Newspaper Page Text
foil® VII.
f> ft ‘K T E ¥.
Wflitm for the Eastman Times.
TO CIGAR SMOKE,
by MAURICE HARI ET.
yr«i! presence ! thy lazy-like languor
furnish -lesigns of cerulean splendor—
languid lines so slender and still,
rfecth perfect, in moving at will.
eoP«
Tndistarber of quiet, celestially chaste !
as the air thou fresco of space !
J^rd of thought, enchantress embroidery of ah—
ppauding, creating rare.
s - floating to ceiling, now touching the floor,
0 ,
V kissing the sunbeams,then out of the dcor;
nee sailing to heaven in tremulous treases,
/y, t h e fair slave of the breeze’s caresses.
n iV re ign Las been popular rlways, and will
$o remain and be so for centuries still ;
Until man or his mandate, to regions afar,
6ball banish vain thought! a Havana cigar !
miscellany .
a kick with wolves.
Heroism of a Pioneer’s Daughter
BY WILLIAM KENNEDY.
Of ihc many lovely counties of New
fork, none present stronger points of
^traction to the lover of picturesque
ian the beautiful county of Sullivan.
Hasses of rocks lay piled upon one
mother in such magnificent disorder
uiltossed there in the antediluvian
[revels of some of our gigantic first
iitliers. Lie roads wind broken and
Uneven through every variety of hill
ad dale, on one side not infrequently
h rig- in some lofty mountain, waving
kith clustering foliage, and vocal with
esong of birds, while on the other
Mceud- as abruptly a bristling preci
rugged horrors of its yawn
ijplf half hidden beneath mantling
m, and only betraying its great
ifthby the faint musical tinge of the
itMtn which hides in its grim bosom.
Bat uninviting as are the features it
presents to-day, to any but the tour
its.sixty years ago so formidable were
iio obstac es it opposed deemed by
llie farmer, that when Jacob VVoir a
^rdy Scotchman, with a large family
tow-heads, built a log cabin in that
te?iou in the very heart of a mighty
rest f and installed himself and said
tsniily therein, there were not wantr
^'soine of his neighbors to hint that
act qalified him for a straight*
jacket and a straw coucb in a mad
iman's cell. Jacob only laughed the
Cfuakeis to scorn, hewing away the
•bleatthe huge trees that hemmed
Jim iu Oil every side with untiring en
(! $y a nd no small success, and, spite
°! prophesies, matters prospered with
lllaj * Ibe crops and the tow-heads
h r tw apace—the one bringing money
loto Jacob's pocket, the otuer sun
'idle to his dwelling ; and, as years
H ' ut by, he began to be spoken of
due rispect as a well-to-do and
‘diving man. Nowhere was a har
er welcome to be obtained thau at
Jae,,b Weir’s, Friend or acquaint'
,lllc b or passing stranger, alike were
S1,lb ‘°l a seat at the hospitable board,
.>0 la warm nook in the chimney cor-
1 :i *' r such chimney
• a corner—
9 none 1101 ol your modern, degenerate
^-places, M'ning but a vast black gulf,
almost the 1 ngth of the
M ‘i and piled up to the very top
* lU i'Uge lugs of hickory and hem
! ' ,c ^ that crackled and blazed as
—
/'Ugh they enjoyed being bnrpt.—
0 louder hospitality is out of fash-
11 !10w j for what man could ask
an
" 1 take a seat iu the corner of
range?
^ Vv »s in the early springtime of
lull H'ar that story
file our commences,
1 Jacob and his family were gath**
Ground the hearth, as was their
h after their plain but abundant
Bright and strong blazed tbe
1 1 asting flickering shadows on the
IQ filing and rougher walls, flush-
5 r <% back on the well-scoured
fcwter °Q the dresser, lighting up the
^'^y handsome countenance pf old Jacob, tall, and
«>nes of his six
°‘d-shoul(ier< <i and strong-limbed
^ n<l,
a finally throwing a whole
J °f hght around the spot where
^ torment ol the house, saucy,
§, Kate, Jacob's only daughter.
