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SOUTHERN VOICE NOVEMBER17/1994
Surviving the nightmare before Christmas
Therapists offer tips
on avoiding the
holiday blues
by JAMES FITCH
The holidays are upon us—times of
peace, joy, goodwill, and happy families
caught up in the magic of Christmas. For
many, however, such media-blasted visions
of sugarplums and glazed hams can seem
more like haunting delusions.
“Family relationships aren’t typically the
way that they’re portrayed in the media, so
everyone winds up thinking, ‘What’s wrong
with me? I don’t have this warm holiday
feeling,”’ says licensed psychologist Brenda
Hawkins.
“Crass commercialism—the move to
ward conspicuous consumerism—puts a lot
of expectations on connection, relationships,
family, and an emphasis on inappropriate
giving of things,” adds psychotherapist and
addiction counselor Dave MacDonald.
“There’s a lot of pressure on people around
the holidays to perform, look pretty, and
dress right”
The layers of factors that can compound
to make the holiday season a particularly
bleak one are different for everyone. For
gay and lesbian people, however, several
factors often linger to make things a little
worse: covering up the perpetual “room
mate,” abandoning family of choice for fam
ily of origin, dealing with a recent breakup,
and so on. Not to mention the nagging ques
tion, “Why aren’t you married yet?”
While it’s up to each individual to find
ways to cope and survive, there are some
sound and commonly recommended prac
tices to keep in mind for emotional health
throughout the holiday season.
“Some of [the depression around holi
days] is probably biological rather than sim
ply social,” says clinical psychologist Gus
Kaufman Jr. “All of us are affected by the
cold weather and the shorter daylight, as
human beings have been ever since the be
ginning.”
In recent years, behavioral scientists have
identified a condition called Seasonal Af
fective Disorder, a kind of depression pro
duced by lack of exposure to daylight, which
also goes by the apropos acronym SAD.
“For some people, if they find them
selves getting depressed, it may be worth
trying to get more exposure to daylight or to
daylight-simulating lighting,” Kaufman
says. ‘There are special light bulbs that have
all the light frequencies of daylight. These
can significantly lift depression for some
people.”
On the other hand, various pressures ex
ist for gay/lesbian people on the sociocul
tural level. Situations that people can avoid
the rest of the year—such as awkward en
counters between family members and sig
nificant others—are suddenly in their faces
for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanuk-
kah. And with much of the community frag
mented during these holidays, support sys
tems can be weak.
‘The pain of the external and internal
homophobia is very stressful,” Kaufman
says. “It’s a time when many people start
saying ‘This year I’ve got to come out to
my family.’ Just considering that and play
ing out those scenarios is very anxiety-pro
ducing.”
The holidays may also bring on depres
sion through bad memories or traumatic
flashbacks, Hawkins says. “Suppose you lost
someone—a death, or maybe a lover leaves
you—and here’s all of this information about
how everyone’s together and happy, and
you’re alone and you’re missing this per
son.”
The trappings of Christmas are often re
sponsible for triggering such flashbacks. The
smells of baked goods or pine trees, or the
sight of decorations can take a person back
to a traumatic experience or memory stored
in the subconscious.
“At times in that kind of a situation,
you’re having a flashback in public, right
inside a store,” Hawkins says. ‘That can be
very difficult to deal with. I’ve talked to
people who have had a loss and they’ve just
kind of tucked it away back in their minds.
Suddenly they’ll see something around the
holiday, like in a grocery store, that will
bring all of this up and they’ll start to cry
right there.”
Gays and lesbians also often find them
selves haunted by a case of what Hawkins
calls “the shoulds.” This occurs when people
spend the holidays with family because they
think they should, not because they want to.
According to Hawkins, you shouldn’t.
“You don’t want to buy into that,” she
says. “Life is too short. Ultimately, you’re
the one who’s living your life, so you need
to make the holidays meaningful for you,
not for somebody else. You don’t have to
go home to your family of origin.”
Being gay often causes a separation from
typical family traditions. Those who are in
the closet, for example, most likely find it
CONTINUES ON PAGE 16
Dr. Gus Kaufman (standing, with partner
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