Newspaper Page Text
THE MONROE
NO!, XXXIX.
A CJtnP OF hl.SSES. I
From her !e I » a-sintfiii' iu ti..- ...orr-*
in’ cool an" tirny
When the d bines in the furrow, an’
the hill climbs into day;
Kn‘ I kte her at the partin’—alien the
sweetest thing in life
Like 1 use’ to k my sweetheart, "fore my
weetheart v.as my wife.
It’s a kind good by kiHsiu'— though it’* |
kis).in ! mightV soon
An I M»ty: “ I'll make it ln**t me’till the
shudders point to noon
An’ (be keen hirks sing He kissed her!” I
nn" the winds sing: “So did we!” I
When some wild rose comes a rllmbin’
mu' jes' steals her kiss from me!
Ihentln- plough stands in tin* furrow, j
an my dmintin' eves I shield
As I look where last I left her, as I sing
acre the Held:
“Here's the winds a laughin'nl me: here's
the larks u-aingin’ this:
lies kissed tier, kissed her, kissed her-
but tin* rose lias stole the kiss.”
Then, with all the birds o-singin’ an’ a~
twitting me so sweet,
I lose sight o’ all the grasses routi’ the
corn blades at my feet, 1
An’ my horse looks round’ a-wonderin’,
till he almost seems to say: | j
“Will you make a crop o’ kisses or R n- I
other cron o’hay f”
An - I don’t how j
know to answer, for I’m
thinkin' an’ I seem
Like a feller jes’ n waivin' from the mid¬ ]
dle of a dream.
An’ horse is out o’ harness, with his mane
a flowin' free,
An" the rose that stole her kisses—well,
she kisses it and in.*!
[Southern Magazine.
PROVING HIS THEORIES.
XViiiit.-.! Valet; must have good refer
enees Road, Chelsea Apply A. II Goodman, King's
Such was the advertisement which
appeared in several London dailies.
At 10 o’clock the same morning, a
short, thick-set man, with an ex¬
tremely red nose, showing that he
had been a high-liver in the servants’
hall, knocked tit the door of the
house on King’s Road. A neatly at¬
tired servant, girl, with tt muslin cap
perched on her pretty features ap¬
peared on the threshold.
“Is Mr. Goodman in?” asked the
caller.
“He is,” responded the girl, with
several crithal glances at, th ,
who stood before her.
“I should like to see him on busi¬
ness.”
‘ ‘Step in.”
The visitor was ushered into a
bright front room.
“What name shall I say?”
I i Mr. Smiler.”
The girl disappeared. Then the
man began to examine the apartment
in a leisurely manner. Several hand¬
some paintings and quite a collection
of rare bric-a-brac bore ample testi¬
mony to the artistic propensities of
the master of the house.
“Some swell, evidently,” mur¬
mured the man with the red face.
The girl reappeared.
“Master wants to know what’s
your business. ”
“1 called in reference to an adver
tisement for a valet.”
“Oh!" She tossed her head and ;
again vanished. About live minutes 1
©lapsed and then the girl entered the
*™»[- Aou wait here.” she said,
can
“Master i-n t up yet.'
For forty minutes the visitor was
left to his reflections.
“Must be some blooming sport.”
he commented. Then the door
opened and a tall, pale gentleman
entered the room in a languid fash
ion, picked up the mornintr paper
and carelessly scanned the contents,
ns though oblivious to the presence
of tlie visitor. He read the telegraphic
news and then the local. The
vant brought in a tray upon which
reposed breakfast bacon, eggs, a cup
of coffee and rolls. The gentleman
put up his nose and said:
“Jane, take away these dishes.
Leave the coffee.”
The servant obeyed.
"His appetite isn't good to-day,”
commented the caller. The gentle
man sipped the coffee with apparent
relish, read again the cable article
from Paris and finally lighted a cigar.
All this time the visitor remained
standing respect fully, U last he
ventured to cough, and the gentle
man. turning to him. remarked:
“Aw —you called about tho adver
tisement ? ”
“Y’es, sir."
“NYhere are your references ? ”
“Here. sir. and he took from
poeket a bulky package.
“H ell. I don t care to see them. "
“I served last the Duke of-”
"What the deuce do I care whom
you served? Will you accept a guinea
u week and expenses?”
“Yes. sir."
“Very well; we leave to-night for
Laris See that every!hing i-ready."
