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uY THE JACKSON COUNTY }
PUBLISHING COMPANY. \
VOLUME I.
ffc ffirori
rnsLIfTIKB EVERY SATURDAY,
|hr jiickxon ©o ii 11 1 y l*nl>iiliin;>
Coiiipiiiiy.
jEA'FFAISOX, JACKS OX COGA.
* x. W. COB. PI'BLIC SQUARE, UP-STAIRS.
MALCOM STAFFORD,
managing and business editor.
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Address all communications for publication and
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MAIJCOM STAFFORD,
Managing and Business Editor.
jUjiSiHiiiuil' Sc Jiusiuess (Tunis.
DR. C. R. GILES
nFFKIIS his professional services to the citizens
of.Jefferson and vicinity. Can be found at
ii?late residence ofDf\ 11. J. Long.
Jan. 22. 187G —tf
STILL ON HAND!
N. B. STARK,
IVIDT ami Shoe maker, at the old and well-
I) known corner, Northwest of the Court House,
'aider the Forest News office, is still ready to
make to order or repair Boots and Shoes of all
sirs, shapes and qualities. CHE A P FOR CASH.
•January 29th. 1875.
ST AXL EY & PINSON,”
JEFFERS OX, GA.,
DF.AId.US in Dry Hoods and Family Groce
ries. New supplies constantly received.
1 heap for Cash. Call and examine their stock.
Medical Notice.
I*l. O. Gl( vr having located in Jcffer
-1 si'ii for the purpose of practicing Medicine,
-I'l'i'tfully tenders his services to the citizens of
>wu and county in all the different branches
profession. After a flattering experience
Z 1 nineteen years, he feels jnstitied in saying that
, :I ' is prepared to successfully treat any curable
■ v easo incident to our climate. He is, for the
' nt. hoarding with Judge John Simpkins, but
nmve his family here soon.
"■With Col. J. A. B. Mahaffcy.
can he seen in the office of T. 11.
• Esq., C. S. C. octlt)
MRS. t7a. ADAMS;
street . one door above National Bank,
ATHENS ' C3-A.,
\ 1 s constantly on hand an extensive stock
lv ■; SEASONABLE MILLINERY GOODS,
in 'ing. in part, the latest styles and fashions
bailie** Itouucfs. Itibboiis,
" , s . 1 lowers Gloves, Ae., which will be
c reasonable prices. Orders from the coun-
pPomptly tilled. Give her a call. dlß3m
p w.\ iiafeey. vv. s. m'carty.
JUHAFFEY & McCARTY,
1 A T TO R KEYS AT LAW,
•1 KFFEHSON, JACKSON Go. Ga..
C n dee anywhere for money. Prompt at-’
~"en to all business entrusted to their
atiunage solicited. Oct JO ly
. ' ■ ’ Howard. itoß'r s. Howard.
1 (! " 'RS* A IIOH AKIK
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
tv- . Jefferson, Ga.
, ti e together in all the Courts of Jack
't a nacent counties, except the Court of
°t -Jackson county. Sept Ist '7-">
Ij, WWW,
-U|,. w rn . l .MAKER AND JEWELER,
• ' in. King's Drug Store, Deupree Block,
1 All work done in a superior manner,
i jv... , .' a i to give satisfaction. Terms, posi-
J ulylo-6m.
I), * • "dl l’OUI), Vt toriicy at Lnv,
V . BELTON, GA.,
/ piactiee in all the adjoining Counties, and
4 ~; u. and' 1 attention to all business entrusted to
j,,p*,Gollecting claims a specialty.
'•’di. 1573. ]y
iS* ° lKE *s
x u.;';, NKss maker, jkfferson, ga.
Wliinii 1 " and wagon harness always
repairing same, bridles, saddles, Ac.,
no^ct h and cheap for cash.
! Oj)yi, ' ;
. I-,-’ J. B. SIIiMAN,
Ui,. '''"ton, Ga. Jefferson, Ga.
T 1 A SIIAIIA,
,h]M attorneys-at-law.
. aUiee together in the Superior Courts of
jiivf) JAekson and Walton.
v,. 1 ; 'L
' % 'Aitoruey sil l,aw,
"•‘-a-si,; n M ' :Hsox * JACKSON CO.. GA.
‘ r ' 'ant ! *' le ° urts i State and Federal.
“f 1,.* j i Worongh attention given to all
‘the- business in Jackson and adjoining
* June 12, 1875’
THE FOREST NEWS.
