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BY T. L. GANTT. 00 L ETHORPE ECHO PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY MORNING, njV T. GANTT, Editor and Proprietor. TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION. Where paid strictly in mlranrr H‘2 00 Wlicry payment delayed 0 months 2 50 Where payment delayed 12 months... OO CASH RATES OF ADVERTISING. The following table shows our lowest cash r i!es t>r advertising. No deviation will be made from them'in any case. Parties can readily tell what their advertisement will cost them before it is inserted. We count our space by the inch. TIME. 1 §l4 2 in. 3 in. 4 in. i col i col. 1 col 1 w’l*, 1i.005i6053.00|4.0056.005i0!00 sl4 2 “ 1.75 2.75 4.00 5.00 8.00 13.00 IS 3 “ 2.50 3.25 5.00 6.00 10.00 16.00 22 4 “ 3.1 H) 4.00 6.00 7.00 11.(K) 18.88 26 5 “ 3.50 4.50 6.00 8.00 12.00 20.00 30 6 “ 4.00 5.00 7.50 8.00 13.00 22.00 33 8 f 5.00 fi.oo 0.0010.00 15.00 25.00 40 3 nios, 6.00 8.00 11.00 14.00 18.00 30.00 50 4 “ 7.00 10.0014.0017.00 21.00 35.00 50 6 “ 8.50 12.00 16.00 20.00 26.00 45.00 75 9 “ 10.00 15.00 20. CH) 25.00 33.00 60.00 100 12“ lILOQ 16.0024.00 80.00 40.00 73.00 120 LEGAL ADVERTISEMENTS. Sheriff Sales, per levy, 10 lines $5 00 Executors’, AdminUtra tors’ and Guardi an’s Sales, per square 7 00 Each additional square 5 00 Notice to Debtors and Creditors, 30 days, 4 00 Notice of Leave to sell, 30 days 3 00 Letter*of Administration, 30 days 400 Letters of Dismission, 3 months.* 5 00 Letters of Guardianship, 30 days 4 00 Letters of Dis. Guardianship, 40 days.... 3 75 Homestead Notices, 2 insertions 2 00 Rule Nisi’s per square, each insertion... 1 00 GEORGIA RAILROAD SCHEDULE The following is the schedule on the Geor gia Railroad, with time of arrival at and de parture from every station on the Athens Branch: UP PAY PASSENGER TRAIN. Leave Augusta at 8:45 a. nt. Arrive at Union Point 12:27 p. m. Leave Union Point 12:52 p. in. Arrive at Atlanta 5:45 p. m. DOWN DAY PASSENGER TRAIN. Leave Atlanta at 7:00 a. m. Arrive at Union Point 11:32 a. m. Leave Union Point 11:33 a. m. Arrive at Augusta 3:30 p. m. UP NIGHT PASSENGER TRAIN. Leave Augiistu’at 8:15 p. m. Arrive at Atlanta 6:25 a. in. Remains one minute at Union Point. ATHENS BRANCH TRAIN. PAY TRAIN. 1 Jwf-v" ' T line Stations. Arrive. Depart, bet. sta’s. a. M. Athens.,., 8 45 25 Winteraville 9 10 9 15 30 Crawford 0 45 9 50 25 Antioch 10 15 10 18 15 Maxey’s 10 33 10 35 15 Woodville 10 50 10 55 20 Union Point 11 15 UP TRAIN. Union Point...P. M. 100 I 20 Woodville 120 125 | 15 Maxey’s 1 40 1 45 15 Antioch 200 205 | 25 Crawford 230 235 | 30 Wintersvillo 305 310 | 25 Athens 3 35 | NIGHT TRAIN— Down. Athens la. m. \ 10 fKI I 25 Wintersvillo | 10 25 j 10 30 j 30 Crawford 1 11 00 j 11 05 j 25 Antioch | 1130 | 1132 j 15 Maxey’s I 11 47 11 49 | 15 'Woodville ! 12 04 I 12 10 j 25 Union Point | 12 35 j a. m. j Up Night Train. Union Point I | 355 j 25 Woodville I 420 | 424 j 15 Maxey’s I 439 441 j 15 Antioch I 456 | 458 j 25 (’rawfml j 523 I 527 | 30 Wintersviile j 557 | 602 | 28 Athens j 630 j | MISCELLANEOUS. ismmiuin) !!LE2J E! Athens, Oa., 25 bbls. Best O. K. Lard. DEALERS IN 5 Car-loads Com. 1 wtcho, clock*, Jewelry, j iqG bbls. Sugars. I m,ver * nd Plal * and |®j I 50 sacks Coffee. Fauey Article*, Etc. | And numerous other goods in our line, just \ jJeiErJl. j recei ved and for wale at prices that defy coni- TTaving best worktnen, are prepared to re- i petition. •ff l , vv ' m “ k^, a Hp p cia k lty s of silve r and 1 TALMADGE, HODGSON & Coi ( t Gold 1 luting Watches, forks, S|mh)lih, etc. : ’ "* * feb!B-4t College Avenue, Athens, Ga. t/ My Life is Like a Summer Rose. The poetry by R. 11. Wilde, beginning “My life is like the summer rose,” is universally admired and frequently found in the periodicals of the day. His politics are forgotten, his life of Tasso encumbers the shelves of booksellers, whilst this gem, recognized as true poe try, even in fault-finding England, prom ises to embalm his name in literary im mortality. It is not, however, so well known that | a lady of Baltimore met the distinguish j ed advocate in the Court of Muses, and I