With that the gentleman took up
his li at and cane, and strolled out of
the house in a leisurely, half-bored
" Hy
n lie is a rum un. commented the ,
visitor.
I wo days later t lie gentleman
and his servants were
quartered in Paris. The
mer has rented a magnificently fur
uis’ned house in a fashionable part
of the city. Try as he would. Smiler
could learn litt K- of his new master,
He came and went. He usually ar
rived about 2 m th© morui / and
-sometime* SmiRr had to pu him to
heu He get up au> where between
.*« o csoi-k and .m. >o:m >k-s he
break faMed heart ily; nt other times
he merely sip^v* hm coffee. Smiler
FORSYTH. MONROE COUNTY. GA-, KESDAY MORNING. OCTOBER '2. 1894.
was commissioned to but’ tickets for
fashionable event from the
opera to the races, and lie always
came and departed in a private car
riage, quite an elegant equipage,
About this time the Parisian news
papers were agitating the remarkable
tests in spiritualism given before em
inent gentlemen by a peasant woman
in Milan. The psychological society
was in session in the French capital
and the comments on the feats per
formed in Italy were made more in
t (‘resting by the presence of a
renowned English mind reader. This
gentleman showed great aptitude in
ferreting out criminals, and his accu
racy in this respect made him feared
by 1 lie wrong doers. Mr. Smiler
read of these wonders, but being of
a skeptical disposition pooh-poohed
them. One morning when the gen
t Ionian was sipping his coffee, lie
looked up from his paper and said
to Smiler:
“Markham, the mind reader, lias
run down another criminal, Smiler.
What do you think of that?”
“If I might venture an opinion,
sir, I should say it was all bosh.”
All bosh, eh? May 1 ask why?
“Well, sir, it stands to reason, sir,
that no man can read what is going
on in another man’s mind, It is
against nature, and what’s
nature can’t be done, sir. My idea
is, sir, that this man, this fraud, I
will call him, sir, is in collusion with
t lieso follows and pays ’em. That’s
my impression, sir. Easiest tiling
to humbug these French savants,
sir. A criminal, sir, can’t be detec¬
ted except by detectives, and they
make an awful botch of it. sir.”
“So you don’t believe in it?’,
The gentleman was now drinking his
second cup of coffee.
“That I don’t sir.”
“Well, now, suppose that I give
you a little practical demonstration. ) >
Smiler started.
“You, sir?
“Yes; I’ve studied a little in that
line as an amateur. Suppose, forex
ample, I were to read your mind,
Smiler. ”
“You couldn’t do it, sir.”
“I should say you were a faithful,
honest follow, who always served his
master’s interests.”
Smiler gave a deprecating gesture.
“It wouldn’t take no mind reader
to tell that. sir.”
“But wouldn’t it take a mind
reader to tell, Smiler, what you’ve
got in your poekelbook?”
Smiler turned pale.
“As an amateur, Smiler, mind T
don’t pretend to be accurate ; I don't
say that if any one should look in
that pocket book lie would find my
ruby scarf-pin and my emerald and
diamond ring.”
Smiler nearly went into a fit.
“Of course I have so many rings
and pins that unless I was a mind
reader 1 would never have missed
these. And, let me see, Smiler, in
your trunk you have three pairs of
my trousers. Those would not be
easily missed, either. Also about
fifty neckties and collars and cuffs
innumerable.”
I y t ... his time .. Smiler „ .. was as pole , os
a
■ f » I was ii o read your m.nd -i oli I-,,! tie
further as an amateur I would ell
you that on the 20th of September
yot. went to a pawnshop > on the Kue
<1 seal ‘ U'" rings 1 ' ,ln,l and , there a watch, . "T' for S '" winch .° you ,W °
received 500 francs. They cheated
you, Smiler. You should have got
double that amount. From there
>-° u w ^' t to a b , “« k , - hk ... « V he 1 ... V ’
*
honest, frugal , iellow that jou are.
a ‘ u * U P un account. < n t he
*-d of September with commendable
industry you added to your Httle
horde by disposing of nn gold
mounted stick the one presented me
by the Baron Rothschild. Yoil care
fully obliterated the names. I com
n » e,ul v ” uv caution. lour days
.
afterward you sold,or rather pawned,
sundry articles in four different
places which I won t take the time
enumerate. In all you have 1,500
francs in the hank and 20 francs in
your pocket-book . . , , together , with other
articles of ra.nc which you were about
to get nd ot tins morning. > mi. have
been quite thrifty and inside of a
month it was your intention to draw
your money and emigrate to
America, where you are desirous ot
setting.up in trade. This has been
your dream, binder, the life of a
prosperous and honest tradesman.
