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Bones, Brown ft Cos., I. ft S. Bones ft Cos.,
AUGUSTA, GA. BOMB, GA.
Established 1825. Established 1869.
BONES, BROWN & CO.,
IMPORTERS
And dealers in Foreign & Domestic
HARDWARE
AUGUSTA GA..
“ ’W’- B- VAIL,
witß
REAS & CASSEL.S,
Wholesale and retail dealers in
Foreign and Domestic Dry Goods
209 Broad st., lat stand of H. F. Russel ft Cos.
AUGUSfA, GA.
Wholesale and retail dealers in
English While Granite & C. 0. Ware
® ALSO,
Bemi-Chma, French China, Glassware, &c.
No. 244 Broad Street,
AUGUSTA, GA.
T. MARKWALTER,
MARBLE WORKS,
BROAD STREET,
Near Lower Marke^
AUGUSTA, GA.
THE AUGUSTA
tiilding, Looking-glass,Picture Frame
FACTORY.
Old Picture Frames Regilt to look Equal to
JV eM. Old Paintings Carefully Cleaned,
Lined and Varnished.
J. J. BROWSE, Agent,
346 Broad st., Augusta, Ga.
E H. ROQEIBS,
Importer and dealer in
RIM, GOBS PISTOLS
And Pocket Cutlery,
A-iiinaanitioxx of all Kinds,
645 BROAD STREET, AUGUSTA, GA.
REPAIRING EXECUTED PROMPTLY
SCHNEIDER^
* DEALER IN
WINES, LIQUORS AND CIGARS
AUGUSTA, GA.
Agent for Fr. Schleifor ft Co.’s San Francisco
CALIFORNIA BRANDY*
jahbolu euequgtt champagne.
E. R. SCHNEIDER,
Augusta, Georgia.
(gUwtON §ushw
LIGHT CARRIAGES & BUGGIES.
ELBERTOSI, GEORGIA.
BEST WORKMEN!
BEST WORK!
LOWEST PRICES!
Good Buggies, warranted, - $125 to $l6O
Common Buggies - SIOO.
repairing and blacksmithing.
Work done in this line in the very best style.
The Best Harness
My 22-1 v
T. M. SWIFT. MACK ARNOLD
SWIFT & ARNOLD,
(Successors to T. M. Swift,)
DEAtEiIS IN
dry goods,
GROCERIES, CROCKERY, BOOTS AND
SHOES, HARDWARE, &c.,
Public Square, ELBERTON GA.
hTkTgairdimer,
ELBERTON, GA.,
DEALER IN
MY Mil MDCIIK
HARDWARE, CROCKERY,
BOOTS, SHOES, HATS
Notions, &c*
EEbERTON" FEMALE
®fflleprte|nsfitate
THE exercises of this institute will be resum*
ed on Monday, August 18th, 1873.
Spring term, four months. Tuition, $2.50,
$3.50, and $5 per month, according to class
payable half in advance.
Mrs. Hester will continue in charge of the
Musical Department.
Board in the best families can be obtained at
from $lO to sls per month.
For further information address the Principal,
H. P. SIMS. ,
THE GAZETTE.
ISTew Series.
SEWING MACHINE AGENTS.
BY JERUBHY PEBKINS.
there's two things on this airth that
there haint no escape from! And them
is death and sewing machine agents.
Lightning rod men is eanamost as
bad, but they don’t quite come up to the
mark.
You may turn, and twist, and plan,
and argyfy, and contrive, and lay your
self out ginerally, but you can’t git rid of
& sewing machine agent.
He’ll stop to dinner, and pick his teeth
with your best silver forks while he tells
you about the virtoos and graces of the
lock stitch, and feeder, and the improv
ed shettle, and all that kind of talk, that,
everybody knows so well. And I’ve
took notice that ginerally a Bice
looking man, and that makes it wtiss for
ye, because no woman, as is a woman,
can be onpolite to a handsome man,
with tidy sidewhiskers, and modest look
ing boots, and onixpressibles:
For about ten year, I should say, the
sewing machine men have been a pester
ing me to buy machines. They’ve left
every kind of machine under the sull for
me to tty, and I’ve done up my sowing
on them and it haint cost me a cent.—
And when the agents would come round
I would jist tell ’em the machine didn't
6kactly suit me, and they’d cany ’em off
again.
But this spring I come across anew
agent. His name is Whicksy. Rather
an oncommon name, and he is an uncom
mon man. Ellen Sophier says he is a
beauty, and she should fall in love with
him if it wasn’t for Arthur Grey, and
then Arthur gets sulky, and she has to
kiss him, and twiddle with his mus
tache and call him her “old darling’
about half an hour afore he’ll come round
right.