The People their own Rulers; Advancement in Education, Science, Agriculture and Southern Manufactures.
SELECT MISCELLANY.
The Stream that Hurries By.
AN UNPUBLISHED POEM BY THE AUTHOR OF
“THE COLLEGIANS,”
1.
1 lie stream that hurries by yon fixed shore
Returns no more;
T he wind that dries at morn yon dewy lawn
Breathes, and is*gone ;
i hose withered fiow'rs to summer's ripening glow
No more shall blow ;
I hose fallen leaves that strew yon garden bed
For aye are dead.
2.
Of laugh, of jest, of mirth, of pleasure past,
Nothing shall last;
On shore, on sea. on hill, on vale, on plain,
Naught shall remain ;
Of all for which poor mortals vainly mourn,
Naught shall return ;
Rife hath his hour in heav’n and earth beneath,
And so hath Death.
3.
Not all the chains that clank in eastern clime
Can fetter Time ;
For all the phials in the doctor’s store
Youth comes no more ;
No drug on age’s wrinkled check renews
Life’s early hues;
Not all the tears by pious mourners shed
Can wake the dead.
4.
For all Spring gives, and Winter fakes again,
We grieve in vain ;
Vainly for sunshine fled and joys gone b}',
We heave the sigh ;
On, ever on, with unexhausted breath,
Time hastes to Death;
Even with each word we speak, a moment flies,
Is born, and dies.
•>.
If thus, through lesser Nature's empire wide
Nothing abide, —
If wind, and wave, and leaf, and sun and flow’r,
Have each their hour, —
lie walks on ice whosy dallying spirit clings
To earthly things ;
And he alone is wise whose well-taught love
Is fixed above.
Truths firm as bright, but oft to mortal ear
Chilling and drear,
Harsh as the raven’s croak the sounds that tell
Of pleasure’s knell:
Pray, reader, that at least the minstrel's strain
Not all be vain ; [knee.
And when thou bend’st to God the suppliant
Remember me !
Pallas r, Oct. 1836. Gerald Griffin.
The Road to a Father’s Heart--How a
Young Man Got a Wife.
Jacob Bliven is a young man who lived in
Alleghany; lie was desperately in love with
Amelia S , and Amelia was said to fully
reciprocate the youth’s attachment. Jacob
thought it was time to broach the subject to
Amelia's father, who was unaware that I Riv
en's uncle had died two weeks before, leaving
Jake a handsome legacy. The young man,
with Amelia on his arm came into the awful
presence of the father.
* Good evening. Mr. S. said Blivens,
hesitatingly, while Amelia grew scarlet.
‘Eh !' exclaimed the old gentleman, look
ing np, and his prophetic soul telling him
what was coining.
4 What's this?’
‘Why, Amemlia and me— ’
* Amelia !' interrupted the old gentleman.
‘ By dad ! how the young dogs do get famil
iar on short acquaintance ; it was Miss Ame
lia a week ago.’
‘ Yes, sir! but things have changed since
last week,' said Blivens, boldly, ‘an’ we’ve
come to ask your consent —’
‘Diabolical wretch 1 ’
Amelia here commenced her part by stop
ping the old man’s mouth with a kiss.
‘ Y'our consent,’ continued Blivens, taking
Amelia by the hand and kneeling at the
‘stern parent's feet, 'to be joined in the bonds
of ’
‘ Pernicious caitiff! Out of my house,’
cried Mr. S. , wildly. ‘D’ye think my
daughter shall marry a beggar?,
‘ Oh, just hold a minute ; you git mad so
easy that nobody can tell you nothin,’ said
poor Blivens. ‘My uncle died ’
‘ And what the deuce did he die for?* said
Mr. 8 .
* I didn't ask him, sir ; but bein’ as he is
dead, and Amelia loves me, and ’
‘ Mendacious parvenu ! Do you love this
villain, Amelia?’
‘ Y r es papa,’ replied the fair Amelia, blush
ingly*'
‘ i'll disown you for it,’ said Mr. 8 .
‘I expected greater things of you."
• Well, as I was saving,’ Blivens went on.
‘she loves me an’ I love her, an we both
love each other, an’ we want your consent.’
This was very bold in Blivens, and the old
man didn't answer. Amelia looked hopeful
ly at her Jake, and Jake looked anxiously
at Amelia's papa.