Am I right. Sunder! If I have made
an > mistakes attribute it to the fact
Hiat I am but an amateur.
But binder was speechless.
“To continue, or rather to go back
into the past, I read that you robbed
all your masters before me, only they
were not mind readers in an amateur
way and attributed the loss of differ
ent things to natural shrinkage.
When you first entered my apart
ments in King s Road your thoughts
were regarding my worldly posses
sions. X on saw much that made
you sure I was a man of means,
After I entered the room I was seem
ingly busy reading the newspaper,
Really. Smiler, I was reading you. I
did not want to see your references,
They were superfluous. Ihe man
himself stood before me. There was
the reference. I determined to make
* 1,ttle * tudy ofyou ' ^ ou ‘ ntereSted
me at once, for 1 recognized in you a
thief of many years’ training, a
thief who had pilfered for all his life
and never been detected Here, I
thought, is a subject worthy of my
attention; here is a case which will
edify and amuse me. So I took you
to my bosom, Smiler. and employed
you on the spot. As you stood tHere
waiting for me to address you the
thoughts that flashed through
mind were lean easily getaway
with one of those Dresden-ware vases,
He has so many of taem tnat .ie wi.i
ne\er miss it. then he must he a
cureless sort of a swell, one of those
\« 4
>
*
spendthrifts. lie will come home
inebriated every night, If a pin, a
ring, a watch or some other article
disappears he will think he lost it
somewhere the night before. Here J s
a swell that pays no attention to his
personal effects. All he thinks of is
having a jolly good time.’ Am I
right, Smiler?’
Rut Smiler never relapsed from his
collapsed condition.
“You began to pilfer when you
purchased the tickets to France. You
made ten shillings on the tickets.
N on put aside for yourself five shil
lings from (lie purchases from the
trunkmaker. Do not deny it, for it
is written indelibly on your mind.
I took to you right away. ‘Here is
a precious rascal,’I thought. ‘Here’s
a servant worth having.’ You will
remember that I commended you for
your faithfulness. And now, Smiler,
do you believe in mind-reading? By
tlie way, where are those pawn tick
et.s, and kindly hand me your bank
book.”
Smiler obeyed without a word.
“And now it wouldn’t take a mind
reader to tell what is going to hap¬
pen.” languid
The gentleman went
to the door and ushered in two
officers.
Smiler fell upon liis knees.
“Mercy, mercy,” lie said.
“You corroborate all I have said.”
remarked the gentleman, with mild
interest.
“Yes, yes, 1 confess. Don’t put
me in jail.”
“I am sorry, Smiler, hut f have
finished with my subject. I now turn
him over to the law. Officers, do your
duty.” well, Markham,”
Very Mr. replied
one of the officers.
“Markham,” groaned Smiler.
“The same,” replied Ihe languid
gentleman. English mind-reader?”
“The great
“I am he. I advertised not fora val
et,but for a subject. I wanted to prove
some of my theories to the society of
savants here. You have proved a very
good subject. I shall write out the
results of my investigations to-night,
and then if you care to have the law
deal leniently with you, you will sign
it. I will then read the paper before
the society. My enemies will have to
concede that ray work is incompara¬
ble. By the way, Smiler, have I
converted you to a belief in mind¬
reading?”
“You have, sir,” groaned Smiler.
“And now, officers, take him away,
as I have a little work to do.”
With that the languid gentleman
turned and enWr’e 1 1 Is study.
Smiler straightened himself up dis
ma
“Hell, I blowed, he said.— ,
in
[Detroit Free 1 ress.
GOOD PLOT FOR A NOVEL.
Romantic Story of A Western Bank
Defioiency.
“The author who proposes to write
the real and only American novel may
find a very fair piot in the story I am
about to relate,” said Frank N. Har
ris of Chicago, 5„ at Willard’s. “Sov
ora| ycarg a the , Kople of a sma] ,
western city began to wonder how
the o( | eading h.iDk could
afford t0 , lve aiI well as he appeared
be doing 'liberal, . H ls salary, it is true,
was but his expends
lures far exceeded it. He built him
se]f a splendid residence, had his
horses and carriages, and altogether
conducted himself like a man who
owned rather than worked for a ban! Y.
