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About News & planters' gazette. (Washington, Wilkes County [sic], Ga.) 1840-1844 | View Entire Issue (June 17, 1841)
NEWS & PLANTERS’ GAZETTE. D. O. COTTIMft, J Editor. So. 42.—NEW SERIES.] NEWS & PLANTERS GAZETTE. ions: Published weekly at Three Dollars per annum, if paid at the time of subscribing; or Three Dollars and Fifty Cents, if not paid till the expi ration of six months. No paper to be discontinued, unless at the option of the Editor, without the settlement of all arrearages. IT Letters, on business, must he post paid, to insure attention. No communication shall be publishedunless we arc made acquainted with the name of the author. TO ADVERTISERS. Advertisements, not exceeding one square, first insertion, Seventy-five Cents; and for each sub sequent insertion, Fifty Cents. A reduction will be made of twenty-five per cent, to those who advertise by the year. Advertisements not limited when handed in, will be inserted till for bid, and charged accordingly. Sales of Land and Negroes by Executors, Ad ministrators, and Guardians, are required by law, to be advertised, in a public Gazette, sixty days previous to the day of sale. The sales of Personal Property must be adver tised in like manner , forty days. Notice to Debtors and Creditors of an Estate must be published forty days. Notice that application will be made to the j Court of Ordinary, for leave to sell Land or Ne groes, must be published weekly for four months; notice that application will be made for Letters of Administration, must be published thirty days; and Letters of Dismission, six months. AGENTS. THE FOLLOWING GENTLEMEN WILL FORWARD THE NAMES OF ANY WHO MAY WISH TO SUBSCRIBE : J. T. <)• G. 11. Wooten,!A. D. Sla/.ham,D anburg, Mallorysville, B. F. Talom, Lincoln- Felix G. Edwards, Pe- ton, tersburg, Elbert, O. A. Lacked, Crawford- Gen. Grier, Raytown, ville, Taliaferro, ‘ W. Davenport, Lexkig- James Bell, Powelton, ton, Hancock, .S'. J. Bush, Irwington, Wm. B. Nelms, Elber- Wilkinson, ton, Dr. Cain, Cambridge, John A. Simmons, Go- Abbeville District, shen, Lincoln, South Carolina. Mail Arrangements. POST OFFICE, ) Washington, Ga., January, 1841. $ AUGUSTA MAIL. ARRIVES. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, at <>, A. M. CLOSES- Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, at 12, M. MILLEDGE VILLE MAIL. ARRIVES. Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday, at 8, A. M. CLOSES. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, at 11, A. M. CAROLINA MAIL. ARRIVES. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, at 11, A. M. CLOSES. Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday, at 8, A. M. ATHENS MAIL. ARRIVES. Sunday and Wednesday, at 9, A. M. CLOSES. Sunday and Wednesday, at 9, A. M. ELBERTON MAIL. ARRIVES. CLOSES. Thursday, at 8, P. M. | Thursday, at 8, P. M. LINCOLNTON MAIL. ARRIVES. CLOSES. Friday, at 12, M. | Friday, at 12, M. COTTING & BUTLER, ATTORNIES, HAVE taken an OFFICE over Cozart & Woods Store. March 11,1841. 28 WASHINGTON Female Seminary . The second Term in the Seminary commen ces on the first. Monday in July, and ends on the last Friday in November. The months of June and December, are months of vacation. E. M. BURTON, Secretary. May 37, 1341 3t 39 Caution ! \ LL persons are cautioned against trading for /V any Notes given by me and payable to Lawrence & I’eteet, as the payment of some of said notes will be litigated, and all persons now holding any such Notes are requested to inform me thereof. FRANCIS T. \A ILLIS. June 10,1841. 1- • Votive* ON the first day of September next, will be oll’ered for sale, a Life Interest in the Tract of LAND containing 060 Acres, in Lincoln coun ty, on the Road from Washington to Augusta, between J. Mabry’s and Raysville. One hall ol the purchase money payable next Christmas, and the other half one year thereafter. The sale to take place on the premises. FRANCIS GIDEON. June 10, 1811. eow td 41 IjHJUR months after date application will be made to the Honorable the Inferior Court of Lincoln county, while sitting as a Court of Ordi nary, for leave to sell a Tract of Land, known as the Walton tract, belonging to the Estate of \Vm. Parks, late of said countv, deceased. WILLIAM M. LAMBKIN, Ex’r. June 3, 1841. m4m 40 T7Vl(J‘i months after date, application will be JP ,lfaße to the Honorable the Inferior Court a Wilkes county, while sitting as a Court of Jrdinankfor leave to sell a Negro man by the