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MISCELLANY.
i, om the London .V tic Monthly Magazine.
INSURANCE AND ASSURANCE.
Bemstrdine.— l have been drinking hard all
•; ;r.t, and will have more time to prepare me,
<i;■ thev shall beat out my brains wdh billets.
1 will not consent to die this day that s certain.
Duke.— Oh, Sir, you must: and therefore l
beseech you look forward on the journey you
shall j o. A . ,
Bernardine. —I sivear I will not die to-day
for any man’s persuasion.
Measure for Measure.
“ [t is inconceivable to the virtuous
ant! praiseworthy of the world,
who have been born anti bred to res
pectable idleness, what terrible straits
are the lot of those scandalous rogues
whom Fortune has left to shift for
themselves!” Such was my feeliug
ejaculation when, full of penitence for
the sin of necessity, 1 wended my way
to the attorney who had swept togeth
er, and, for the most part, picked up
the crumbs which fell from my father s
t; hfc. He was a little grizzled sar
donic animal, with features which
were as hard as his heart, and fitted
their leather-jacket so tightly that one
would have thought it had shrunk
from washing, or that they had bought
it second-hand and were pretty nearly
out at tlie elbows. They were com
pletely emblematic of their possessor
whose religion it was to make the most
of every thing, and, among the rest, of
the distresses of his particular friends,
amongst whom I had the happiness
of standing very forward. My busi
ness required but little explanation,
for I was oppressed neither by rent
rolls nor title deeds ; and we sat down
to consider the readiest means of turn
ing an excellent income for one year
into something decent for a tew more.
My adviser, whose small experienced
eve had twinkled through all the spe
culations of the age, and, at the same
time, had taken a very exact admeas
urement of my capabilities of turning
them to advantage, seemed to be of
opinion that l was fit for nothing on
earth. For one undertaking L wanted
application : for another I wanted ca
pital. “ Now,” said he “as the first
of these deficienccs is irremediable,
\xf must do what we ran to supply
the latter. Take my advice, —insure
your life fora few thousands ; you will
have but little premium to pay, for you
look as if you would live for ever ;
amlirom my knowledge of your rattle
pated habits and the various chances
against you, I will give you a hand
some sum for the insurance.” Ne
cessity obliged me to acquiesce in the
proposal,and 1 assured the old cormo
rant that there was every likelihood
of my requiting his liberality by the
most”unremitting perseverance in all
the evil habits which had procured me
his countenance. M e shook hands in
mutual ill-opinion, and he obligingly
volunteered to accompany inetoan in
surance office, where they were suppo
sed to estimate the duration of a man’s
life to a quarter of an hour and odd
seconds.
We arrived a little before the busi
ness hour, and were shown into a large
room, where we found several more
spectators waiting ruefully for the
oracle to pronounce sentence. In the
centre was a large table, round which,
at equal distances, were placed cer
tain little lumps of money, which my
friend told me were to reward the la
bors of the inquisition, amongst whom
the surplus arising from absentees
would likewise be divided. From the
keenness with which each individul
dared upon his share and ogled that ot
his absent neighbor, I surmised that
some of my fellow-sufferers would
find the day against them. They
would be examined by eyes capable ot
penetrating every crevice ot their
constitutions, by noses which couW
smell a rat a mile oft’, and hunt a guin
ea breast high. How indeed could
plague or pestilence, gout or glutto
iiv, expect to lurk in its hole undis
turbed, when surrounded by a pack ot
terriers which seemed hungry enough
to devour one another ? henevtr
the door slammed, and they looked lor
.in addition to their fry, they seemed
for all the world as though they were
going to bark ; and if a straggler really
entered and seized upon hi 9 moiety,
the intelligent look ot vexation was
precisely like that of a dog who has
lost a bone. When ten or a dozen of
these centrv had assembled, the labors
O t/
of the day* commenced.
