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The Southern Israelite
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Scanning the Jewish Horizon
By DAVII) SCHWARTZ
DON’T PASSOVER THIS
It’s time to tell my favorite Pass-
over story. Credit story to Philip
Wattenberg, Zionist, philanthropist,
humorist and the only Galician Jew,
who boasts of the fact—that I know.
A Jew was arrested on a petty lar
ceny charge and was arraigned be
fore a Jewish judge in the Bronx.
“Is this your first offense?” asked
the Judge.
“No,” replied the Jew.
“Have you ever stolen anything be
fore?” thundered the Judge.
“The Afikomen,” replied the Jew
ish prisoner.
HALT! WHO GOES?
Of course, if I wanted to, I could
tell the story also about the Jewish
soldier who was standing guard.
A Jewish soldier approached.
“Who goes there?” hallooed the
Jewish guard.
“Private Cohen.”
“Give the Password,” continued the
guard.
“Matzoth,” replied the soldier.
"Passover”, said the guard.
As I say, I could tell this story, if
I wanted to, but I won’t do it. It’s
whiskers reach the floor.
BROUN TO WRITE JEWISH
HISTORY
To talk about more serious things,
1 see that Heywood Broun, famous
columnist, and George Britt, noted
newspaperman, are collaborating on
a history of the Jews.
Of late, we have been having a
surfeit of Jewish histories. Lewis
Browne did it with “Stranger Than
Fiction” and I)r. Sacher of the Hillel
Foundation has just come out with
another. I believe also Israel Gold
berg or Rufus Learsi has recently
done one.
Nevertheless, I am rather curious
about this proposed tome—it being
the first in recent times to be done
by writers who are not Jews.
Once upon a time, the writer of
these lines was employed on a Wash
ington newspaper. The editor where
of was a non-Jew and this editor
made it an invariable rule to send
Jewish reporters to cover Protestant
or Catholic assignments, and Protest
ant or Catholic reporters to cover
Jewish assignments.
Result was—I soon became more
acquainted with things Christian than
most of the Christian members of the
staff.
And perhaps the reports, too, were
better—the man on the inside often
wants perspective.
BROUN TELLS ONE
I see, by the way, that Broun re
cently in his column, related the story
of the beggar who accosted a man and
solicited a contribution of a dollar.
“You’re a fool to go around asking
people for a dollar,” said the man,
but I’ll give you a quarter. Here it
is.”
The beggar flipped the coin into his
pocket and replied: “I’ll take the
quarter, but don’t you try and teach
me my business.”
This story as Broun says, is apocry
phal, I first heard it told of the Roths
childs, years ago.
STOP ME, IF YOU’VE HEARD l T
I hope Mr. Broun violates the cus
tomary rules and spices his historv
with some good jokes.
Here’s one that I think he can
to advantage. Credit the story t
Harry Simonhoff, member of F.xecu
tive Committee of Zionist Organiza
tion, former member of the South
Carolina legislature, etc. etc.
An international conference wa«
convened in London to discuss the
albatross.
The Englishman read a paper on the
locale and abode of the albatross. Th*
German presented a discourse on the
characteristics of the albatross, the
Frenchman followed with a paper or
the albatross in poetry.
The Jew next arose: “I want to
speak today on the albatross and its
relation to the Jewish problem.”
ALMOST PERSUADED
Then Broun might use the story
they tell of the great American law-
yer, Rufus Choate. It is said that
at one time some Jewish lawyer wa-
associated with Choate in a law sui*
When the case was over, the tw
lawyers got together, facing the prob
lem of how much to charge the;*
client—or rather, how much he wouM
stand for.
The Jewish lawyer suggested a cer
tain amount.
Choate suggested an amount in et
cess of that sum.
Finally, Choate’s opinion prevail?
and the client was billed for that sum
And sure enough, he paid without pro
test.
“Almost thou persuadest me to b?
a Christian,” remarked the Jewish
lawyer in Shakespearean fashion to
Choate.
SCOTCHMAN AND JEW
Then Mr. Broun, what about the
one, Mr. Tuttle told the other night
at the banquet to Herman Bernstein
A Scotchman, a Jew, and represen
tatives of other groups were at a d:r.
ner in a fas’ ionable and expensive
eatery.
The waiter presented the bill for the
party, and everybody wa9 worried as
to who w r ould foot it.
Suddenly, the Scotchman was hear '
to say: “I’ll take the bill, gentlemen,
please let me have the bill.
’he Scotchman paid.
* T ext day, the New York Times car
1 a big story headlined: Scotchman
ys Jewish ventriloquist!
FANNIE AND HAM
lere, I see, by the papers that Fan-
Brice is featured in an adverti
nt endorsing Armours Ham. * °
t proves something and I hope. * ■
jun will include a large number
h items—and there are plenty •
book. The presentation of
ssion Play by Morris Gest
isentation of Ben Hur by - r
here are any number of su
esting miscellany that cou
;ten together.
JEFFERSON AND FRAN
[ came across a very ..
m the other day in reading an ^
terican book—the reminisc ^
umbull, an artist who was a -
—Washington ««