L name of flaron, and the remaining part of the n personal property of Benedictine Crews, late of [A -aid county, deceased, for the benefit of the heirs Iffy ad creditors. r ‘ ELIZA MANKIN, Adm’x. June 3,1841. witlrtlJb. will annexed. NEW GOODS. rpilE Subscriber has just received from New JL York and Charleston, a splendid assort ment of Fancy fr Staple Dry GOO IIS, ADAPTED TO THE PRESENT SEASON. Also, he lias on hand, anew supply of Hardware, Cutlery, Crockery, Saddles, Bri dles, Shoes, llats, Drugs and Medicines, Bonnets, Factory Yarn & Cloth, And a General Assortment of GOODS usually kept in a Retail Dry Good’s Store —all of which will be sold on reasonable terms for Cash or Credit. A. A. CLEVELAND. May 20,1841. ts 118 Cos nsump lion AND Liver Complaint . DR. TAYLOR’S BALSAM OF LIVERWORT HAS been used successfully for eight years m the cure of these diseases. ID Re member ! the original and genuine is made only at 375 Bowery, N. Y., ALL others are spurious and unauthorized ! Consumption and Liter Complaint !—As a general remedy for these diseases I am fully sat isfied, from long experience, there is no Medi cine equal to Dr. Taylor’s Balsam of Liverwort. Being purely vegetable, it can be used with the utmost safety by all persons in every condition It cleanses the lungs by expectoration, relieves difficult breathing, and seems to heal the chest.. There can be no question, but this medicine is a certain cure for chronic coughs and colds. 1 have used it for four years in my practice, and always with success. A. F. ROGERS, M.D. To Females. —The number of females indeli cate health, is truly surprising. Weakness, loss of appetite, liver complaints, and many other dig j oases, prey upon them, making them pale and i lean oi flesh. All this can be remedied by the I use of strengthening medicine, that will assist j nature in all iter movements, restore tone to the nerves and muscular organs. Os this kind is j Dr. Taylor’s Balsam of Liverwort, which being j mild and purely vegetable, answers females ad- I mirablv. If all will use it, we are confident an elastic step, good appetite, and ruddy cheeks will follow. Once more, remember, the original and genuine is made at 375 Bowery. D” Spitting of Blood. —This disease consists of a discharge of blood, often frothy, from the mouth, brought up with hawking and coughing, and is usuaily accompanied with difficulty of breathing, and some pam in the chest. Some times it is preceded by an oppression of the | chest, a dry tickling cough, and slight shooting pains. This disease is always more or less dan gerous. The great danger is that these symp toms may termi.-.atc in consumption, and imme diate remedies can alone save this end. But Dr. Taylor’s Balsam of Liverwort is a sure remedy, | and to show its unparalleled success, certificates | of cures from 421 citizens, and many physicians, will be published in a few days. D” Nervous Diseases and Weakness. —Dr. Taylor’s Balsam of Liverwort, made at 1175 Bow- I ery, is assuredly an excellent remedy fur these diseases. My wife has been more or less ill for ten years. She was extremely nervous, and at times so weak that she could not attend to her domestic duties. By the use of this medicine, her strength is wliolly restored, and she is as healthy as I can wish her to be. My address is at Dr. Taylor’s office. Cure of Consumption:■ —Mrs. Martin, a worthy member oi my congregation, was taken ill some time since with a cold, pain in the breast, and some difficulty of breathing, and in a lew days thereafter, she had a violent cough and a violent pain in the sides, which no medicine would re lieve. She continued in this way lor a long time, under the medical care of Dr. Rea, but fi nally became consumptive, and was evidently near the end of tier earthly sufferings, when her brother persuaded her to try Dr. Taylor’s Balsam of Liverwort. When she commenced this med icine, it did not S'eem to agree with her for a few days, but by lessening the dose, she found it an swered admirably : it relieved her cough and her difficulty of breathing iustanter ; and we had the pleasure of witnessing her rapid recovery to health. Rev. WILLIAM SMYTHE. D° OBSERVE! Buy only that which is made at the Old Ortice, 375 Bowery, N. Yand which is sold by ROBERT AUSTIN & CO. Wholesale and Retail Druggists, No. 161, Broad-street, Augusta. ID” Sole A gents for Georgia. May 20, 1841 6t 38 Notice* rplIE Subscribers will give twelve cents per A pound for good HIDES, and pay in Leath er and Shoes. They also design supp'ying the Market with Beef, &c. this season. Therefore, persons having Calves or Landis for sale, can find a market, by giving them a call. MOSELEY & ELLINGTON. May 6, 1841. 