6 Was of the tallest height of
> wo
and her soperb form, unshackled
b ythe restraints
fc Uti of art, had all tbe
tu a, fo subtle grace which na—
a *°ne can give. Her features
• her '“foie and regular in outline ;
heav large, clear and blue as the
hH ’ ar fo her wealth of golden
1 ’ v hen unbound, flowed aD
---
envy and delict
dresser. In short, she was a hand.
some, frank, unsophiacated girl, not
in the least resen,Win* the mincing
’
waddling, „ many-skirted , . . i belles , ,, who ,
walk, or rather trundle through ° onr
streets, / with hollow chests » st 0 0 P 1M g
shoulders, , , sallow ,, skins , . daubed with
rogue, with lack-luster eyes, that
meet us with a cold, calculating stare
Nor was she. indeed, what could he
termed a proper young lady ; for, her
mother dying early, and there be¬
ing no neighbors save the birds and
squirrels, her education had been con
ducted on rather an original system
1-y her father and brothers. She was
not what is termed accomplished, for
she had never seen a piano, knew
nothing of crochet-work, and could
neither dance nor speak bad., French.
But she was a good shot, rode well
on horseback, and was as swift on foot
as Camillia herself ; besides being
deeply versed in the sublime arts of
bread and butter-making, stocking
darning, mending, and all tnose other
feminine mysteries of which the mas
culine mind is profoundly ingnorant,
yet which tend so greatly to our com
tort and delectation. I am riot pre¬
pared to say, either, that she had what
the ladies call good taste in dressing,
though it would be difficult to find a
moie charming flgm 3 than she pro
sen ted in her gray home-spun dress,
or at least so thought Alick Harden,
on the event!ul eve of which we are
wiiting. Said Alick was a gay young
student, who came to this wild region
to speud his vacation in hunting
among the mountains, and had nearly
finished by serving us lunch fur a
huge panther, when he was fortu¬
nately lecued by two of old Jacob's
sons.
1 ho wounds lie received were but
... h
T “ q “'° kly ‘• eoo ' wled
dor Kates careful nursing; but he
8 h /° r, d ""accountably, though
lm manifested t« disposition to ac
company the boys on their various
excursions, . r derive .
’ seeming 0 to a vast
amount of amusement in . watching
”
Tr Kate , as she , went about , her , household ,
duties. This practice was speedily
productive of the most disastrous re
suits ; for, in the course of two weeks
Kate three times put butter-milk in
the churn, twice burned the bread to
a cinder, and finally set all their teeth
on edge by the production of a lemon
pie without a particle of sugar in the
composition. Regardless of all these
melancholy events, the audacious
Alick still persisted in this unaccount¬
able course of conduct, and had made
himself so particularly obnoxious to
Kate that evening by so doing that
she was continually blushing for sheer
indignation ; and it was a great re¬
lief when her father bade her get
out the porringers and the pudding as
he was down-right hungry; Going to
the dresser, Kate uncovered a might} 7
earthen, filled with a delectable gol
den-hued substance, which she foith
with served out with due care and
deliberation into nine bright porrin¬
gers, and then proceeded to drown it
in a flood of yellow cream. This done,
tbe fire was to be raked down and the
porringers placed on the coals; and
here that luckless Alick, prompted by
his evil genius, attempting to assist
her, it so happened that their hands
got mysteriously entangled, and Alick
most ingeniusly contrived to upset the
porringers into the fire.
“Ha, ha, ha!’ roared the brethren
?s Alick and Kate rose to their feet in
dismay.
'Ha ha !’ roared old Jacob even
his gravity being unable to withstand
frightened expression of the culprits'
faces.
