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The Gainesville Eagle.
Published Every Friday Morning.
BY REDWINE & HAM.
The Official Organ of Hall, Banka, Towne,
Rabun, Union and Dawson countiea, and the city
j>t Gainesville. Hu a large general circulation in
twelve other counties in Northeast Georgia, and
three counties in Western North Carotins.
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REDWINE * HAM,
Gainesville, Ga.
EDITORIAL. EAGLETS.
. Congress met last Monday.
Our Washington letter is non est
this week.
Texas has adopted the Mo fie t
register. Let her ring.
Jack Frost will settle down to
business in a day or two.
Grant is to be gotten out of the
way by making him president of the
Nicarauguan canal.
Hill and Vance are making it very
lively for the Louisiana radicals with
their investigating committee.
Ben Butler can be elected to con
gress regularly, but somehow he can
not make the trip for governor.
Another presidential candidate is
shelved. The New York Sun has it
on the best authority that Horatio
Seymour will not accept the nomina
tion.
And now it is stated that the
Eastern manufactures have decided
to advance, the wages of operatives
fifteen per cent, on what they have
been since April, 1878.
The women of Frederickton, Ohio,
last week bounced a liquor seller.
They invaded his premises, poured
out his liquors, and smashed things
generally. A rather muscular re
form.
—♦
Judge Beman was appointed Uni
ted States senator to fill Zach Chan
dler’s vacancy, but refused to accept.
As Hanleiter would say, there are
few who could Beman enough to do
such a thing.
Vanderbilt sold $2,000,000 of New
York Central Railroad stock in one
lump the other day. We sold a sub
scription to the Eagle on the same
day. Altogether it was a pretty
fair day for heavy financial transac
tions.
Politics, or the whiskey, one or
both, must be very bad in Maine.
This is the way one editor alludes to
another: “The pauper drunkard who
runs the Portland Press has capsized
his slush bucket and befouled him
self all over again.”
Quite a row is going on between
the post office department and the
lottery men. The postmaster gen
eral has stopped the letters of the
lottery men, and the latter deny his
right to do so. The matter has
gone into the courts.
The president has lectured some
Virginia republicans for voting with
the democratic readjusters, and the
republicans aforesaid say that Mr.
Hayes has never helped the party in
the south and request him to attend
to his own business.
The Sultan of Turkey is being
treated pretty much like any other
man. Being unable to settle his lit
tle bills, his grocers have stopped
furnishing him with supplies. The
Sublime Porte will have to take a
homestead if this sort of thing con
tinues.
The New York Times (Rep.) com
mends the “independent-democratic
movement in Georgia” to the watch
ful care and affection of southern re
publicans, and seems to believe that
the votes controlled by this inde
pendent faction can be polled for
Grant next year.
Mr. Longfellow has had presented
to him an iron pen made from a fet
ter of Bounivard, the Prisoner of
Chilion; the handle of wood from
the frigate, “Constitution,” and
bounded with a circlet of gold, inset
with three precious stones from Si
beria, Ceylon and Maine.
The Philadelphia Times says:
There’s just one thing wanted now
to give the Grant boom its grandest
boost. If Jeff Davis would only say
that the election of Grant to a third
term would be the death knell of
free government, the ex-officehold
ers could sit down and wait for
1881 with confidence. Go for him,
boys!
ity
OD
The GaiNEsville Eagle
VOL. Xi IL
A FIERY ORDEAL.
RY W, 1.
“Marry him, if you will. No
daughter of mine shall have it in her
power to say that she was compelled
to run from her father’s home; but
remember, after the ceremony is per
formed, and you leave my house on
your husband's arm, never appeal to
me for help of any kind, for, by the
heavens above, as you sow so shall
you reap.”
These were the words, tremblingly
uttered, Madge repeated to me as we
walked through the park together,
her little hand resting on my arm.
I gave it a confiding little squeeze,
despite its dainty glove, as she con
cluded.
“Well, darling, it is not so dread
ful, after all. If you are willing to
forego luxury and wealth for a poor
man’s home and hearth, we will try
and never put your father to the test
of making good his word. He prom
ises to give you to me, even though
he feels your taste has been so rep
rehensible, and that is that great
point gained, after all. Tell me,
Madge, as the time draws near, do
you hesitate? Do not fear to speak
frankly. You know how small a sal
ary I possess, how few of the luxuries
you have hitherto thought necessities
I can give you, how different must
be your future from your past. Is
the sacrifice too great ?”
“Hush, Roy!” she answered,
“Have we not talked this all over be
fore? Do you not know how wholly
lam yours, that you should thus
doubt me ? But it seems so cruel
that papa should be so hard and
stern to his only child.”