replied with much force and equal beau j *y. As the stanzas of ea ii are not found ; in connection, it is proposed to give those | (>i dde separat .y, a:: 1 in a similar way the lady’s answer in reply : WILDE. My life is like the summer rose That opens to the morning sky, But ere tiie shades of evening close Is scattered on tlie ground to die. Yet on that rose’s humble bed 1 he sweetest dews of night is shed, As if she wept such waste to see; But none shall weep a tear for me. LADY. The dews of night may fall from Heaven Upon the withered rose’s bed, And the tears of fond regret be given To mourn the virtues of the dead. Yet morning’s sun the dews will dry, And tears will fade from sorrows eve, Affections pangs be lulled to sleejv And even love forget to weep. WILDE. My life is like the autumn leaf 1 hat trembles in the moon’s pale rav— Its hold is frail, its date is brief, Restless and soon to pass away. Yet ere that life shall fall and fade, The parent tree shall mourn its shade ; I he wind bewail the leafless tree, But none shall breathe a sigh for ine. LADY. The tree may mourn its fallen leaf, And autumn’s winds bewail its bloom, And friends may heave a sign of grief, O’er those who sleep within the tomb. Yet soon will spring renew the flowers, And time will bring more smiling hours; In friendship’s heart all grief will die, And even love forget to sigh. WII.DE. My life is like the prints which feet Have left on Tampa’s desert strand— Soon as the rising tide shall beat, All trace shall''vanish from the sand. Yet, as if grieving to efface All vestage of the human race On that lone shore, loud moans the sea ; But none, alas ! shall mourn for me. LADY. The sea may on the desert shore Lament each trace it bears away; The lonely heart its grief may pour O’er cherished friendship’s fast decay. Yet when all track is lost and gone, The waves dance bright and gaily ou; l’hus soon a Section’s bonds are torn, And even love forgets to mourn. Prayer ala Mode. Give me an eye to others’ failings blind (Miss Smith’s new bonnet’s quite a fright be hind!) M ake in me charity for the suffering poor— (There comes that contribution plate once more!) Take from my soul all feelings covetous— (l 11 have a shawl like that or make a fuss!) Let love for all my kind my spirit stir— (Save Mrs. Jones ! I’ll never speak to her!) Let me in Truth’s fair pages take delight— (l’ll read the other novel through to-night!) Make me contented with my earthly state— (l wish I’d married rich! Hut it’s too late!) Give me a heart of faith in all my kind— (Mrs. Brown’s as big a hypocrite as you’ll find!) Help me to sec myself as others see— (This dress is quite becoming unto me!) Let me act out no falsehood, I appeal— (l wonder if they think these curls are real ?) Make my heart of humility the fount— (How glad 1 am our pew’s so near the front!) Fill me with patience and give strength to wait; (1 know he’ll preach until our dinner’s late!) Take from my heart each grain of self-conceit— (l ’m sure the gentlemen must think me sweet!) Let saintly wisdom be my daily food— (I wonder what they’ll have for dinner good!) Let not my feet ache in the road to light— (Nobody knows liow these shoes pinch and bite!) In this world teach me to deserve the next— (Church out! Charles, do you recollect the text?) Counting Chickens. The reason people count their chick ens before they are hatched is because it is easier. Mr. Benson, on Crafton street, found a dead hen back of his barn, Saturday morning. He suspected it was one of his fowls, but he was not cer tain, and the only way to ascertain, he thought, was to count his flock, which numbered sixteen. He gathered them together with a few flakes'of cold pan cakes, and commenced counting. “One, two, three—four, five six— seven . One two three, four, five —, six . One, two, three, four—, five, six, seven, eight—, nine— ten , eleven—pshaw! One, two, t h ree, fo u r—fou r—fou r good n ess gracious! One, two three, four five, six, seven seven— seven —seven thunder and lighting! Oue, two, three one, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight—nine ten, eleven —elev—blast