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Health and Healing
The gay and lesbian community is challenged to find and improve ways of maintaining our
health and healing our hearts and our bodies. This column will offer insights and advice by
various writers with a rantge of viewpoints and expertise. To submit an article or request a
topic, contact Franklin Abbott in care of Southern \bice, P.0. Box 54719, Atlanta, GA 30308.
Reflections on Relationships
Woridng in my office this week, I heard the lyrics of a country music song playing quietly
on my radio: "If it don't come easy, you better let it go. When it don't come easy, there's just no
natural flow. Don't make it hard on your heart-just let it alone."
Upon hearing those words, I knew that I had the beginning of my article for Southern Voice.
The lyrics set off a flow of memories and thoughts-both personal and professional-on the
subject of loving. I knew also that those lyrics, so typical of love songs, supplied an almost
certain prescription for failure in love.
For a long while, I believed that feelings,
chemistry or some other mysterious force
brought about success or failure in
relationships. It took the experience of
psychotherapy and the passage of many
years to move toward a new perspective.
This new perspective is entirely different
from the country music message. I have
found that loving can be, and usually must
be, learned. Success in relationships is like
success in school, in career, in parenting. It
requires information and skills, study and
practice. Successful loving, I discovered,
requires effort.
For many couples, this effort occurs on a
trial-and-error basis and is hardly conscious.
Separation often results. For those who
make it, some can articulate what they have learned and others cannot "Making it" may mean
happiness in loving or it may mean only survival together.
I consider myself fortunate, at the age of 47, to have acquired a level of consciousness about
relationships. This has come about through experience and observation, through my own
individual and couples counseling, through academic study and through professional
experience as a psychotherapist My present perspective on the components of a successful
relationship is very different from my view of 20 years past.
And what do I see now that is worth sharing? I see now that learning to love involves a
fundamental shift in perspective: a shift from pretending that I do not fully exist to
acknowledging that I do. From the beginnings of chronic conflict to the final stages of
separation or mutual resignation, a relationship in trouble is characterized by attitudes of
passivity and blame. Each partner views the other as both demon and saviour. Each partner
focuses on how the other is destroying the relationship. Each partner waits, passively and
resentfully, for the other to make it right Looked at closely, this scenario reveals a relationship
of ghosts, a painful dynamic between two persons who are enacting a drama of impotence and
blame.
I also see now that it is possible to address this drama through a central change in focus. It is
possible to move away from passivity, blame and waiting. It is possible to move toward
initiative, self-reflection and action. Initiative which admits that I do fully exist and that I do
make a difference. Self-reflection which is honest and accepts responsibility. Action which
contains respect for myself and my partner. Such a shift in perspective involves powerful
change: a departure from waiting-for-love and a step toward seeking-to-love.
For many of us, this change from resentful child to responsible adult can be difficult and the
temptation to slip into passivity and blame can be strong. Old habits and patterns must be
handled with patience, patience toward oneself and patience toward one's partner. Support can
be extremely useful during this initial transition, support from a caring friend or support from a
skillful counselor. A key to selecting an effective helper is that he or she does not encourage
patterns of invisibility and blame.
The fiction of invisibility also involves the issue of impact When we act our invisibility and
impotence, we pretend that our behaviors-both verbal and non-verbal-do not fully exist. We
behave in ways that do damage and then we deny the results. How often we say "I don't know
why you're upset" or "I didn't mean anything." In doing so, we pretend that our actions have no
impact In reality, of course, every word we speak and every behavior we manifest has an
effect and makes a difference in our world.
We also reverse our denial of impact in pretending that others have no effect on us. This can
be called denial of vulnerability and is another form of pretending invisibility. We feel scared
and deny it we feel angry and deny it we feel loving and deny it Is there any wonder-as we
pretend that we have no effect on others and they have none on us-that we come to believe we
are invisible and therefore helpless? Is there any wonder that we become estranged from, and
resentful toward, our partners and our larger human environment?
According to the country music lyrics, a relationship is easy or it is not worth pursuing. I
have personally seen no close relationships which could be called consistently easy. I do not
think anyone has found happiness by letting all relationships go. I cannot, therefore, agree with
the song. My own message is that intimacy can be learned and that attitudes and skills for a
successful partnership are available to those who desire them. There is, of course, more
involved in a successful relationship than I have mentioned here. There is information and
there are practical skills which encourage a deeper and richer union. I have found, however,
that a shift of focus provides the framework for learning to love. Once this is accomplished, the
possibilities of loving become visible.