“My darling, I exclaimed, “it is
because you are his only one that be
is bo —because his hopes and ambi
tions for y m were commensurate
with his love —because your beauty
would have graced any home in this
land—that I seem to him a thief who
has stolen his most precious treasure,
to hide it under a bushel.”
“Stolen!” she echoed, smiling
through her tears. “If the plunder
creeps into the thief’s pocket, be is
surely not to be blamed for walking
off with it.”
So the day was set for our wed
ding. It was a grand affair, as befit
the marriage of the daughter of the
senior member of the firm of Mil
burn & Co., but before the ceremony
my father-in-law-to-be took the pre
caution to repeat his warning and
decision—
“ Remember, not a penny, sir, either
now or at my death. You have stolen
my child—you must abide the issue.”
“I am no fortune-hunter, Mr. Mil
burn,” I replied. “Madge and I are,
it is true, to begin life, but we do
not fear, since we are together. Our
home will be very bumble, sir, but
you will always find in it a welcome.”
“I shall never darken its doors,
Mr. Leighton. Good morning.”
A few hours afterwards, as the sa
cred question, “Who giveth this
woman to be married to this ?” the
stern, white-haired old man placed
Maggie’s little trembling hand in
mine, and as my Ange'S closed on it
I knew that henceforth I was its sole
protection.
’Mid flowers, and light, and fra
grance, my darling, in her white sat
in robes, with diamonds gleaming at
her throat and in her ears —her dead
mother’s legacy — walked bravely
down the long aisle, leaning upon
my arm
Then followed lip congratulations
from many friends, who turned away
to wonder at her choiie, until the
hour came when I could tear her from
them all.
For a few weeks we wandered at
will, here, there and everywhere; then
we returned to the hone I bad pro
vided for my wife, M; heart sank as
we entered the two rooms which
hereafter were to be otr castle.
I had made them as pretty as I
could, but I knew of the contrast
which must strike her. But, if so,
she gave no sign. She moved about
like a child, putting little skillful
touches here and thero, until every
thing seemed transfoimed into sud
den beauty.
How can I tell of the happy days,
gliding into weeks andmonths,which
followed ? True to his word, my
wife’s father never hid crossed our
threshold.
She had written to him once, but
his reply bad been so harsh that she
had burst into bitter weeping, and
would have destroyed it ere I could
read it, but that I snatched from the
flames to which she bad condemned
it.
“When you desire to return to
your father’s house as you left
it acknowledging your wrong,
I confessing your mistake, and re
nouncing forever the man who has
entailed all this misery upon you—
then, and not until then, will I ac
knowledge yoa as a daughter.’’
I made her promise me, as I held
her tightly pressed to my heart, while
I kissed away her tears and watched
the fire consume the cruel words, that
she would make no further attempt
at reconciliation, while I struggled to
keep back the curse that trembled
on my lips.
I had saved little from my salary;
nor was it a large one. It had been,
perhaps, a rash thing to take my
darling from her luxurious home to
struggle on upoo it; but I let her see
as little of the struggle as might be,
and worked bravely on towards a fu
ture and success.
Like a thunderbolt th end came.
I had always been a favorite with
my employers. My ambition was to
one day become a member of the
firm; but, after I had been two
months married, its senior partner
summoned me into his office, and,
refusing all explanation, informed
me, handing me a liberal instalment
of my salary in advance, that my
services would be no longer needed.
For two long hours I walked the
streets before I dared trust my elf
with this new, horrible secret before
my wife.
Day after day, I left her in the
morning at the usual hour, and spent
the long, weary hours in searching
GAINESVILLE, GA., FRIDAY MORNING. DECEMBER 5, 1879.
for a position, only to meet with bit
ter disappointments and refusals. I
understood later why so many doors
were closed against me which I
thought would have opened 1 at my
appeal, as I also learned to whose
hand I owed the situation in which
I stood
But one night, as I came home
weary and discouraged, Madge stole
to my side and nestled there.
“What is it, dear, that is troubling
you? Do not keep it from me; I
must know.”
Then I discovered how poorly I
had kept my secret; but at her words
it burst its bonds, and I told her of
the useless search of weeks, after my
strange and sudden dismissal from
the firm, She grew very pale when
I had finished—so pale that I re
proached myself for letting her share
my burden, but she only murmured
words of love and cheer, mingled
with her kisses.
One morning there came to me an
envelope addressed ia an unknown
hand. It contained a prospectus of
a scheme for emigration, with a
brilliant future promised in a far dis
tant land. Somehow the thought
haunted me, until I determined to
see and talk with the instigators of
the plan. To my surprise, they of
fered me inducements to join them
which it seemed madness to discard;
and yet could I ask my wife to share
a lot which might entail both hard
ship and privation ?