^ Had the confidence of the hank di
ree tors, however, and the rumors and
g 0SS jp that reached their ears appar
ently ]ia d no effect upon them. The
Ciishier was slxdden]<jr take n sic k with
a i inger i ng * ma i at iy, and lay in a
barely con cious condition for two or
three months, when death finally
cIaimed hil „. An examination of his
hooks which followed his death
showed an apparent deficiency in his
accounts of over $85,000. His real
friends were thunderstruck and
would not believe the dead man had
been dishonest. His bondsmen, too,
TO „i d not be convinced that 1,0 had
mode wUh the funds „ r the bank
VVhiletheywerearrangingtomakofhe bllt tbe books sho , red thc shortage,
sllm sorH j* tlw C ashier”s widow came
forward and presented the bank pres
idw „ „. ith a check for tho enlire
amounfct te ]ij ng him that she knew
her husband had never taken a cent
of the mone „ and t ] ia t while she
couldn » t unders tand th- apparent
, proof of hi s dishonesty, she was sub
limely confident that he died a good,
upright man.
No one knew either, where the
j widow had gotten such a very larue
S uin of ready money. She continued
j to occupy the family home, an!
j there was no change whatever in her
: mode of life, and the town was there
fore confronted with a second mys
tery, as inexplicable as the fir.-d.
Four years after the death of the
cashier the man who had been assist
ant cashier, and who had succeeded
to the position when it was made
j vacant, he confessed also died. when Before his his death
that predeees
sor was taken ill and had relapsed
into a comatose condition, whence
the doctors said he could never ro
cover, he himself had manipulated
i t ie of the bank so as to sho*
that the dead cashier was a defaulter.
and had taken the money for his own
uses. He left his property to the widow
of the man whose memory he hart
j so dishonored, that the former and cashier it then had turned earl?
out
in his career invested in western
mining stock, and that the money h J
was spending so lavishly during h;
life, and from wideh las widow mad ■
| good his apparent shortage after hut
death, was the result of his wis«
foresight when he was a mere bank
clerk, Now. I think that s a pretty
, good plot fora novel, —| Wasaicgton
j Star.
SOMEWHAT STHANGE.
ACTS __ THAT PROVE Tt m TRUTH
IS STRANGER THAN FICTION,
-
Queer Facts and Thrillin Adventures
Which Show that Trut is Stranger
Thau Fiction.
A lilipvtiax electric 1 :l;t has been
invented for the benefit f newspaper
reporters. It is fastene to the end
of a pencil, so that the ‘porter may
carry his own light with aim, and be
able to make his notes ven in the
darkness. 1 s?
An ordinary-sized m* v bears con¬
stantly upon his body . pressure of
about fourteen tons. <ut* as this
pressure is irl#II dir< and from
within outwards as viel! as from
vvithout inwards, th mnpensation
ls perfect and redn *es the actual
pressure to practically , nothing.
in. jewelry . founc r seently in an
excavation near one of lie pyramids
of old Memphis, Kg, »t, exhibits
about as much skill In | working gold
and precious stones as now exists,
although the -articles! found were
made 4,800 years ago. j The figures
described cut on amethyst and j cornelian are
as exquisite uul anatom¬
ically correct.
Robert K. Stone, i ' Lexington,
lvv., has just erected o >r the "grave
of his dog a molnimi it that cost
$(550. The stone is a pointed shaft
of seashore granite el borately and
fancifully carved. It Pas a deeply
chiseled inscription ‘ Don, for six¬
teen years our si! t j Profiler and
friend. His faith? fg shall bear
him company.” ]
Wit ilk Horace Cli.-a as cutting
wheat near Mancha? Ky., he
stirred up a large blac! snake, which
became so enraged at b eing disturbed
that it coiled itself a boy fchim. His fel¬
low-workmen soon arrj ml, and after
much effort succeeded m dispatching
the reptile, but it was. ione too soon,
as the snake had him! town and was
slowly but surely hai| cri shing him to
death. Clinger’s which was of
a jet black color prevj us to the oc*
currence, turned to ■/ silvery white
Within a short time ter. The ser
pent measured over {ht feet, being
one of the largest sp» fnena seen in
that Vicinity.