36 THE Subscribers having had their Books and most of their Accounts consumed by the late Fire, would respecttully solicit those indebt ed to call, without delay, and settle either with CASH or by NOTE,” the amount due as near as their memory will serve them. —tor this matter will be left entirely to the Honor of a great many; and we trust no one will be found taking the ad vantage of our situation ; but that all will come forward, like honest men, to our relief. BURTON & PELOT. N. B.—Call at the Bank, on E. M. Burton, for settlement. March 11. ts 98 WASHINGTON, (WILKES COUNTY, GA.,) JUNE 17, ISJI. MISCELLANEOUS. MISERIES OF MR. BROWN. Or, a Dead Set at a Nervous Man. Wherein I spoke of most disastrous chances, Os moving accidents by Hood and field ; Os hair breadth ’scapes, &c.— Shakespeare. The clock struck two, a welcome sound, | for it was the dinner hour. Some people ! dine at five ; let them. lam a man ol ap- i petite, and am sharp-set full three hours sooner. A cool air and a long walk in the forenoon had contributed in fitting me to enjoy the bounties of Providence with par ticular relish. The table already smoked under a load of savoury viands. The fla vour that reeked upwards from a dozen | dishes would have overpowered in genial fragrance all the incense ever snuffed by a Pagan divinity. As I moved by the window my eye was caught by a sign newly erected on the op posite side oftlie street: “ Ready made cof fins for sale here l” Confusion. Was ever a sight so mal-apropos ! To be caught just at the moment of dinner with such a damper to the spirits ! Was the tiling pos sible ? I looked again. It was no allu sion. I ever fancied I could sec the horrid receptacles within the door. A cold shiv ering came over my frame. I rushed to the table, but could not get the direful im age from my mind. I remembered that 1 had a fit of sickness some fifteen years be fore ; “ and what,” thought I, “if I should be sick again !” The idea made me a lit tle qualmish at the first start. I began to eat, but alas! my appetitite had fled—l could not tell how. it was to no purpose that disii after dish was set before me ; my languid palate refused to be excited by all the condiments ofthe cooking art ; spices were no longer stimulating, nor provoca tive. Gan a worse accident happen, the longest day in the year, than to lose one’s dinner ? Think of my vexation, then, to be baulked at the very threshold, and by such a provoking occurrence. I put up with the disappointment as phi losophical!}’us I wasable. “ To-morrow, said I to myself, “ 1 shall get over it, and make amends for lost time.” Never was fond anticipation more cruelly falsified.— The sight of that accursed sign had lost none of its dire potency. I could not eat my dinner ! Just so the next day, and the next. It was a perpetual scarecrow to my affrighted appetite. 1 never could look out j ofthe window without seeing it ; in fact, it j seemed to be stereotyped on my brain.— j This could not be endured long. I began! to grow thin. Horrid ! I was thought of for an alderman not six months before. So I changed my lodgings ; no inconsid erable exertion for “men of mould.” 1 hate to be moving about. “ Make them like unto awheel,” I always regarded as the bitterest curse ever uttered. 1 chose a dif ferent part of the city, and took care never to walk through the street I had quitted.— In a short time I began to pick up. I had not quite recovered my pristine ro tundity, when I was awakened one morning just at daybreak, (I never rise before ten,) by a violent ringing of the door bell. In less than a minute the house-maid burst into the room with “Sir, Dr. Burdock has come to see you.” “ A murrian confound Doctor Burdock,” said I, “ what is the quack after here V” My reply was unattended to by the maid, who instantly popped out and in troduced the Doctor, a cadaverous-looking caitiff, attended by a couple of fellows— young beginners, 1 suppose, in the art of kil ling. “Ah !” exclaimed he, “lucky we found you so quick—called at three houses in this street before we came to the right one, some alteration made in the numbers last week. But I must proceed to work immediately—hope you sent for mo the moment you felt the first symptoms.” My astonishment at this unexpected