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tffit 3ftfciuife ftSaonmi,
IS .PUBLISHED WEEKLY
—A T—
THOMSON. O-A...
—B Y—
GERALD & WHITE.
BUSINESS CARDS.
DR. WM McLEAN
ANNOUNCES TO THE CITIZENS OF
THOMSON AND VICINITY
ti»t he has resumed the practice of his
profession.
WHEN NOT PROFESSIONALLY
engaged he may be found at
M&mi&tqm M&iyqb»
NEAR THOMSON, GA.
July 16, ts
E. B.
IMPORTER and dealer in
WINES, ALES,
(il'OnS, pOBTEBS,
Cigars, Etc.
Cornet* Broad, and Jack-
KOtt Street,
AUGUSTA, Ca.
«v » _ tt
C. HUDSON-
Attohney at law,
Go.
prompt attention given to all busi
ness entrusted to his care.
March 12. 6m
PALMER HOUSE.
(Over Bignon <fc Crump’s Auction Store,)
SB4 Broad Street, Augusta, Georgia.
J. J. PALMER, Proprietor.
Good board furnished by the week, month
or day.
April 9 3m
R, W. H. NEAL,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
THOMSON, GA.
Office.—Over J. H. Montgomery’s Store.
CHARLES S. DuBOSE,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
WARRENTON, GA.
5-iT Will practice in the oourts of the
Northern, Middle and Augusta Circuits.
H C. RONEY7
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
THOMSON, GA.
Will practice in the Augusta, North
ern and Middle Circuits. nolyl
WALTON CLARKE & CO.
Wholesale Grocers
—AND —
Commission Merchants,
3055, Broad Street,
Jan. 22, —ly. AUGUSTA, GA.
A. D, HILL,
Druggist and Apothecary,
THOMSON, GA-,
Keeps constantly on hand a full and com
plete supply of Drugs, Medicines, Chemicals,
Paints, Oils, Varnishes, Class, Putty, Pure
Wines and Liquors for Medicinal purposes.
Kerosene Oil of ISO fire test; also Lamps.
Chimiiies and JJurnes.
ALSO, Just received a fresh supply of
Buists Warranted Carden Seeds.
Prescriptions carefully compounded.
jan 15 fflfl
Thomson High School
run mu's Jtjrn antes.
IN. A. LEWIS, PBD.rrr.iL.
MISS E. P. BRADSHAW, Assistant.
The Spring Term began on the With of
■fas. 1873, and embraces six scholastic
months.
The Fall Term begins August 11th and I
er* v '
rour montn*. .
Por particulars apply to the Principal.,
Feb, It U.
Central Hotel,
BTZT
MRS. W. M. THOMAS,
AUGUSTA. GEORGIA
seplltf
The Oldest Piano Establishment in Georgia
Established in Charleston in 1838.
Established in Augusta in 1848.
George A. Oats,
DEALER IN
•PIANO FORTES,CABINET ORGANS
BOOKS,
Music and Stationery ?
■ 240 Broad Street, Angusta, Georgia.
Sole agent for
STEINWAY & SON, NEW YORK,
AND FOB
CHARLES M. STEIFF, OF BALTIMORE
Celebrated Pianos,
Also a variety of other makes.
A.LSG sole Agent for
l. A.I PRINCE A CO'S., ™ ESTEY'S
CELEBRATED CABINET ORGANS,
All of which are warranted for five years.
Gg- All Pianos sold, delivered at the
nearest railroad depot, and the putting-up
superintended if necessary.
C3* Descriptive Catalogues sent on ap
plication: ana references given,
S<T For saU for Cash or City Acceptance.
May 7. 3m.
1 O SAMPLES sept byroad for 50c. that
L & retail quick for $lO. R. L. WOL
COTT, 181 Chatham-wjuare, N. Y.
Oihc WitM% Jmtijiral
VOLUME III—NUMBER 34.
It
peculator]
For over FORTY YEARS this
Purely "Vegetable
LIVER MEDICINE has proved to be the
Great Unfailing Speeiflo
for Liver Complaint and its painful ,<r
spring, DYSPEPSIA, CONSTD* ■
Jaundice, Bilious sttaoks. tree nt,.n
ACHE, Colic, Depress!*- ,
STOMACH, Ue»- , jU of 5 925
FEVER. &o -.ibum, CHILLS AND
„ years of careful experiments, to meet
. great and urgent demand, we now produce
from our original Genuine Powders.