- Diane Dickson
Diane Dickson is a psychotherapist with Community Counseling Center in Atlanta. She
provides individual and couples counseling as well as vocational development.
Emory Policy Protects Gays & Lesbians
Emory University issued a policy
statement to cover discriminatory harassment
against gays and lesbians after its Board of
Trustees rejected a proposal to add sexual
orientation to the University's Equal
Opportunity Statement
Both proposals were initiated by the
Emory Lesbian/Gay Organization (ELGO)
and supported by Emory's president James T.
Laney.
Lyn Stoesen, president of ELGO, said the
board refused to change the Equal
Opportunity Statement because it is in line
with federal law and no such change has been
made by any Southern U.S. university.
"I wish it was an Equal Opportunity
Statement That seems more permanent and
powerful than this does, but it is a victory
toward what we want ultimately - university
wide protection," Stoesen said.
Stoesen said ELGO began a drive for the
change in April of 1987 when the group was
asked not to attend a Student Government
Association (SGA) activities fair for high
school seniors, although ELGO is a SGA-
charted organization.
"There was a prevailing feeling that
something needed to be done. The SGA was
pretty uneducated on this (lesbian/gay) issue.
They thought high school seniors would be
bothered by it," she said.
The policy states that "harassment of any
person or group of persons on the basis of
race, color, national origin, religion, sex,
sexual orientation, age, handicap, or veteran's
status is a form of discrimination specifically
prohibited in the Emory University
community."
Violations in the policy will result in
disciplinary action "up to and including
permanent exclusion from the University," it
states.
According to Stoesen, ELGO will not
presently take further action to amend
Emory's Equal Opportunity Statement "I
don't thing there's anything we can do right
now," she said.
-Wendy Morse
Marquis Walker To Be Honored At
AALGA Awards Dinner
The African-American Lesbian Gay
Alliance (AALGA) will honor Marquis
Walker, a founder of the organization, who
died Oct 30,1987 due to complications from
AIDS, with a memorial humanitarian awards
dinner.
Along with Carolyn Mobley, Walker led
the group through its organizational struggles
and built the foundations upon which
AALGA has grown.
In addition, Walker served as the first
Person With AIDS (PWA) on the AID
Atlanta Board of Directors. At that time, he
said, "I hope that my active involvement will
inspire other P WA's to become more
involved When I'm speaking to various
groups I tiy to present the image of a happy,
healthy, black gay male."
Upon resigning from AID Atlanta's Board
Walker founded Lifeboat, a group devoted to
serving people of color with AIDS through
fundraising and other practical assistance.
Walker's achievements are commemorated
at Spellman College, where a financial aid
foundation exists in his name. He served as
an administrator there for 12 years. Walker
graduated from Morehouse College with a
B.A. in Political Science in 1973.
The dinner, to be held October 30, will be
a fundraiser for AALGA to celebrate the
achievements of Walker and recognize the
contributions of its members as well as the
community at large.
FIRST ANNUAL MARQUIS
WALKER MEMORIAL
Humanitarian Awards
Dinner/Fundraiser
$20.00 Per Person. Tickets are available
at Charis Books.
Sunday, October 30,1988
5:00 p.m.
Paschals (830 MLK Dr., SW)
Attire: formal, costume, or optional
For more information, call 691-5921 or
289-8815.
ANNOUNCING A CLASS
AT THE MIDTOWN YWCA
YOUR WORLD AND MINE
LESBIAN AND HETEROSEXUAL
DIALOGUE
A series of structured conversations between lesbian and hetero
sexual women. An opportunity for dialogue in which both groups
can begin to communicate with the hope of creating greater aware
ness and a broader community for all women.
Dates: Mondays, October 17 - November 14
Time: 6.30 pm - 7:45 pm
Fee: Members: $20
Nonmembers: $25
Facilitators: The series will be co-led by a lesbian and a hetero
sexual woman.
FOR MORE INFORMATION CALL THE MIDTOWN YWCA AT 692-3476