The vessel was to sail the following
week. Within three days they must
have an answer. When I reached
home, worn with excitement and fa
tigue, my rooms were dark, empty
and cheerless. For the first time the
door had not flown open at my step,
nor did the little wife spring to meet
me.
Trembling with a nameless fear,
I struck a light. A cold weight was
resting upon my heart, when sudden
ly I saw upon the table an envelope
addressed to me, in my wife’s hand.
Eagerly I tore it open. The enclos
ure ran:
“Forgive me, but I could bear it
no longer. I have accepted my fa
ther’s terms, and returned to my fa
ther s home. The responsibility was
killing you, the suffering me. I tried
to hide it, but you must have seen it.
Forgive me, Roy, and forget me.
“Madge.”
Through the long hours of that
night I paced my room, holding the
letter crushed in my hand. Once I
drew my pistol from its case, and
stood with its cold muzzle pressed
against my temple; but Madge’s
voice even in that bitter hour seemed
to call me, and yet had power t >
make me dash the pistol to the ground
though I cursed her and her heart
lessness.
Only that morning she had smiled*
; nto my face—only that morning
clung about my neck with fervent
words of love, and comfort, and hope
—and all the time this purpose had
been in her mind.
It could not be. It was a wicked,
cruel deception. When day dawned
I sat down and wrote to her in burn
ing words, imploring her to return
to me, if but to receive one last kiss
ere I sailed.
My messenger returned, saying the
lady said it was best to send no an
swer. She was glad I had deter
mined on this plan.
In another week I was on the broad
seas, a hopeless, wretched man. Yet,
on sea or land, I strove in vain far
forgetfulness. The dull weight of
agony never lifted i: self from my
heart—the memory of my wife was
ever with me.
Now that life was barren, desolate,
with no hope nor future, all pros
pered with me. Yet for five long
years I struggled on, letting the
wealth amass which now availed me
nothing. Then a strange homesick
ness took possession of me.
The days and nights of that long
journey homewards seemed endless,
the ship’s ceaseless noise to burn into
my very brain, until at last I heard
the cry of “Land 1” and knew that
it was ended.
For the first time I rejoiced in my
wealth, as I stood at Mr. Milburn’s
door, and sought admission. At
least, my motive would not be mis
understood.
The man servent ushered me into
the parlor, while, in the room be
yond, I caught a glimpse of a lady
in deep mourning robes, and by her
side a little child.
My heart beat fast and heavily.
The memory of my bitter wrongs
seemed swept away in that glimpse
of Eden.
The next moment I grew cold and
stern, as that tall, slender figure rose,
and came forward to meet the stran
ger the servent said awated her.
All the old grace was there, ming
led with a new sadness of expression
on the beautiful face, as she advanc
de, until her eyes rested on me,
when, with both hands outstretched,
and a low cry of “Roy!” she tottered
forward and fell at my feet.
I called no help, and myself restor
ed her to consciousness.
“Why—why did you leave me? ’
she moaned, when her eyes at last
unclosed, and the iittle one, calling
“Mamma!’’ threw his arm about her
neck.
Then I lifted my boy into my em
brace, ere I dared answer.
“Leave you?” I said, struggling for
calm. “Did I not come home to find
it desolate, forsaken? Ask no ques
tions! Answer mine!”
With wild, bewildered eyes she
looked into my face, and then, oh,
heaven! with five years of our lives
swept away, told me th« truth!
After I had left her that day a
note had come from her father, sum
moning her to his sickbed. She bad
obeyed, expecting to return ere I did.
He had feigned a severe illness, and
begged her so persistently not to
leave him, that, feeling it her duty to
stay, and hoping to soften him, she
had despatched a note to me to that
effect.
Needless to state, the forgery I re
ceived had been substituted. Fool
that I had been not to have suspected
itl
Each day she had written to me,
each day her notes had been intercep
ted, until she was at last permitted
to return to her borne —her father
having assured her of his forgiveness
—to find it deserted.
She had been told I had deserted
her, abandoned her, weary of my
fight with poverty,- and my name
shown her among the list of emigrant
passengers. 1
For months she hovered between
life and death, and only the baby
boy, who she said looked at her with
hia father’s eyes, and who bore his
father’s name, gave her strength to
love and to ‘pray for the hour,
whi had come at last.
“And your father did thief” I
questioned, at last, when I had held
her once more more in my arms, and
measured her-suffering by my owi.
“The man who hears the relation
ship to you that I do to this little
child, who—ah, how plainly I now
see it!—took from me the position I
held, deprived me of all hope of
gaining another by closing every
door against me, threw into my way
the trap which should secure my
absence, made his only child a widow,
and all because I was poor-—in the
way his of ambition and his pride!
Te 1 me, Madge, why shall I not heap
curses on his head?’’
