance."
Anderson is hopeful about the future,
however. "You’ve got a horrendous cultural
upheaval that's ongoing and some hearts are
opening up, transformtion is coming about." He
likens many peoples’ current experience to that
of the mother who had to identify her child's
body found half-eaten by sharks. "It tore my
heart open and I have stayed open ever since,"
she cried.
Next week spiritual counselor, teacher and
author Gary Bonnelle will talk about the roots of
disease in shame and how to counteract negative
emotions by learning the art of loving
yourself-enthusiastically.
- Dave Patrick Hayward
Wes Anderson practices clinical hypnotherapy,
dream therapy and deep body work. 266-0790.
The AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power (ACT UP) and
Oppression Under Target (OUT!) joined forces May 16th
to protest and disrupt & United States Civil Rights
Commission's hearings on AIDS. The commissioners
were meeting in Washington, D.C., to hear testimony at
three AIDS-related issues: the transmissability of AIDS;
allegations of discrimination against people with
AIDS/ARC (PWA/ARQ; and the view that extending
civil rights protections to cover PWA/ARCs jeopardizes
the public health.
Many of the protesters had cane from New York City
• to help stage the raucous demonstration which would halt
the proceedings. After demensirating outside the herings,
the group of of 65 moved inside the building, where they
succesMy captured the attention of all those present
Wearing plastic clown masks, the activists quickly
agitated the conmissioners and excited the press gallery.
Shouting "The whole world is watching," and verbally
harassing selected witnesses' testimony, the pretesters left
the chamber moments before being arrested.
"Since they had already made a circus out of the
proceedings, we felt it was only appropriate to wear the
clown masks," said Osborne. The group sat quietly
through the first few minutes of the hearings, and then
began to mutter and "talk back" to the witnesses testifying.
At the most disruptive point, the activists bent over and
pointed their behinds at the commissioners, while shouting
"What are you smiling about, Pendleton?"
The protesters were present to prevent what they saw as
an attempt to turn the proceedings into a rubber stamp
approval of the the Reagan Administration's contention
that AIDS is a public health issue that does not require
special civil rights considerations.
It is uncertain which angered the protesters more, the
decided slant of those planning to testify, a a footnote to a
study done by the Civil Rights Commission which pointed
out that 26 states still retain sodomy laws. The footnote
also cited Biblical passages which are believed to prohibit
homosexuality. Whichever, the commissioners certainly
got more attention than they had bargained for.
Protest coordinators Duncan Osborne of ACT UP/New
York and Urvashi Vaid of the National Gay and Lesbian
Task Force (NGLTF) called the hearings "biased and
wasteful," and condemned the commission for spending
valuable time discussing issues, such as transmissibility,
which the group of protesters felt had been settled. Added
Vaid, "They (the commissioners) do, or could, have a
role to play in the fight against AIDS. Instead, they're
intent only on dismantling past civil rights protections.
Also at issue for the protesters was the fact that only
one PWA was scheduled to testify before the
commissioners. That witness, Paul Gann of California,
contracted AIDS through a blood transfusion, and is a
strong proponent of the radical LaRouche propositions
currently being placed on the ballot in California
"There should have been many more PWAs testifying
- gays, blacks, women, and children. How can you take
testimony on discrimination without hearing from
anyone being discriminated against?" demanded
Osborne.
Of those testifying, the overwhelming majority
attempted to disassociate AIDS issues and civil rights
protection. Said David Pence, a radiologist and self-
proclaimed AIDS expert from Minneapolis, "The road to
Selma (Alabama) did na lead to sodomy."
-Chris Duncan
A NNE F4UPER
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