Mr. Whicksy he was determined to
sell me a sowing machine. It was anew
kind of a one. It hadn.ll ±La
ments, and some besides 1 It woiild do
all kinds of work that ever was done,
and about fifty kinds that’d never been
done! It was a light ruuning little
thing. It never got out of repair. You
couldn’t run it wrong if you tried. It
was fun to operate it. Queen Victoria
had one she made all her night gounds
and things on herself. Gineral Grant’s
wife had one that all the Gineral’s shirts
was sowed on. That was what made
him such a close man. His clothes was
sowed up close.
A person who once had this machine
would rather die than part with it! The
agent himself had rather be burned at
the stake than not have this wonderful
machine! So had his wife ! So had all
his folks, including his grandma, and
his mother-in-law’s grandma, which was
one hundred and two, and had all her
reasons, and had strowed flowers before
Washington, and could repeat the
chatechism from one end to tother, and
could see to thread her needle without
specks.
I won’t tell the right name of this mar
chine, because it would be kind of un
fair—so I’ll just call it for handy, the
Queen.
It was cheap. Forty dollars cheaper
than the other kinds of machines, and
forty dollars is worth saving. Forty
dollars will buy a nice hog; and at the
last elecshnn forty dollars would have
bought almost any man’s vote in Pigeon
Holler.
That agent was too much for yer Aunt
Jerushy, and she collapsed after he'd
stayed to our house three days, and
bought his machine.
I had sot it in the sitting room. The
day after I bought it I went to making
some night gounds like Queen Victoria.
The thing went on a little while, and
then it went backwards. I couldn’t stop
it to save me ! The more I trotted my
feet the more it went the wrong way!
By and by the shettle hopped out and
bounced onto the floor, the cat grabbed
it and kited for the wood shed, and I af
ter her with the broom!
I got the shettle and went to work
again. The under thread broke. Then
the - upper, and so on for half an hour.—
I fixed the under tension. Then I fixed
the upper tension. Then I fixed both of
’em. Then I iled the thing. Then I
tightened the belt and Went at it. Both
threads broke together now. I took the
critter apart and looked into his in ards.
I put hiTn together agin, and sot anew
needle. I sowed a few stitches, and
then there was a crash 1 Needle broke,
got another one. Got it too high—
ELBERTOK) GEORGIA, JULY 30, 1873,
It didn’t reach into the shettle Tn.ee.—
Sot it lower. Got it too low, and broke
the pint off. Sot another. It skipped
stitches.
Then the belt come apart,
I give it ftp and made the night gounds
by hand.
Next day there was a spot of ile on
my setting room carpet as big as yer
hand, where the ile had run off‘ from
that machine.
I tried it agin in a day or two, Had
just about the same
agin.
The next day the same thing, and so
on for a week.
Then I got mad and Swore revenge
on that machine agent
I watched for him, and in about a
fortnight I seed hfcn driving by fts fast
as ever his horse could travel. I grab
bed a basin of com and ran out He
clucked to the hoss, but it wasn’t iio use
—the annermile had caught sight of that
corn, and wasn’t to be got by withcluck
ing:
Air. Whicksy had to stop.
I told him about the machine, and
asked him to take it back and give me
my thirty dollars. He laffed at me and
lit a cigar, and sed he didn’t make no
such bargains as that ere. Wten he
made a trade, he made it. And then
he clucked to the hoss. But that .ere
hoss was a conscienshus beast, and with
his eye on that com he did’t budge an
inch.
The agent got out of his waggin, and
used some insulting langwidge to
me. He called me an old termy-grunt,
and sed Jonathan Perkins Was ta bC
pitied.
And he sed he’d have me arrested
for stopping him on the public high
way.
Then mi indignation riz. I seized him
by the collar, and I shook him with all
mi might, and shook him so hard l that
very teeth dropped _
Lead, aha was grabbeaUp our old iuA
cy gobbler; who gobbled ’em up in no
time.
Who’d have thort that young man’s
teeth was false ?
You’d ort to have seen his agony.—
Words can’t do it justice. He was go
ing to see his gal, and how could he ap
peal’ afore her toothless 1 He let it all
out, and then he set Sal after the gob
bler. But the animile flew up onto the
roof of a com house, and there he sot
and laffed at us as well as ahe turkey
could.
