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BILL NYE DISCUSSES PIE.
__■<
SETTLING A GASTRONOMIC POINT
RAISED BY FOUR DRUMMERS.
Some Remarks Upon the Relations
Between Hotel Proprietors and
Commercial Travelers.
am in receipt of the following letter.
Concordia, Kan., March 82. 1887.
Mr. William Nyk: Knowing that yoti are
a friend of the traveling num, we do not, h<w
itate to ask your opinion or ad vice uh to what
course we should pursue in a matter of vital
importance to iw. The proprietor of the
Hallibert House, Red Cloud, Neb., the leading
hostelry there, insists upon cutting one pie in
sixteen pieces, which only gives one-sixteenth
of a pie to the commercial man. We have re
monstrated with him alxiut this, but without
awail. What shall we do about it? Please
advise us. Yours amitatively,
Will Reed,
Harry Hickh,
GSorge Thom pson,
E. C Lindbay.
REPLY.
Asheville, N. C., March 29, 1887.
Messrs. Reed, Hicks, Thompson and Lind
say, at large.
Gentlemen : Your favor, dated at
Concordia, Kan., 22d iiist,., is now in front
of inc as 1 write. I hate to come in be
tween the commercial man and the hotels
in a case of this kind, especially in order
to monkey with relations that are really
•trained; and yet something ought to b«
said at this time or we may easily foresee
that the overworked American pie will at
length he compelled by reason of brain
fag to abandon the proud position which
it now holds relative to our interstate
commerce.
I would like to treat this matter in a
way to insure harmony between tin- trav
eling man and the hotel, if possible; and
yet I must confess that I cannot refer to
pie in a purely unpartisan spirit. Pie, 1
may truthfully say, seems to lie nearer
my heart at times than anything else
within the great realm of groceries.
I know that commercial men are prone
to ask too much of the hotels at t imes,
and thus they inflame the proprietors. I
have known of many such instances in
which the tourist was clearly in the
wrong: but the outrages were always per
petrated by traveling men whose early
lives had been passed in obscurity. They
were men who knew how to catch a train
or tell in a rich Union Depot tone of voice
how many goods they sold in that town,
but they do not adorn society very much.
These are the except ion, however. They
are men who represent small houses, and
sleep on four scuts in the day-coach, with
their feet on the velvet collar of the un
assuming capitalist who sits in the ad
joining pew.
But I was a traveling man once for two
weeks, and I have always sympathized
with those, who followed this business for
alivelihood. For some years I had yearned
to be a commercial man with a sorrel
traveling-bag and a. bold signature. L
intimated to several large concerns that
iny services could be secured at a nomi
nal figure, but there is nothing so pulled
up or so egotistical as a prosperous busi
ness house, and so they continued ty
struggle mi without me.
Finally I went on the road in the inter
ests of a preparation that would take an
old “pair of second-hand lungs and
brighten them up so that a man needn’t
be ashamed to dress up in them and wear
them into the best society.
People say that traveling men are too
forward and too bold, and ought to do a
little more of the blush-unseen business,
but 1 found when I was on the road that
1 had to be bold, especially at the hotels,
for the clerks were bold, t he porters were
bold, and the dining-room girls were also
in several instances extremely so. If I
did not demand the best chamber I
generally got tea-chest No. (> 5-8, with
no knob on the door, and when 1 would
punch the button on the denunciator it
would fall oIT with a low tremulous
sound and roll under the bed.
Speaking of door knobs, reminds me
of a hotel man in Washington Territory
who had a novel way of keeping these
handles clean at a slight expense lie
has knobs on all doors and t hey are so
arranged that they may be easily re
moved. lie has two sets for the house—
one set being white and the other a
dappled bay. When one set gets soiled
he removes the knobs, placing them in
the soap dishes of the various rooms,
where the guests rinse them olf
thoroughly in a vain attempt to get a
lather out of them. After they arc dried
the proprietor replaces them on the doors
and the soiled set go into the soap dishes.