For answer, my wife pointed to
her dress of deepest black.
“He died very suddenly but a few
days go,” she said, in a bitter burst
of weeping. ‘*lHe tried so hard
to say something at the last, but he
was brought home speechless, and I
could only catch the word, “For
give!” Roy, darling, in this hour,
when, pray heaven, the future
stretches before us as atonement ■ for
the past, you will not harden yonr
heart to that last prayer; or, if not
for my sake, or for his, for this little
one, whom he had learned to love so
well.”
I had passed through the firery or
deal; though I spoke noword, the
kiss I stamped upon my baby’s brow
carried the last drop of bitterness
from my bursting heart, and gave
my darling—the wife whom I had
lost and found— the answer which
she sought
Mark Twain on Babies.
At the banquet at the Palmer
House, Chicago, to the members of
the army of the Tennessee, the usual
toasts were drunk and responded to
in an able manner. Mark Twain re
sponded to the toast of “The babies.’’
It was greeted on all sides with
laughter. It was as follows:
“The babies”—As they comfort us
in our sorrow, let us not forget them
in our festivities. [Laughter.] I
like that. We haven’t all had the
good fortune to be ladies [Laugh
ter J We haven’t, all been general®]
or poets or statesmen- But whurP
toasts work down to babies, we stand
on common ground, for we have all
been there; we have all been babies.
[Laughter and applause.] It is a
shame that for thousands of years
the world’s banquets have utterly
ignored the baby as if he didn’t
amount to anything. If you gentle
men will stop and think a minute;
if you will go back fifty or one hun
dred years to your early married life
[laughter], and contemplate
first baby, you will remember th at he
amounted to a good deal, and even
something over. You soldiers, you
all know when that little fellow ar
rived at family headquarters, you
had to hand in your resignation.
[Laughter.] He took entire com
mand. You became his lackey, his
body-servant, and you had to stand
around, too. He was not a com
mander who made allowances for
time, distance, weather or anything
else. You had to execute his order
whether it was possible or not [laugh
ter] ; and there was only one form of
marching in his manual of tactics,
and that double-quick. He treated
you with every sort of insolence and
disrespect, and the bravest of you
didn’t dare to say a word. You could
face the death-storm of Donaldson
and Vicksburg, and gave back blow
for blow [applause]; but when he
clawed your whiskers and pulled your
hair and twisted your nose you had
to take it. [Liughter.] When the
thunders of war were sounding in
your ears you set your face toward
batteries and advanced with steady
tread; but when he turned on the
terrors of his war-whoops you ad
vanced in another direction [laugh
ter] —and mighty glad of the chance,
too. When he called for soothing
syrup, did you venture to throw out
any side remarks about certain ser
vice being unbecoming an officer and
a general? [Laughter.] No, you
got up and got it. If he ordered his
pap-bottle, did you talk back ? No,
you went to work and warmed it.
You even descended so far in your
menial office as to take sup at that
warm, insipid stuff yourself to see
if it was right—three parts water to
one of milk, a touch of sugar to mod
ify the colic and a drop of pepper
mint to kill the immortal hiccough.
I can taste it yet, [Roars of laugh
ter] And how many things you
learned as you went along. Senti
mental young folks still take stock in
that beautiful old saying, that when
the baby smiles in his sleep it is be
cause angels are whispering to him.
Very pretty, but too thin. [Laugh
ter,] Simply wind on the stomach.
My friends, if the baby proposed to
take a walk at his usual heur, 2:30
in the morning, didn’t you rise up
promptly and remark with a mental
addition which wouldn’t improve the
Sunday school much, that it was the
very thing ' ou were about to propose
yourself? [Roars.] Oh, yes, you
were under good discipline, and as
you went fluttering up and down the
room in your undress uniform, you
not only prattled undignified baby
talk, but you tuned up your martial
voice and tried to sing “Rock a by,
baby, in the tree top,’’ for instance.
What a spectacle for the army of the
Tennessee [roars of laughter], and
what an affliction for the neighbors,
too ! For it isn’t everybody within a
mile around that likes military music (
at 3 o’clock in the morning, and
when you had been keeping this sort
of thing up two or three hours, and
your little velvet had intimated that
nothing suited him like exercise and
noise, what did you say ? You sim
ply went on till you dropped in the
last ditch. [Great laughter ] The
idea that a baby don’t amount to any
thing! Why, one baby is just a
house and front yard by itself. If
one baby can’t furnish more business
than you and your whole interior de
partment can attend to, he is not en
terprising. Irrepressible, brimful of
lawless activity, do what you plea’e,
yoa can’t make him stay on his res
ervation. [Prolonged laughter,]
Sufficient unto the day is one baby.
As long as you are in your right
mind, don’t you ever pray for twins.
