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Health and Healing
The gay and lesbian community is
challenged to find and improve ways of
maintaining our health and healing our
hearts and our bodies. This column will
offer insight and advice by various writers
with a range of viewpoints and expertise. If
you are interested in submitting an article
or requesting a topic, contact Franklin
Abbott in care of Southern Voice.
Tips For Living a Better Life
This type of attitude results in feelings of
not being in control of one's life. These
feelings of not having control are much like
those of an infant. As an adult, feeling
infantile is less than desirable, especially
when you realize that an infant is dependent
upon the goodwill of those around it.
Although we all have extremely valuable
parts of ourselves that are child-like, we are
better off to recognize that as adults we are, in
large measure, in charge of our own fate.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
When parents who are burdened with
worries and responsibilities hear children
asking for attention and material things, they
often feel overwhelmed. When children are
Having worked as a psychotherapist for the
last 14 years, I have had a unique opportunity
to observe human behavior. What strikes me
as interesting is the fact that as individuals
move toward a more rewarding life they all
incorporate at least
some of the following
ideas. I have described
these ideas with an eye
to providing solutions
to life problems and
understanding how
these problems affect
our lives.
During recent
decades, great strides
have been made in
understanding human
behavior and in
developing techniques
to help solve problems
that occur. Never
before have we been
able to see as clearly
why people view the
world as they do or feel
the way that they do.
For instance, old
treatment methods for
eating disorders, sexual
problems, as well as
chronic unhappiness and anxiety have given
way to newly developed treatment approaches.
The understanding of how families operate
together has also greatly increased. The
following tips may seem simple or complex,
depending on your perspective. I have found
them to be profound in their implication for a
healthy mental outlook. I hope that you will
lind them useful and informative in your
journey through life.
BE HONEST
responded to negatively in terms of the things
that they want, they soon learn to ignore their
wants and begin to depend more upon their
parents to give them what the parents can
emotionally and materially afford.
In this way,
children lose touch
with themselves.
They learn to look
to others for what
they want and after
a while, may even
lose awareness of
what it is they want
or how to find it
within themselves.
Then as adults, they
wait for others to
anticipate their
wants and needs.
This leads to
trouble.
It is very
important to let
people around you
know what you
want by asking for
it. If you ask for
what you want,
you are likely to
hear "no" on
occasion. However, by asking for what you
want, many of your wants will be fulfilled
and the rejection implied in the occasional
"no" will be easier to take.
KEEP YOUR WORD
When we make a commitment to someone
by indicating that we will accomplish a
certain task or be at a place at a specified
time, we are saying tq others and to ourselves
that we can be relied upon. When a person
commits to something and doesn't follow
Russell E. Brooker, ED. D.
through, they become incongruent with
themselves. When they set this incongruence
up on a regular basis, they will come to
wonder if they can trust themselves to handle
their own life. "Am I able to take care of
myself?" the unconscious mind might begin
to ask. The answer, which often comes back
in the form of vague feelings and beliefs is
often - "no, I can’t take care of myself."
Of course there will be times when the
expense to the self would be so great that
keeping a commitment would be fool-hardy.
This will cause only minimal distress.
Before making a commitment, ask yourself
if you will be able to follow through and be
honest with yourself in your answer. Many of
us find ourselves saying yes to things in order
to gain approval. This will inevitably lead to
trouble. If you make a commitment, make
sure that it is something that you want to do or
can do without extraordinary emotional
expense to yourself.
DEVELOP A SUPPORT GROUP
Many times because of time commitments,
people begin to drop close personal friends
from their lives. This is particularly common
among couples, who then begin to depend
more and more on their partners for the
majority of their support
This practice often begins in the infatuation
stage of relationships - a period when time
spent with a partner is most wonderful.
Generally, however, it is wise to maintain
close friendships no matter what your couple
status. For one thing, no one person can
always be available for support and counsel.
If a person has several people to turn to at a
time of stress, there is greater likelihood of
getting good support.
Men often, for a variety of reasons, tend to
let go of personal friendships when they
couple. When they realize that their partner is
not always available, there is a tendency to
feel abandoned. This may lead certain men to
use power maneuvers including manipulation
to regain the partner's support This rarely
works on a long-term basis and can be the
beginning of the end.
Keeping and nurturing your friendships is
an important part of living a better life.
DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE LEAD
TO JOYLESSNESS
We are all aware that drug usage for
recreational purposes is widespread in this
country. There are many reasons for this:
personal insecurity, fear of failure or success,
a desire to escape, and the desire to "loosen
up." Another reason is that in the initial
phases of drug usage, people find a sense of
well-being that is often lacking in their lives.
This condition, unfortunately, is not
maintained over time. With repeated usage of
drugs, people lose more and more sense of
themselves. The things which bring joy are
less and less available to the drug user. In
addition, most types of drugs used for
recreational purposes are addictive, which is a
problem in itself. So if you want more joy
and happiness in your life, consider finding
natural filings to accomplish this. And if you
need help, find it.
LEARN WHAT RESCUING IS AND DON'T
DOIT
The term rescuing has a specific meaning
in the study of human behavior. It means
doing something for someone that you don't
want to do or taking responsibility away from
someone and assuming the responsibility
yourself.
When a person rescues, he or she begins a
chain reaction of events which lead to
unpleasantness, psychological games, and
feelings of helplessness and resentment. A
person who rescues someone generally does
this because he or she wants to be liked. This
never happens! The way to develop closeness
is through being yourself, not through being a
rescuer.
LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELF
We all make lots of mistakes in life. This
is OK because we can learn about ourselves
from our mistakes. If we allow ourselves to
be paralyzed by guilt for having done
something inconsiderate or thoughtless, we
interfere with our natural tendency to correct
our mistakes.
If you make an error, acknowledge it to
yourself (and perhaps to those you have
affected) and forgive yourself. Vow not to
repeat the same mistake if you can help it and
get on with life.
-Russell E. Brooker, ED.D.
Dr. Brooker is a practicing psychologist in
the Atlanta area. For the last fourteen years
he has been extensively involved in
counseling and psychotherapy in the areas of
interpersonal relations, sexual dysfunction,
and eating disorders. He received his
doctorate from Ball State University and has
recently trained with such notables as
Masters & Johnson and Dr. Joseph
LoPiccollo. He is interested in helping
individuals create more productive self
concepts and in teaching people how to work
through roadblocks in relationships.
Being honest about your thoughts and
feelings is an integral part of personal growl
By honestly revealing who you arc, you alq
yourself with others in a way which allows
trust and communication to develop. This i
seem like a difficult task at first, but as
individuals around you recognize your
integrity and reflect it, a sense of well-being
develops which leads to peace and joyfulne
Truth, beauty, and love are all related qualit
of the human experience and contribute gre
to quality of life.
Being honest does not necessarily mean
telling intimate things about yourself to peo
at cocktail parties. It does mean revealing
yourself to people that you want to be close
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR
YOURSELF
People often blame others for their
unhappiness or their failure to be as product
as they would like to be in life. This puts a
terrible burden on the person assigned the
blame or responsibility. It also leaves the
individual who blames others for his or her
plight with a sense of hopelessness and
helplessness.
Often I have heard persons say somethin
like "If only my spouse or lover were differ
I would be happy." This statement is not or
untrue, but it also implies that in order for 01
to be happy, other people have to change, i
you may have noticed, getting other people
change is no easy task.
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