ve, standstill! One t two—two—two, three, four four—four—four—O ye will ye? ye will, ye will, ye will,” he suddenly screamed, choking with pass ion, and jumping up and down in a per fect estaev of rage. Then he dove after a clothes-pole, and bore down on the frightened and fleeing hens like a whirl wind, scattering the yard with feathers, and filling the air w ith the shrieks of the crazed bipeds; and never ceased the at tack until every hen was out of sight. He don't know yet whether that hen is his. —Danbury Newt. CRAWFORD, GEORGIA, FRIDAY MORNING, MARCH 19, 1875. COMING TO WOO. When Aunt Philinda wont away, the last thing she said to me was : “I’m going tb send somebody down to ! see you afore long, an’ I hope youM j act like a sensible girl, an’ not stand in | your own light. He’s smart as the ave- I ridge, an’ he’s got the best farm I know on ; anywhere in the section o’ country. You couldn’t do better.” I hadn’t the faintest idea that she would do as she said; but I began to believe she meant business when I re ceived the following letter: Dear Niece Mariar: I’ve told Mr. Green about you, an' he’s goin’ to come down to your place next week. I do hope you’ll like ban, for a better husban’ never lived than he’d make you. Afore Mehetabel—that was his first wife—died, he was one of the best providers I ever seed, an’ the Lord knows he’s had to be sence, for that sister of his’n that keeps house for him is awful wasteful. He’s considerable took up with you from my deseripshun, an’ I know he’ll like you. Any l>od\ that’s smart an’ capable can do well to marry him. The children are purty l*ehaved, an’ take after their father. Now don’t think he won’t suit you ’cause he ain’t fixt up like a young man. He’s worth a dozen voung men, fur’s property’s concerned, an’ Meheta bel used to say he was awful lovin’. Do be a sensible girl, Mariar, an’ not stand in your own light. From your affectionate aunt,* Philinda. “ For goodness sake !” I exclaimed, when I had read the letter through to sister Jane. “ What shall I do ? Here it’s Monday, and the letter ought to have been here last week. He’s likely to happen along any time. Such an old fool as Aunt Philinda is ! The idea of my marrying an old widower, with half a dozen children.” “ But they’re ‘ purty behaved,’ and ‘ take after their father,’ ” said Jane, wiping the tears from her eyes, and hardly able to talk from laughing. “And he’s awful lovin’!” “ I don’t want any of his loving ways round me,” says I, indignantly. “I won’t speak to him. She might have known better. I think it a regular in sult.” “ I'll tell you what,” cried Jane, her eyes luminous with a brilliant idea. <4 Let me pretend that I’m you. “ I’ll be Maria for the time being, and vou be Jane.” “ What good’ll that do ?” I asked. “ Ever so much,” answered she. “ Fa ther and mother won’t be back for four or five days, and I can tire him out be fore that time. I’ll be deaf! Won’t that be splendid? I won’t be able to bear anything lower than a shout,” “ I’m agreeable to the plan,” I said. And Jane began to make preparations for her wooer. She combed down her hair smoothly on each side of her face, and put on mother’s old mohair cap. Then she added spectacles, and arranged herself in an antiquated old dress. When she had finished her toilet she looked old maidisli, I assure vou. I laughed till I cried. About three o’clock there came a rap at the - door. “It’s him, I’ll bet!” cried Jane. “If j it is, remember I’m Maria, and can’t hear you unless you talk very loud.” I went to the door and opened it. There stood Mr. Green, I was sure. He had on his Sunday best, evidently, ami very comical lie looked in it, anil very uncomfortable he felt, judging from his actions. He was wiping his face with a huge red and yellow handkerchief. “ I’m Mr. Green,” he said, making a bow and introducing himself at the same time. “ I came to see Miss Mariar Law ton. Bevon her?” “ She’s expecting you ; she’s in the par lor. Come in,” I said, choking with laughter. “ You’ll have to talk a little louder than usual, for she’s a trifle deaf.” “Deaf!” exclaimed Mr. Green. “ Your aunt didn’t