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VIEWPOINTS
Homoi
rille, GA
Notes from a GWM who lives
where the City meets the South
by A1 Cotton
My Rowdy Girls
We all have our stories. We use them
to explain how we got to where we are
—the hurdles, the challenges, the deci
sions and non-decisions, the mistakes
—everything that combines to create us as
we are right now. In one sense, we are the
sum of our stories.
One of my stories, then, is the fact that
for nine months, I was a battered spouse. I
was in a relationship that was emotionally
abusive from the start, and turned physical
during its last three months. One
December night, I went to bed wondering
if I would ever leave my apartment again.
One reason I am still here is the
Council for Battered Women. My boss
called them and asked if they had some
one who would talk to a gay man who
needed help; then she convinced me to
call.
I spoke to Jane, who told me that this
was one of the few times when being gay
was an advantage. There was no legally
recognized relationship, and I was the
only one on the lease. All I had to do was
take the first step, call the police, have
him thrown out. I did, but I let him back in
less than an hour later. And I paid for it.
A month later, after a burnt meal, I
called again. This time 1 got Pepe, who
also didn’t flinch when I explained my sit
uation. "I'll help you file your legal
papers. Have you had pictures taken of
your bruises?" she asked. No, that was last
week, I said. I told her what Jane said and
she said, "Go for it." I changed the locks,
and, with the help of a Scorpio friend (nat
urally), this time it stuck. He moved out
the next day.
Before all this happened to me, I had
heard women speak of their shame, their
denial, their anxiety over personal safety,
but it was always someone else's story.
Now that it's mine, all of their words res
onate very clearly with me. Sometimes I
still ask myself old questions: Where
should I park my car when I go out?
Should I read that newspaper article about
a woman who was killed by her ex-?
When the phone rings at work at a time
when he used to call, should I ask some
one else to answer it? Once you’ve learned
to defend your feelings, it's a hard habit to
break.
Old memories can ambush you, too. 1
remember an episode of Designing
Women that he and I actually watched
together just before the end. Charlene
helps a college chum, a fellow "Rowdy
Girl," escape her abusive husband. The
episode climaxed with the Designing
Women in Supremes drag singing "Ain't
No Mountain High Enough" (Suzanne in
blackface, no less), while one Rowdy Girl
comes to the rescue of another. About a
month after he moved out, I rediscovered
this episode at the end of a videotape, hid
ing and waiting for me like a little chunk
of karma.
So should I really be telling this story?
Won't he get angry—maybe even come
after me again? Why risk it?
Because in battered relationships as
with AIDS, Silence = Death. I tell my
story because it’s mine to tell. He can't
have it.
Because abused lesbians and gay men
stay in horrible situations because they
think they have no alternatives. Maybe
now some of them will know differently.
Because I must speak out in tribute to
the people who pulled me through—Beth,
Fran, my parents, Jim, John, Kerry,
Michael, Bobby, Mike, Jeffery, Melvin,
Dorothy, Tom, Linda, Dan, Uri, Jimmy,
Peter, Buddy, my co-workers, the
Panthers. They are my "Rowdy Girls."
And because these stories need to be
told. People need to hear things like the
report I heard on "All Things Considered"
last year. It said that patterns are common
in the childhood lives of abusers—they
come from alcoholic households, had abu
sive parents, etc.—but that no patterns can
be found among those who have been bat
tered. They are simply people who were
unlucky enough to have fallen in love
with a batterer.
I will admit to being scared about
going public. But the best way to redeem
a horrible experience is to tell your story. 1
will accept the risks in order to send this
message to anyone who loves someone
with an unhealed anger; You don't have to
take responsibility for their shit. And if
you can summon the courage to ask for
help, you will find the miracle of someone
reaching back. Action = Life.
The following are excerpts from copies of
readers' letters to Cracker Barrel
Mr. Dan Evins
Cracker Barrel
P.O. Box 787
Lebanon, TN 37007
Dear Mr. Evins,
.. .Experts say that gays only make up
about ten percent of the American popula
tion. That may be so, but every Gay per
son I know has got a mama and a daddy
and brothers and sisters and cousins and
not one of them would even think about
eating in a restaurant that doesn't welcome
one of their kin. You claim to support
family values. Well, Southerners have the
tightest family units anywhere and they
don't cotton to having kin folks thrown
out....
Michael Phillips
Dear Mr. Evins:
...As part of your "customer base," I
support the right of every American to
decide for him (or her) self how to live his
private life, and for the right to find and
keep employment based upon his abilities
and talents to do the job required. I cannot
and will not support any company whose
written and/or practiced policy is to dis
criminate against their employees for such
frivolous reasons as yours....
Thomas S. Woodward
Dear Mr. Evins,
Due to your persecution of those differ
ent from you, as described in both the
Atlanta JournallConstitution and
Southern Voice, I shall quit patronizing
your establishments....
Hider would have been proud of you.
Ms. Mary Davidson
Dear Mr. Evins:
If you will recall the news coverage of
the Persian Gulf over the past seven
months, our leaders have been touting our
fight for democracy in the area. We have
held ourselves up to the world as a model
of how democracy is supposed to work.
I've always been taught that democracy
was based on equality and fairness. In
light of your recent employment discrimi
nation towards gay men and lesbians, I say
you are about as far from democracy as is
Hussein. Your actions taint and scar this
lofty idea....
Rick G. Bray
Dear Mr. Evins:
As a former employment manager of a
Fortune 500 company here in Atlanta, I
find your intentional dismissal of employ
ees simply because they are gay as one of
he most reprehensible acts of "corporate
terrorism" I can recall....
Ken Mabry
Mr. Ron Phillips
Cracker Barrel Restaurant
6175 McDonough Dr.
Norcross, GA 30093
Dear Mr. Phillips:
...lam reminded of the Southern joke
which ends with the punch line, "Oops!
You shouldn't 'a said that!" Well, Mr.
Phillips, you shouldn't have said that.
Please rest assured that my partner and I
will spread the word about this horrible
injustice and we will encourage the gay
and lesbian community to support the
fired employees by boycotting your stores
and restaurants. I would also like to
encourage you and your superiors to edu
cate yourselves on the rights and lifestyles
of others, as you are obviously sorely mis
guided and uneducated in these areas.
L.A. Kezh
BELETHME. vS7^»e/<£5 -AS
NAKiCV SC vaster ujquUC haws THEM
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Southern Voice/April 11, 1991