This hotel is now called the door-knob
chop house, and with the slippery elm
towel adopted there a polish is givt n to
the guest which he might otherwise
never secure.
Gentlemen, in conclusion, I hardly
know what to say, unless it be to add
that whatever you may decide to do to
ward the purification of thisgreat pie evil,
provided you do not actually endanger
human life, you may safely rely upon me
and count me in. Pie enters into the life
of every true American, and an unfair di
vision of pie will certainly lead to open
hostility and possibly intestine war. Do
not trust the man who robs you of your
pie in order that he inay thrust it into his
own corrv.pt system.
The t ndency of the age seems to be
toward the centralization of pie. This is
bound to mak< the thin man thinner and
the fat man fatter. From statistics now
I in iny h inds 1 hive ascertained that we
I ha v ‘\ f ’ DoU gh pie j :1 America, if properly
distributed. to give to each adult, exclu
sive of Indians not taxed, one-eighth of a
full-grown pie and still leave one-six
teenth pie for each child of school age.
Gentlemen, this letter is already too
long. I can add nothing more unless it
be yours, truly.— Hye, in York
. World.
The saddest case of intoxication oc
curred on Wall street recently. Money
jot tight— Drake's Magatine.
Something Better.
‘You did not seem to welcome the at
tentions of Lord Lowcollar at the party
last evening, Jennie,” said an ambitious
mother to her daughter. ‘What were
you thinking about to ignore him lor
the plain young man in the toothpick
shoes ? ”
“Lord Loweallar is as poor as a church
mouse.’’
“But he has a title- that’s something.'
“I prefer money. It seems you don’t
know the young man in the toothpick
shoes, as you call him.”
“No, I don’t. Who is he?”
‘He is the right fielder in the Carry
all-before-’em Club.”
“Oh? if that is the case, you did well.
After all, a princely income is better than
a title.”
- ■ ——
To Dislodge the Enemy,
When it lakes the form of disease of the kid
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of accomplishment. Kenai and vesical mala
dies are more obstinate than any others. Coun
teract therefore, the earliest indication of in.
activity of the many organs with Hostetter’s
Stomach Bitters,which possesses, among other
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from its use reaches, bat never goes beyond
the bounds of safety. It invigorates always,
never irritates Bright’s disease, diabetes, ca
tarrh of the bladder, are diseases suci esst'uliy
combatted in their incipiency wi h this benign
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forcing and regulaling the kidneys and blad
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ou tipat.iori and dyspepsia.
There ii.i. machine out for making finger
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the OHLf TRUE
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Btonic
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not experiment—get th. Original AND BEST,
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Cure Constipation. Liver Complaint and StoK*
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mailed on receipt of twooentnin pontage, y
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St Louie. Mu.
DROPSY
FREE. ■
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Specialists for Thirteen Years Past,
Have treated Dropsy anil its complications with the
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tirely harmless. Remove alt symptoms ot Dropsy in
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Cure patient s pronounced hope lons by tn® d®m or
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From th® first dose tb® symptoms rapidly disappear,
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Some may cry humbug without knowing any tiling
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We are constant y curing ciukX of b ug st-an Img, cases
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Epllvpav (Fit-) PoMKivrlv Cured.
11. 11. GREEN eV SONS. M. !>«.,
250’«• Alfti’iNlH Struct, Arlnntru Ga.
W. L. DOUGLAS
$3 SHOE. f
The best S 3 Shoe in the ]
world. Best iiialerialjStylisii, 2?/ SKsj.Aj. S’l
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how to obtain these
celebrated S 3 Shoe, /qc
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0'3.50 Shoo '.qiir.ls $1 Shoe's advertised by other
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W. L. DOUGLAS, Brockton, Mma
SHOW CASES. WALL CASES.
DESKS. OFFICE FURNITURE AND FIXTURES.
A*k for IHtiatrated Pamphlet.