‘It is too bad/ said Kate, greatly
provoked ; ‘men are always too stupid
and awkward/
‘Ha, ha 1' burst out Pan, the eldest
of the six, ‘Kate’s fingers are all
thumbs lately/
‘Her wits are going wool-gathering
or rather flour gathering/ chimed in
another, ‘ever since Joe, the millet's
handsome son, brought the last load of
flour to the house, and it took him and
Kate all the afternoon to put six bags
in the buttery/
'Gome here, Kate/ said her father,
mind those unlicked
You have more pluck than
their shoulders
an*/
‘Kate wants a little maple sugar to
sweeten her temper just a little/ said
Dan. 'Pity its so early in the sea
son.' need of the
‘It's plain you didn’t any
sap/ retorted Tvv°? ‘when you
EASTMAN, GEORGIA, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1S79.
,hB d ' PP ‘' r doWn ™ tbe bush t0 '
l>1 ”! 1 T" '' 8ay how t,iat . angered
1 ‘ but with al1 y our P lack y° u
> '
daren’t go 6 and fetch it 9
'I dare and I will/ answered Kate
now thoroughly aroused.
(itt u h y> t Kat T . crazy/ , said .,
°, you are
her father. ‘It is more than a quarter
of a mile from here, and the wolves
•» howling more than common t0
night.’
‘I don’t care/ answered Kate. Go
I will, and bring back the dipper, too;
and then we will see who has the most
pluck/
In spite of the remostrances of her
father and the entreaties of the hor
ror-striken Alick to be permitted at
least to accompany her, the headstrong
S’ ,d persisted in Jgoing, and, putting
on her shawl, hurried down the gar
d( n P at h, and was quickly lust to sight,
ln tne fwi esL - was a chilly evening,
ai ^ l | 1C } Jnv«'>g ‘ aio . t?iat cloud* encircled lhat the not moon, infre
q y her b '' ,,ad dlsk t " ,J
.
" J storm - A '«ht snow
covered the ground relieved here and
the e by oeeas.onal black patches of
mud, and, as it crackled under her
feet, f . Kate Tr , would ,, start involuntarily . ,
and j look t, hastily around, ir-, fancying the
the tread of some wild animal. In
the ghostly light, the trees seemed to
stretch up to a greater height and
their gnarled branches look strange
fantastic shapes. Dark clumps of
bnsl.es seemed to her disturbed ima
in.,turn crouching figures, ready to
spring upon her, and not infrequently
she paused and held her breath, think
ing she saw the glare of eye-balls in
the thicket, or heard the sound of
stealthy breathing close besids her.
Then, chiding herself for her weak¬
ness, she would hurry on, till at length
the tall, slender boles of the m «ple
trees defined themselves ablest the
sky> anli> scizi „ s tbe di , with ,
sig |, 0 | , e!iof| ghe lurnea on hel . w
ward pa;h . She might have advanced
. ten steps, . _ when . her . heart 1 a. gave a . bound .
that , 1 . seemed , to . send , it . to . , her throat .
and , then almost , , ceased , to , . beat, . as she
stood . , r listening . with such intensity .
that her very breathing seemed SllS
pended. Was that wind mourning
through the brandies ? Nearer and
nearer came the long, low, melancholy
sound, and then she knew she had to
run fur her life, for she recognized the
howl of wolves, and was sure they
were already on her track.
Kate was a courageous girl, and
swift-footed as an antelope ; but
when the yelling pack burst from the
bushes into view, and, glancing over
her shoulders as she ran, she saw
them bounding alter her, their heads
outstretched, their red tongues lolling
from their open months, snapping,
growling and leaping madly up!
tlm-stms and raging for her blood, a
sickening terror took possession of
her. ohouid her limbs fail her even
for an instant ; should she stumble or
f a n j s he would inevitably be dragged
down and torn in pieces by these ra¬
venous monsters. Horrible ! to have
her flesh rent from her bones and
nothing left but a bleaching skeleton
to tell of her sad fate ! On they came,
close to her Ijoels, almost catching and
rending her dress as it flew out in
their grinning teeth—their
savage voices ever sounding nearer
and nearer. Now out of the foiest
and down the garden path ; but her
limbs were flagging and dosser and
dosser came the hurried panting
breaths. She reached the garden
gate, the house was closed before her;
but at her shoulders leaped and howl
ed l° r emost of the pack, his hot
breath on her cheek, and his low
growl sounding in her very oars, when
suddenly out rushed seven stalwart
figures shouting and waving flaming
brands around their heads as thev
came. Panic-stricken, the wolves
scoured back to the foiest, and the
half-fainting girl was conducted Qr
rather borne into the cabiu.