The Prepared.
A Liquid form of SIMMONS’ LIVER REGU
LATOR, containing all its wonderful and
valuable properties, and offer it in
ne Dollar Bottles,
The Powders, (price as before,) SIOO per
package. Sent by mail, 1.04
CiT CAUTION !
Buy no Powders or PREPARED SIM
MONS' LIVER REGULATOR, unless in
our engraved wrapper, with Trade mark,
Stamp and Signature unbroken. None
other is genuine.
J. H. ZEILIN & CO.,
MAOON, GA. AND PHILADELPHIA.
SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS
BRUMMEL’S
LADIES’ BITTERS,
Manufactured t>^
282 BROAD ST„ AUGUSTA, GA.
Rectifiers, Redistillers, Importers and
Wholesale Dealers in
PURE RYE
AND
Corn Whiskies.
FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC LIQUORS,
Brandies,
Wines,
Gin,
Rum,
Porter,
Ale,
Etc.
Also a Superior Article of
LADIES’BITTERS.
GaT 'i pbacco and Segars of every variety.
January 2V? 1873*—3m.
SfSW
ThU Guide is published Quarterly.—
25 cents pays for the year, which is not half
the cost. Those who afterwards send mon
ey to the amount of one dollar may also or
der 25 cents worth extra —the price for the
Guide. The first number is beautiful, giv
ing plans for making Rural Homes, Dining
Table Decorations, Window Gardens, Ac.,
and a mass of information invaluable to the
lover of flowers. 150 pages on fine tintedpa
per some 500 engravings, and a superb col
ored plate, andChromo Cover.
first edition of 200,000 printed in Eng
lish and Germm.
JAMES VICK, Rochester, N. Y.
March 12
Columbia Institute,
Thomson, Ga.
Tjje Fall Term begins on Monday, the
18th of August, and closes on Friday, the
28th of November. For particulars ap
ply to J. W. SHANK,
July 30. 3m Teacher in Charge,
111 lIL BANTED free from all poisonous
■I AII ingredients and warranted to cure
W HII Ague in all it« forms—our Ague
Medicine, Kress Fover Tonic, A box of Tills
free with every bottle It oures by canceling
Ague Poison in the blood, and carrying it
out of the system try It!
W. C. HAMILTON AGo.,
Cincinnati, Ohio,
SIO^EWARD
WILL be paid for the apprehension and
confinement in jail of one Jake Story,
a notorious thief for whom a warrant is now
in the hands of an officer, for simple lar
oenv and assault and battery.
SAM RAMSAY, (Colored.)
August 20, 1873. 4t
THOMSON, McDUFFIE COUNTY, GA., AUGUST 27, 1873.
POETICAL.
Teaching Public School.
Eighty little urchins
Crowding through the door,
Pushing, crowding, making
A tremendous uproar;
Why don’t you keep quiet ?
Can’t you mind the rule ?
Bless me, this is pleasant!
Keeping public school.
Eighty little pilgrims
On the road to fame!
If they fail to reach it,
Who will be to blan’a j
High and lo’yiy stations,
—ids of every feather,
Os a common level,
Here are brought together.
Dirty little faces,
Loving little hearts,
Eyes brimful of mischief,
Skilled in all the arts,
That's a precious darling!
What are you about ?
‘ ‘May I pass the water ?”
“Please, may I go out?”
Boots and shoes are shuffling,
Slates and books are rattling,
And in the comer yonder
Two pugilists are battling!
Others cutting didoes,
What a botheration!
No wonder we grow crusty,
From such association.
Anxious parent drops in,
Merely to inquire
Why his olive branches
Do not shoot up higher ?
Says he wants his children
To mind their p’s and q's,
And hopes their brilliant talents
Will not be abused.
Institute attending,
Making out reports,
Giving object lessons,
Class drills of all sorts;
Reading desertations,
Feeling like a fool—
Oh, the untold blessing
Os keeping public school.
Itailroad Mishaps.
Her back was all I saw of her;
To see her face I tried in vain,
Until her fellow passenger
Got up and left the train.
I changed my seat and looked again ;
So sweet a face I never saw!