intrusion prevented me from uttering a word for a few moments, but at length I asked, “ What is your business here ?” “ My dear sir,” he replied, “I cannot stop to describe to you the whole extent of my practice in this city, because you might die in the mean time, you know. How long ago did you swallow the poison ?” “Sir,” said I, “ you are altogether mis taken ; I have swallowed no poison, nor “ Nonsense—it is idle to say that saltpe tre is not poison ; a whole ounce at a time. Terrible burning pain in the stomach, you say. Warm water, girl, immediately.” “ 1 tell you, doctor, you have called at the wrong - -” “Fiddlestick—no matter whether I call it by the wrong name or not; poison is poi son, call it what you will. 1 must apply the stomach-pump immediately. “ Get out of the house, blockhead ; I 11 have none of your infernal machines thrust down my throat. I tell you again, I am not ” “ Ah, what an obstinate old man ! and just on the brink of the grave, perhaps. — Some people will have their way, though they die for it. But we cannot wait.” “ Go to the ” “ Bloss me ! lie begins to rave ! See how his eyes roll. ’Tis the effect of the poison. Quick ! quick ! seize him by the arms—hold his rnouth open. Poor man ! I fear it is all over with him !” My condition was now desperate. I was already in their clutches; but des pair gave mo strength. I lent the doctor a punch in the ribs with all the force I could exert, which threw him over backwards: and in falling, luck PUB LIS HE 1) EVE R Y TIIUR 8D A Y MORN IN ( ily for me, he knocked down one of his as- j sistants. Ere they had a moment’s time to : pick themselves up, I attacked the third, j and pitched him out oftlie room. Then re- [ turning to the two fallen heroes, I succeed- j ed in trundling them through the door-wav on all fours. 1 then clapped the door to, and locked it in an instant. Fora moment I ima gined myself in safety, but presently over heard them speak of fetching a crow-bar and bursting open the door, “to save the poor creature’s life,” as they compassion ately added. Not an instant was to be lost. 1 hurried on a few clothes, stripped the bed j to make a rope-ladder, fastened it to the window, slipped out silently, and glided j into the street. 1 ran through the first nar row lane I came to, without looking behind I ine, scampering up one alley and down a nother, and did not think myself out of'dan ger till 1 was entirely out of breath. What became of l)r. Burdock 1 cannot i say, for 1 felt too great a horror at the dan- j gor 1 had escaped, ever to go near the scone j afterward. I took new lodgings, and began j to recover from the effects oftlie catastrophe. There’s nothing like a sudden fright for ta- j king down a man’s flesh. However, for a long while, 1 could not hear the door-hell ring of a morning without being thrown: into a cold sweat; and if ever the night- [ marc assailed me, it was sure to come in j the shape of a stomach-pump, with a noz- | zle as big as the boiler of a steamboat stick ing fast in my windpipe. After a time I recovered some serenity of mind, and was master of a tolerable appetite. Ah! with what disconsolate regrets did I look back upon the golden days of good eating! when the peaceful calm of my mind resembled an unruffled ocean of turtle soup, and each happy year glided round with as noiseless and undisturbed a uniformity as a fat goose revolves on the spit! One day I was interrupted in the midst ’ of my dinner, I think I iiad not felt so good an appetite for many a month. I had been but an hour and a half at table, and several courses remained to come on. I was told there were persons at the door desiring to speak with me. “ Particularly engaged,” said I. “ But they are come on very urgent ! business, and must be attended to,” said the servant —and I observed a strangely mys terious expression of face with which this was uttered. I hurried to the door, Hardly knowing why. No man in his senses sure ly ever would have left his dinner for sueli j a thing. But let that pass. There was a j fatality about it. At the door 1 was met [ j by four men bearing on their shoulders a j coffin ! I was horror-struck ; all the ter j rifle forebodings and frightful images which I had haunted my imagination from the be ginning returned with tenfold blackness. — My hair rose on end. 1 stood aghast, root ed to the ground, and had no power to move ! “ Are you Mr. Brown ?” asked one of the spectres. “I am,” replied I. (John Brown, good reader, is my unfortunate name.) “ Here is the coffin we have made for you. We have worked upon it with all possible despatch, because we knew you would want it immediately.” “But I have no particular desire to be buried,” said I, trembling, and unable to stand Without leaning against the wall. “ That is neither here nor there,” they replied. “ Our business is to bring it to this place for Mr. Brown, who is to be bu- j ried to-day. Y’ou are the man.” “ But I am not dead, nor likely to die.