She soon recovered from tbe more
immediate effects of the fright ; but
to her dying day, she could never
speak without a shudder of her moon
light race with the wolves.
A floating paragraph says ‘the new
est pocket flask is covered with croc
odile skin/ Will some old scientist
have the kindness to tell us what a
pocket-flask is? Norristown Herald,
Tell him, somebody—he really |don‘t
know ; lie never carried less than a
gallon jug with him.
A tack points heavenward when it
means the most mischief. It has
many human imitators.
^ however, Leadville is a quiet
and orderty piaee, considering its rap
* d g 10 ''th and the character of the
P eo P‘ e that are attracted to and fre
fl uent mining camps. In the amuse
ment ,ine three variety theatres are in
operation seven nights every week—
and by night I do not mean until ten
or eleveu o'clock, but all night. The
audience are composed of ail classes
b'ora the busiuess man who is strictly
o^oral duiing the day, to the lowest
scum of society. It is deemed allowa
^le there ior the business man to seek
recreation from his toil at these places,
as there is no other place for him to
go. Tn addition to the duties of the
actresses ou the stage, it is their
ness to circulate through the crowd
SIX MOSTHS IX LEADVILLE.
The Golden Dreams <5f Ancients
Verifled-Millionaires Loaded
With Gold.
___
. ..... Courier-Journal.
Stale Se,iat " r Davld Murray, who
left Kentucky for Leadville last March
/ T a n>ved * ,n ^ the rel c.ty . ,tlTe Wednes- , lT i , “ d
f-enda ,, to a pleasant surpnse. . 1 He , has
much to say of Leadville, and thinks
it by all rneaus the best place for any
young man who is willing to work to
go and build himself up a fortune.—
Mr. Murray looks well, is “bearded
like a paid/ and it is understood has
amassed quite a fortune. He talks like
an old Westerner, and refers to Lead
ville, a city of 30,000 inhabitants, as
the camp.
A reporter met Mr. Murray as he
was leaving for Cloveport, and, with¬
out asking questions, heard the fol¬
lowing history of the city and its pros
pects .
When I went to Leadville last March
it was a city of about 7 000 to 12,000
’
inhabitant ^ and at preeent it s
from 15 t0 30 000 The J
Uat weru in waste when q W tbere
and i that * were covered , with . . bushes , ,
and a Bmber .• , ate . the .. , heart of
* now m
Th ° ,uckof the cam P is wonderful,
T 1 '' aVe a pJor fellow tbs street
on
tllCre ° n ° duy nncertam where kl8
" ext ,nea l would come from, and the
" ext day be a millionaire and rolli “”
trough «'« streets in a curriage. This
' s 1 ‘/rally true, and the instances can
e cl ^ G ^
The society of the camp is improve
ing rapidly. Six months ago the ladies
could be numbered whthin the hun¬
dreds. Now hundreds of families have
taken up a permanent residence, giv
ing to Leadville as good society as
can be found anywhere. - While
good society of the place does not
differ with the society East, the lowet
class is developed to an abnormal de¬
gree. Gaming and all kinds of vice
are as open as any legitimate business,
and are open day and night. I can
show 1- you in Leadville a gambling sa*
loon 200 feet long by 50 feet wide, in
which can be seen, at any hour of the
day or night, crowds of men gambling
at all kinds of gambling devices Mi¬
ners, smeared with the yellow clay of
the soil, stand anxiously over the table
hy the hour, risking the results of
their day’s take.