Most of our adventurers for raising
supplies upon their natural lives, were
afflicted with a natural conceit that
they W'ere by no means circumscribed
in foundation for such a project. In
vain did the Board endeavor to per-
GEORGIA MESSENGER.
MACOW, ‘) WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8,182 b.
suade them that they were half dead
already. They fought ha,d f & |
few more years, swort that their
fathers had been almost immortal, and
their whole families had been as tena
cious of life as eels themselves. Alas !
thev were first ordered into an adjoin
ing room, which I soot learnt was the
condemned cell, and then delicately
informed that the establishment could
have nothing to say to them. Some
indeed had the good'luck to be repriev
ed a little longer, but even these did
not effect a very flattering or advan
tageous bargain. One old gentleman
had a large premium to pay for a tot
ter in his knees ; another for an extra
ordinary circumference in his girth ;
and a dowager of high respectability,
who was afflicted with certain undue
proportions of width, was fined most
exhorbitantly. The only customer that
met with any thing like satisfaction
was a gigantic man of Ireland, with
whom Death, I thought, was likely to
have a puzzling contest.
“ How old are you, Sir ?” enquired
an examiner.
“ Forty.”
“ You *seein a strong man.”
* I am the strongest man iu Ire
land.”
“ But subject to the g>ut ?”
No.-—The rheumatism. —Nothing
else upon my soul.
\\ hat age was your father when
he died r”
“ Oh, he died young ; but then he
was killed in a row.”
“ Have you any uncles alive?”
“No: they were killed in rows
too.”
“ Pray, Sir, do you think of return
ing to Ireland ?”
May be I shall, some day or oth
er.”
“ What security can we have that
you arc not killed in a row yourself r”
“Oil never fear / 1 am the sweetest
temper iu the world, barring when 1
am dining out, which is not often.”
“ W hat, £ir you can drink a little ?”
“Three bottles with ease.”
“ Ay, that is bad. You have a red
face and look apoplectic. Vou will no
doubt go oft suddenly.”
Devil a bit. My red face was
born with me ; and I’ll lay abet I live
longer than any two in the room.”
“ But three bottles •
* Never you mind that. I don't
mean to drink more than a bottle and
a half in future. Besides, I intend to
get married, il l can, and live snug.”
A debate arose among the directors
respecting this gentleman’s eligibility.
The words “ row” and “ three bottles”
ran, hurry scurry, round the table. —
Every dog had a snap at them. At
last, however, the leader of the pack
addressed him in a demurring growl,
and agreed that, upon his paying a
slight additional premium for his irre
gufarities, he should be admitted as a
fit subject.
It was now my turn to exhibit; but
as my friend was handing me forward,
my progress was arrested by the en
trance of a young lady with an elderly
inaid-servant, felie wa9 dressed in a
slight mourning, was the most spark
ling beauty I had ever seen, and ap
peared to produce an instantaneous
eftect, even upon the stony-hearted
directors themselves. The chairman
politely requested her to take a seat
at the table, and immediately entered
into her business, which seemed little
more than to show herself and be enti
tled to twenty thousand pounds, for
w hich her late husband had insured his
life.
“ Zounds,” thought I, “ twenty thou
sand pounds and a widow !”
“ Ah, Madam,” observed the chair
man, “your husband made too good a
bargain with us. 1 told him he was an
elderly, sickly sort of a man, and not
likely to last; but I never thought he
would have died so soon after his mar
riage.”
An elderly sickly sort of a man !
She would marry again, ot course! 1
was ou fire to be examined before her,
and let her hear a favorable report of
me. As luck woulti have it, she had
some further transaction which requir
ed certain papers to be seat for, and,
in the pause I stepped boldly forward.
“ Gentlemen,” said my lawyer, w ith
a smile w hich w hitened the tip of his
nose, and very nearly sent it through
the external teguments, “ allow me to
introduce Mr. , a particular friend
of mine, w ho is desirous of insuring his
life. You perceive he is not one of
your dying sort.”
