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Holiday Queries
We are proud to introduce three of many new columnists dedicated to
giving our readers timely advice on a plethora of enigmatic questions
without the constraints of billable hours. We have assembled experts from a
variety of fields ignoring all expense—literally.
This week we will hear from Dr. Shirley Complain, an eminent parapsycholo
gist, Eartha Treefriend, professor of environmental studies, and Celia Lloyd, noted
film critic and historian.
OK, the names are fictitious, the answers tinged with humor, but the advice is
sound. We welcome your requests for information in these and other areas.
Dear Dr. Complain:
With Thanksgiving nearing, / am already beginning to feel the pressures mounting.
What can / do to keep my Thanksgiving happy and politically correct?
Confused in Chamblee
Dear Confused One:
Thanksgiving is a difficult day for many of us: vegetarians, Native Americans and
turkeys to name but a few. The increased expectations of the holiday season, the hours
of preparation and the biting winds which lead to chapped lips all combine to create
tension on this supposed peaceful day. Yet, it doesn't have to be this way. I have assem
bled four alternatives that will virtually insure that your Thanksgiving, and other holi
days, will pass easily and happily. .
•Ignore it. Most of retail America does anyway. The end of Halloween signals the
onset of Christmas. Why go through three 'display' changes in less than a month?
When the orange and black come down, the green and red go up. So set your alarm, go
into work and be surprised when there’s no one else around. You'll probably be very
productive. Reward yourself with a long lunch and sneak out fifteen minutes early. You
deserve it.
•Do not spend the day alone. Take a cue from our pilgrim ancestors. Invite yourself
over to a neighbor's house. Impose your customs and rituals. Steal their agricultural
secrets. Say a long-winded prayer to a foreign god until the food gets cold. Complain
to others how crude they seem. Kill them.
•When carving the bird, ask politely if guests would "like some white meat or meat
of color."
•Visit a foreign country. Exchange the stress of the holiday for the hassle of cus
toms. Give up indigestion for dysentery. Trade off turkey for haggis—if you don't
know what haggis is, be thankful. And finally, escape Aunt Edna and her rambling
monologues for the chance to sit next to some perfect stranger who spends most of the
seven hour plane flight hitting on the flight attendants.
In short, I urge you to understand that you have the ability to make your own holi
day. Don't let it control you. Realize some of the choices that you have and exercise
them. Thanksgiving is a day of rest and rejuvenation. Make sure it stays that way
because it's just the beginning.
Shirley
DearM. Treefriend:
I seem to accumulate huge amounts of trash at my holiday parties. Help, please!
Dirty in Decatur
Dear Trash Hound:
Easy! Just do what your mother always told you—cut the paper plate crap and serve
your guests on real china. Use cloth napkins. Skip the styrofoam egg nog cups and go
for real mugs. Your guests will be impressed at how classy you are. If your parties have
a cast of thousands—and the maid has quit—use plates and napkins of unbleached
recyclable paper and reusable plastic , silver—in a nice pattern of course. This saves
trees and keeps dioxins and other horrible pollutants out of the environment.
Also, avoid plastic bottles—buy your beverages in glass. And set up a recycle box
for all those bottles and cans. Save any leftover party food and get creative—cheese
balls and celery sticks make a great omelette. Show your friends what a trend-setter
you are and soon they'll be doing the same. Now, if you do all this and still have trashy
parties, check the guest list, honey.
Eartha
Dear Celia:
A number of my friends and relatives are obsessive couch potatoes and video-
philes. Any holiday gift suggestions? And none of "those" types of videos, please!
Fred
Dear Fred:
There are indeed a number of legal, appropriate, and enriching videos suitable for
friends, significant others, or even parents.
Of what's available, perhaps the best is 1989's Oscar winning documentary
"Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt." The film undertakes the awesome task of
both tracing the history of AIDS and capturing the epidemic's toll on the most intimate
level through an unflinching account of five who have died and the loved ones who
survived them.
The most remarkable thing about "Common Threads" lies in its ability to take the
viewer on a roller-coaster ride of raw, gut-wrenching emotions without cheap theatrics
or manipulation. Staggering, uncomfortable truths abound: narrator Dustin Hoffman
correctly notes that it took the death of Rock Hudson to capture America's attention; a
gay man tells a congressional committee that he doesn't want to die of red tape. Tiny
details sear the memory: the apparent glibness of Bryant Gumbel as he reports on the
spread of AIDS and his seeming overemphasis of the "homo" in homosexual; the
mother of a hemophiliac ponders the memorial quilt and succinctly mourns, "too much
love gone... too much tragedy;" and was Ronald Reagan uninformed or truly indiffer
ent? Not only does "Common Threads" belong under the Christmas tree, it should be
required viewing for the whole world.
Two other titles to keep in mind are "Lesbian Tongues" a candid, free ranging exam
ination of some of the issues of lesbianism, and "Gay Voices, Gay Legends," an up
close and personal look at some (in)famous gay personalities. I found all these at Back
Alley Video.
Celia Lloyd
Typesetting
for the rest of us.
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Southern Voice/November 22, 1990
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