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by David Salyer
For forty years, television has served
as the nation's babysitter, giving us a
video vision of the world. In the begin
ning, most everything on the tube was
tight, neat, organized and digestible. We
realize now that the flickering images and
contrived talk often provided the fodder
that formed our popular culture. Today
television remains a mirror of our frayed episode. For the
national personality, but lesbians and gay '90s, writers have
men rarely cast any reflection in the vast already penned a
wasteland. queasy number of
There has been only a sprinkling of "oh my God, he has
queer characters on TV since the 70s. AIDS!" scripts. Mr.
There was Jodie Dallas, portrayed by and Ms. Average
Billy Crystal on ABC's "Soap." Viewer will no
Originally, Jodie wanted a sex change doubt, at least sub
operation so he could marry and/or settle consciously, con-
down with a closeted quarterback. But he elude that coming
changed his mind and eventually became out inevitably leads
a chronic bisexual, even managing to to full blown AIDS,
father a child. "Soap" was, after all, a While TV's het-
farce. erosexuals continue
One real soap, "Dynasty," gave us TV's bed-hopping to beat
most infamous homosexual, Steven the band, its homo-
Carrington. Poor Steven. His father killed sexuals remain con-
his first lover and his second died in the spicuously sexless. Thus it's only fair and
legendary Moldavian wedding massacre, natural to imagine which popular TV
Steven, incidentally, also became a chron- characters were or were not queer, sexual-
ic bisexual, even managing to father a ly active or not.
child. "Dynasty" was, after all, a farce. Don those deviant thinking caps and
TV lesbians? One turned up as a doctor use some imagination; Memory Lane can
on the short-lived "Heartbeat" series a few be a festive place,
years back. And in the mid-eighties, a les- Obviously, TV's first lesbian was Mrs.
bian psychiatrist popped up briefly in Pine Trumball, the widowed upstairs neighbor
Valley on "All My Children." Neither on "I Love Lucy." Mrs. T's secret love for
lasted long enough to become bisexuals, Lucy is the only rational explanation for
but a myth was bom: all women doctors her willingness to babysit irksome Little
are lesbian. Rickey.
TV gays and lesbians are often no The first gay man had to be "Bachelor
more than angst-ridden, two-legged Father.” On this series, John Forsythe was
issues. Or plot devices. Practically every supposed to be a swinging single who
sitcom of the last two decades has done a ends up saddled with the responsibility of
"but you can't be gay; you're my brother!" raising his niece. A swift exit from the
seasons upstaging every robot and alien in
the universe. He was undeniably the first
queen in space. "Bewitched" gave us
Samantha's Uncle Arthur. Surely there's a
lost episode involving the hilarious com
plications that ensue when Uncle Arthur
puts a spell on Darrin that has him react
ing to men like a dog in heat.
Lesbians are just as easy to spot on TV.
closet would've Laveme was one. Shirley wasn't. Most
remedied that situa- people would assume the banker's secre
tion. The niece tary on "The Beverly Hillbillies" was les-
would be shipped bian. Sure, Jane Hathaway was lesbian,
off to the land of So was Elly May. Opposites attract. "Go
has-beens, the for it, Miss Jane" is probably all she need-
series could've been ed to hear.And who could forget the
retitled "Father daughters on "Petticoat Junction"? After
Figure," and Mr. Uncle Joe stopped "movin' kinda slow"
Forsythe would be and just stopped moving, Billie Joe or
free to search for a Bobbie Joe would have turned the Shady
man to call "son." Rest into a lovely bed and breakfast for
How about Sgt. other lesbians.
Joe Friday of What about all those precocious TV
"Dragnet"? Stiffly kids? Which ones would have grown up
portrayed by Jack queer? The Beaver? No. But puppy love
Webb, Friday was explains Wally Cleaver's association with
no glamour cop. that brazenly two-faced Eddie Haskell.
Certainly he loosened up in the bedroom Opie would have grown up gay and been
and probably appreciated bondage and forced to flee North Carolina a fugitive
pierced nipples. Remember his clipped after a failed Jesse Helms assassination
narration on "Dragnet"? Now imagine it attempt. On "The Patty Duke Show,"
as dirty talk. Hot. identical cousin Cathy was lesbian; Patty
What about those guys on "Route 66"? wasn't. This is simple deduction. After
We're told these two set out on U.S. all, the show's theme song bluntly insists a
Highway 66 "in search of America." hot dog makes Patty lose control.
Nonsense. They were looking for San Incidentally, there are no homosexuals
Francisco, but had no sense of direction, among the Brady kids. They aren't even
The blonde half of this duo even turned up anatomically correct under their clothing,
on "Adam-12" as a patrolman. Serious car Nor would Buffy, Jody or Cissy from
fetish. And don't forget "Bonanza." How "Family Affair" be queer. But these make
do young men earn nicknames like Hoss excellent names for pets,
and Little Joe unless they've been sized up And speaking of pets, Flipper was gay.
by more men than Lome Greene. Definitely. He knew where the boys are.
Stereotypically gay characters abound.
On "Lost in Space," Dr. Smith spent three
COUNTERCULTURE
COOL MEDIUM
Searching for Queers in
the Vast Wasteland
Lesbians are easy to spot on TV. Laveme was one. Shirley wasn't.
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