Yes, it was high time for the toast
master to recognize the importance
of babies. Think what is in store for
the present crop. Fifty years hence
we shall all be dead, I trust; and then
this flag, if it still survives, and let
us hope it may, will be floating over
a republic numbering 200,000,000.
According to the settled laws of in
crease, our present schooner of state
will have grown into a political levi
athan Great Eastern, and the cradled
babies of to-day will be on deck. Let
them be well trained, for we are going
to leave a big contract on their hands.
[Applause'] Among the three or
four million cradles now rooking in
this land are some which the nation
would preserve uges as sacred things
if we could know which ones they
are. In one of these cradles an un
conscious Farragut of the future is
at this moment teething. Tnink of
it. And putting in the world of dead
earnest, unutterable, but perfectly
justifiable profanity over it, too.
[Laughter.] In another a future
renowned astronomer is blinking at
the shining milky substance with but
languid interest, the poor little chap,
and wondering what is to become of
him. In another a future great his
torian is lying, and doubtless he will
continue to lie till his earthly mission
is ended. [Laughter ] In another
a future pr. sident is busying himself
with no profounder problem of state
than that of what the mischief has
become of his hair so early, and in
mighty array in other cradles there
are some 60,000 future office-seekers
getting ready to furnish him the oc
casion to grapple with that same old
problem a second time. And still in
one more cradle somewhere under
the flag the future illustrious com
mander-in-chief of the American
armies is so little burdened with his
approaching grandeurs and responsi
billties as to be giving his whole stra
tegic mind at this moment to trying
to find out some way to get his own
big-toe into his mouth. [Laughter,]
A J UST REBUKE.
'Hvatblu'K Airtwsr'of a. Lawyer to an At
torney who Had Jeered at His Infirm
ity.
The Kokoma Dispatch relates an
incident that occurred in the court
room during the recent term of the
circuit court, which placed Mr. Mil
ton Garrigus at the mercy of ESward
T. Johnson, Eeq., of this city, afford
ing Mr. Johnson an opportunity to
administer to the Kokoma attorney
a rebuke as severe as it was merited.
Mr. Johnson is quite deaf, and the
infirmity is so serious as to require
the corstant use of an ear trumpet.
The man Garrigus made the use of
the trumpet the occasion for sundry
vulgar flings and jeers. In his clos
ing speech, Mr. Johnson referred to
the matter as follows:
Several times during the trial the
gentleman has sneered contemptu
ously at my infirmity, and at the un
sightly ear-trumpet which it compels
me to use. Mr. ear sir, if this trum
pet is so distastiful to you, try to im
agine how loathsome it is to me. I
never look at it without a shudder.
My hands never touche it that I do
not struggle with the impulse to fling
it from me as the most hideous thing
on earth. Should you put that trum
pet to your ear you would hear
sounds that would make your eye
balls start from their sockets. You
would hear the heaving and tossing
of the most dreadful billows of suffer
ing that ever rolled across a human
soul. You would hear groaning un
utterable, denoting the agony, both
physical and mental, through which
I have pasted during the last five
years. You would hear the fierce
shock of a lofty ambition suddenly
dethroned, and the tumbling and
falling of crushed and ruined hopes.
Try again, and you may hear the
heart broken cry of a young father,
as he strained his deaf ears in vain to
catch the last whispered words of his
dying child. Jesus Christ, blessed be
His sacred name, often wept, but
never jeered at the misfortunes of
humanity. My friend, I know you
did not mean what you said. The
words came from your lips, not from
your heart. And I now give your
flings with this assurance: If
the heavy hand of misfortune should
ever be laid on you, stripping you of
your splendid and perfect manhood,
in all this wide world no heart will
offer you more profound and sincere
sympathy than mine.
The Dispatch says: “When the
last words fell from his lips there was
scarcely a dry eye in the room. Sev
eral of the jurors, great strong men,
wept warm tears of sympathy for the
injured man, and many of the law
yers present cried with mingled joy
and sorrow. Every face was blanched
and a dead silence rested on the
scene. Every heart present went out
in tender sympathy to the unfortun
ate man, whose infirmity was the
cause of the brutal insult, and utter
contempt for him who gave the cruel
stab filled every breast. Mr. John
son himself was visibly affected; he
had been touched to the soul; but
his words were not steeped iu gall,
but tempered with forgiveness and
deep hart. The scene was highly
dramatic and deeply thrilling. Old
lawyers who heard it declared that
its like in force, in dramatic effect
and scathing rebuke has never been
before heard in our court house.