mention that.” By that time we were at the parlor door. Jane was all expectation, and did look so comical that I thought I should have to laugh or die. But I managed to keep my face tolerablv straight while I introduced them. “ Maria, this is Mr. Green !” shouted I, in a shrill key, puting my mouth close to her ear. “ A little louder,” said she, and I shouted “Mr. Green” an octave higher. The poor man looked terribly disap pointed. His fancy had not painted her in true colors, evidently. “ Ah, yes, Mr. Green,” said Jane, fairly beaming with delight. “ How do you do ?” and she shook the poor gen tleman’s hand energetically. “ Jane, get Mr. Green a chair. Put it here by the side of mine, so that he can talk to me. I’m happy to see you, sir. Aunt Philinda spoke of you in very compli mentary terms, indeed.” “ I’m glad of that,” said Mr. Green, sinking into the chair. “ Eh ? what did you say ?” said Jane, turning her ear toward him. “A trifle louder, if you please.” Mr. Green repeated his remark, while I retired to the window to laugh. “ Avery fine day?” he added. “ Good crop of iiay ? I’m glad of it,” responded Jane. “ I’m greatly interest ed in farm matters, Mr. Green.” “ I said the weather was fine,” cor rected Mr. Green. “ When’ll Ibe yours? Whv, you’re so sudden, Mr. Green !” exclaimed* Jane, pretending to blush. “I don’t reallv feel as if I knew you yet. And yet, my hearts tells me that you are an affinity,” and then the wicked girl leaned mostLe witchingly upon the uneasy man, who looked at me appealingly. “ I didn’t say that,” he shouted. “ I spoke about the weather.” “Yes; I hope we’ll be happy togeth er,” said Jane, pensively. “ Oh, Mr. Green, if you knew how I have longed for the companionship of some heart like yours these many years,” and then shenroceeded to shed unseen tears in her handkerchief. Mr. Green was touched. “She’s awful affecksbunafce, ain't she ?” he said to me. “ I wish she wasu’t so a>\iul deef. ban t anything be done for her?” Oh, you won’t mind that, after a lit tle,” said I, cheerfully. “We don’t.” “ 1 dunno’ ’bout that,” said Mr. Green doubtfully. “We couldn’t never have no secrets,’cause the neighbors ’d heer ’em ’fore shedid, if I went to teliin’ her any. Don t seem to me’s if I ever see anybody quite so deef as she is.” “Talk to me,” said Jane, who had dried her eyes. “ Tell me all about vour children. I know I shall take so much comfort with them. Bless their souls.” 1 hereupon Mr. Green began his family history away up in the higher octaves, and I got so nearly deafened at his shouting that I had to leave the room. I sat down on the hack steps and laugh ed for half an hour. When I stopped I could hear him shouting still, but I fan cied he Was getting hoarse. . Jaro talking all the after noon. I never saw any one quite so re lieved as he was when I announced that supper was in’ readiness. Jane fastened herself upon him, and accompanied him to the supper-table. “ It’s such an awful pity about her,” said the poor man to me, regretfully. “She’s got a wonderful affeckshunate way, an’ she’s awful anxious to be Miss Green ; but,” and there Mr. Green stop ped, dubiously, “ I know’d an old wo man who was so deef that when it thun dered once, she thought someone was knockin’ an’ hollered ‘come in ;’ an’ she didn’t begin to be as deef as she is, no, not begin. I don’t s’pose you’d be willin’ to settle down on a farm, now, would you ?” hopefully. “Oh, I couldn’t think of such a thing,” I answered. “ Maria’s the wife for a farmer. She takes such an interest *n such matters.” “That’s a fact,” said Mr. Greeu. “I dun’ no when I’ve seen a woman more interested than she is. I swan’ I’d give twenty-five dollars if ’twould cure her, an’ up our way we can get a good cow for that price.” Mr. Green had got so used to talking to Jane that he had forgotton that I was not deaf, and shouted the last sentence at me. “You say you're fond of rice ? Oh, so ami,” said Jane, delightedly. “Jane,” to me, “ you put some on to cook after supper; we’ll have some for breakfast.” “ Don’t put yourself out for me,” shouted Mr. Green. “ Wish you had some for tea, did you say? I