A band of music is always playing,
and the door is as open, and the en¬
trance of persons as little noted, as in
one of your churches here
It would take hours to tell what
Leadville really is ; it is the wonder
of tliis and every other age ; its mav
velous growth ils sudden wealth, and
1(a high olllS3 of c i vihzation ' in s0 sbort
time> have ncvcr bcen Ied . The
spectacle cannot be Been on the 8treets
of t Louisville, • n what . . . continuous
is in
Leadville, especially Saturday and
Sunday ; masses of men rushing along
and jostling with each other as if life
was at the end of their journey. There
is no Sabbath in the business world,
and although there are four churches,
but few men attend any of them ex
cept the Jatliolic. There are a class
0 mei * kl >own as bunko steerers, which
^ a g enela l fei m meaning to incluue
t,UC VeS ; plckp uc ^ ts and co,,fide °ce
uien T n * le e<u , nstoi} of t.ie place
* -
their mode of operation was by means
of the various confidence games, but
the press and officials made it too
warm for them at that, and their most
approved method at present is by high
way robbery, or, as it is known, the
“Hands-up" manner. Frequently gen
tlemen are met, commanded to throw
U ^’ &-,d va ^ ua I*les
" 1101,1 ^ iem - *' as been 1
W ° t0 OCGUl ln l0a d ( ht} light. j
^ St Clu ^ one cairies aims of some
,
’ an nili ' eis a& a gt net a.
’ ,
cany them on the outside.
In general terms it may be said that
it is always better to say an agreeable
thing than a disagreeable one—better
for all parties. The gallant who, when
a young lady stepped on his foot when
dancing and asked pardon, said, 'don’t
mention it. A dainty little foot
, that wouldn’t hurt a daisy,’ not only
told the truth, but doubtless felt
more comfortable than the the boot
who, when his fcot was stepped upon,
roared out :
'That’s right ; climb all over me
with your great clumsy boots.’
A young-man friend of ours has
said :
‘It is all dependent on who treads
on my feet Now, if some clumsy
bnll-headei fellow was to light on my
corn with the heel ef his boot, tbe
language I would express would
charged with nitro-glvcerine ; hut)
if one of those golden-haired, ldue-!
eyed maidens, the kind you read about |
—then I would say, 'Crawl all over
; I don't care/ ’ I
I and by their blandishments to increase
,hl ’ K,,lc at ‘‘ llL ''’ ar
-
ardson ? an,el for tbe ar!and sodnctton ’ " ho of “ ,1 his ed wife,
walks the streets seemingly X,, a lonely
and . distressed , old .. man. Thus .. thou
sands of others, with histones sprin.
' kled with romance, ! may be seen min
, ghng m the . busy throng, all ,, attracted ,
by .he prospect of wealth, and rush
mg m the race for gold. In this we
have a city different front any other.—
, It is a city of strangers, yet each bQund
to the other by the magic tie of one
uniform purpose, seeking for wealth,
and all gather from this a common
sympathy, which, by the way, does
not interfere with all the sharp in
trigues and tricks of trade. Leadville
has a sad side ; many men have cone
there to get rid of griefs and troubles
at home, and in this regard it has be¬
come a c.ty of refuge. It pains one
to see wl.at is so evident in the coun
tenanccs of many—that they have
only brought to the wonderful city the
remnant of a ruined life. The dance
houses and the dens of vice are crowd¬
ed with women who have, in the ways
of sins, lust all their attractions, and
have come to Leadville, hoping, among
the rougher class of men, to reap a
harvest.
Money is made easily and goes ea¬
sily in the reckless camp. The miner
receives from $3.50 to $4 50 per day,
while the salaries of clerks and busi¬
ness range higher than Eastern sala¬
ries in the same proportion. One is
reminded of the plenteous days of the
war.