TERRY SHOW CASE CO.. Nashville. Tenn
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Superior natural Mineral Waters, Mountain and Car®
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SV ORTH A ND
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Apply t< F. REGISTER, Att’y, :U4 S Fifth St . Pfnla-
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kS2 fit 1 l ’ lat ‘”l’ ' Uook Stove t.> r SliLDt)
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e f lO Sei
*1 G M • 1
rr ISAP’UREiy VEfirTABLE fSUtPARAZIOId
SENNA-MANDRAKE-BUCHU
WWauo amtn EtwAuyEFnciLHTnEMiotES.
It has stood the Test of Years,
Wtgiiia in Curing all Diseases of the
LIVES, BTOM
ACfI. KIDNEYS,BOW
ELS, &c. It Purifies the
iXoieißrt H Blood, Invigorates and
I Cleanses the System.
BITTERS i dyspepsia,consti-
CURES H PATION, JAUNDICE,
AILOISEASESOFTHE j SICKHEADACHE,BIL-
I [VFR lIOUS COMPLAINTS,&e
. fikL- I disappear at once under
KIDNEYS j Ito beneficial inflnence.
STOMACH | It is purely a Medicine
AND B as ltß cathartio projUr
nmarr-r c I ties I° r Wds its u« as a
oUVv£JLu3I | beverage. Itispleas-
B an * to tne taste, and at
R I easily taken by child-'
A " ir n r Iren1 ren ~ a^u^*B,
t HO PRICKLY aITbHTERS CO
IWPRiCFIUOI I ARffi ®° ia Proprietors,
Sr-Louwaud Kansas City
M T v T EH E
pills.
ItETFARK Ol'' 11H1T.4.T10N9, ALIT.IT3
AHR FOR OR. PIISRCE’S PET/LliTB, OR
LITTLE SUGAR-COATED PILES.
Kring entirely vegetable, they op
erate without disturbance to the system, diet,
or occupation. Put up In ;?lass vials, herrnetk
cally sealed. Always fresh and reliable. As
a laxative, alterative, or purgative,
these little Pellets {five the most perfect
satisfaction.
SLCI WE,
ftilious Headache, W
ISizziuess, CoiiHtlpa- aS*-'-
tion, Indigestion.
Bilious Attacks,anda’l R W./mhL
derangements of the stom-
ach and bowels, ure prompt- -w al
ly relieved ami permanently W,
cured by the use of Dr.
Pierce’s Plemant Purgative Pellets.
In explanation of the remedial power of these
Pellets over so great a variety of diseases, it
may truthfully be said that their action upon
the system is universal, not a gland or tissue
escaping their sanative influence. Sold by
druggists,2s cents a vial. Manufactured at the
Chemical Laboratory of World’s Dispensary
Medical Association, Buffalo, N. Y.
wly/ offered by the manufactur-
r ersof Dr. Sage’s Catarrh
If X 1 v Kemedjr, for a case of
i t-THfliA. Chronic Nasal Catarrh which
; 1 Ff they cannot cure.
SYMPTOffIS OF CATARRH. Dull,
I heavy headache, obstruction of the nasal
[ passages, discharges felling from the head
! into the throat, sometimes profuse, watery,
! and acrid, at others, thick, tenacious, mucous,
I purulent, bloody and putrid; the eyes are
i weak,.watery; and inflamed; there is ringing
j in the ears, deafness, hacking or coughing to
’ clear the throat, expectoration of offensive
> matter, together with scabs from ulcers; the
' voice is changed and has a nasal twang; the
: breath is offensive; smell and taste are iid-
I paired; there is a sensation of dizziness, with
i mental depression, a hacking cough and gen
i oral debility. Only a few of the above-named
: symptoms are likely to be present in any one
ase. Thousands of eases annually, without
manifesting half of the above symptoms, re
sult in consumption, and end in the grave.
iVo disease is so common, more deceptive and
' dangerous, or less understood by physicians.
By its mild, soothing, and healing properties.