Since the recent death of John
Hunt at Seekonk, Ma the neigh¬
bors have been talking about his pe¬
culiarities. They say .e was a “set”
man. For aJa twenty y% he did not
after their V "marriage g '|p£ r Hi . nt .-"hI-s wanted years to
sell a piece of land 1 wife’s sig
nature was needed, hut for a long
time she refused to give it. Hunt at
once became sullen and refused to
speak to hei. Thinking to please
him at last she told him she. would
sign. He didn’t answer her, but let
her sign. The property was conveyed,
but Hunt would not yield. He had
vowed never again to speak to her,
and he didn’t, not even when dying,
Hunt’s father had such an experi
ence, and for twenty years never
spoke to Hunt’s mother. In 1864
Hunt was a member of the State
Legislature. His wife and two daugh
ters survive him.
J. T J. , Gage „ of Olarksjlalo, Miss., ,
is
he owner of a mu e winch ,s one
the greatest our,oslt.es in th.s conn
try. This mule has a small white,
or cream-colored snake m Ins
eye. Thereptile Is.apparently about
two inches m length and wiggles
initially, going from one point of the
eye to another with wonderful rapid
ity. Mr. Gage says the mule had a
sore eye some four months ago,
and in treating it he made the dis¬
covery tnat tills small snake Mas in
it. The mule is in perfect good
health and apparently suffers no
pain. The sight of the right eye is
evidently gone, the pupil being of a
bluish color and slightly enlarged.
In what appears to be a globule of
bluish-looking water the strange rep¬
tile has his home. Air. Gage says
that at night the snake coils up and
rests, and at such times- its head and
eyes may be plainly seen.
At the Home for Aged and Infirm
Colored Persons in \\ est Philadel
phia two remarkable cases of longev
ity exist, and the fact that the birth
day anniversaries of both were ceie
brated on the same day lends a pecu
liar interest-to the aged pair. “Aunt ’
Mary McDonald, as she is known by
her friends, was one nindred and
twenty-eight years ola on a recent
Wednesday, the fact ol her birth in
1706 being established by reliable
proofs. She was born on the farm of
Reese Howell, adjoining what was
later the encampment or the forces
of Gen. M ashington. ir the vicinity
of Norristown, her parents being
slaves. She claims to remember the
lather of his Country, and to have
frequently come in cor tact with his
soldiers. The ocher centenarian is
John Gibson, also born in slavery, in
Maryland, July 11, 1774, two years
before the proelamatior 01 American
independence. Both have long been
members of the home and are still
active and in possessior of their fac
u Lies.
“It seems quite possible that the
8 wa ii ow will prove a successful rival
to t j ie carrier-pigeon ir it* Vjp.Lpi peculiar
i ine { spr ..: ( .> \\
Swain of Washington has'been D C “I
know a man who experi
meritin'* with these bird* f r vear* *4
and whn
make them love their .-a^e so that
they will invariably return ^ to ir r
h few hours' liberty Tt -r ed nf
these messengers can be judged from
a s i n tr}e experiment "caught The man Q f
whonfl speak once an un
trajDe d swallow which had its nest
on his farm. He nut the h ; rd in a
basket and gave it to a friend who
Wfts goilig citJ -150 ^ les distantj
ADVERTISER.
___________________— .....
telling him to turn the bird loose on
his arrival there and telegraph him
as soon as the bird was set free. This
was donet and the bird reached home
one hour and a half. Their great
speed and diminutive forms would
especially recommend swallows for
use in war, as it would not be an easy
matter to shoot such carriers on the
wing.
An unusual electrical accident,
which occurred at the Norfolk (Ya.)
Navy Yard, appears to have been ex
plained, and with the explanation
comes the necessity of making pro
vision to ground steel or iron vessels
that are in dry dock, especially dur¬
ing the season of electrical storms.
Two men standing in water under
the vessel, which was insulated by
supports of dry wood, were ap
parently struck by lightning, ni¬
though men on the deck of the ves
sel felt no shock. One of the men
was killed instantly and the other
d i ed j n a f ew hours. The explanation
now given is that the vessel was not
struck by lightning in the ordinary
sense, but that it acted as an enor¬
mous condenser, such as is used for
collecting static electricity. As it
was insulated from the ground it be¬
came heavily charged, and was dis¬
charged through the men when
they, standing in the water, and thus
making a good ground, touched the
metal sides. The remedy will he to
ground such vessels while they are in
dry dock.