— I have just eaten a hearty dinner—that is, I have begun to eat it. You surely won’t put me in the .” I could utter no more ; fright absolutely took away the power of speech. “ Why not ?” returned they, with cer tain significant winkings. We are accus tomed to despatch our business and ask no questions.” It was plain now that there was a conspi racy to bury me alive. What could be done ? If I retreated into the house, I could hope for no protection from the inmates, who were doubtless in the plot. How other wise would a coffin have been brought to the door ? There was no resource but to cut and run- 1 pushed through the entry, knocking down two of the conspirators as I sprang out of the door, and took to my heels without a hat. Turning a corner, and loo sing sight of my pursuers, 1 came upon a hack standing in the street, with the door open. 1 sprang in without a moment’s thought, glad ofanv means of escape. The hackman thinking me the person lie had been waiting for, shut the door, mounted the box, and drove on. The fatigue I had suffered in running, threw me iiyo a slumber. At last 1 was a wakened and told I had readied the place. On alighting I found myself in a yard, from which I was conducted into a spacious building, which I took for a tavern. I ima gined myself at some distance from the city, and congratulated myself on mv es cape from it. Unlucky wretch ! I was at that moment in the Massachusetts Gen eral Hospital ! In a few moments I found myself sur rounded by numerous members of the fa culty. “This patient,” said the principal surgeon taking my head between his hands “is afflicted with a paralysis of the lower jaw—be so good as to open your mouth. ’ I shook my head, struggled to get tree, but he held on the faster. “Weshallnow pro ceed to exhibit some electrical experiments upon him, which I am strongly of opinion will he attended with beneficial results; the worst that may happen is, that they may knock out his grinders, and loosen some ol his front teeth.” These horrible words sounded in iny cars like a death-knell. I could not speak j for the scientific operator had distended my ‘■ jaw to the utmost stretch with a wooden j gag which I in vain attempted to force out. j My hands were secured, and 1 was held j fast in my seat by the doctors, who all crow- j ded round me. “It will be such a beauti- j ful experiment,” said they. Was ever any destiny like mine ? Driven half to dis- j traction by ready-made coffins on one day, ] attacked by a stomach-pump on another, j within a hair’s breadth of being buried a- j live on the next, and now the grinders j about to be blown out of my jaws by a j broadside from an electrical battery! “Verily,” thought I, “this is destined to i be the last day of my life; an army of j doctors are upon me, armed with all sorts j lof blood-thirsty weapons. Death or dislo- j 1 cation will most assuredly be my lot.” I ; j grew as pale as a sheet : the perspiration j | stood in large drops upon my face. I be- | | gan to bellow like a hull of Bashan, arid j j struggled and kicked with all vengeance. Nothing seemed likely to avail me, and | the machine approached that was to disable j iny powers of mastication for ever, when 1 all at once the hack oi the chair gave way, j j and a dozen of us were spralling on the floor in an instant. With the quickness of; lighting I sprang to the door, cleared every j I passage to the street, knocking down all 1 that came in my way, and throwing chairs j j and tables behind me to encumber the pas- j sage of my pursuers. On gaining the j street 1 continued running,determined to es cape from the city as quick as possible. I j directed my course towards West Boston ; j bridge, but just as I set my foot upon it, the J draw was hoisted for the passage of a sloop. I turned about and ran to the Western Av enue. 1 had proceeded a quarter of a mile upon it when I was stopped by the sight of a strange looking carriage approaching j me ! It was a hearse! “Then came my fit again!’ 