An eye with depths of soul within,
A face without a flaw.
But ns I gazed I saw a tear
Roll down her opal-tinted cheek;
And casting off all thoughts of fear,
I courage found to speak—
“ Why are you weeping, dearest maid,
Say, why should so much beauty
cry ?”
“I do not weep,” she tartly said,
“I’ve got a cinder in my eye.”
SELECT MISCELLANY.
MY ALLIGATOR.
I suppose I am the most eccentrio man
in the whole town of Nabsegum. My
neighbors say so, at least, and I accept
it as a fact. It is rather odd for a man
to fill his house with stuffed monkeys,
lions, tigers, bears, snakes, and all kinds
of beasts, birds and reptiles, now isn’t
it?
Well, that is just what I’ve done, and
I keep doiug it. I have quite a museum,
I assure you; and lam adding to it ev
ery day.
Perhaps it is needless to inform you
that I am a bachelor, as you have guess
ed that already. No married man would
be allowed to keep an African lion, a
royal Bengal tiger, a boa-constrictor, a
Jozen monkeys and an immense alliga
tor in his drawing-room. No, if a man
wants sucl: company he must remain
single, although I assure you. ma’am,
that it is not a love for such society that
has kept me a bachelor. On the con
trary, it was from fear of being bamboo
zled into matrimony by a certain terri
ble female of my acquaintance, who got
into a very bad habit of calling upon me
eight times per week, that I purchased
the first of my collection, a splendid
great rhinoceros, and set him up in the
front hall.
The rhinocerous did excellently weR
for a few days; but Mrs. Maneater, find
ing the front door guarded, pounced
upon me through the back door. Then
I bought me a handsome stuffed lion and
set him UP in the kitchen, and for a week
that terrible female was kept at bay, but
at last she gathered courage to face the
rhinoceros, and onoe more I found my
self in her power.
I went on adding to my collection. I
bought the most ferocious looking ani
mals I could find, and filled every room
in the house with them, but without
avail; Mrs, Maneater was determined
not to be frightened again, and I found
myself completely in her power, from
the fact, my dear sir, that it has always
been and probably always will be im
possible for me to say no to a woman,
Mrs, Maneater is my next door neigh
bor. She owns the house in which she
lives, and it is a very handsome house,
too, and Mrs. Maneater is a very hand
! gome woman,
“Beauty’s brightest colors
Have decked her out in all the hues of
heaven
and she’s young, too—not over thirty,
and as I am forty, and rather good look
ing and quite wealthy, it isn’t at all sin.
gular that Mrs. Maneater should have
selected me for her next victim.
I have been acquainted with Mrs.
Maneater now about fourteen months.—
The first time I saw her I was delighted
with her, for she is a delightful woman,
and although I am a bachelor of forty, I
haven't remained single on account of I
any particular dislike for the sex. O, j
no i I admire the sex, aDd I came very
near falling in love with Mrs. Maneater
at first sight.
Mrs. Maneater is a tall woman. Lon
gitudinally she suits me exactly. The
top of her head reaches just to my eye
brows.
Then there is a fullness about her
form that I rather like. Her hair, too,
is just the color that pleases me—black
as a raven’s wing and exceedingly luxu
rian, while as to her eyes—well, if I had
’em made for me, they couldn’t have
suited me better.
In fact, there’s only one bad thing
about Mrs. Maneater. As you never
would guess what that one bad thing is,
I’m going to tell you. It is on account
of this one thing that I call her a terri
ble female. She is very beautiful, as I
have observed before, and I’m sure she
would make an excellent wife, but, alns !
she has one infernal bad habit, and I
shudder every time I think of it. No
matter how good a husband she gets,
she’s sure to bury him within six months
after marriage !
She has done that thing now four
times in rapid succession. Yes ma’am,
this beautiful but terrible female has had
four husbnnds, and she put every one of
them in their little beds within six
months of their wedding days. In the
Nabsegum cometery, ranged in a line,
are four beautiful tombstone, and be
neath them lie the bones of Mre. Man
eater’s four husbands.
Now, I like to seo a woman enterpris
ing, and if she lias a taste for marrying
a great deal, or rather, if she thinks it is
her mission to marry as many men as
she can in a certain number of years,
why, I’m sure I don’t want to stand in
the way of her mission ; but I do object,
most decidedly, sir, to being a woman’s
fifth husband.