I think that men in the prime of life,
willing to endure the hardships of pio¬
neer tlife, having tenacity will and
energy, will succed in Colorado. It
may take years and it may take only
months or weeks, but the growth and
prosperity of the State will certainly
bring with it fortunes to those who
persevere and endure. The cost of
living does not gteatly exceed the
cost of living in the States. At the
best hotels day board is from $10 to
$12 per week, while persons may
“bock' 5 at a cost not exceeding $3 per
week. All articles of merchand se can
be bought at a cost very little in CX
cess of the cost in the Eastern States,
j with the freight added. It is the lux¬
uries of lile ttuit make living expensive
in Leadvilie.
How to Fay a Compliment,
BY ELLWOOD.
[From the Chicago Ledger.]
To pay a compliment is to tell the
truth, and to tell it as though you
meant it. If a girl is pretty or ac
complished ; if she plays well or sings
well or talks well ; if, in a word, she
pleases, why in the name of eommon
sense shouldn’t she be told of it ?—
Don’t blurt it out before everybody.
That will only serve to make her feel
uncomfortable and make yon appear
ridiculous. Say it quietly when op¬
portunity offers, but say it strongly.
Convey the idea distinctly and fully
so that there can be no mistake about
it. But do not say it “officially."
Formality is about the coolest thing
known. More than one maiden has
been made happy—say for half an
hour—by a man's taking the trouble
to say a pleasant word ab >ut a toilet
be likes, and many of fashi >n's follies
have been given up by girls when
they noticed a discreet silence eon
cerning them on tbe part of their gen¬
tlemen friends. A bewitching little
black-eyed beauty once said to a gen¬
tleman :
‘J like to have you say sweet things
to me ; it seems to come so easy and
natural.
A Jury Scene.
Counsel (in New Bedford)—‘Do you
know anything of this case V
‘No.
‘Ever read of it ?
‘No.
‘Ever read anything V
‘No/
‘What! Never/
'No.' [ Applause.'j
Have you formed any opiniou as to
! this case ?'
‘No.
‘Any opinion about anything ?
‘No.
'What ! Never
‘No/
‘What ! Never ?‘
No/ [Applause.]
‘Ever heard Pinafore ?‘’
'No.
‘Groans. Remarks: ‘No wonder
lie didn‘t do it. Sold/
No sympathy with anything per.
taining to the public interest?
•No/
‘No information, no knowledge, no
options, no taste for reading, no de
eire kllow what is going on in the
?
‘None whatever/
r ^ ood You'll do for juryman.
- a
You are aooo pted.
He had an auburn haired girl, and
promised to take her out riding. She
met him at the door when he drove
up, and lie exclaimed, ‘Hello ! Ready!'
She misunderstood him and they do
not speak now.
To get figs for thistles: Reduce one
toU thistles to seyenty pounds of
P otasb * f f' he h y° ur potash for
cash. Then take the cash and^buy
figs,
Sentimemt and Sense.
We are led on, like the little
children, by a way that we know
not.
We can hardly learn humdity and
tenderness enough except by suffer-
1 ing.
When what is good becomes of age
a nd is likely to live, there is reason for
,. ejoioing .
It is better sometimes not to fol¬
low great reformers of abuses beyond
the teresbolds of their own dear
homes.
There is no feel mg/perhaps, except
the greatest extremes of fear and
grief, that does not find relief in good
music.
The strongest heart will faint some*
times under the feeling that enemies
are bitter and that friends only know
half the sorrow.
If we are ever caught in a shower
of prosperity remember we can find
shelter with some poor ueighboi
on whose own threshold we might al¬
low' some of the superfluous drops to
fall.
A waste and worthless lands can be
made to, yitdd abundatly by proper
care and cultivation, so can arid and
and barren hearts be reclaimed
by many kind and sympathetic en¬
deavors.
Nature, our mother, is a Queen.—
She has her kingdom to care for, and
if now and then she gives a kiss or a
smile to our little miseries it is all we
can expect of her. She has seen many
breaking hearts healed ; she knows
no thing ef death and parting. She
only knows death as a phase of life.—
The dead leaves and flowers are as
dear to her as the cradle of next year**
leaves and flowers.