“The idea of using a telephone tc
make a taciturn subject talk is, I be¬
lieve, original with a detective in our
city,” said Henry F. Mackey, of
Richmond, Va., to a Times reporter.
“A man who has been born and raised
away hack in the hills, where neither
telegraph nor telephone was known,
was brought in on a charge of horse¬
stealing. It was suspected that he
had stolen several horses, hut the evi¬
dence against him was not very
strong. The detective had him in
his office and cautioned him that il
he did not tell the truth the informa¬
tion would come against him through
the funny-looking instrument in the
corner, The man laughed and said
he was not as ignorant as he looked,
whereupon the detective rang up the
chief’s office, and by a preconcerted
signal the suspected thefts of the
prisoner were called_ through the
’phone In a very gruff voice. The de¬
tective placed the ’phone firmly
against flie prisoner’s ear, and his
astonishment, when he heard histhefts
narrated was ludicrous. His innate
superstition proved his ruin, for he
promptly admitted his guilt and gave
information which led to the recov¬
ery of most of the stolen horses. The
mountaineer’s disgust when informed
how he had been tricked was very
palpable, but he still declined to be¬
lieve that one man could talk to an¬
other along a wire.”
A. startling phenomenon was
witnessed at Clinton, Iowa, on a re¬
cent Sunday morning from four tc
half past, four o’clock, greatly fright
ening many superstitious people. It
began with an illumination of the
northwest heavens, in blended red
and yellow, like the reflection from a
great fire, and sufficiently bright to
awaken many people from a sound
sleep. It increased in brilliancy tin
ob j j ecta i 00 ked as they do when
vIewe through a pair of yellow spec
i taeles j„ southwest near the
.
; honzon lay a hir bank ,., onds
, 0 f in ky darkness. Soon the illumi
nalion Bhlfted , 0 the north , vest „ n d
ns the „„„ rosa bri ht sha(ta ot the
ye J li„, v were shot upward In various
irectlon8 contrasting & sharply r J on
the background of red. The awe-in¬
spiring part of the display came
about twenty minutes past four,when
a slender ribbon of delicate yellow'
j stretched athwart the sky from north¬
west to southwest, the extreme end
reaching far into the blact; clouds.
It resembled the ray from a powerful
searchlight, set in the lens of"yellow
glass, except it hung in the sky like
a rainbow'. It lasted about ten min¬
utes, when it vanished, together w ith
I all the bright colorings, and the sky
was quickly overspread with gray
w intry looking clouds.
j The efficacy of a black cat as a
lightning rod has been too frequently
the subject of discussion and asser
tion to he treated at length at the
present, time, An illustration of this
popular belief can be deduced from
a n incident that occurred to the wife
of a well known business man of
Washington. The young matron had
been expending considerable time
and attention upon a handsome black
cat. which she continued to stroke,
notwithstanding the assertion of her
family that by r so doing she w r as
charging herself with electricity. Fi
nally r one evening she decided to go
I for a ride on the electric cars to Be
thesda. Accordingly', invititing two
of her friends to accompany her. she
, set out for the ride in high spirits,
The trio found places together near
the middle of the car and had gone a
short space bey'ond the powerhouse,
when their conversation was inter¬
rupted by the conductor hurriedly
bending over them as though to avert
some catastrophe from beneath, and
telling them to leave the car with all
speed, as it was on fire. Scarcely had
they left their seats before a sheet
flame burst through the floor just
under the very spot over which the
young matron had been sitting, the
electrical apparatus beneath having
ignited at that very point. She de¬
clares she wifi never stroke another
cat.
PARADING FAMILY AFFAIRS.
“Newlywed seems to find par tic u
lar delight in parading his little fam
ily affairs before the eyes of bis ao
quaintances.” efi?
“Does, What are thev? .Scan
dais?”
“
“Nod; twins.”:—[Bufialo Courier.
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE P~ZZZ.
Taking No Chances--Time Enough
--Before Hairpins Were Invented
--Why the Price Fell--Etc., Eto
TAKING NO CHANCES.