That’s the kind of a man I am, and I
don’t hesitate to say bo right out; but I
couldn’t tell Mrs. Maneater so. I knew,
the first time I saw her, when I looked
down into her glorious eyes, that if she
should say to me, in that winning way of
hers :
“O Wellington, will you, will you, will
you, will you come to the bower ?” that
I couldn’t say no, notwithstanding the
horror I have of being her fifth.
I said to myself, “Wellington Wog
gles, if that woman finds out your weak
point, you’re a doomed man. Salt won’t
save you. She has marked you for her
own —with the figure five. Protect
yourself if you can. Buy a dog; buy
two dogs ; buy anything, no matter what
if you have the least hope that it will
protect you from that terrible female.”
“Well, as the reader knows, I bought
a rhinoceros, a lion, a tiger, bears,
wolves, catamounts, snakes, etc., but
alas ! they couldn’t frighten Mrs. Man
eater. She had too many dead husbands
to be soared by a dead lion, even if it
was stuffed, and got up so as to look
most ferociously.
I was in despair ; and as if to make
my misery more complete, Mrs. Maneat
er made me a present of a dozen very
fine handkerchiefs, and in one comer of
each, instead of my initials, she had
worked the figure five !
“Great heavens 1” cried I, as my
number stared me in the face, “this is
too terrible ! This is perfectly awful 1
O, must Ibe her fifth ? Is there no es
cape from this dread female ?” I cried,
wildly clasping the form of my most
ferocious looking stuffed lion, while his
tail slowly wagging to and fro in the
evening breeze, seemed to answer,
“None, none, none !”
While I was hugging my lion, and
bewailing my sad fate, the door-bell
rang.
“’Tis she !” I groaned, wildly tearing
the lion’s hair, and wiping my eye with
his tawny mane.
But I was agreeably disappointed.—
The servant entered bearing a card,
“John Jones, New York.”
“Show him up,” ssid I.
A moment later Mr. J. Jones appear
ed. He was a young man and rather
handsome. Perhaps you have noticed
that the Joneses are handsome, especial
ly the girls.
“This is Mr. Woggles, I believe, >
said Jones, glancing around at the lion,
tiger, bear, snakes and monkeys.
“You can stake your money on that,
Jones,” I replied,
“Wellington Woggles ?
“The very same, my dear Jones, I
cried, grasping his hand, “Glad to see
you, old fellow. How is Tom Jones,
and Davy, and the rest of them?”
“They’re all quite well, thank you, r 6 *
plied, Jones,
“And—well, you have called to —,”
“Sell you an alligator,”
“Sell me what ?”
TERMS-TWO DOLLARS IN ADVANCE.
“And alligator, Mr. Woggles.”
"Jones,” said I, “are you joking ?
Have you oome here to trifle with my feel
ings? Because, Mr. Jones, you have
touched my weak spot. An alligator is
just what my soul is yearning for. lam
so peculiarly situated, Jones, that’s noth
ing but an alligator can save me from a
fate worse than—o, heavens, Jones, were
you ever a fifth f ’
“I don’t know as I understand you
Mr. Woggles,” replied Jones. "All
I’ve got to a y j B this; if you want to
buy an. alligator, I’ve got just the reptile
you want.”
“Is he alive, Jonek ?”
"Well, no, but he's just as good as a
live one.”
“How’s that ? Will he chaw up
things? Will he walk around, and
whisk his tail just like a live one?”
“Exactly. That’s just what he will
do. You see, he’s fitted np inside with
machinery, and all you’ve got to do is to
wind him up with this ’ere key, and he’ll
be as lively as a criket.”
“Jones, name your price. That alli
gator is mine. Where is he ?”
“There he is,” answered Jones, draw
ing me to the window, and pointing to a
horse and wagon that stood in front of
the house. “Do you see that long box in
the wagon ?”
“Yes.”
“Well, the alligator is in that box.”