Mr. Whicksy he begged of me to do
something. I told him I’d kill the gob
bler and git the teeth if he’d take back
thft macliine, and he sed he would. And
he did.
Mose White knocked the bird down
with a fishing-pole, and Whicksy went
away with his mouth full of teeth. He
never stopped to wash ’em but put ’em
rite in. I hadn’t got any sowing machine
now.
Put this in small letters, so that no
agent will notice it.
LINES ON THE DEATH OF A GOBBLES.
In eighteen hundred and seven-ihree
Was done a dreadful tragedy !
A wicked gobbler swallowed down
Some teeth in Pigeon Holler town,
Belonging to a man that peddles
Sowing machines with patent treadles ;
Great was his grief; loud he did cry,
“Oh I save them teeth, or let me die I
For if my darling sees me thus
There’ll be a dreadful awful fuss I
She’ll mitten me and take Sam Rust—
And then, dear Lord, my heart’ll bust.”
Then Mose:, the deliverer, come 1
He struck his fishing-polo right home I
Down came the gobbler, teeth and all,
And lit upon the garden wall;
He wrung his neck, and cut his crop,
And lo! them teeth did outward drop!
Sinners, who read this tale beware I
Let all your deeds be true and fair,
Lest like that gobbler, you shall find
Your sin’s reward comes close behind.
He gobbled up the teeth, poor elf,
And then got gobbled up himself I
PA SAYS SO.
The imitative propensities of Young
America are quite equal to those of the
monkey tribe as will be seen by the fol
lowing illustration;
Johnny, a three year Old, was at din
ner with the rest of tits family, which in
cluded an aunt on a visit.
“Aunt Ella,” asked Johnny,| ‘do you
ever say devil T
“Why no, Johnny, what makes you
ask such a question t" replied the aston
ished lady.
“Because Fa says so. Fa, what made
you say devil the other day, when you
was looking for the hammer and couldn’t
find it?”
“Oh!” said Pa, rather cornered, “did
I? Well, st) as to find it easier, I sup
pose.”
Here the discussion ended, the explan
ation being considered as good as could
be given under the circumstances, blit
Johnny’s relative memory treasured it
up.
A few days afterward, Johnny’s cap,
as little caps will do.JJgot odt of its place,
and Johny forgot where he had left it.—
His mother told him to lookjtillhe found
it
Off he started, up stairs, and down
stairs, and soon his treble voice rang
through the halls, crying out, “devil!
devil ! DEVIL!”
“Jon, my son!” called out his fright
ened mother, “what ill the world do you
mean by using that wicked|word ?”
“So as to find my cap easy!” cried
John. “Pa says devil when he can’t find
things !'*
The mother negotiated with Johnny’s
father to use more select words in the
presence of his children.
There is a hint to parents in this sto
ry worth more than a quarter.
THE ADVANTAGES 01 BEING A TREE
MASON.
A London letter contains the follow
ing amusing story s
Speaking of railways, there has been ft
most humorous incident on one of OUr
east country lines. In a village near’y
five miles from a station—which in En
gland signifies a spot very milch otit of
the world indeed—resided a certain yeo
man whom some of his convivial friends
desired to become a Freemason. Being
a sensible though simple man, he had
long declined these overtures, upon the
ground that it would do him no good.—
His wife was fond of secrets, he allowed;
tt th§jn admit her into their confidence
.mt for his ownqmrt, he
eared nothing for such rubbish. He ac
cepted, however, an invitation from a
Masonic friend, who asked him to come
down to Norwich, where a lodge was to
be held and [especially] a dinner given
by the brotherhood. They arrived at
the station some time before their train
was due, and while walking up and down
the platform his Companion, who had ta
ken an opportunity to “interview” the
station-master, renewed his solicita
tions,
“You talk of its being no ‘good’ to be
come one of us,” said he. “Why, to be
gin with, if you were a Freemason you
would not have to pay for going to Nor
wich.”
“How so?” inquired the rustic.
“Well, Freemasons never do pay for
their railway tickets. They only have to
make the sign, and then they pass in
free.”
“I don’t believe it,” said the farmer,
stoutly. [ln the eastern counties flat
contradiction is thought nothing of.]
“Nay, but it is so indeed. If you will
give me your honor never to make use of
it again, unless you join us, I will teach
you the sign to-day, and you shall have
an immediate proof of the truth of my
statement.” '
“What! do you mean to say —”
* “Yes, I do; but the train is already
due. Will you promise never to mention
what I am about to disclose to you [for
else I am a dead man], and also that you
will not take advantage of it save on this
occasion only ? Very good. Now come
into the office, and rub your hand slowly
down your face three times—thus —as
you will see me do; then ask for your
ticket.”