4 And if you did marry her, what have you
got in the way of furniture?’ at length said
Mr. Smith ; ‘a paper collar and a boiled shirt,
I suppose?’
4 No, sir ; I’ve got a box and live shirts,’
replied Jacob, after a moment’s hesitation,
•besides ten thousand dollars that my uncle
left me. and —’
‘What! my dear Jacob! Why, my dear
boy, bless your heart, why the deuce didn’t
you so before?’ cried the old man, shaking
Blivens by the hand.
‘ Here, Amelia*; take her, young man, and
may heaven bless you both.’
It is reported that Mr. Smith has asked
his son-in-law for a loan ot nine thousand
dollars, and that Jake has refused and taken
his wife to New York, where he intends to
be free from father-in-lawism. —Pittsburg
Leader.
The second annual convention of the
Georgia Young Men’s Christian association
will be held in Atlanta, beginning on the
twenty-first day of April. Distinguished
ministers from other states are expected,
and we have reason to believe that the
attendance will be unusually large.
The crib of Mr. J. C. Reid, near Eatonton,
was burned Thursday night last, with 400
bushels of corn and seven or eight stacks of
fodder.
A negro named Jerry Davis, charged with
assault with intent to murder, escaped from
Covington jail the other morning.
JEFFERSON, JACKSON COUNTY, GA., SATURDAY. MARCH 11,1876.
Young Man, Whose House are You Shinq
ling?
[Bcene, Whiskey-Shop. — Time, Midnight.']
shop-keeper and wife.
M ife—“ I wish that man would go home if
lie has one to go to.”
Shop-keeper—“ Hush! lmsh! he'll call for
something to drink directly.”
"\\ ife—“ I wish he would make haste about
it, then, for it’s time every honest man was
in bed.”
Shop-keeper—“ He's taking the shingles off
his own house and putting them on ours.”
At this time James began to come to his
right senses, and commenced rubbing his
eyes, and stretching himself as if he had just
awoke, said :
“ I believe I will go.”
“ Don’t be in a lnury, James,” said the
whiskey-seller.
“ Oh ! yes, T must go,” said James, and he
started.
After an absence of some time the whiskey
seller accosted him with:
“ Halloo, Jim, why ain’t you been down to
see us ?”
“Why, I had taken so many shingles off
my house it began to leak, so I thought it
time to stop the leak, and I have done it,”
said James.
The whiskey-seller and his wife were aston
ished. James is now a happy man, and his
wife and children are happy, too.
Now, young man, whose house are you
shingling ?
O O
Measuring by the Eye.
Y'ears ago, says a correspondent of the
Boston Transei'ipt, when we went to school
in a little weather-beaten school-house, what
exciting contests there used to be over the
teacher’s favorite exercise of having the
scholars estimate with the eye the size and
weight of different objects in the room ! lie
would hold up his cane, and have each one
tell how long he thought it was, and it was a
lucky child that could come within half a
foot of the right length. lie would measure
an urchin and then have the scholars try to
approach the measure on the wall. He would
mark off an inch or a foot or a yard in some
conspicuous place, and then see how near
anybody could come te chalking the same
length upon the black board. And it was
astonishing how wide astray one would go.—
The fact is, our eyes deceive us ridiculously
even upon the commonest things. At first
thought, which should you say was the taller,
a three-3 T ear-old child or a flour barrel ? and
could anything but actual measurement con
vince you that the same child is half as tall
as a sixfooter ? There is an old saying that
s child two years old is half as tall as lie ev
er will be ; and after a few experiments in
measuring one can easily believe it, but not
before.
The Cabinet Situation.
A special dispatch to the New York Post
says : “ There is no change in regard to the
Cabinet situation, but developments may be
looked for within forty-eight hours. It is the
opinion of persons who are in a position to
know the exact situation that a crisis is im
minent in regard to the Secretaryship of the
Treasury. Up to the present time there are
no indications that the President has even
intimated to Mr. Bristow that lie would like
to have his resignation, but the latter's
friends are prepared to hear that the Presi
dent has done so at anytime. Solicitor Blu
ford Wilson is still at his desk, and says he
is entirely indifferent as to whether he is re
quested to resign or not, and that he has
nothing to fear, but shall continue to follow
in the line of duty pursued in the past. In
fact, the impression left on the minds of those
who have conversed with Air. Wilson is that
he rather invites removal, and is preparing
himself for such an event.”
Decisions in the Court of Claims.
