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1990
10 Resolutions for the
(or)
What to do ’til the
Millennium Comes
by Candace Wiggins
Yes, I have lots of people writing in, asking me: "What is this New
Age stuff? Do I have to believe in the healing power of crystals, or can
I rest assured that Extraterrestrials have the answer? And what about
psychic phenomenon? Is it a thing of the past or can just anybody
channel Judy Holliday while whistling ’Dixie 1 these days?"
Friends, your problems are almost over. The New Age was actually
a term coined in the 1940s. After that last World War, I’d say we needed
something new - and no, New Age is not the Atomic Age.
New Age is the Old Way (my personal opinion) with a lemon twist
for the 90s. It’s the alternative to traditional methods that haven't
worked for the last few hundred years or so. And since the Reaganites
seized control, dears, we have needed one huge facelift for our psyches.
One that won't take up too much time and one that refuses to take up
too much money.
You say La-zar-is. I say Laz-aris: let's call the whole thing off and do
the cha cha chakras as we teeter on the edge of the Gay Nineties.
Here are 10 Things to Do or Not to Do as we slouch towards the
Millennium.
1. Clothing and accessories. Refuse to wear anything that does not
have some type of attribute or some form of power to it. Besides
crystals on silver or gold chains let's think crystals on cotton or leather
thongs. Or crystals on cat o' nine tails! How about crystals on Mace
cans for you folks that have to go about on foot and/or alone? "Good
for reducing stress and tension." SOLD!
2. Reading materials. Read only good things and smile, smile, smile.
Studies show folks get depressed from reading or watching "bad" news
in the early mornings. You'll be ignorant but who needs to know what
the U.S. is doing in Panama? If you stand up straight what you smile,
you'll probably get lots of compliments, too.
3. Alternative Beliefs. Hey - it worked for Jesus, it'll work for you!
Other metaphysical philosophers include: Martin Luther (the German,
not the King), Buddha, Jim Bakker, and me. Start boning up on
women's spirituality, Eastern philosophy, Pyramid Power, Shamanism,
and neo-Paganism. Get acquainted with the New Catholic Church. Join
a kibbutz. Read Greek mythology and native American legends. Be
totally confounded, but very well-educated as to the matter of your soul
- as well as everyone else's. Boggle the government's mind with your
articulate arguments for the separation of church and state. And
remember to smile when they call you a devil-worshipper.
4. Meditation visualization. A.K.A., Bliss on a pillow - and I don't
mean late night Errol Flynn movies. With just a tiny bit of self
discipline - everyone's got a tiny bit -1 mean, Noriega did turn himself
in - and with a fairly developed sense of place or color recall, you can
dream up your very own Heaven on earth by Focussing. You want it,
you see it, you got it!. Michael Jackson is very good at meditation
visualization techniques, but personally I think the camel is a bit
greedy.
5. Channeling and Prophecy. (Excuse me, but if John Lennon really
is being channelled I want to see Yoko Ono have an interview with his
host.) Need a few answers to some questions your therapist can't quite
handle, due to their apocryphal nature? You need to hear one of these
folks. They're relatively inexpensive, they have cookies and
refreshments for you, and they speak in bizarre accents, when
channelling not of this world, or country, or region. Can't quite get into
channeling because you don't want to talk to King Arthur? That's fine,
too. Just remember: Smile and don't make fun just because you have all
the answers. -
6. Involvement with a TVue Cause. Okay, okay, waiting for the White
Light Starship to carry the Chosen away is asking for more than a
stretch of the imagination - it's more like asking if your believability
quota is made out of Spandex! Being involved with a True Cause
means going to the meetings even if no one else goes. It means being
happy to tell someone what you're doing even if she doesn't understand
why you hate her fur coat but care for her. It means realizing that no
one cares about the homeless guy that lives at the bus stop and
deciding to Do Something. It means writing your congressman, your
rep, your prez and saying, "I don't like this. Change it, or kiss your
office goodbye next election." Sometimes it means going to court So
be it
7. Psychic Readers. They're not for everyone but then you can't make
a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Or can you? HI have to check my Book
of Shadows and see if you actually can. A psychic reader is someone
who tells you about yourself, your past, your future, your problems, the
direction your life needs to go in - we all need a psychic reader. Think
of the trouble Zsa Zsa would've been spared had she consulted a
psychic reader. "Good for emotional and mental balance." SIGN ME
UP!
8. Tarot Readers. Considered Old Age - or is it Middle Age? Maybe
it’s Old HaL Similar to psychic readers, only you get to participate. And
you get to look at pretty pictures on the cards. There are lots of Tarot
decks now with lots of symbolic meanings and interpretations. But
besides being fun, they attempt to answer that same old, same old:
"What about me?" Considered an ancient divination tool of Egypt
and/or India, these cards are shrouded in secrecy - like the deficit.
9. Diet and Nutrition for the New Age. Did you know there's a group
who claims to live only on air, using correct breathing techniques? I am
NOT making this up. Saves time and money. I just hope they don't
drown when they drive by McDonald's with the windows down. You
have to be healthy now. In this day and age with all kinds of Dow
chemicals hanging out with us, you should cut back on all your bad
habits. C'mon, Mom was right! Vegetables and juice and get plenty of
rest You'll live longer, you'll feel better, you'll look better. Stay out of
the tanning salons.
10. Psychology and Self-help. Now, Back to that White Light Star
Ship. A good New Age Resolution for the Nineties would be to show
everyone - including those you consider loonies - a little consideration.
Respect. Some leeway. If they've got beliefs or opinions you don't
share say so, but try not to go on and on about how "wrong" the other
person is. Rather than look askance at all this, rather than call out the
Karma Kops on self or others - give up! That's right Just give up all
that negative stuff.
Yep, give up your time, give up your opinions, in some cases give
up your money. Occasionally, give up your Self and turn excess into
something positive by giving it to someone who needs something' you
have - that guy at the bus stop, the PWA, the abused child, the battered
woman.
That is what I would call an affirmation. And that's what will help
make the 90's gay, folks.
8/Southern Voice • January 4,1990