wish so, too.” Jane smiled another tender smile at her suitor, and sipped her tea slowly, smiling at him every time he looked at her. “ Where’s your folks ?” lie asked, sud denly, as if he had just thought of them. “\es, it is a good plan,” answered Jane, nodding her head appreciatively. “ Geese always ought to wear pokes. If they don’t, they’ll get into the garden and eat everything up.” “ I asked after your father an’ moth er,” shouted Mr. Green, with awful em phasis, and turning red in the face with the exertion. “ Let me see,” said Jane, thoughtfully. “Henry Bascomb’s brother? No, Mr. Green, I don’t think I ever knew him.” “Oh, dear,” groaned Air. Green. “She gets deofer and deefer. I can’t marry her. What if I wanted to say anything to her in the dead o’ night? I’d have to wake the hull house up to make her hear. It’s an awful pity, I swan.” Jane kept him shouting at her all the evening, under the beaming effulgence of her smile. I never laughed so much in my life before. He came into the kitchen next morn ing, where I was getting breakfast. “I’m so hoarse I can hardly talk loud,” he said, mournfully. “ I like her. She’s smart, naturally, an’ seems willin’, an’ she wants to get married as bad as any woman I ever saw ; but she’s too deef! I guess I won’t stop to break fast, ’cause it’ll only make her more set on havin’ me, an’ I can’t make such a sacrifice for the sake o’ anybody. If you’d only think favorable ’bout it, I’d say. Couldn’t you, now, s’pose?” with a very tender smile. “ Not for a minute,” said I. And seeing that there was no hope, Mr. Green took his departure. Aufit Philinda evidently saw through the state of affairs, as reported to her by Mr. Green, for she hasn’t been visiting since. I wonder if lie’s still single? How Bar Room Liquors are Made. —There may be seen daily, on Chestnut street, says the Philadelphia Bulle tin, a roan dressed in faultless apparel, with a great diamond upon his breast, endeavoring to outglitter the magnificent solitaire on his finger. In a German university he learned chemistry, and not even Liebig knows it better. His occu pation is mixing and the adulteration of liquors. Give him a dozen casks of deodorized alcohol, and the next day each of them will represent the name of a genu ine w r ine or a popular spirit. He enters a wholesale drug store, bearing a large basket upon his arm. Five pounds of iceland moss are first weighed out to him. To raw liquors this imparts a degree of smoothness and oleaginousness that gives to imitation of brandy the glib uess of that which is most matured. An astringent called catechu, that w ould al most close the mouth of a glass inkstand, is next in order. A couple of ounces of strychnine, next called for, and quickly conveyed to the vest pocket, and a pound of white vitriol is as silently placed in the bottom of the basket. The oil of cognac, the sulphuric acid, and other articles that gave fire and body to the liquid poisou are always kept in store. The mixer buys these things in various quarters. Mr. Editor! Who wrote “Shivering on the River’s Brink ? ” Dip. We forget the name, but he belonged to the Baptist denomination. CONDENSED NEWS ITEMS. In Nevada it is proposed to make Sun day a legal holiday. The war in Cuba is still raging with the utmost ferocity. Over $175,000 is missing from the treasury of Plymouth Church. Tite rate of messages by the Atlaqjic cable is fitty cents per word, gold. The french government has ordered 10,000 cavalry horses from Germany. The amount which Spain is to pav for shooting the Virginius crew is $84,000. The excavations of Pompeii continue, and new discoveries are constantly being made. A religious outbreak in Mexico is feared, and the excitement there is in tense. Bonanza, a Spanish term, signifies true goodness, or in the vernacular, a bur thing. ° The Grand Duke Alexis starts on an other cruise around the earth this com ing spring. One of Gov. Jewell’s daughters is a teacher in a negro mission school in Washington. John Bunyan is charged with having plagiarized “Pilgrim’s Progress” from the Dutch. Kerosene has been discovered in lowa, and oil