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Gay Fatherhood:^ Special Reason to Celebrate
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HecheUe
When I was asked to do this article about being a gay
father, I wasn't sure how honest of me it would be to do it
I am certainly a gay father, but in Mechelle's early years,
my role was that of "friend" rather than father; her step
father was filling that role beautifully.
Her mother, Laura, and I met at a gay party in the 60's ir
Memphis. Laura was not gay but "sensitive" as they say.
It was not easy being gay in Memphis at that time, so we Dik and Mechelle Holland
decided to move to the West Coast With the upbringing
that Laura and I both had, we could not travel to California and begin a new life as an unmarried
couple, so we decided to marry. We thought we were in love, but it was actually love between
friends.
The foundation for our marriage was not exactly firm, so it only lasted about one year, but
thank God for the marriage because I now have my wonderful Mechelle.
When Mechelle was about fourteen and while spending a weekend with me, she came across
some "gay literature" in my closet Bless her heart She said nothing to me. Thank God Laura
had the knowledge and sensitivity to explain everything to her in such a way that I never lost the
respect or love of my daughter.
Mechelle did not have an easy childhood and I am amazed at how "together" she is and always
has been. I am sure that most of that comes from Laura. In our relationship, Mechelle has always
been the adult and I have been the child.
Mechelle is now twenty-seven and lives in Memphis with her husband, Ron, and my five
beautiful grandchildren. Her entire family, including my ex-wife, Laura, loves Patrick, my lover
of nine years. Do you know how good that feels?
I was talking with Mechelle during the run of "Different" and told ha - 1 was going to send her a
video of the show, but I didn't guess the children should watch it. We both wondered aloud when
I should come out to the grandchildren. Mechelle, wise one that she is, said, "Daddy, I’ll tell them
when I think they need to know."
On this Father’s Day, let me shout how lucky I am to have Mechelle, Ron, Erin, Keith, Sarah,
Rachel, Alex, Laura and my dear Patrick in my life.
-Dik Holland
Dik Holland has appeared in the productions of "For Love andFor Life," "Different," and most
recently, "Higher Ground.Voices of AIDS."
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Raising Liza:
A Family
Success Story
Father’s Day is the perfect opportunity to reflect
on the importance of our family unit Many people
assume that parenting is not in the realm of
experience for gay people but thousands of gay
dads and lesbian moms, and often, as in our case,
the partners who co-parent with them, will attest
otherwise.
When she was only nine, Liza learned her father
was gay. Always close, it did not come between
the two until her parents divorced when she was
twelve. But circumstances brought us back
together again as a family. Our reunion was not
easy; Liza's mother had done quite a homophobic
brainwashing number but fortunately, Liza
remembered the loving father with whom she had
been so close. With the promise of a return ticket
to her mother if she wanted it, Liza came to live
with us.
The turbulent teenage years were a challenge.
There were the usual arguments and concerns
about dating, curfews, school, drugs, and the rest.
Amazingly, the fact that the parenting was being
done by two men was not an issue. We were her
parents and mutual love and respect were the
guidelines to a successful relationship. When
Liza went off to college we seemed to get even
closer. The physical separation seemed to
emphasize how deeply we cared about each other.
Several years ago, at a Gay Parenting
conference in Chicago, I attended a workshop for
co-parents. One of the people there asked what
was the reward for all the work parenting entailed.
After all, he pointed out, you go through all the
grief and anxiety and then they leave. I answered
that the whole point, all of the satisfaction, was
that you got to see a real person emerge; the
leaving is the reward. But truly, parents and
children never really "leave" each other. We will
have a special bond for all time.
Luis Ferrer and
Jonathan Benov
Liza, Luis and Johnathan
PHOTO 8Y RHONDA MENSEN
Love aCzvays, Dad
Ruth is eleven and David is nine. They
have been hostages in a foreign land for almost
a year but they are not as famous as Terry
Waite or Terry Anderson. Although they are
in the Middle East, they are not being held by a
traditional adversary of the United States.
They disappeared from their New Jersey
home last June. By the end of August I found
that they were in Israel Almost immediately I
was served with a court order prohibiting me
from coming into physical contact with or
seeing my children. It also prohibited my
removing them from the country. At the same
time I received 27 pages of legal
documentation in Hebrew detailing the petition
by my former wife to the Israeli court
Parental abduction by a foreign national is
not uncommon. I have found that there are
over 4,000 children being held hostage-just
like Ruth and
David. What
makes this case
different is that
none of us is an
Israeli; we are all
Americans. Our
divorce (both civil
and religious) took
place in Florida and
was final During
the civil
proceedings, both
my wife and I were
represented by
counsel and present
at all times. Every
issue to be considered by the Israeli court had
already been decided by the court in Honda
with jurisdiction.
Last September I returned to court in
Horida where my former wife was found in
willful contempt and I was awarded primary
residential care, custody and control of the
children. But this was just a paper victory.
At an estimated cost of about $100,0001
have not been able to afford to fight a legal
battle from so far away. I considered
kidnapping the children myself but I
recognized that such a traumatic experience
would not be in their best interests. Instead, I
started to write letters. I wrote to Members of
Congress; the State and Justice Departments;
subcommittees on human rights and child
abduction; American and Israeli Ambassadors
and Consuls; a member of the Israeli
parliament; the Israeli Ministry of the Interior,
Justice Department and Bar Association;
human rights, gay rights and other parent and
child advocacy groups in both countries. I
even wrote to Mr. Reagan.
With the exception of the Lesbian Rights
Project in San Francisco, I got no practical
help; just polite and sympathetic responses. I
discovered that without thousands of dollars
up-front I could not gel and was not entitled
to, legal representation. I discovered thai
while my government decries human rights
violations by the Soviets, they were unwilling
to do anything about the human rights of my
children-their citizens.
In February a final hearing was held in
Tel Aviv. I filed a petition on my own behalf
objecting to
their attempt to
assume
jurisdiction. I
was not able to
be present and
was not
represented. I
have not heard
the results.
It is a small
consolation, but
I know that my
children know
me and love me
and are not
being
physically mistreated. I write to them every
other week and believe that they are getting
my letters. I haven't had any replies but have
managed to talk to them three times in the
last year. My greatest joy was in May when
they called me to wish me a happy birthday
and informed me that they now had a
telephone.
This Fathers' Day I will look at their pictures
as I do every day and will call them. It will be
my Fathers' Day present to us all. A bitter
wife, homophobic lawyers, judges and "expert
witnesses" and an impotent U.S. government
will never be able to diminish my love for my
children.
- Paul Burman
Ruth, Paul and David Burman
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