Labor.
Labor, honest labor, is mighty and
beautiful. Activity is the ruling ele¬
ment of life, and its highest relish.—
Luxuries and conquests are the results
of labor. We can imagine nothing
without it. The noblest man on earth
is lie who puts his hands cheerfully and
proudly to honest labor, Labor is a
business and ordinance of God. Sus
pend labor, ami where is the glory
and pomp o! earth—the fruit, fields
an 1 palaces, and the fashionings of
matter for which men strive and war?
Let the laborsscorner look to himself,
and learn what are the the trophies.—
From the crown of his head to the sole
of his foot, unless he is a Carib, naked
as the beast, he is the debtor and the
slave of toil. The labor which he
scorns has tricked him into the statute
and appearance of a man. Where
gets he his garmenting and equipage ?
Let labor answer. Labor pities you,
and laughs you to scern.
A man may be as pure as a virgin
snowflake and as mild as a May morn¬
ing*, but he will get wild just the same
when his offiee-boy dips the mucilage
brush in the ink.
‘'Two mouths with but a single
8*ew, two spoons that dip as one," as
the young man remarked to his dear¬
ly beloved after giving his economical
order of '‘One stew, two spoons.’*
“What are you about ?” angrily ex¬
claimed a country editor tbe otherday
to his wife, who was touching up her
complexion before the mirror. “Only
getting up my ‘patent outside/ dear/’
was the reply.
‘What the dickens do you call your
mule Aim for ?' asked a tourist of a
western teamster., ‘Well/ said .the
interrogated, ‘it’s tbe mule of the pa'r,
and I tuk the name out of the scrip%
tnres—An, a nigh ass/
NO. 41.
WIT AND HUMOR.
Eggs come in layers.
A lost tar—a sailor overboard.
A shani'poo—Affected contempt.
Striped stockings cover a multitude
of shius.
An inside passenger—the taciturn
but voracious tape-worm.
Why is a wood-pecker like a tramp?
Because he bores tor his grub.
It is only the female sex who can
rip, darn and tear without being con¬
sidered profane.
Any man pays too much for his
whittle wdien he has to wet it fifteen
or twenty times a day.
“Fruit jars,” he said as he looked
at a sign, and then continued, “yes, it
does unless it is real ripe.
A fashion authority says the ladies
will wear lawn more this summer. A
good lawn mower costs $15.
What is the difference between a
watchmaker and a jailor ? One sells
watches and the other watches cells.
To escape colliding with a baby
carriage propelled by a hired girl ex¬
hausts all the ingenuity the average
man Is endowed with.
Even tbe Russian language has not
the power to describe the feeliug of
the man with a mosquito bite between
his shoulder-blades.
The sons of great men do not al
wa}s remain in obscurity. For in¬
stance, a son of Dovglass Jerrold pro¬
duced a 65 foot tape worm.
— 1 ■ <«»
It is a mean man who would fool a
fish by wearing a white choker and
clerical coat when strolling along the
banks of a bro k on Sunday.
She sang'soprano sweetly—
Her voice was like a lyre ;
But on Sunday she ate onions,
And busted up the choir.
When you observe a family sitting
about the dinuer-tablc, each member
bathed in tears, remember that the
horseradish season is upon us.
Tiie question has been asksd : “Can
a Christian go to the circus V* Yes,
until he's married, and then in most
cases the ciicus comes to him.
What makes a man wild in these
days is to pay five dollars for a medi¬
cal consultation in which he is ordered
to wear an all-wool undershirt,
^“What is the difference/ asked a
teacher in arithmetic, “between one
yard and two yards V ‘A fence/ was
the reply of a member of the class. —
The teacher was silent.
The parson in the pulpit stands, 1
His locks are thin and gray ;
He bends his head and clasps his hands
And springs upon his pray.