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No Pendleton Jacket Required
My first coming out act was in 1959. I was 17; my mother was
hysterical. I didn’t have a date for my Senior Prom, and worse, it
didn't even bother me. Among her more creative ideas was for my
father to rent a tux and take me.
Then there was my first lover. We had a wonderful three
months until she found out the awful truth—I had never heard the
word LESBIAN'. She was gone the next day.
Someone mentioned bars. Off I went, a legal 21 who on a good
day looked almost 15. It was dark, smoky, noisy and filled with
women whose favorite entertainment was throwing their friends
against the wall. A very large woman smelling of well-oiled
leather escorted me to the street saying "They'll just eat you up in
there, honey."
I looked around and spotted some very attractive women. I
studied them closely and found out their secret. They all wore
Pendleton jackets. That mystery solved I headed for the store only
to find that Pendleton definitely did not design their jackets for my
traditionally female container.
Almost 30 years later, in accordance with the precepts of a
cosmic sense of humor, my lesbian door flew open while handling
some other of life's issues.
It was now 1987 and I came out into a shining new world.
There were gay people everywhere. Organizations of every
description, entertainment, newspapers, radio shows, TV network.
My first visit to MCC-Knoxville overwhelmed me with a
totally new feeling. It took me a couple of days to identify it; for
the first time in my life I felt safe. For several months after that
experience, whenever I was anywhere I felt safe I started to
cry-grieving for all those years of never belonging, of never
feeling safe.
Coming out for me has been a time of tremendous growth.. It
has brought into my life a sense of real family. Coming out to my
straight friends has been continuous affirmation and acceptance.
-Elena Rutter
Living Life As One Wishes
1 have been asked, as a man of 70, to mention my
experiences in coming out. I believe that this act, an
amazing combination of confession, defiance, daring
and trust, is these days almost necessary for young
gays and lesbians. Depending on the degree of
sophistication in one's social milieu, the act can result
in new feelings of freedom, ease, and mental and
emotional health.
A revealing letter to my aunt resulted from my own
experience of the same weekend. She had raised me
from the age of eight, after my mother died. We had
lived in a social climate where most people never
expressed intimate emotions. But I admired and loved
her dearly, so along with information about my love
and sex life, I wrote all the tender feelings I had for
her. She responded very positively, saying she was
very happy to know that she "didn’t make too many
mistakes" in bringing me up. She also said something
that both puzzled and bemused me; Tm glad that I
don't have to guess about your men friends any more."
Puzzled because I didn't know which friends she
referred to (after all, I had some close non-sexual
friends).
I also came out in a letter to a young, very
heterosexual friend, an architect He responded that he
regretted not having me mention, when we were living
in the same place, what he'd already surmised. He said
he felt that I didn't want to talk about homosexuality
during that time, and this restricted the conversation! .
Old age means that one has lived much of one's life
in a climate of caution and concealment, and the
Closet is likely to be second nature to you. But also,
sex has likely diminished in importance, and the
platonic ideal becomes ascendant Living a gay life
has lost its gleam, if it ever had one. One's lifestyle
may become very original; many values are no longer
cogent. One lives as one wishes. If people want to
draw conclusions, let them; it no longer matters.
Perhaps these considerations, and others, now make
additional acts of coming out seem somehow
unimportant to me.
-W.S.
Coming Out In Twos
In comedy, timing is everything. So it is with coming out Usually the moment has to seem
"right" before one of us is willing to take the risk of coming out to anyone. We know the
repercussions of coming out to someone go far beyond the individual we come out to. Now
imagine someone else coming out for you. Frightening, isn't it?!
This is one of the issues couples face in the coming out process. It is infrequent for two
people to reach that magic "right" moment so they can take the next step together. Our lives
don't work that tandemly. But make no mistake, couples do come out together! It is virtually
impossible not to. If you have a committed relationship, it will be evident over time to anyone
you choose to share your lives with. People will eventually figure it out anyway. The only real
question is, will you acknowledge it? If you don't, you send a signal that you do not value your
relationship as much as they value theirs. If you are consistent in this, you can’t help but
internalize these feelings in the relationship and the relationship itself will be threatened.
As a couple you are forced to come out in a million small ways. If you own property
together, there are issues of insurance beneficiaries, wills, joint bills, etc., that you deal with
every day. After time, nothing is mine or his; it is all ours. This even slips into the conversation
when you are out buying furniture. Do you like this color? Will we be happy with this style?
It is so natural for us to discuss things this way that I am sure we do it openly with most sales
people.
We've been together fifteen years and over that time have pretty much come out to everyone
close to us. My family was told by an anonymous phone call when Bob and I first got together.
I was still living at home at the time and my parents' first reaction was to kick me out of the
house and to blame Bob totally. My mother even tried to run him over with her car! Bob
forced me to go back home and deal with the situation. It took a long time but slowly my
family has learned to accept both me and us as a couple. Bob’s family was a little different
The very first time we visited his mother, she put us in the same bed even though there was an
extra one right next to it! When we left and got home, we found a note wishing us a happy new
year.
The only place we are not really out is in our jobs. We both have good jobs that we like and
haven't felt the need to take our relationship into the work environment with us. We do,
however, call each other almost daily, and neither of us takes the "date" to company functions
any more. Bob has been in his job for fourteen years and over time I have met most of his co
workers and I'm sure several of them know but it has never been confirmed. I am in a fairly
new job and don't know all the people very well yet My company includes sexual orientation
in the EEO statement but I haven't tested it... yet!
With the exception of our jobs, coming out is not something we even think about any more.
We are a couple, period. We live our lives that way and expect to be treated as such. Our
experience has been that if you just live the way you want, most other people will eventually
accept it. 1 think it is also one of the secrets of staying a couple. When you continually
reinforce the relationship, it can't help but get stronger.
By the way, my mother freely admits to trying to run Bob over with her car, but this year to
try to make it up to him she invited him to spend Thanksgiving with my family as her guest.
Her progress has been slow, but steady. Rich and Bob
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Dear Susan:
Mom got out of the asylum
today. One of my sisters is
pregnant after her first date. The
other is making pornographic
sculptures and seeing a Hell's
Angel insect photographer. And.
they think crazy because I'm
gay. God, I love these visits.
Love,
INDEPENDENCE
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