1 could no j more have endured to encounter it, than I could have faced a hungry tiger. Most as suredly, had I approached it, I should have been seized and carried off ; for so my ter rified imagination whispered me. Again I j turned and ran back. After passing ; through several streets, my terror a little j subsided ; I felt a gnawing hunger ; —think of an unfinished dinner and the gallopades ; I had practised ! It was now evening, and 1 I entered a tavern. I ordered a supper, and while it was getting ready attempted, to divert my mind from the harrowing j thoughts that occupied it,by reading the va rious hills with which bar-rooms are gener ally ornamented. But woful attempt! the first that met my eye was a staring sheet, headed with an enormous black coffin, and the title oF‘An Elegy on the death of John Brown, who committed suicide under mental derangement, occasioned by a scolding wife, ect.” In a paroxysm ofhorror and vexa tion, I tore the sheet to atoms, and rushed - into the street. All human things seemed i combined to drive me mad. It was raining j cats and dogs. “I’ll drown myself,” said I, “and make an end to it.” I cannot say I was quite serious in the resolution, but 1 j ran towards the wharf, determined at least | to devise some means of escaping from the city by water. But how idle to struggle against the decree of fate ! Passing thro ugh Broad street, I stumbled into a cellar among a troop of Irishmen who were hold j ing a wake over the dead body of one of j iheir countrymen. I ‘lost my senses by the I fall ; and the paddies having settled the matter that I was kilt, resolved to bury us j both together, in order to save time. I know not how it happened, but when I I came to myself I was scampering off at full 1 speed with the whole troop in pursuit, call ing out to ine to come hack and be buried “decently like a jontleman.” The upshot of it was that l fell into the dock. The Humane Society must tell the rest. I am still alive and have not been burried, though I consider it a downright impossi bility to avoid the catastrophe much longer. I now feel disposed to take the matter into my own hands, and fairly to entomb my self for some short and safe space of time, hoping this may break the spell. Reader, have pity on me. Six months ago l quite filled a capacious easy-chair, and now you might truss me into an eel-skin. The Three Perils of Man have long been noto rious ; but there are two others that might make the number five—A Deputy Sheriff and a Dead Set. ELOQUENCE. That eloquence which is most felt and produces the greatest results, is hold, man ly: and impressive; clear in conception, fervid in expression, energetic, yet dignifi ed in action ; the eloquence, not merely of [ language or manner, but of thought and i feeling. The rounded periods, the beauti j ful imagery, and the graceful delivery of the artificial orator, may please the ear, a muse the fancy, and command the admira- j tion of the hearer ; but they leave no last- : ing mark ; the impression is effaced al- j most as soon as it is made, and the speaker and his subject, are alike soon for- j gotten. lie bursts forth “ like a bright ex- i altatiou in the evening,” and like it lie falls j and is seen no more. Even the splendid rhetoric of Isocrates, made little impression; while amidst a corrupt and fickle people, the hold, impassioned and natural style ol Demosthenes, embodying vigorous thought in the strongest language, disdaining the pursuit of vain ornaments, hut seizing those ; happy illustrations which spontaneously presented themselves to his mind, bore down the subtle sophistry of all who oppo sed him, and the whole host of venal era- 11. .1. KAPPKL, M m r inter. tors, backed by the wealth ad power of: Phillip, trembled and crouched under the! terrors oi’ his voice. THE BIBLE. A nation must be truly blessed, if it were governed by no other laws than tiio.se ot this blessed book ; it is so complete that nothing can be added to or taken from it; it contains every thing needful to be done ; it affords a copy for a king, and a rule for a subject; it gives instructions and counsel Ito a senate ; authority and direction to a magistrate ; it cautions a witness; requires an impartial jury, and furnishes a judge j with his sentence : it sets the husband as ; lord oftlie household, and the wife as mis j tress oftlie table, him how to rule and her how to manage. It entails honor to parents, and enjoins o bedience upon children ; it prescribes ai.