Washington, Feb. 28. —1n the Court of
Claims it was contended that the reference
of the Chorpening claim by Congress to the
Postmaster-General and his decision that be
tween four and five hundred thousand dollars
were due claimant, constituted an award.
The Court of Claims denies this, and an
appeal will be taken to the Supreme Court.
Raymond vs. Thomas : from Carolina. In
this case it is held that the war of the rebel
lion terminated in South Carolina the 2d of
April, 1867, and that military officers remain
ing in command there between that date and
the return of the State to the Union had no
authority under the acts of March and July,
1867. to annul a decree of a Court of Equity
of the State, lienee such an order made by
Gen. Canby was an arbitary stretch of au
thority and was popularly disregarded b} r
the Court below. Affirmed. No other South
ern cases decided.
intelligent black boy was trudging
along a highway at night in the vicinity of
Palestine, Texas. 'There was a negro woman
riding a horse in the same direction the bo}*
was going. The two, or rather three —two
negroes and the horse —were in company.
The intelligent black boy reappeared in Pal
estine that night out of breath and as pale
as he could get. He said he saw a ball of
fire come out of the skv, and strike the wo
man and set her ablaze. The horse ran one
way with the woman afire on his back, and
he ran back to town to tell the people what
had happened. The people went to look after
further particulars of this curious incident.
They found the woman lying on the ground
with all her clothing burned off, but with
life enough in her to tell that she had been
struck in the breast by a ball of fire. The
horse was found with his mane singed, and
the woman died next day. The people think
she was hit by a meteor.
How for Europe is form the millenium
may be judged from the announcement made
by a competent authority that 7,000,000 men
are, or soon will be. under arms on the con
tinent. Russia is to have 2,000,000, France
and Germany 1,500,000 each, and Austria
and Italy 1.000,000 each. The English are
reorganizing their army, and the feasibility
of conscription or compulsory military
service is being seriously discussed by the
leading En n,,; "h iouruals.
A Man Killed by a Mouse.
An extraordinary occurrence was brought
to light at an inquest held on the body of a
man in South London. In a work-room where
many young girls were at work a small mouse
suddenly made its appearance on a table,
causing, of course, considerable commotion
and a general stampede. The intruder was
seized, however, by a young man who hap
pened to be present, but the mouse slipped
out of his hand, and, running up his sleeve,
came out between his waist-coat and shirt at
the neck. The unfortunate man had his mouth
opened, and the mouse, on the lookout for
some convenient place of concealment, enter
ed the man’s mouth, and he, in his fright and
surprise, swallowed it. That a mouse can
exist for a considerable time without much
air has long been a popular belief, and was
unfortunately proved to be a fact in the pres
ent instance, tor the mouse began to tear and
bite inside the man’s throat and chest, and
the result was that the unfortunate* fellow
died after a little time in horrible agony. Sev
eral witnesses corroborated the above facts,
and medical testimony as to the cause of
death having been given, a verdict of “acci
dental death” was returned.
Moderate Drinking.
An eminent divine (Rev. Wm. Goodell)
thus declares in reference tothe various shades
of drinking:
“ Which is most destructive of health and
life, drunkenness or moderate drinking ? But
what are the facts ? A man ma\ r get as
drunk as some do once a month, vomit out
the poison, sleep off the effects and be sober
all the rest of the month, drinking nothing
till the fit comes on again. Such a man may
do more business, do it better, preserve bet
ter health and live longer than the ‘moderate’
drinker, who never gets drunk, never vomits
out the poison—keeps it within him, adding
a little to it daily till it undermines his* con
stitution, so that he readily falls a prey to all
manner of diseases without vitality enough
to recover from them. He dies a ‘moderate’
drinker, never suspected of intemperance,
much less ranked among the drunkards, yet
losing his life in consequence of his ‘mod
erate’ drinking. Scientific and experienced
physicians entertain tiicse views, and are of
opinion that more than half of those who die
in consequence of drinking alcoholic liquors,
die before they become confirmed and down
right drunkards.”
The Dying Legislature.
We looked in on the Legislature on
Wednesday. It was the last. What con
fusion ! The one desire seemed to be to get
off. Some left on the noon train, some at
ten that night. All got away next day.
\\ ell, we are glad it is over. Some good
was done, but not a great deal. But little
harm, we hope.