wells are going down in every direction. Squirrels destroy a million dollars worth of grain in Contra Costa eounty, Cal., every year. A negro male child was recently born in Bowling Green, Ky., with a w*ell-de veloped set of teeth. “Thank God, I was born in New Eng land!” exclaimed Henry Wilson. Geor gia is just as thankful, Henry. The factories at the North are running on half time, to permit the operatives to catch up with the Beecher trial. The subscription 0f515,000 additional to the Elberton Air-Line Railroad will complete that enterprise by next Octo ber. Lands at Mellonville, Fla., which sold for fifty cents per acre four years ago, are now selling for SSO and $75 per acre. New York has a million of inhabit ants, and ninety of them die per week of starvation. There is more suffering there now than for thirty years. Several large mercantile firms in New Y r ork are reported in financial dis tress because of the extreme difficulty of making collections. Connecticut is the next State on the voting list. Voting for Governor, Legis lature and Congressmen will take place on the first Monday in April. George Washington Jinks, a col ored barber, was up before the pol'ce court for cutting down a neighbor’s cher ry trees. History will repeat itself. The Methodist Church has three and quarter million members in this country, and some of them are urging that tobac co chewing be forbidden by the church. We are glad to learn that Gen. John C. Breekenridge has recovered from a severe attack, and will soon resume the duties of his profession at Lexington, Ky. Since the passage by Congress of the bill for the resumption of specie pay ments in 1879, gold which was then 111, i has advanced to 115, and remains steady i at the latter figures. The buildings of the Centennial position at Philadelphia will cover twen ty acres, and it is proposed to erect an elegant railway therein for the accom modation of visitors. The eucalyptus tree is being introdu ced in sickly localities. It is said to ab sorb the malarious vapors of damp cli mates. The Mayor of New Orleans has advertised for propositions to cultivate groves of them. A careful housewife in Altoona put an $lB order and a $lO greenback into the drawer of the coffee-mill last Wed nesday for safe-keeping. Thursday morning the family enjoyed a S2B cup of coffee. The Newcastle Chronicle gives an ac count of a donkey belonging to Thomas Newton, which was attacked by rats and nearly devoured. Think ofan American mule being injured by rats, or even lightning. An English fleet bombarded and took a fort on the island of Mombaz, recently. The place is connected with the East African slave trade, which the English are rooting out. Two slavers were cap tured with 300 slaves on board, who were thus emancipated. According to the latest accounts, two thirds of the mills in East Tennessee, w’ith barns, houses, fences and much grain, have been destroyed by the flood. The loss in Cocke county is estimated at $200,000, and it is thought that the losses in the State will amount to a million. There is a woman in Danville, Va., who has given birth to four children at three separate births within fifteen months, and all the children are living and well. If there is a parallel case any where in the ivorld we should like to hear of it. When Mr. Peter Weber, of Chicago, was called into his wife’s room the other dav, at the close of the most exciting episode of her life, and the clothes were turned down disclosing a quartette of little female Webers,he exclaimed,“ Mien Gott in Himmel, Katrine, vy you don’t bud a shtop to dis buznws?”