-d limits the way of sovereigns, the rule oftlie ruler, and authority ofthe masters; com mands the subjects to honor, and the servant to obey, and promises the protection of its author to all who walk by its rules. It gives directions for weddings and for buri als ; it promises food and raiment, and lim its tile use of both ; it points out a faithful and eternal guardian, to the departing bus. band and father ; tells him with whom to leave his fatherless children, and in whom his widow is to trust, and promises a father to the former and a husband to the latter.— It teaches a man how lie ought to set his house in order, and how to make his will. It defends the right of all and reveals ven ! gcanoo to the defrauder, overrcacher and oppressor. It is the first book and the old- I est book in the world. It contains the clioi- I cest matter, gives the best instruction, and ! affords the greatest pleasure and satisfac tion that ever were revealed. It contains the best laws and profoundest mysteries that ever were penned. It brings the l?st tidings, and affords the best comforts to the enquiring and disconsolate. It exhibits 1 ilb and immortality, and shows the way to everlasting glory. It is a brief recital of all that is to come. It settles all matters in debate, resolves all doubts, and cases the j mind and conscience of all their scruples. ; It reveals the only living and true God, and j shows the way to him, and sets aside ; all other Gods, and describes vanity of them ! and of all that put their trust in them. If I possessed the most valuable things in the world, and were about to will them away, the following w’ould be my plan of distribution. I would will to the w hole world truth and friendship, w hich are very scarce. I would give an additional portion of truth to editors and lawyers, traders and I Merchants. 1 would give to physicians, skill and : learning. To clergymen, zeal, disinterested piety. To lawyers, merchants, brokers, public officers, &c., honesty. Toold women, short tongues and legs. To young women, common sense, large waists and natural feet. To servants, obedience and honesty. To masters, humanity : To farmers punctuality and sobriety. To old men, preparation for death : To young sprouts or dandies, good sense, little cash and hard work. To old maids, good tempers, little talk, and suitable husbands. To old bachelors, a love for virlure, chi’ - ! dren and wives. The above we clip from an exchange pa per, without knowing to whom the author ship is attributable. Whomever it may have been, we are sorry he did not write a codicil to the will and bequeath to all news paper subscribers a disposition to pay in advance, orat least not to take a paper for a year or two, and then run away without paying for it. A QUEER TEE-TO-TALLEII. i To he sure lam no advocate for drill ’ king—unless when a man is dry ; but tlx ease is altered when a man has a eonstitu ! tional toothache, hereditary by the mother’s side in the family, which is my unfortunate j case. If you had the heart of a gun-flint, 1 you would pity me ; to sec a fellow-crea ture, with an old stocking wrapped around his chops, and a short pipe stuck in his jaw and a bottle of whiskey, together with a can of beer, upon the table. Surely never j was a poor rascal so completely predestina ted to insobriety. The toothache makes me smoke ; the smoke makes me swill at. the beer; ; and as beer never agreed with me, lam forced, in spite of l ather Mat thew, to qualify the stout with the still ; in short, to mix a tumbler. As I was always of an active disposition, and can t hear to be idle, I keep smoking while I am mix ing the materials. By this light! the more I drink the drier I am ; and the drier 1 am, the more I drink. And do you know, j such a scurvy world we live in, for impu ! ting had motives where there is no occasion I that I hear reports are abroad that I am a ‘sad drunken follow, as if any man can help constitutional toothache, hereditary by the mother's side ! Monomia. —Some old writer says that Monomia is produced by continually dwell ing upon one thought. We have heard ol a physician who, having attained some dis tinction by an essay against the useoi jli=- ters, became so devoted to his theory that j he allowed it to mix even with ins theologi ! eal speculations, till he maintained that tu j ture punishments consisted ot an endless series of hiisterings, and that llelzebnb s I f, tr tiro vs that of a large Spanish fly I'rcitvr ■ [VOLUME XXVI.