“You see, Mr. Woggles, I heard that
you #ere fond of such things, and learn
ing that you had no alligator in your
collection, why, I brought the reptile
right along, feeling sure that you’d
want ’im. ”
“And I do wont him, Jones, that is—
well, you warrant him to chaw ?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then I’ll take him. Bring the crit
ter in. ” Jones named the price, I agreed
to it, and then he went down to the
wagon, and with the help of my man
Sam, got the box out on the sidewalk,
took off the cover, wound up the ma
chinery of the reptile, and, to my sur
prise and delight, the monster walked
out of the box, and, with a sly switch of
his long tail, knocked Sam to the ground,
and then quietly walked up the steps,
into the house, anil confronted me in the
parlor with wide open jaws.
“Good heavens, Jones !” I cried, “the
damn thing is alive!”
“He’s just as good, yes, better than a
live one,” said Jones. "Don’t be afraid,
ho won’t hurt you,” as the huge monster
snapped his jaws right under my nose.
“He’s just a little playful.”
“I never heard of playful machinery
before,” said I.
“And you never saw such perfect ma
cliinery before,” returned Jones.
“No, I suppose not; but, dang it,
can’t yon let his machinery run down ?”
I asked ; for you seo he kept snapping at
my nose.
“He is wound np for twenty-four
hours,” replied Jones; “but you can
stop his jaw by just touching this spring
here and he pressed one of the scales.
“This spring,” touching another scale,
“makes his tail wag.”
“I should think so 1” cried I, as the
alligator’s tail swept round, and knocked
my stuffed linn half way across the
room.
“This spring stops the wagging. This
spring makes him walk.”
“Jones,” said I, “willhe swallow?”
"Swallow ?” Jones looked up at me
inquiringly. “What do you want him
to swallow?”
“O, nothing in particular,” said I;
“only if he can swallow I should like to
know it.”
“Why the machinery is in the way,
you see,” returned Jones. “He might
get some small things down his throat
though.”
“Yon—yon don’t think he could dis
pose of—of a woman—a widow, for in
stance, do yon, Jones!”
I thought the alligator snickered. As
for Jones, he stared at me aghast.
“Why, Mr. Woggles, you wouldn’t—”
“0 no, I wouldn’t let him, Mr. Jones.
I was just asking ont for curiosity. You
gee, my next door neighbor is a widow
lady, and she calls to see me quite often,
and it would be infernal bad—that is,
for her—if the alligator should take a
notion to swallow her.”
“Yes, but he ain’t one of them kind of
alligators, you know."
“Well, I’m glad to hear that he is per
fectly gentle and kind; and now, Mr.
Jones, if you will just step into the next
room, I’ll pay you for the reptile.”
After having settled with Jones, I bade
him good-night and returned to my alli
gator, and began exercising him a little
in snapping his jaws, wagging liis tail
and walking.
I found that I could work him firstrate
in everything except in the management
of his tail. I couldn’t get that under
control. I touched the spring, and the
next moment found myself sprawling
under the piano, while tail kept sweep
ing around, knocking over chair*, tables,
and my stuffed animals—O, how the
monkeys flew ! and smashing my china
rases, and the ornaments on the mantel,
and working destruction generally within
reach of its terrible sweep,
“By George ! I wish Mrs,
would pop in now. It’s my opinion
she’d look further for number five.”
“0 yon do !”
"Wliere the deuce did that voice come
from ?” I asked, peering around the
room.
The alligator snapped his jaws.
“Hold on, Mr. Alligator, I didn’t touch
that spring !” I cried.
The alligator winked one eye and then
started for me.
“Egad ! he is alive!” I yelled, rolling
myself in a heap under the piano.
“Come out o’ that,” growled the alli
gator, poking his huge jaws under the
piano, and snapping at my leg.
“O horrors ! alive and talking ?”
“Yes, I do feel rather lively,” replied
the alligator, wiggling his tail facetious
ly-
“ Now I believe that there are uni
corns,” I groaned. “A talking alligator!
and in the same room with me, with no
hope of escape. O, this is worse than
being number five!”
“Do you think so now?” with a hoarse
laugh.
“O, spare me, Mr. Alligator.”
“Not if I know myself, Mr. Woggles,
I haven’t had anything to eat for three
days, and I am decidedly hungry.”
“Bnt, dangnation, my dear Mr. Alliga
tor, if all you want is something to eat,
just Btep down to the dining-room, with
me, and I’ll order the cook to prepare a
supper fit for an alderman.”