•‘Madame,” said Meandering Mike,
“I’m terrible hungry. > >
“Poor man I” exclaimed the sym¬
pathetic housewife. have
“I wanted to ask you ef ye
any work that I could do?”
“Why, yes; I could givt* you some¬
thing to do.” asked
“Much obliged. I jest for
information,” and he moved along
toward the next house.—[Washington
Star.
TIME ENOUGH.
“Some women make me very
weary,” said the first, agitatress. “I
asked one woman if she believed in
woman suffrage, and she didn’t know;
she’d have to ask her husband.”
“Did you find out how long she
had been married?” asked t he second
agitatress. weeks.”
“Y’es. Three
“Oh, never mind, I guess she’ll do
to call on again in a year or so.”—
[Indianapolis .) ournal.
BEFORE HAIRPINS WERE INVENTED.
Air. Binks—I see by this paper that
hairpins were invented in 1545 and—
Mrs. Binks—Dear me ! Ho do you
suppose women buttoned their shoes
and unlocked trunks before that!—
[Chicago Inter-Ocean.
WHY THE PRICE FELL.
Pompano—Two hundred dollars,
sir, for that horse, and it cost me a
thousand,
Blotterwick (suspiciously)—Isn’t
that an unusual reduction?
Pompano (frankly)—Yes, it is.
But lie ran away and killed my wife,
and I have no further use for him.—
r Truth.
A EUPHEMISM.
Softleigh—Don’t you think that
Miss Caustique is very sarcastic?
Gruflfteigh—I believe that is her
friends' polite paraphrasing for her
impertinence.—[Truth.
SHOULD BE PARTICl
“These girls that rp*’ o‘“'
ought to be very cart_ v ...
“Well, as a general thing they do
examine..the titles pretty closely.”
V'KkD TO BE HARMLESS.
Air. Fidd—Tell me, doctor, does
hair-dye injure the brain?
Dr. Goup—It depends entirely on
the person who uses it. It is harm¬
less in most cases, as people with
brains rarely resort to it.—[Truth.
BEYOND HIS REACH.
He kicked about his meals at home;
He kicked about the weather;
He kicked at people separately,
Then bunched them all together.
He oft abused the grocery man,
The butcher and the baker;
And sighed because he’d have no
chance
To cuss his undertaker.
—[Washington Star.
SURE SALE.
New Clerk—I have a customer who
wants a certain glove, hut we’re out
of her size; what shall I do?
Old Clerk—Tell her she’s been
wearing a size too large.—[Inter
Ocean.
WASTED KEG RETS.
Mother — .Miss Smithers, your
school-mistress tells me she’s always
being obliged to scold you, Johnnie.
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Johnnie (considerately)—Oh, never
mind, mother. It doesn’t matter. I’m
not one of those sensitive children,
you know.—[Brooklyn Life.
A POLITE REQUEST.
He—I have something to say to
you—permit me to take yon apart.
She—Certainly—if you will put ine
together again.—[Truth.
NECESS A R Y 0A UTION.
( ( Hello, is this the telephone of
flee?”
) es t>
"
“Say, . . how does , my voice . . sound?
Notice anything peculiar about 1 '
“No.”
“Then , call ,, up 44,14 . . , ., I T , ve got to
.
explain to my wife that it 8 business
that s keeping me so late. —[Chicago
Record.
NOT GOOD GREDJT.
“Jambers says his w’ord is just as
good as his note.”
“Y’es, that’s the trouble with it.”
[Chicago Record.
IT WAS NO MATCH.
I heard a good story last night. A
young man laid his hand and fortune
at the feet of a girl who is in office.
He said, quite complacently :
“I will take you West with me and
you can also take your father and
mother. I will support you hence¬
forth and you will not need to work.
My earnings are $1,500 a year.”
“Oh, but I make $8,000 a year
now.” answered the young woman.
It was not a match.—[Washington
Post.
easil\ satisfied.
Mildred (still blushing)—Ami the
first girl you ever kissed. Gordon?
Gordon—No, my " love; but you are
the last.
Mildred—Am I really? Oh,Gordon,
it makes me so happy to think
that.—[Brooklyn Life.
A PALPABLE HIT.
Babson—how is it that you are al
waysindebt? Y'ou should be ashamed
of yourself.
JabsQa-TCome, nqw; doq't be too
NO. 88
hard on a fellow, You would, per
haps, be in debt, too, if you were in
my place.
B.—NY hat place?