Mr. Garrigus’ discourtesy and insult
are unqualifiedly condemned by
the entire bar of the city. The senti
ments is unanimous that a similar in-
fraction of common decency, not to
say professional decorum, will result
in the expulsion of the offender from
practice in this court. Mr. Garrigus
sat with ashen lips and heard the
speech through, and wisely attemp
ted no reply. He even failed to apol
ogize to the wronged man. Such
conduct on the part of a state sena
tor and lawyer of some pretensions
is utterly unpardonable, and writes
him down as a man of course in
stincts, and wanting in those finer
sensibilites that mark the true gentle
man. For the sake of the city’s repu
tation, the Dispatch will desist from a
further characterization in fit and
merited terms of this breach of Mr.
Garrigus’ professional conduct. His
punishment hae already been severe.
The lesson should not be lost on the
bar.
A Heartless Imposture.
He didn’t enter the village in a
forty-six horse band-wagon, or in
any other high-toned, stylish way,
but . came by Walker’s line. His
raiment was not of the kind that
could well be calculated to get away
with the attire of Solomon in all his
glory; and his countenance didn’t
impress the public deeply as a sign
of a soul uplifted, He walked into a
saloon, and announced that he had
the colic.
“Drug store three doors up—
doctor on the corner.’’ was the un
feeling reply of the first assistant en
gineer.
He wasn’t disconcerted. He gazed
around for a minute or so, and then
addressed a group of young men
who were seriously engaged in a
pastime which they called “Califor
nia Jack.”
“Gentlemen,” said he, “perhaps
you would oblige a stranger with a
little information. I’m here in search
of an engagement. Perhaps you
might put me on to one. I am,
sirs, the world-famed Professor
Veribeeri, late of the Strikeout Opera
Company—first tenor of that ilk,
gentlemen.”
Then h*e folded his arms like a
statute of Napoleon, and frowned
haughtily.
One of the young men, who had
just got out, took him by the arm
and led him aside.
“You say you are a boss singist? ’
he asked anxiously.
The professor cleared his throat,
and began to show symptoms of an
exhibition of his powers.
“No, no,” said the young mao,
hastily, “I’ll take your word for it.
Now, see here, I want something in
your line, and if you will do it I'll
pay you well. I suppose you may
be willing to accept a five dollar job,
eh?”
“Yes, sir,’’ said the professor, as I
fear my letters to the bank have mis
carried, I —ah—just at present—’’
“I see —exactly. Well, when you
was coming up the street you must
have noticed that large white house
with eagles on the gate-pos s ? Yes.
Very well. My girl lites there, you
know, and I’d like to serenade her;
but I ain’t on the sing myself. If
you could go around to night and
touch up your harmony on the front
gallery, I’d fix it all right with the
servant girl to slip out and hand you
a V for your trouble. What do you
say ?’’
“My dear sir,” said the professor,
“I shall oblige you most gladly.”
“Thm here’s four bits to run you
till night. Good-by see you to-mor
row.”
It was midnight when the profes
sor opened out before the large white
house. He was somewhat far gone
in “booze,” as he had invested his
dalf-dollar entirely in that article,
and his ideas of serenade music were
not in good working order. He went
in on that ancient lyric:
“In the Green Mountings there did dwell
A loveli youth—l knowed him well—
“Old Deacon Jones’ eldest son,
And skeerceli turned of twenti one.
“One day this nice young man did go—”
And finished the ballad with due
mournfulness of expression. Then
he sang several more songs, and be
gan to wonder why the servant did
not come with the money.
“Guess that girl mus’ ’a’ pizened
’self,” said he. “Well, here goes
again.”
“But, as the first strains "Little
Fraud” arose on the circumambient
air, a passing citizen hailed him:
“Sa-a-y, what yer yowlin’ about
there ?”
“Serenading the young lady, sir,”
politely replied the professor.
“Young lady! In your mind.
Don’t you know that’s the court
house ?”
The professor folded his ears like
the Arabbits and silently, etc.— New
Orleans Times.
Explainins a Joke.
He came into the office modestly
and shyly, as was befitting, and asked
to see the man who put jokes in the
paper. The joker was engaged in
reading some verj exciting tales of
trade and navigation returns, in or
der to inform “An old Subscriber”
how maay gallons of beeswax had
been exported from the province of
Prince Edward Island in the year
1871, and was consequently in a very
hilarious mood The visitor took off
his hat, mopped his forehead with a
dirty handkerchief and placed before
the newspaper map a scrap of paper
on which was written:
“When Sir Joseph Porter dies the
company will be treated to half and
half—Porter and bier.”
The newpaoer man read it. looked
up, and exclaimed, “What is it ail
about ?
“It’s just a little joke, you see.”
“Ah ! I didn’t notice, I will read it
again.”
He reperused, and then asked—
“ What is the joke ?’
“Why, the. play on words—a pun,
you know—Porter and bier.”
“Oh, ah, yes—Porter and bier.