Dr. Sage’s Catarrh Remedy cures the worst
■■usesof Catarrh, “cold in the head,”
Coryza, and Catarrhal Headache.
Sold by druggists everywhere; 50 cents.
“Untold Agony from Catarrh.”
j Prof. W. Hausner, the famous mesmerist,
>f Jthaca, y. writes: “Some ten years ago
1 suffered untold agony from chronic nasal
catarrh. My family physician gave me up as
■ incurable, and said 1 must die. My wise was
; such a bad one, that every day, towards sun
set, my voice would become so hoarse I could
barely speak above a whisper. In the morning
my coughing and clearing of my throat would
i almost strangle me. By the use of Dr. Sage's
Catarrh Remedy, in three months, I was a well
i man, and the cure has been permanent.”
“Constantly Hawking and Spitting.”
Thomas J. Rushing, Esq., Pine Street,
St. Louis, Mo., writes: “ I was a great sufferer
from catarrh for three years. At times I could
hardly breathe, and -was constantly hawking
and spitting, and for the last eight months
could not breathe through the nostrils. I
' thought nothing could be done for me. Luck
ily, I was advised try Dr. Sage’s Catarrh
Remedy, and lan now a well man. I believe
it to be the only sure remedy for catarrh now
manufactured, and one baa only to give it a
fair trial to experience astounding results and
a permanent cure.”
Three Bottles Cnro Catarrh.
Eli Robbins, Itunyan P. 0., Columbia Co.,
Pa„ says: “My daughter had catarrh when
i she was five years old, very badly. I saw Dr.
Sage's Catarrh Remedy advertised, and pro
i cured a bottle for her, and soon saw that it
helped her; a third bottle effected a perma
nent cure. She is now eighteen years old and
sound and hearty.”
j Ouj Agent (Merchant only) wanted in erory town for
I Yonr'’Tansiir* Punch ” are trie bes >.
I ever handled. Glasco it & Braru, Mo no • .Vis
We link, without doubt, that v.n- ■ Tin U’«
Punch’’ Ufa the finest Sr. cigar-, "eh ve over had.
Wu. I. Davis* co, Drngglsts, Woieest.r, Ma a.
Address It. W. TANbILL & CO.. < hientro.
HI K FN>’ I.U I- HU » F.D KoU r LEEK PAGE
AGES, 25c. Makes 5 galk>n< of a elieiou*
sparkling temperance beverage, strengthens and
purifies tile blood. Its purity aa<t de 1. a. yor flavor
lomiueuJ It Co a.l. Sold e> < rj" her.. TRY IT.
SV. ■ to Soldiers ft Heir*. Bind stamp
j Pensions
Habit Cured. Treat n. ent sent on trtaL
Us luil Humane Remedy Co., LaFuyette, Ind.
HPieo’s Remedy for Catarrh is the
Bint, Easiest to Use, and Cheapest.
a rtjy at;/. »v
EH Sold by druggists or sent by "’rih "is
gg 50c. Ik T. Haseltine, Warren, Pa.
A. N. C . -ST
It Startled Him.
He was a clerk in a shoe stere but
rather new to the business. When a
pretty girl tripped in and asked for shoes
he inquired politely:
“What number do you wear?”
“Why, two of course,’’she snapped;
“how many feet do you suppose I have?”
“I-I-ment what size?” he stammered.
“Oh! size three’ and D- wide,” she re
sponded carelessly.
He fainted before a brother clerk could
explain that the width of shoes was reg
ulated afphabetically, and no profanity
was intended.
A lazy man when offered a Waterbury
watch as a premium with a suit of clothes
which he had purchased,declined it with
the remark that he had enough of hard
work to do already, without winding a
Waterbury watch every twenty-four
hours.
Unclk Sam should postpone the Ca
midian war of conquest for a few years
longer. If American bank deposits con
tinue to be made in Canada, Uncle Sam
can check it cut of existence.