* VOL. 1-NO. 24. DEVILTRIES. The fast young man’s aim in life is towards the spittoon. It is enough for me thing at u time to happen, especially twins. It is useless to say when most peo ple darn they don’t use the needle. „ —■—hv is Phil Sheridan like the CjuU of Mexico? Because he lies about Louisiana. Spilfcins says that every newspa per lie takes home serves to make a bus tle iu his family. An Omaha girl broke her back the other day while making up her bed. An awful warning. “ Yes,” remarked Jap Hopkins,“us bhakspeare truly observed, “ who steals my purse gets thrashed !” said a teacher to a pupil. “ Your whole demeanor is a continued misdemeanor.” ——lt is an interesting matter for dis cussion, what a young man ought to do with his upper lip when there’s nothing on it. A Sunday-school girl was asked concerning “the pestilence that walketh in darkness,” and answered: “ I irues* it’s bed-bugs.” * to be so weak ?” said a fop to a gentle man. “ They are in a weak plaee,” re plied the latter. rapidly in style now, it is said. This novel wedding takes place when the “ first-born” is old enough to spank. Mrs. Partington fell on the ice last week and dislocated the incubus of her right arm, causing an inglosis of her ver batur, besides hurting her somewhatly— so she says. An Irish school-master recently informed his pupils that the feminine gender should be applied to all ships and vessels afloat, except mail steamers and men-of-war. troit woman to her fourth husband, tu she took a handful of hair from his head because he objected to hang out tho week’s washing. ——ln all this world of woe ean it he possible to imagine another retribution so stern, so awful, so justy,as that exhib ited in the marriage of a life insurance ageut to a book-canvasser. A new hat is readv for the editor who wrote, “ There is a skater in Maine who can write a promissory note on the ice, in such perfection that the sun will liquidate it at or before maturity.” V r “ Wed de ho.” “ Where’s the hoe ?” “ Wid de rake.” “But where in the thunder are they both ?” “ Boof toged der. ’Pears to me you’s berrv ’ticlar ’dis mornia’.” Were you to write on a card the words.: “ Wanted—A man,” and place the inscription on a Chicago gir.’s bustle, it would not begin to convey the idea as well as their general appearance, actions and conversation. *A very religious old lady teing asked her opinion of the organ of a church, the first time she had ever heard one, replied : “ It’s a very pretty box of whistles, but, oh ! it’s an awful way to ■spend the Sabbath.” A woman in New Hampshire had an accurate print of a juniper tree print ed on her thigh by a flash of lightning. The editor who chronicled the event has had a lively time explaining to his wife how lie discovered the item. A country pastor said to one of his feminine congregation, “Are you hap py ?” “ Yes, sir,” she replied ; “ I feel as though I were in Beelzebub’s bosom.” “ Not in Beelzebub’s!” Well, some of the old patriarchs ; I don’t care which!” A few weeks since a Chicago drummer saw a young lady plowing a field in Illinois. He stopped to ask: “ When do you begin cradling?” “ Not till heads are better filled than yours,” was the sententious reply. The young man rode on. ——A precocious boy in an Athens family was asked which was the greater evil of the two, hurting another’s feel ings or his finger. He said the former. “ Right, my dear child,” said the grati fied questioner ; “ and why is it worse to hurt the feelings?” “ Because you can’t tie a rag around them,” explained the dear child.” A subscriber to a paper died a few days ago, leaving four years’ subscription unpaid. The editor appeared at the grave when the lid was being screwed down the last time and put in the coffin a palm-leaf fan, a linen coat and a ther mometer. which is only used in warm climates. - girls attending a seminarv in Illinois set two chickens fighting in their room last Sunday. Bets on the result ran high, and at the conclusion of the contest the winning maiden was better by a gold watch a pair of silk stockings, a French corset, two rolls of false hair, a patent bustle, and a beautiful book mark with “ Christ our guide” worked ou it in colored silk. The barber who told us about it didn’t seem to like it. A poor exile of Erin, hungry and cold, entered his shop yesterday, ate, with the brush, a cup of lather, dug out the soap ball at the bot tom of the cup, ate that, and sat down to warm his feet. Then an astonished ob server mustered his scattered wits and asked : “ How did you like your luneb ?” says Pat: “ The custard was illegant, but my soul. I b’lave the egg was a little too tong in the watber.”