Our old friend, Col. Peterson Thweatt,
tried hard to get the Legislature to allow
him to sue the State for his claim. But it
was voted down by a large majority. They
refused to let- him make a speech before the
House, setting forth his claim. One member
said the Colonel reminded him of the “unfor
tunate” widow spoken of in the Bible. We
presume he intended to say the importunate
icidoic. Another fellow said Col. Thweatt’s
proposition to be allowed to make a speech
to the Legislature was next to the most
unreasonable request he ever heard of. lie
had heard of one more so. An old lady was
carrying a dog through the street; he became
very troublesome, and worried the old lady
so that she was about to give up in despair.
She hailed a stranger passing and said,
“Mister, I wish you would let this dog bite
you—it might make him easy."— Cor. Macon
Tel.
A Long Walk in His Sleep. —A Hartford
man is a most remarkable somnambulist, if
the story he tells is true, lie found himself,
on Wednesday morning, at Hayden's Station,
ten miles from his home, and said lie hadn't
the slightest recollection of making the jour
ney thither. The last moment when he was
conscious was about 11 o’clock, when lie
lighted a cigar and went to the front door.—
He had evidently walked all the way on the
railroad, and the wonder is that lie wasn't
killed, for he met three trains of cars. He
says his brother made a similar trip about a
fortnight ago, and that he had sometimes
walked about the house in his sleep.
A Panegyric on Woman.
TRcaJ directly, then read first and third and se
cond and fourth lines of each verse, and lo ! the
difference :
The bliss of him no tongue can tell,
Who in a woman doth confide ;
Who with a woman scorns to dwell
Unnumbered evils will -betide.
They make the daily path of life
A pleasant journey, strewed with flowers ;
A dreary Scene of painful strife
They quickly change with matchless powers.
Domestic joys will fast decay
Where Female influence is unknown ;
Where'er a woman holds the sway,
A man is in perfection shown.
She’s never failing to display
Truth in its native loveliness ;
A heart inclined to treachery
A woman never did possess.
That man true dignity will find
Who tries the matrimonial state :
Who pours contempt on womankind
Will mourn mPFoIIv when too late.
Street Potatoes. —Nothing is gained by
“bedding out" too early—the tubers are apt
to rot. It is better to do the work later, and
place under them some substance which will
generate a very gentle heat. In our last
volume, it will be remembered, a correspon
dent gave a plan by which "slips" might be
obtained in three weeks—putting down a
layer of stable manure direct from the stalls
—then upon this a layer of earth a few inch
es thick. On this the potatoes, and on them
a few inches of earth—the whole to be well
protected from rain, to prevent the manure
from getting wet and generating too much
heat. — Souther a Cultivator.
The Republican National Convention is
appointed to meet in the city of Cincinnati
on Wednesday, the 1 ith of June.
GLEANINGS.
Spelling for the drinks is the popular pas
time in Virginia City saloons.
A calico factory has been started at Wil
mington, N. C., the first in the South.
The United Presbyterians have now ten
churches in Egj’pt, with an average of more
than forty communicants in each.
The wreck of the emigrant ship Strathmore
is reported, with 800 coolies on board, of
whom only twenty were saved.
Dalton, Ga., nourishes the meanest thief
out. He stole the water pitcher, lamp, and
hymn book from the Presbyterian church.
rhe impeachment of Ames in Mississippi
is a tiling decided upon. The House has
passed the resolutions and appointed five
managers to conduct the trial before the
Senate.
( 01. Jones, ol the Macon Telegraph, is get
ting away with his brother editors, lie now
says that ho was once acquainted with a man
in Liberty county who ate snakes and grass
hoppers for a living.
File colored people of Washington are [ire
paring to send delegates to the convention of
colored people of the United States in Nash
ville on the sth'of April for political purpo
ses.
Exasperating. —The Nashville American
says Fred Douglass was lately refused ac
commodations in an Indianapolis hotel, and
here is Morton sitting on what’s left of his
hind legs and howling for the suffrage of the
colored voter.
San’Francisco now manufactures fire crack
ers instead of importing them “from China.
In two factories with $15,000 capital invest
ed and using raw material to the amount of
$7,500, fire crackers of the value of $30,000
were turned out last }'ear at an expense for
labor of $5,000.
After two Arkansas farmers had squander
ed $1,1*20 on the lawyers in trying to find out
who owned an old cart, they commenced
shooting, and five cents’ worth of ammuni
tion brought a satisfactory decision. “ It’s
your cart," were the last words of the plain
tiff.