There were a good many people about
the pigeon-hole through which the tick
ets were being given out, and the two
friends took their places in the queue.
The Freemason placed himself before
his friend, and when his turn came offer
ed no money, but saying, “First-class,
Norwich,” gravely stroked his face three
times, whereupon the station-master
looked at him significantly, and gave him
his ticket. The rustic did the like, and
similarly received his pass.
“Why, this is most extraordinary,"
whispered he; “it will save me twenty
pounds a year in going to market.
“Of course it will; but remember your
promise; you must not take advantage
of the privilege unless you become one
of us.”
“11l do that as Soon as you like, be
gad!” was the enthusiastic reply.
At Norwich this sanguine individual
was accordingly admitted to be a mem-
Vol. 11-dSTo. 14.
ber of the mysterious order, and what
ever personal inconveniences the ceremo
ny may have cost him, he forgot them
when on his return journey he arrived at
the Norwich station, and reflected that
there was nothing to pay for his retrans
mission to Wisbeach. His friend was ilo
longer with him, bilt so simple a sign as
the stroking of the face three times was
not one about Which any mistake could
be made, Accordingly he approached
the pigeonhole with confidence, said;
“First-class, Wlsbe&eii,-" and performed
the mystic ceremony. The station-mas
ter looked at him very h&M, and remark^
ed, “Seven-and-sixpence.”
“He couldn’t have seett me do it,” WaS
the farmer’s reflection, and he therefore
made the mysterious sign again, with
greater deliberation and gravity than be
fore,
“I don’t know why you are making
those faces,” observed the station-master;
“but your fare is seVeh-andsjjtpence.”
“But don’t you see ?” expostulated the
newly made Mason. “I am on the free
list.” And once more lie made the sig
nificant symbol,
“You’ll be in a lunatic asylum before
long,” was the official's cynical rejoin
der ; and it was not without some diffi
culty that, at the last moment, the farm*
er obtained his ticket CVefi by paying for
it, so persuaded was the station-master
that he was out of his mind; and ought
to be locked Up,
The poor farmer was indeed very near
ly mad with rage and chagrin at having
been so shamefully taken in, and when
he next met the friend who had so de
ceived him he addressed him by no means
in a conciliatory manner. The hoiit Was
late and the lane was lonely; the rustic
was powerful, and he had att oaken cud
gel in his hand. “I have got a little ac
count to settle with you, my Mend. You
made a fool of me about that railway
ticket. You told me that I could always
get one free by stroking hiy face three
times, IT I became a Jtrreemawuu."
“So you can, my dear Sir,” said his
companion, eyeing the cudgel with great
intelligence > “I proved it to you at Wis
beach station. Don’t you remember ?”
“Yes, but you said it was good for all
stations, and it don’t do for Norwich. I
stood like an idiot for ten minutes strok
ing my face—like this—before the ticket
office, and very nearly got put in the
lock-up for my pains.”
“Did you stroke your face like that?”
returned the other. “Then, indeed, it is
no wonder you were not attended to. I
have no doubt the station-master thought
you were an impostor.”
“But that was the way you taught me
confound you ?”
“Yes, for the down line. But since
you were traveling the other way, my
dear Sir, you should have stroked your
face upward, of course, like this.”
“By Jove!” cried the farmer, slapping
his own leg with his stick. “I never
thought of that What a precious fool
I’ve been!”
“Just to,” returned his friend, who
took care to leave that part of the coun
try before next market-day. It would
have been too expensive to have made a
private arrangement with the station
master every time that his rural acquain
tance took the train.
LOOKED OUT.
It’s all very well to laugh at, now it’s
all over, but if you wish to know what a
pleasant effect being the wrong side the
door has, at half-past two in the morn
ing, lose your key and try it.
I arrived at my apartments [I live ten
or twelve miles out of town] at half-past
two last Thursday morning, and, looking
up smilingly at my windows, I felt for
my key.
Those who carry latch-keys can readi
ly realize my sensations when I found I
had left it in town. To wake the inmates
was a matter of disturbing the whole
neighborhood; I therefore determined
[after waiting thirty minutes for a po
liceman} to effect an entrance by the
staircase window.
I must mention that my house Is one
of a short row, in which there lives a
butcher, baker and chemist—each of
whom keeps a dog or dogs, more or less
vicious, according to the amiableness of
its owner.