1 he* doctors turned their eye 9 to
wards me with evident satisfaction,
and I had the vanity to believe the
widow did so too.
“ You have a good broad chest,” said
one. “ I daresay your lungs are nev
er affected.”
“Good shoulders too,” said another.
Not likely to be knocked down in a
row.”
* Strong in the legs, and not debili
tated by dissipation,” cried a third.—
5 f ‘ I think this gentleman will suit us.’
I could perceive, that, during these
I compliments and a few others,the witl
• ovv was very much inclined to titter,
i which I considered as much as a flirta
tion commenced ; and when I wasor
• dered into another room to be further
; examined bv the surgeon in atten
, dance, I longed to tell her to stop till
i I came back. The professional gen
tleman did his utmost to find a flaw in
me, but was obliged to write a certifi
cate, with which I re-entered, and had
the satisfaction of hearing the chair
man read that I was warranted sound.
The Board congratulated me some
what jocosely, and the widow laughed
outright. Uur affairs were settled ex
actly at the same moment, and I fol
lowed her closely down stairs.
‘ What mad trick are you at now ?’
enquired the cormorant.
4 I aui going to hand that lady to her
carriage,” 1 responded ; and I kept
my word. She bowed to me with
much courtesy, laughed again, and de
sired her servant to drive home.
“ Where is that, John ?” said I.
“ Number , Sir, in street,”
said Juliu ; and away they went.
We walked steadily along, the bird
of prey reckoning up the advantages
of his bargain with me, and I in a
mood of equally interesting reflec
tion.
“ What are you pondering [about,
young gentleman ?” he at last com
menced.
“ I am pondering whether or no you
havejnot overreached yourself in this
transaction.”
“ How so ?”
“ Why, 1 begin to think I shall be
obliged to give up my harum scaiutn
way of life; drink moderately, leave
off fox hunting, and sell my spirited
horses, which, you know, will make a
material difference in the probable date
of my demise.”
“ But where is the necessity for
your doing all this?”
“ Mv wife will, most likely, make it
a stipulation.”
“ Your wife/”
“ Yes. That pretty, disconsolate
widow we have just parted from. You
may laugh ; but, if you choose to bet
the insurance which you have bought
of me against the purchase money, 1
will stake you that she makes me a se
date married mao in lest than two
months.”
‘ nne!’ said cormoratt, his fea
tures again straining their buckskins
at the idea of having made a double
profit of me. * Let us go to my house
and I will draw a deed to that eftect,
gratis?
I did not flinch from the agreement.
My case, I knew, was desperate. I
should have hanged myself a month j
before had it not been for the Epsom
Haces, at which l had particular busi
ness ; and any little additional reason
for disgust to the world, would, 1 tho’t
be rather a pleasure than a pain—pro
vided 1 was disappointed in the lovely
widow.