A leading Rea! Estate Agent and Private
Banker, Mr. Ira Brown, Chicago, 111., writes:
“I feel it my duty to say of St. Jacobs Oil that
I lay on my back three months with rheuma
tism. I tried it. was cured, aud have never
been troubled since.”
Ihe population of the island of Cyprus, now
under British control. Is almost entirely ru
ral, yet the number of offenses in proportion
to the population is three times as great as in
England, and the number of homicides ten
times as large.
Mr. T. J. Murphy, G1 Debavoice Place.
Brooklyn, N. Y., says: “I was afflicted with
sciatic rheumatism and found St. Jacobs Oil
very efficacious.”
Has your grindstone become hollowed from
the grinding of small tools? Grind up the
spades and shovels by holding them square
across the t-tone at. a proper level. Spades
like hoes, should be ground all on one side.
Paste this in your hat.
Over-Worked Women.
F r “worn-out,” “ran down,” debilitated
school teachers, milliners, seamstresses, house
keepers, and over-worked women generally.
Dr. Pierce’s Favorite Prescription is the best
of all restorative tonics. It s not a ‘•Cure-all,'’
but admirably fulltills a singlenesso: purpose,
being a mo?it potent Specific for all those
Chronic Weakness! a and Diseases peculiar to
women. It is a powerful, general as well as
uterine, tonic and nervine, and imparts vigor
and strength to the whole system. It prompt
ly curo-i weakness of stomach, indigestion,
bloating, weak back, nervous prostration, de
bility and sleeplessne s in eit ersex. Favorite
Prescription is -old by druvgisti un ier our
positive guarantee. See wrapper around bottle.
Price $1 a battle, or Six bottles for $5.
A large treat se on Diseases of Women, pro
fusely illustrated with colored platesand nu
merous wood-cuts, sent for 10 cents in stamps.
Address, World’s Dispensary Medical
Association, 663 Main street, Buffalo, N. Y.
Queen Victoria has a fair prospect of Hying
twenty years more. Her physician died not
long ago.
Iu General Debility, Emacintlon, Con
sumption, and Wasting iu Children,
Scott’s Emulsion of Pore Cod Liver Oil it.'i
Hypopho phites, is a most valualde food and
medicine. It c.eates an appetite for food,
strengthens the nervous system and builds up
the body. Please read: ”1 tried S ott’s Emu
sion on a young man whom Physicians at
times gave up hope. Since he began usingth ■
Emulsion his Cough has ceased, gai ed lie-,
and strength, and from all appcara.i es his
will bo prolonged many years.”—John Si').:
van. Hospital Steward, Mo. ;a ,z.i, I’a.
Many talk the loudest against sin when they
are walking arm and arm with the devil.
If ail so-called remedies have failed. Dr.
Sage's Catarrh Remedy cures.
It is only the sober man who can walk the
tight-rope sn cesstuly.
Use Dr. Pierce’s “Pellets” for constipation.
Judge B ode rtt decides that calling a man a
crank is not libelous.
Food makes Blood and Blood m kes Beauty.
Improper dige-tion of foed ne essarilv pro
duces 1> d blood, resulting in a feeling of full
ness m’ha stomach, at idity. heartburn, sick
headai h , and ether dyspeptic symptoms. A
closely c« n ‘it e l life causes indigest o i, eon-
Otipalion, 1 illou-ne-s and loss of appetite. To
remove these tr iubles th re is no remedy
equal to Prickly Ash B tters. It has been
tried and proven to be a specific-
One Cent Invested
In a postal card on which to send your address
to Ila lett & Co., Portland, Maine, will, b ’ re
turn mail, bring you free, pait.culare about
work that b uh sexes, of all ages, can do. and
live at home, wherever they are located earn
ing thereby from J 5 to $25 per day. and up
ward-. Son o have earn 'd ever «50 in a single
day. Capital not required; you are started free.
The Public Interested.