A thirteen year old boy who ran away last
September from his parents in Massachusetts,
has been restored by the detectives. lie took
a SIOO bill to see the world, and visited New
York and other cities, and came as far South
as Savannah, where he made several hundred
dollars selling pictures.
At the Lad}' Washington tea party given
recently in Macon, at the residence of Mrs.
Lockett, a candlestick used by Gen. Wash
ington, at Princeton, was on exhibition, and
the assembled company there had an oppor
tunity to solve this conundrum : Where was
Gen. Washington when lie blew out the can
dle ?
The Georgia State Board of Health bill was
amended and passed without opposition.—
The Judiciary Committee have perfected it
as originally planned by Dr. Thomas, to have
county boards consisting of the Ordinary and
two physicians. The ten dollar penalty is
abolished, and five cents allowed for record
ing births, marriages and deaths.
The Lexington (S. C.,) Dispatch is inform
ed that Mr. John C. Canghman, who resides
near the line of Edgefield and Lexington
counties, killed on the loth ultimo, at one
shot, four wild turkey gobblers, weighing IG,
18, 24 and ’2h\ pounds, respectively, and a
Mr. Garner, of Beaufort county, also killed,
one day last week, four deer at one shot.
The North Carolina Conference, of the
Methodist Episcopal church, South, will cele
brate 187 G as its centennial year, and has
invited adjoining conferences to participate.
The programme includes a mass-meeting,
March 21, in the city of Raleigh, a contribu
tion of $60,000 to education, and $25,000 for
a Metropolitan church in Raleigh.
It is already perceived that the new Ger
man military system will operate disastrously
upon the country in respect to the propaga
tion of the human species. The strong, spi
rited, healthy youth stand a good chance of
being killed off in war or reduced to physical
wrecks, while the weak and diseased remain
at home, escape the recruiting officer, and
found families.
“Times are very hard in Georgia,’’ “Mou
ey is exceedingly tight.” “ Everybody is
feeling the evil effect of the fearful stringen
cy.” And yet Edwin* Booth played in the
State fourteen nights, and received twenty
six thousand dollars and a diamond ring.
Too poor to give to churches, too poor to give
to the poor, too poor to do anything but grum
ble and pay thousands to Edwin* Booth !
Poor, Georgia. —Chronicle 4* Sentinel.
The first State election of the year occurs
in New Hampshire the 14th of March, two
weeks from next Tuesday. The two political
parties arc so evenly divided there, and it
being the initial political contest of the Cen
tennial year, the result will be anticipated
with keen interest. At the last election the
Republican majority was only 172, a very
small nßirgin, which the Democrats hope to
overcome.
The Lenoir Messenger records the rather
singular death of a little son of Mr. James
Oxford. The child, by some means, had stuck
a needle in his back, just between his shoul
ders, and it remained there for some time
before it was discovered and taken out. At
first it appeared to be a matter of no conse
quence, but the wound afterwards became
inflamed, the little boy grew worse, and on
Sunday evening last died.
lie came from the country sevAi years ago,
and is now a well-to-do merchant. Last week
he wrote to the old folks, telling them he had
married a latly with a very fine voice—a
“mezzo-soprano of quite extraordinary com
pass.” Yesterday he received an answer
from the maternal side of the house, inform
ing him that his lamented aunt was afflicted
with something of that sort during her life,
but had always found relief in placing a
mustard-plaster on the sole of each foot and
i drinking a pint of catnip tea.
i TERMS, $2.00 PER ANNUM:
( SI.OO FOR SIX MONTHS.
FACTS AND FANCIES.
A\ hen you hear a man say the “world owes
him a living,*’ don't leave anything lying
around loose where he can collect it.
“ W hat is the interior of Africa principally
used for ?” asked a teacher of a pupil. “For
the purposes of exploration,” was the reply.
An old lady hearing someone say that the
mails wore irregular, remarked, “It was just
so in my younger days—no trusting any of
’em.”
“ A es, F want mv daughter to study
rhetoric,” replied a Vermont mother, “ for
she can’t fry pancakes now without smoking
the house all up.”
She asked him if her new dress wasn’t as
sweet as a spring rose, and the brute said
it was, even to the minor attraction of still
having a little due on it.
A little boy hearing the phrase that
"matches arc made in heaven,” said lie
should think that they could lie made easier
in the other place w lie re the brimstone Is.