“O, don’t trouble yourself, Mr. Wog
gles. I prefer my vittles raw,” returned
the alligator, with an affectionate glance
at my fat legs.
“O, Got in Himmel! would you eat
me?”
“O, won’t I?” laughed the alligator.
This was terrible. I don’t think the
reader appreciates how terrible. Only
think of me, curled up under the piano,
with an immense alligator snapping his
huge jaws in my face, and declaring in
the English language (which made it far
more terrible) that he was going to make
a supper of me. O, it was awful. I
trembled so as to fairly shake the house,
while the cold perspiration stood out in
drops like frog’s eyes all over me.
“Do you know,” said I, looking sternly
at the alligator, “that this is unlawful?
Do you know that it i6 a criminal offence
to eat a mah ? Don’t you know you wil
be hanged for it ?”
The alligator laughed. “I must be
convicted first, anil to do that, I must be
tried by a jury of my peers—that is
twelve alligators, do you think they
would bring me in guilty? Not much.
They might bring in a verdict of insani
ty, but I would not care a whisk of my
tail about that.”
“Did you ever study law ?” I asked.
“No, but I’ve eaten a judge and four
lawyers.”
“And I’m to be your next viotim ?”
“Well, it looks like it now,” returned
the saurian, “but still I’ll let you off on
conditions.”
“Name them!” I yelled; “name
them !”
The alligator was humming “Hear me
Norma," and beating time with his tail.
“O, don’t yell so, Woggles I You’ve put
me all out of tune. What a very excita
ble fellow you are !”
"The conditions ! the conditions.”
.“Still harping on my daughter. By
the way, Wogg, did you ever see Ned
Booth in Hamlet ?”
“Confound Hamlet! Name your con
ditions !” I cried.
“Well, in the first place,” said the alli
gator, snapping at a fly, “I must ask
you a question. Do you believe in the
transmigration of souls ?”
“No, by thunder ! I don’t swallow
that doctrine.”
“Well, you must swallow it. If you
don’t I'll swallow you,” and he opened
his jaws to the widest extent.
“O spare me. I believe ! I’m con
vinced !” I cried in terror.
“Very good, Mr. Woggles. Then
you believe that when I was on earth be
fore, and wore whiskers (I don’t mean
this kind of whiskers).” lashing his tail,
“I bore the name of Jim Longden ?”
“ Did you, though ?”
“Pon honor, Woggles.”
“Egad 1” said I, “Jim, this is getting
interesting.”
“And it’s going to be more so, Wog
gles. Now, perhaps you know a certain
Mrs. Maneater?”
“Know her? Alas ! I know her too
well. She is a terrible female.
“Well, that isn’t so singular, consider
ing I’m her grandfather.”
“Her what ?”
“Her grandfather, my dear Woggles,”
repeated the alligator, with a smile.
“Ha !”
“And now for the conditions.”
“O spare me, Mr. Alligator—my dear
Jim—”
“Why, that's what I’m going to do,”
interrupted the saurian. “I'm going to
spare you, provided you solemnly swear
to marry my gran daughter, Mrs. Man
eater, within twenty-four hours.
Now, I don't know what my readers
may think, but for my part, as the alligator
declared his relationship to Mrs. Man
eater I began to be suspicious. “Now I
think of it,” I muttered, “that voice
sounds very familiar. I’m very sure I’ve
heard that voice before. It’s a woman’s
yoiae, It's-—”
<<Swear," growled the alligator.
• ‘He’s quiet now,” thought I “One
spring and I am safe.”
“Swear to marry her, Woggles.”
Advertising Rat es.
One square, first insertion ....$ 1 00
Each subsequent insertion..... 76
One square three months 10 M
Onesqare six months.. 16 00
One square twelve months 20 00
One quarter column twelve months. 40 00
Half column sis months 60 00
Half column twelve months 76 00
One column twelve months 125 00
■®- Ten lines or less considered a squar®
All fractions of squares counted as squares
“Not if I know myself, Jim,” I cried,
starting up and jumping dear over the
alligator, tail and all. Then rushing
through the doorway, I dosed the door
behind me, and locking it, surveyed my
alligator through the key-hole.
“Foiled I” muttered tire saurian, lash
ing his toil in a rage.
After awhile he quieted down a little.