Modesty is a sad bugbear upon for
tune —I have known many who have
not been oppressed by it remain in the
shade, but 1 have never known one who
emerged with it into prosperity. In
my own cate it was by no means a
family disease nor had I lived in any
way by which I was likely to contract
it. Accordingly, on the following
day, I caught myself very coolly
knocking at the widow’s door; and so
entirely had I been occupied in con
sidering the various blessings which
would accrue to both of us from our
union, that 1 wasValf way up stairs
before I began to think of an excuse
for my intrusion. The drawing room
was vacant, and I wts left for a mo
ment to wonder whither I was not
actually in some temple of the Loves
and Graces. There vas not a thing to
be seen which did not breathe with
tenderness. The ceiling displayed a
little heaven of sportive Cupids, the
carpet a wilderness of turtle d oveß *"**
The pictures were a serits of the loves
of Jupitor, the vases presented nothing
but heartsease and love-lits-bleeding ;
the very Canary birds were inspired,
and had a nest with two young ones;
and the cat herself looked kindly over
(he budding beatrijel of r toririsVihell
kitten. What a place for a sensitive
heart like mine! 1 could not bear to
look upon the mirrors which reflected
my broad shoulders on eveiy side, like
so many giants ; and would have giv
en the world to apjpear a little pale
and interesting, although it might
have injured my life a dozen years
purchase. Nevertheless, I was not
daunted, and I looked round, for some
thing to talk about, on the beauty’s
usual occupations, which 1 found were
all in a tone with what 1 had before re
marked. Upon the open piano lay
“ Auld Robin Grey,” which had, no
doubt, been sung in allusion to her late
husband. On the table was a half
finished drawing of Apollo, which was
equally, without doubt, meant to apply
to her future one ; and round about
were stiewed the seductive tones of
Moore, Campbell, and Byron. “ This
witch,” thought I, “ is the very crea
ture I have been sighing for! I would
have married her out ot a hedge-way,
and worked upon the roads to main
tain her; but with twenty thousand
pounds—ay, and much more, unless
I am mistaken, she would create a
fever in the frosty Caucasus ! I was in
the most melting mood alive,when the
door opened, and in walked the fas
cinating object of my speculation.—
&he was dressed in simple grey, whol
ly without ornament, and her dark
brown hair was braided demurely
over a forehead which looked as lofty
as her face was lovely. Ihe reception
she gave to me was polite and grace
ful, but tumuwliat distant j and 1 per
ceived that she had either forgotten,
or was determined not to recognize
me. Iw as not quite prepared for this,
and in spite of my constitutional con
fidence, felt not a little embarrassed.
I had, perhaps, mistaken the breakings
forth of a young and buoyant spirit,
under ridiculous circumstances, for
the encouragement of volatile coquet
ry ; and, for a moment, I was in doubt
whether I should not apologize and
pifctcnd that she was not the lady for
whom iny visit was intended. But
then she was ho beautiful! Angels
and ministers ! Nothing on earth could
have sent me down stairs unless 1 had
been kicked down ! ‘ Madam,’ 1 began
—but my blood was in a turmoil, anti
I have never been able to recollect
precisely what i said. Something* it
was, however,about my late father and
her lamented husband, absence anti
the East Indies, liver complaints and
Life Insurance; with compliments,
condolences, pardon, perturbation and
pretei pin-perfect impertinence. The
lady looked surprised, broke my
speech with two or three well bred
ejaculations, and astonished tne very
much by protesting that she had never
heard her husband mention either my
father or his promising little heir-ap
parent, Wm. Henry Thomas, in the
whole course of their union. ‘ Ah, Ma
dam,’ said I, * the omission is extreme
ly natural! lam sure I am not at all
offended with your late husband upon
that score. He was an elderly, sick
ly sort of a man. My father always
told him he could not last, but he nev
er thought he would have died so soon
after his marriage. He had not time
—he had not time, Madam, to make
his friends happy by introducing them
to you.
I believe, upon the whole, I must
have behaved reinaikable well, for the
widow could not quite make up her
mind whether t° credit me or not,
which when we consider the very slen-
der materials I had to work upon, is
saying a great deal. At last I contriv
ed to make the conversation glide
away to Auld Robin Grey and the
drawing of Appollo, which I pronounc
ed to be a chtj-d'oevrt. Permit me,
however, to suggest that, the symme
try of th a figure would not be destroy
ed by a little more of Hercules in the
shoulders, which would make his life
worth a much longer purchase. A. lit
tle more amplitude in the chest too,
and a trifle stronger on the as
they say at the Insurance Office. Ihe
widow looked commicallyatthe recol
lections which I brought to her mind ;
Jjpp rosy lips began to disclose then
treasures in a half smile; and this, in
turn,expanded into a laugh ofEuphro
syne. This was the very thing for me.