Well, did you ask Mr. Porter about
this? Will he be pleased to see his
name in the paper in that connec
tion ?”
‘*Why, there is no such a person.
Sir Joseph Porter is a character in
‘Pinafore.’”
“Well,’* mused the newpaper man,
"if there is no such person I don’t
see bow he can die. A per;; wh>'
don’t exist can’t die very successfully.
Any attempt to kill a man who don’t
exist must necessarily prove a fail
ure.
J'But you don’t understand,” ex
plained the amateur joker. “Yon
see the whole point is in the play
on the two words—porter and bier.
Porter and beer mixed is called half
and half, Now you catch the idea,
don’t you ?”
“Well, I understand it so far. But
where’s the joke ?”
“Why, I explained—”
“Yes; I know that you explained.
You said porter and beer mixed is
called half and half. But that kind
of porter is not a man—it is a liquor,
and anyhow, you don’t spell beer
right;”
“But that’s the point. You notice
that the words hare different mean
ings and the same sound. It is to
bring out the different idea that the
word itself conveys that I have tried-,
and I flatter myself— ’’
“No, no,” interrupted the newspa
per man, “not flatter.” Your gram
mar is at fault. The joke is flat, not
flatter."
At this point some of the people in
the sanctum interfered, and the ene
my beat a graceful retreat without
any casualties.
—<.
Gen. Grant and the Nicaraguan
Canal.
A Washington dispatch says: “Ad
miral Arnmeti L-as received anothjr
letter from General Grant in refer
ence to the Nicaraguan canal. Gen
eral Grant continues to show the
greatest interest in the scheme, and
mentions that he has received com
munications on the subject from
parties representing the French capi
talists. General Grant wili have an
interview in Pniladelphia, a few days
before ho leaves for Mexico and Cu
ba, with the representatives of both
French and American capitalists,
which, it is expected, will have an
important bearing on the future
prospects of the work General
Grant, as bus stated, expects to
sail for Cuba an Mexico on the. 20th
of December His visit, hi minks,
will occupy J-out three months
From Mexico bi experts t<» return t.
the United St*. «- through
.slid will take ail the i-rr-cr. <•
< f the south in bis tour through luat
section.”
The powers of a horse’s memory
were illustrated at Rochester, N. Y ,
the other day, where the driver of a
hook and ladder truck ti itd an exper
iment. Three and a half y»-&rs ago
the city sold a team of horses thai
had been used for drawing the truck,
and since then they have been em
ployed in different work. The other
day the driver took the horses into
the truck-house and turned them
loose, whereupon each went directly
to his own stall and when a gong was
sounded they ran out and took their
accustomed positions at the tongue
of the machine.
An Arab who was quarrying stone
at a place about four and a half miles 1
from Gaza, in Palestine, recently,
unearthed a marble figure supposed
to -be a colossal god of the Philis
tines. The total height is fifteen feet.
The hair hangs in long ringlets down
upon the shoulders, and the beard is
long, indicating a man of venerable
age. There is no inscription on the
figure or pedestal, which is a huge
block carved in one piece with the
figure. The statue was found in a
recumbent position, buried in sand
on the top of a hill near the sea.
The Japanese government has
charged Dr. E. Naumann, a son of
the famous German mineralogist,
with making a systematic geological
survey of the empire. Sixty thou
sand dollars annually has been grant
ed for that purpose for twelve years.
A “Geographical Society,” recently
founded at Tokio, proposes to devote
its energies more especially to the
geography of Japan. Most, if not
all, of its members are Japanese,
among them being several high dig
nitaries of state.
“Teacher: “Now, boys, quadruped
and biped, you know are two kinds
of animals. Quadruped, animals
with four legs, such as cow, ele
phant, hors< , etc. Biped, animals
with two legs, such as—well, ah .
Yes there is a biped,” pointing to a
picture of a goose on the wall, “and
I am a biped, and you are all bipeds.
Now what am I?” Pause. One of
the bipeds—“A goose, sir.”
How li‘tle the women of Boston
the privilege accorded them of
voting on matters concerning the
schools, is shown by the tact that at
the close of the books Tuesday night
it was found that but about one
thousand, all told, had registered
And yet we are told that the Women’s
Suffrage association is preparing for
a formidable raid on congress this
winter.
The actual returns of the present
year’s crops in the south, as far as
known, are interring. The cotton
yield is larger by half a million of
bales than ever before in the days of
slavery . The tobacco crop is greater
by twelve million pounds than last
year, and the produceion of sugar
exceeds by two hundred thousand
tjpgeheads that of 1878.
‘Beautiful Ven ce, pride of the sea,’
; will soon be a mere common city,
' with streets and carriages replacing
( its picturesque gondolas and their
beautiful water ways. Modern pro
gress has tainted the unique city and
every year adds a new street and fills
up an old canal, and the glory of the
winged lion is departing.