Prayers were offered up at the Hippodrome
last week for Dana, the editor of the New
ork Sun. M hen before lias the world seen
a subl inter illustration of Christian faith?
Speaking of dancing, a Catskill clergyman
hits the nail on the head with the remark that
“ people usually do more evil with their
tongues than with toes.”
Many a man who rolls up his eyes in ter
ror at the idea of stealing a niekle will swoop
down on a silk umbrella worth $lO and march
off with his lips moving peacefully as if in
prater.
“ It doesn’t take me long to make up my
mind. I can tell you !" said a conceited fop.
It's always so where the stock of material
to make up is small,” quietly remarked a
young lady.
Upon the death of a Danbury woman, who
was a chronic borrower, an unfeeling neigh
bor observed : “ She won’t be buried there
a week before she'll be calling on the other
tenants for their flowers.'’
If you hear a person slander another, mark
that person ; the same will slander you in a
like manner when occasion offers. The slan
derer always speaks evil of those whom they
hate, be they saint or devil.
A\ illie was saying his usual evening prayer
at his mother’s knee at bed-time, ami having
got as far as “If 1 die before 1 wake,” hesi
tated. “Well, what next?” naked his moth
er. “ Why, mamma, I suppose the next thing
would be a funeral.”
A candy-store window displays, in worsted
letters, the inspiring text, “The Lord will
provide.” A boy who passes daily says it
ain't so, and “ yon can't git no candy in t here
on the credit of Providence. Nicklos is the
only stuff wat gits them gum-drops.
There is a class of people who always con
clude that when a man comes into church
late he is actuated by one two motives—
either to dodge the collection or to attract
attention. There are cases where a tight
boot or anew suit of clothes have something
to do with tardiness on such occasions.
“Has that gal got fits?” asked an old
farmer who had paused to see a young lady
go through with her calisthenic exercises in
the garden. “No,” replied the servant girl,
“that's jiminyasties.” “So,'’ said the farmer
in a pitying tone, “ poor thing ; how long lias
she had ’em ?”
A little fellow being told by a young man
to get off his knee, that he was too heavy to
hold in that way, made quite a sensation
among the persons present by yelling back,
“Too heavy, hey? Sister Sal weighs a hun
dred pounds more than T. and you held her
on your knee four hours last night.”
The second night after, her husband died
she sat by the open window five hours wait
ing for the cats to begin fighting in the back
yard. Said she, “ Hus thing of going to
sleep without a quarrel of some kind is so
new to me that I can't stand it! Let ine
alone until they begin, then I can doze off
gently !;’
A clergyman was preparing his discourse
for Sunday, stopping occasionally to erase
that which lie was disposed to disapprove,
when he was accosted by his little son, who
had numbered only five summers : “ Father,
does God tell you what to preach ?” “ Cer
tainly, mv chiid.” “Then what makes 3*oll
scratch it out ?”
A good story is loid of a well known real
estate dealer, with whom the use of business
terms in his conversation became a second
nature. lie was a widower with two chil
dren. and one evening, among a party of in
timate friends, he laughingly told a young
lady she had better marry him. “ Well, I
have made up my mind to gparry no one but
a widower with six children,” replied she,
“and you have but two.” “Oh! if that is
all,” retorted he, all alive for a bargain, “I’ll
pay on the usual terms—one third down, the
balance in one, two, three and four vears.”
Collard Greens in Heaven.
An enthusiastic old colored brother recited
in the hearing of his fellow mortals in church
in Elbert, o,ne Sunday, a visit lie was permit
ted to make to heaven while in a sleep or
trance. His description of its beauties was
most attractive, but when lie got to where the
good Lord invited him to dinner, every ear
was expanded to catch each word. “Dare
was de most good tings—collard greens and
ham. and wheat bread, and setch, lots ob cako
and sweet tings.”
The old gray-beaded negro who filled the
office of pastor listened quietly to the dream,
er’s description, and after he concluded his
harrangne, arose and asked him :
“ Yon say, my brudder, dere was lots ob
cake and good tings on dat table ?”
“ Yes, sail!”
“ Dat dere was wheat bread and ham dere,
too ?”
“ Yes, sah !**
“ 1 have no doubt of it, mv brudder. De
good massa in heaben keep a mighty" good
table, 011 which you will find all dese tings
and more, but, mv brudder, \ r ou’s de fust one
ever sat down to dat table and found collard
greens on it!”— Gazette.
NUMBER 40,