I was always rather dashed by beauty
on the stilts ; but put us upon fan
grounds, and I never supposed that I
could be otherwise than charming. I
ran over all the amusing topics of the
day, expended a thousand admirable
jokes, repeated touching passages from
anew poem which she had not read.
fatfghed., th e
kitten, and forget tn go away till I had
sojourned full two hours. Eupnrosjne
quite lost sight of roy questionable in
troduction, and chimed in with a wit
as brilliant as her beauty ; nor did she
put on a single grave look when I vo
lunteered to call the next day and read
the remainder of the poem.
It is impossible to conceive how
carefully l walked home. My head
and heart were full of the widow’ and
the wager, and my life wap more pre
cious than thePigot Diamond. I kept
ray eyesedujously upon the pavement,
to be sore that the cole-holes were do
sed ; and I never once crossed the
street without looking both ways to
calculate the danger of being run over.
When I arrived, I was presented with
a letter from my attorney, giving me
the choice of an enaigncj in a regiment
which was ordered to the West Indies,
or of going missionary to New Zeal
and. I wrote to him, in answer, that
it was perfectly immaterial to me
whether I was cut off by the yellow* fe
ver or devoured by cannibals, but that
I had business which would prevent
me from availing myself of either al
ternative for two months at least.
The next morning found me at the
door of Euphrosyne, who gave me her
lily hand, and received me with the
smile of an old acquaintance. Affairs
went on pretty much the same way as
they did on the preceding day. The
poem was long, her singing exquisite,
my anecdote of New Zealand irresis
tible, and we again forgot ourselves
till it was necessary, in common po
liteness, to ask me to dinner. Here
her sober attire,which for some months
had been a piece of mere gratuitous re
spect, was exchanged for a low eve
ning dress, and tny soul, which was
brimming before, was in an agony to
find room for my increasing transports.
Her spirits were sportive as butterflies
and fluttered over the flowers ot her
imagination with a grace that was
quite miraculous. She ridiculed the
rapidity of our acquaintance, eulogis
ed my modesty till it was well nigh
burnt to a cinder, and every now and
then sharpened her wit by a delicate
recunence to Apollo and the shoul
ders of Hercules.
The third and the fourth and the
filth day, witn twice as many more*
were equally productive of excuses
for calling, and reasons for remaining,
till at last I took upon me to call and
remain without troubling myself about
the one or the other. 1 was received
with progressive cordiality; and, at
last, with a mixture of timidity whicli
assured me of a catastrophe, whicli
was, at once, to decide the question
with the Insurance Office, and deter
mine the course f my travels. One
day I found the Peri sitting rather
pensively at work, and, as usual,! took
my seat opposite to her.
‘ I have been thinking,’ said she,
4 that 1 have been mightily imposed up
on.’
* By whom ?’ I inquired.
“ By one of whom you have the high
est opinion—by yourself.”
4 In what do you mistrust me?’
4 6’ome now will it please you to be
candid, and tell me honestly that all
that exceedingly intelligible story
about your father, and the liver com
plaint, and Heaven knows what, was
a mere fabrication ?’
4 Will it please you to let me thread
that needle, for I see that you are tak
ing aim at the wrong end of it?’
4 Nonsense! Will you answer me ?*
4 1 think l could put the finishing
touch to that sprig. Do you not see r >
I continued, jumping up and leaning
over her. *lt should be done so—and
then so. What stitch do you call
tnat P
The beauty was not altogether in a
mood for joking. I took her hand—it
trembled —and so did mine.
* Wiil you pardon me?’ I whisper
ed. *lam a sinner, a counterfeit, a
poor, swindling, disreputable vagar
bond, —but l love you to my soul.’
The work dropped upon her knee.
******
In about a fortnight from this time I
addressed the following note to my
friend:—
. Dear Sir— It will giv* you great
pleasure to hear that my prospects are
mending, and that you have lost your
wager. As I intend settling the in
surance on my wife, I shall, of course,
think you entitled to the job. Should
your trifling los9 in me oblige you to
become an ensign in the West Indies
or a missionary in New Zealand, you
may rely upon my interest there.
JS’a 12.