He said he wanted her to be his
helpmeet, and she replied that she
could never be more than assister to
him.
SM ALL BITS
or Varloni Kind, Carelek.ly Thrown
Together. \
The dress circle—the belt,
j
A tight place—a bar room.
A vain fowl—a weathercock.
Woman’s writes—Postscripts.
A pair off—An eloping couple.
Barefooted boys begin to draw
their toes in.
Should laundresses strike while
the iron is hot?
The stove booUi is the Intent in do
mestic circles.
Even the bootblack says his busi
ness is brightening up.
The Peruvian army gets along
without ambulances.
A touching incident—A physician
feeling a patient’s pulse.
New York polio* stations are called
“club houses’’ now.
One of the cheapest thing; in the
world is a pleasant smile.
Adam was the first man who went
in the go-as-you-please style.
“A good workman is known by
chips”—and so is a good poker
player.
The bi st thing m the long run—
not honesty, but a good, stout pair
of lungs.
“When the swallows homeward
fly," then the homeward fly is swal
lowed.
Women are archers by nature. The
b<it of their inclinatieu is to bend
beaux.
A saw for the times; “No man
should live beyond the means of his
creditors.”
When an Erie, Pa., man stops
drinking his friends pronounce him
a case of Erie-eip less.
A cockney described falling in love
as an insane desire to pay a young
woman’s board.
There is only one thing that is
more terrible than to say a mean
thing, and that is to do one.
Somebody remarks that it is quite
evident there are more liars than bal
loons in this country.
Women admire strength without
seeking to imitate it; men, gentle
ness, without bestowing it in re
turn.
A bust is less than a half length.
When a man goes on a bust, how
ever, he is apb to go his extreme
iengths.
A lie is like a counterfeit bill.
It may pass through a great many
ands, but it will be found out at
iaSt.
The demand for iron is now so
brisk that a burglar who wants a
“jimmy must leave his order a we: k
in advance.
The best lip salve is a kiss. This
remedy should be used wi n caution,
as it is liable to bring on an aff-ction
of the heart.
Good temper is like a sunny day;
it sheds a brightness ovei everything;
it is the sweetener of toil and the
soother of disquietude.
A man out West has invented a
process of- making lumber out cf
straw. If this thing keeps on we
will soon be able to board for noth
ing.
“Gentleman: “I say, waiter, Ivo
just cracked this egg. Look at is.”
Waiter: “Don’t look very nice at
that end, sir, I must say. Try the
other.”
How is it, asks the Albany Journal
that trees can put on a new
without opening their trunks? Be
cause they leave out their summer
clothing.
A mob tarred and feathered a
comic singer out West for eloping
with another man’s wife. His mana
ger bills him now as the “Great
Feathered Songster.’’
A celebrated German chemist, to
whom was addressed the question.
“What is man ?” promptly replied,
“A pinch of phosphorus and a buck
etful of water.”
The Rochester Express tells of a
person who “was born, married and
buried on the same day.” We never
heard of any person being married as
young as that.
A New Hampshire farmer indorsed
a SSOO note of hand for a neighbor
under the idea that he was petition
ing the town board to restrain hogs
from running at large.
A bad wife is a shackle on her hus
band’s feet, a burden on his should
ers, a palsy to uis hands, smoke to
his ©yes, vinegar to his teeth, a
thorn to his side, a dagger to his
heart.
It is said -there is one wife in
Stamford, Conn., who honestly be
lieves that her husband thinks just
as much of h ras on the day they
were married. He had to marry her
or go to jail.
Scotchman: “Here laddie. Tak
this’ luggage tae the Waverley Ho
tel, ye ken, and I’ll gie ye a bawbee
tae yersel’. ’ Street boy: “Never!
How’ll ye pay it ? All at once, or by
installments ?’’
“Tom,” said a girl to her sweet
heart, “you have been paying your
distresses to me long enough. It is
time you made known your conten
tions, so as not to keep me in exp nse
any longer.”
It is against the law to carry con
cealed arms, yet the Rome Sentinel
says its nothing uncommon on moon
light evenings to see young ladies
with half-concealed arms around
their necks.
Florida holds are hunting the
snakes from the bed-rooms, driving
out the alligators from the dining
rooms and dusting the centipedes
from the closets, preparatory to re
opening for the winter.
A young man dressed in the height
of fashion, and with a poetic turn of
mind, was driving along a country
road, and, upon gazing at the pond
which skirted the highway, said,
“Oh, how I would like to lave nJ
heated head in those cooling waters! ’
An Irishman, overhearing the excla
mation, immediately replied. “Bedad,
you might lave it there acd
wouldn’t eink.”
NO. 48