When manufacturers of a > article are ask
ing the public to consume their ware-, it is
incite re rest) n; t kno v that they are re
dab y endorse 1, as ill'istr ited by the united
endorsement of Dr. Harter’ Iron Ton io and
Liver Pdls by the druggists of St. Paul.
Dnit/rliters. Wives am! Mothers.
Send for Pamphlet on Female Diseases, free,
securely sealed. Dr. J. B. Marehisi. Utica. N.Y
If a cough di-turlis your sleep, take Piso’a
Cure for Consumption and rest w il.
In the Spring
Nearly everybody needs a good rnellclne. The Im
purities whieb have ■reun.u’ated tn the blood dur
tar the cold months must be expelled, or when die
tail I day* come, and the effect of bracing a'r Is lost
the body is liable to be overcome by debility or some
err ous disease. The remarkable success achieved
by flood’s Sara par 1 a. and the many wordsof prats?
It has received, n ake it w rthy your confidence.
Hood’s Sarsaparilla
”We have used Hood’s Sarsa-arll'a for several
year-, and feel proud to recommend it asau excel
lent print medi ine or to be used at all tlme-s as a
blo< d purifier. For chi.dreti as well ns groin peo
ple we consider tt the best We set asid one bot le
for our boy to take in the spring. H ■ is nn ’ y ar*
old anil has enjoyed bra th ev r since we b< gan
giving t tohl.n.”—B. F. Grover, R e >ester, N. R.
That Tired Feeling
•*! have been troubled w ith dysp psi <_ , had nt
little npi et te, and In an ho iraf .er ea ing I won d
ex[>rri. n-e a fatntnes, or tired, all gone feeing, as
111 had not eaten anything. Hoil’s Sarsapar.fla
gav, mean uppetit ■,a d my too 1 r l.»h -l an I >i.v
i»;ied th craving 1 had pxvvlou ly export need. It
relieved uie of that taint, tired, all gone fee tag.”—
0. A. Psoe, Watertown J.a s
Hood’s Sarsaparilla
fold by *ll draggteta. $!: six for 85. Prepared only
tyC. 1. HOOD A CO.. Apothecaries. Lowell. Mom.
100 Po§es One Dollar
A Famous Detective.
James Jackson, the famous State detec.
tive, resides in Sing Sing, and is generally
in attendance at the prison. His duties
are to examine carefully the face of every
convict as he enters, and to scrutinize
every visitor in order to prevent any dis
charged convict from seeing his pals
Occasionally he make long jouyl
neys in pursuit of runaway prisoners or to
identify criminals convicted in other
States. He never makes a mistake; if
once he looks a man in the eye he will
know him under any disguise, as he tells
his man by the look of his eyes. Once an
escaped convict had his nose pared;
down one-third, but Jackson detected
him at once, notwithstanding this remark
able change of feature. Mr. Jackson
is about 5 feet 8 inches in height, about
i>s years old, of a light and sinewy build,
with black hair and piercing black eyes’
and is altogether remarkably handsome'
He knows about 10,000 criminals, and it
is simply wonderful that he can distin
guish the features of every one. On his
long journeys he eats very moderately
and always takes one Brandreth pill at
night. When much fatigued by the jolt
ing of the cars on his tiresome trips he
uses two Allcock’b Porous Plasters on
the small of the back, which give him
renewed vigor and quickly relieve him
of all weariness. These are the only two
remedies he uses, and he attributes his
vigor and remarkable health to Allcock’s
Porous Plasters and Brandreth’s Pills.—
Nzzfc? Sing, jY. Y., Daily Register.
They are talking in England about
war-ships without masts, but that is not
so bad as a navy without war-ships.
ni-AWAROEDTD
SONS
, Weakness, Colds In
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I.ARGE NUJIBERSv
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lioaheur. M. W. DUNHAM,
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EXiijUfSTEii VITRUK
A Grsal Medical Work for Young
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/
KNOW THYSELF. Jiiib
PUBLISHED by the PEABODY MEDI
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