J.—Able to get credit.—[New York
Press.
OX A WEDDING TRIP.
In a railroad carriage. She—That
man sitting opposite to us is a detest¬
able fellow.
He—Why so. my darling?
She—Because he makes a point of
lighting his cigar whenever we reach
a tunnel.—[Fliegende Blaetter.
CONSTANCY IS IMMENSE.
The constant drop of wat er
Wears away the hardest stone;
The constant gnaw of Bowser
Masticates the toughest bone.
The constant cooing lover
Carries off the blushing maid;
And the constant advertiser
Is the one who gets the trade.
IN A TIN TUBE.
“Did you give the horse the pow
der?’
“ I tried to. I put the powder in
the tin tube, forced open the horse’s
mouth, put the tube in between its
teeth and”
“ Did you blow the powder down
his throat?”
“ No; 1 was going to, hut the
horse blew it first.”—[Denver Field
and Farm.
A WEEK HAS ELAPSED.
Somebody’s arm all puffed and pain
ed,
With the varied tints
Of the rainbow stained;
Somebody’s arm, once white, now
green, by
Brought to this pitiful state vac¬
cine.
Somebody’s arm.
—[Detroit Free l’ress.
AT MRS. GOG ITT’S MUSICAL.
Mr. Van Dopday—I’m so glad it is
over. 1 begin to feel an aching
void—
Miss Soot htosay—That is too had.
Take my vinguigrette, It is good for
a headache, you know.—[Harper’s
Bazar.
A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT.
‘Spudkins is disappointed in mar
riage. when he
“How can Hi at, be, mar
»*iod r 'A for love?”
t „ for
Av
Papa—W'ha- „ .
great bicycle race? much
Little Son—Didn’t think of
it.
“Everybody said it was wonder¬
ful.”
“I didn’t see nothin’ wonderful
’bout it. The one thatwinned couldn’t
help winning. He leaned over so far
forward that he had to go like light¬
ning to keep from failin’ on his nose.”
—[Philadelphia Life.
INDEFINITELY INSTANTANEOUS.
The young man dropped some
white powder into a glass filled with
water, nncl swallowed it.
“What’s that?” inquired the bo&s.
“I’vegot a headache, and that is
‘instantaneous headache cure’ I’m
taking.”
“What’s the dose?”
“A teaspoonful in a glass of water
every twenty minutes until reliev¬
ed.”
“Ah?”
“That’s what ; and I've been ta¬
king it since early this morning.”—•
[Detroit Free Press.
IIE FOOTED THE RIGHT THING.
“You had a high old time at col¬
lege, J understand.”
“Yes, I gave a blow out that went
up into the hundreds, ”
“Did your father foot the bill?”
“No, he footed me.”
ALL IT MEANS.
Miss Romance—When an opal, a
present from one we dearly love,
loses its lustre, what is it a sign of?
Miss Hardhead (in the jewelry line)
—It is a sign that the opal lias split.
—[N. Y. Weekly.
CAREFUL LAWYER.
Incensed Wife—It is impossible to
live with him, the way he goes on.
w , t he other night he came home
and smashed iny piano. What do
you think of that?
polite Lawyer—You will have to
> madam, but it is impossi
' excuse me
ble for me to give an opinion, You
must remember that I have never
heard you play.—[Boston Transcript.
WHEN MONEY 18 SCARCE.
“Has your employer ever men¬
tioned the question of raising your
salary?” .
“Oh, yes, there is never a payday
comes hut what it’s a question as to
w’hether he can get it up or not.”
How Far It Was.
“When the Ninth Maine was in
camp at Morris Island in Charleston
Harbor,” says Mr. D. W. McCriilis,
of Dexter, I had occasion to go
across the island to a place called
‘the lookout.’ On the way I met a
tall, lank specimen of the island in¬
habitants and asked him how far
away the place was. ‘Wa’al, stranger,’
he drawled, turning around and
stretching out a long arm in that-a-w'ay, thedirec
tion I was going, ‘its
the Lookout is. and I reckon it s
bout two child’s cries and a horn
blow afore y« git thar. 1 heard any
quantity of funny answers to such
; inquiries, while in the South, but for
! pure oddity the above specimen
easily takes the premium. I found
the distance it represented to be
about a mile and a half Y ankee meas
j ure. —[Lewiston (Me.) Journal,