Then I noticed that he was suffering
with some internal difficulty. His
groans almost melted my heart. At last
with a wail more terrible than all the
rest, he lashed his tail three times, and
rolling over on his back, cried, in a voice
that I knew but too well, 'Tve broken
the key, and’ can’t get out I Fm lost,
lost I I never shall get my fifth !”
I went to bed then, and went to sleep
with a smiling countenance, and awoke
next morning wearing a broad grin.
After dressing myself, I went down and
took a peep at my alligator through the
keyhole. Finding hiqa quiet, I did not
venture to molest him then, but went
down to breakfast.
Upon taking up the morning paper, I
found there had been a railroad accident
the night before, and among the list of
killed I fonnd the name of John Jones of
New York.
I was quietly sipping my coffee, when
my housekeeper rushed in, crying, “O
Mr. Woggles, have yon heard the ter
rible news?”
“About the railroad disaster?”
•‘No, Mrs.Maneater—she’s miming |
They’re going to drag the river for her.
“What, do they think she’s committed
suicide ?”
“Yes, or that she’s been murdered.”
“Horrible!”
The housekeeper went off moaning.
Then I took a cup of coffee and a
couple of muffins and went up to the
drawing room.
“Jim,” said I, speaking through the
keyhole, “would you like a muffin ?”
“O yes,” in a very faint voice.
“Willyon be quiet if I come in?”
“Yes.”
I opened the door, and going up to
the alligator, who made no hostile de
monstrations, passed the muffins and cup
of coffee down his throat.
“Thank you, Mr. Woggles,” in a very
soft voice.
“Do you know, Jim,” said I “that
your grandanghter, Mrs, Maneater, is
missing?"
Jim didn’t answer.
“Furthermore. Mr. John Jones, the
only man whom I suspect knew anything
about her disappearance, was killed last
night.”
The alligator groaned and threw up the
coffee cup.
“Now, Jim," I continued, “if you l
know anything about Mrs. Maneater’s
whereabouts, and will tell me; and fur--
thermore, if you’ll ask my pardon for'
frightening me so last night, and will l
give up all designs you may have had
for making me your grandaughter’s fifth,.
I’ll send you back to your native swamp.”’
“Never!” yelled the alligator.
“Very well, then you remain with me.’’'
And he never has left from that day to -
this. He does’nt talk a great deal, and'
is generally very quiet. His appetite is
poor for an alligator, and he persists in
having his meat cooked. He is quite
fond of beef-steak, roast turkey, with l
oyster sauce, and likes sugar and cream
in liis tea. I’m quite fond of hi™. I as
sure you, for he is really very intelligent
for an alligator. He is very mild and
gentle, and is exceedingly fond of com
pany, although he never-talks-to. any one
but me.
But it’s very singular, I’ think, that
Mrs. Maneater has never been heard of
since the night I bought my alligator, •
Hooping a- Flour Barrel.
Putting a hoop on the family flour'
barrel is an. operation that will hardly
bear an encore. The woman generally
attempts it before the man comes home
to dinner. She sets the hoop upon the'
end of the staves, takes a deliberate aim
with the rolling-pin, and then shutting
both eyes brings the pin down with aU
the force of one arm, while the other
instinctively shields her face. Then she
makes a dive for the camphor and un
bleached muslin, and when the mas
comes home she is sitting back of the
stove, thinking of St. Stephen and other
great martyrs while a burnt dinner and
the camphor are struggling heroically
for the mastery. He says if she had
kept her temper she wouldn’t Have got
hurt. And he visits the barrel himself,,
and puts the hoop on very carefully, and
adjusts it so nicely to the top of every
stave that only a few small knocks ap
parently are needed to bring it down fell 1
right, then he laughs to himself to*
think what a fuss his wife kicked up*
over a simple matter that only needed
a little patience to adjust itselfy and them
he gets the hammer, and fetches the
hoop a sharp rap on the side, and the
other flies up and catches him on the
bridge of the nose, filling his soul with
wrath and his eyes with tears, and the
next instant that barrel is flying across
the room, accompanied by the hammer,
and another candidate for camphor and
rag is enrolled in the great army that
is unceasingly marching toward the
grave. —Danbury Newt.
“That’s a bad cold you’ve got,” saida man
to a troublesome neighbor at a lecture. ”
.“Sorry, sir. but it isthebestlkave,"