Having determined to attempt the
great window feat, I went round to the
back of the house and looked over the
paling. Scarcely had I raised my head,
than “800-woo-wooK’ went a dog with
whom I had some Blight acquaintance. I
addressed it Soothingly by its Christiai
name, “Gip,”
The Sound of my voice set the remain
der of the dogs off, and in less than U
minute there was a ToW only equalled by
& pack in full cry.
This naturally woke some of the no-;
blef animals; and one gentle female with
a shriek Voice put her head out of the
window and asked, in a hysterical tone,
who was there f
The ever-ready answer, "Me,” burst
forth, regardless of grammai'i
“Where are the police 1” continued tlie
screech:
* Precisely what I hat# been asking
my t Clf for the last thirty minutes,” an -
swe'fed I,
At this juncture I attempted ala Ugh,
and nearly overbalanced myself, and, iff
regaining my position, I kicked the pal
ings, on Which I was seated, so vigorous
ly, that off went the dogs louder than
before, and several more windows went
ttP-
At the Chemist’s appeared something
that looked like Robinson Crusoe, ably
supported by La Sonnambula in a night
cap,
“What’s the matter?” sensibly asked*
third wiiidow,
“Matter?" shrieked all the windows
together; but their explanation was lost
in the general hOwl of dogS,
“You shall hear of this in the morning’
said one irrepressible female.
“It strikes me I am hearing of it—very
much of it-——in the morning, you mean
later in the day. Call to lunch,” said 1
“and let’s have it out.”
The windows Went dowh with a hang
and I weiit off the palings with another,
falling within a yard of a beautiful bull
mastiff, who showed me the perfect ordtT
in which he kept his teeth; after a satir*
factory inspection thereof, I described a
circle round him, and reached the wash
house. One foot on the window-sill and
one hand on the leaden Spout, I prepar
ed for the great feat, but at that instant
[owing to the dog’s violent efforts to
strangle itself], the staple holding the
chain gave way, and, without a word of
apology, he seized toe by that portion of
my clothes unknown to angels. I held
on to the spout, the dog held on to me*
One derisive laugh Tang through the
air.
A lapse of several seconds, each of
which seemed an hour.-
Every moment I expected would be
my last, when, within reach, I saw a
bronmhandle ; to seize it, and deal myself
a fearful blow, was the work of an in
stant. Horror! the spout is giving way.
A second fearful blow proved more fortu
nate—l broke the wash-house window ;
one more, and I landed the stick on his
nose, in a way that sounded like cracking
an egg-shell,
A dreadful howl followed; he let gO.
Windows again up—general howling,
shouting, and a rally all round. During
the melee I disappeared in at the win
dow, and peeped round the blind; row
gradually subsided.
An interval of five minutes. All qui
et.
An interval of five more minutes. A
policeman! composed, unruffled, digni
fied!
The Laird of M‘Nab being at Leitli
races, was mounted on a nag of such
small size that it was a doubtful ques
tion which was the largest—the horse of
the rider j and at last, as he rode up to
the starting-post to get sight of the lucky
winner, the poor beast fell under the
weight of his load with his baok literally
broken. The next year the Laird was at
the races again, upon a steed no larger
flinn the unfortunate one of the previous
year, when he was accosted by a young
dandy with,
“Well, M‘Nab, is that the same horse
ye had last year?"
The Laird replied with an overwhelm
ing blow from an enormous whip that he
carried that stretched the youngster in
the sand, and accompanied the blow
with, , .
“It’s no the same horse; but ken ye,
Billy, it’s the same whup.”
Judge Norton was solemn, stern, and
dignified to excess. He was also at once
egotistical and sensitive to ridicule.
Judge Nelson was a wit, careless of de
corum, and had a sharp voice. He did
not like Judge Norton.
At a Bar supper Judge Norton, ifl an
elaborate speech, referring to the early
days of Wisconsin, the rude practice of
that period, and the discomforts of the
profession in anew country, described
with tragic manner a thunder-storm
which once overtook him in riding the
old circuit
It was night, in a forest; the scene
was awful, “and,” said the Judge, “I ex
strike the tree under which I had taken
shelter.
“Why, then,” interrupted Nelson, In
his peculiar squeal, ‘*Why ifl thunder
didn’t you get under another t ftif"
The party roared, the Bplendid period
was spoiled, and the poor Judge sat
down.
- +4m* <——
“Oh, grandma,” cried a mischievous
little urchin, “I cheated the hens so nice*
ly just now! I threw them your gold
beads, and they thought they were coin,
g id they ate them Up just as fast as thy
could.”
Chickens wanted at this officer