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ATLANTA BARB-Page 7
Recently Rev. John Gill,
Pastor Metropolitan Com
munity Church, gave a se
ries of sermons on bibli
cal characters, including
' ‘Moses And His Moun
tains, Christ and His
Cross,” concluding with
“Paul And His Parch
ment.” The reason behind
this is that people often
become so involved in acts
describing the Bible, that
they forget about the per
son. The following is an
edited version of his ser
mon entitled “Paul And
His Parchment”
Reverend Saul Paul
Independent Missionary
Corinth, Greece
Dear Brother Paul:
We recently received an
application from you for
service under our board.
It is (Kir policy to be as
frank and open-minded as
possible with all our ap
plicants . We have made
an exhaustive study of your
case. To be plain, we are
surprised that you have
been able to pass as a
bonafide missionary.
We are told that you
are afflicted with severe
eye trouble. Our board re
quires 20/20 vision.
At Antioch, we learn that
you opposed Dr. Simon
Peter, and esteemed de
nominational secre
tary and actually rebuked
him publically. You stir
red up so much trouble
at Antioch that a special
board meeting had to be
convened in Jerusalem. We
cannot condone such ac
tions. Do you think it seem
ly for a missionary to do
part time secular work?
We hear that you are
making tents on the side.
In a letter to the, church
at Phillipi you admitted
that they were the only
church supporting you. We
wonder why!
Furthermore, you have
not graduated from our
seminary, and you know
that we cannot have our
mission board represent
ed by someone who is not
a graduate from a recog
nized university. We can
not recognize the three
years you spent in Dam-
acus and Arabia because
the schools are unknown.
Our. board does not re
cognize private tutors such
as you claim you have had.
You made so much trou
ble for the good business
men at Ephesus that they
still refer to you as “the
man who turned the world
upside down?” Sensatio
nalism, in missions, is un
called for. We also deplore
the lurid “over-the-wall
in-a-basket episode” at
Damascus.
We are apalled at your
obvious lack of concilia
tory behavior. Diplomatic
men are not stoned and
dragged out of the city gate
or assaulted by furious
mobs. You admit that while
you were serving time
at Rome, “all forsook
you.” Good men are not
left friendless. Have you
ever suspected that gent
ler worlds might gain you
more friends? I enclose
a copy of Daius Car negus’
latest bode, ‘ ‘How To Win
Jews and Influence Greeks.’
In one of your letters,
you refer to yourself as
“Paul the aged.” Our new
mission policies do not en
vision a surplus of super
annuated recipients.
We learn that you are a
snake handler. At Malta,
you picked up a poison-
serpent. It is said that
you were bitten, but it cau
sed you no harm. Tsk
Tsk. . . .Tsk. . . .
Many letters have been
written to churches you
have formerly pastored.
In one of the letters you
accused a good church
member of living with his
father’s wife, and you there
by caused the whole church
to feel, badly, and the poor
fellow was even expelled.
You have spent to much
time talking about the “Se
cond Coming of Christ.”
Your letters to the people
of Thessalonica were al
most entirely to this theme.
Put first things first from
now on. Your ministry has
been too flighty to be suc-
cessiul. First at Asia
Minor , then Macedonia,
Greece, then Italy, and
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now you are talking about
a wild goose chase to Spain.
Concentration is more im-i
portant than dissipation of
one’s powers. You cannot
win the whole world by
yourself. You are just one
Paul.
Another episode we do
not like is that forced diet
you placed upon a.ll those
soldiers and the ship’s
crew. You called it a fast,
but you should know that
doctors say that total ab
stinence from food is very
harmful to the human body.
In a recent sermon, you
said “God forbid that I
should glory in anything
save the cross of the Lord
Jesus Christ.’” It seems
to us .that you also ought
to glory in our heritage,
our denominational pro
gram, the unified budget,
and the World Federation
of Churches. Your ser
mons are too long at times.
At one place you talked
until after midnight.
A young man was so sleepy
he fell out of a third floor
window. He was taken up
as aead but you
were to reported to have
restored mm to life by
falling on him and embra
cing him. Mercy! Do you
really expect us to believe
that? We want practical
men. You should have cal
led a physician, had a ri
gid physical examination
conducted, and not been so
inhuman. “Stand up, speak
up, and shut up” is our
theme.
Dr. Luke reports that you
are a thin little man, bald,
frequently sick, always so
agitated over your chur
ches that you sleep poorly.
He also reports that you
parade around the house
praying half the night. A
healthy mind in a robust
body is our ideal for all
applicants. A good nights
sleep will give you zest,
a zip, that you wake up
full of zing.
We find it best to send
only married men into for
eign service. We deplore
your policy of persistent
celibacy. Simon Magnus
has set up a matrimonial
bureau at Samaria where
the names of some very
fine widows are available.
You wrote recently Ti
mothy that you ‘ ‘have fought
a good fight.” Fighting
is hardly a recommendat
ion for a missionary. No
fight is a good fight. Jesus
came not UT bring a sword,
but peace. You boast that
“I fought wild beasts at
Ephesus.” What on earth
do you mean by that?
It hurts me to tell you
this brother Paul, but in all
my twenty-five years of
experience, I have never
met a man so opposite to
the requirements of our
Foreign Mission Board. If
we were to accept you,
. it would break every rule
of our modern missionary
practices.
APPLICATION REJECTED
Most Sincerely yours,
J. Falvius Fluffyhead
Secretary to the Board
YOU SAVE 500 IF YOU SEND IN YOUR
SUBSCRIPTION BEFORE APRIL 15, 1974
SO MAIL THIS COUPOUNT TODAY WITH
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ATLANTA BARB.
P. O. BOX 82543
ATLANTA, GA. 30354
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