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’ x\ cruspapcr Analects.
ANECDOTE OF LORENZO DOW.
Some years ago Dow preached at Charles
ton, S. C., and in the course of one of his ser
mons attacked with some severity, the char
acter of a citizen, who had lately died, and
whose death he alleged, was in consequence
of his vices. For this, at the instance of the
relatives of the deceased, he was prosecuted
and found guilty. The court sentenced him to
pay a small fine, and endure a short impris
onment. The Governor of-the State, howev
er, pardoned him and paid the fine himself.
The next Sunday, Lorenzo preached to a
crowded audience, commencing as follows:
‘‘There was, we learn from the New Test
ament, a certain rich man, who lived I think,
at Jerusalem, and whose name was Dives.—
He was clad in robes of purple and linen, and
fared sumptuously every day. That is, he
lived high, or what may be called dissipated.
Now there was also, I think in Jerusalem, a
certain beggar named Lazarus, who asked to
tie fed only on the crumbs that fell from the
rich man’s table. He lay down at the gate of
his palace, but the rich man would not hear
him. So this poor beggar died, and then his
sorrows ended, for he -was carried by angels
to Abraham's bosom. Yes, Lazarus went up
aloft, his spirit soared to heaven, where all
good men will go when they die. But my
brethren, you will ask what became of Dives,
the rich man. Why my friends’ he died also,
and I don’t know but he died —drunk, I will
not however, say so positively, for I don't
know but he has some relations among those
who now hear me and, I may be prosecuted for
defamation of character.”
CRATER OF THE VOLCANO OF
’ HAWAII.
It is an immense pit, one thousand feet
deep, and six miles in circuit, with perpendi
cular walls, except at one point, where it is
reached by a deep descent, and the whole of
this vast cauldron full of boiling, bubbling,
and spouting lava. The surface at one mo
ment as black as ink, and the next exhibiting
rivers, and pools, and jets of a hideous blood
red fluid, that was sometimes thrown up to a
height of fifty or sixty feet, and fell back with
a sullen plashing that was indescribably aw
ful. The aspect of the whole was hellish—
no other term can express it. By night it was
grand beyond description. The frequent
lightings up, the hissings, and deep mutter
ing explosions reminded me of some great
city in flames, where there were magazines
of gunpowder or mines continually exploding.
Vesuvius is tame in comparison with it. Just
previous to my visit the lava had burst out at
anew place, about six miles north-east of the
crater, and flowed down to the sea, in a stream
of forty miles in length by from one to seven
in breadth. I saw the light one hundred
miles off. It reached the sea in five days;
threw up three hills from one hundred and
twenty to two hundred and fifty feet high;
gained two thousand feet out seaward from
the old line of coast by three-fourths of a
mile in width, and heated the water for fifteen
miles on either side to such an extent that
‘he fishes were heaped up in myriads on the
shore, scalded to death. Its falling into the
sea was accompanied with tremendous his
sings, detonations like constant discharges of
heavy artillery, distinctly heard at Hillo twen
ty minutes distant.
t mm
PHILOSOPHIC COURTSHIP.
Sir Isaac Newton was urged by one of his
friends to marry; he excused himself by say
ing that he had no time to court a wife. His
friends said they would assist by sending 1o
his apartment a woman of worth. He thank
ed them for their offer, and promised to re
ceive a visit from her. His friends applied
to the woman, and requested her to dispense
with the usual ceremonies of courtship, and
wait on the philosopher; which she consent
ed to do. When she came to his apartment,
and produced her letter of recommendation,
he received her politely, filled and fired his
pipe, sat down by her side, took hold of her
hand, and conversed on the subject. Before
they had brought the point to a close,, some
question about the magnitude of the heaven
ly bodies struck his mind with such force
that he forgot what he was about—be turned
his eyes up to heaven, took the pipe out of
his mouth with his left hand, and being lost
in study, without design took the lady’s hand,
which lie held in his own, and with one of
her fingers crowded the tobacco in the bowl of
his pipe, and held it so long that her heart and
her finger took fire, and she in a huff sprung
up and went off, leaving ihe philosopher to
finish his studies alone.
§©©IfSIIE Hi El &11IFISIB &IE ¥ ©ABIST TtS *
A GENTLEMAN.
Did you ever see a gentleman ?• We have
seen two or three in our day, but real gentle
men are exceedingly rare. A gentleman is
one who treats everybody with respect, wheth
er he be black or white, low or high, poor or
rich. He does not bow .scrape his
knees to honor, or hold his tongue when he
sees wickedness in high places. You always
receive from him a civil answer to your in
quiry, and he kindly imparts to you any in
formation in his power. He will not say a
word to injure your feelings, or allude to a
subject to pain your heart. Whatever may
be done, he will not manifest angry feelings,
or use unbecoming language. He uses no
profane or indecent words; smokes no cigars
in your presence, nor spits tobacco juice on
your floors. He is the same kind and accom
modating individual from one week’s end to
another.
SHAKSPEARE DEMOLISHED.
The following tirade is from an old news
paper where it is credited to “ Secretary Tomp
kins on the novel of Woodstock,” The great
dramatic poet has seldom found so violent an
antagonist as this, who lays the grossest sins
to his charge with an unsparing hand, The
admirers of Shakspeare will marvel at the fel
low's insolence.
“Here is the king and high priest ol those
vices and follies! Here is he whom men pro
fanely call nature’s miracle! Here is he whom
princes choose for their cabinet keeper, and
whom maids of honor take for their bed-fel
low ! Here is the prime teacher of fine-word
foppery and folly. On thee, William Shak
speare, I charge whatever of such lawless
idleness and immodesty folly hath defile and the
land since thy day! Verily I say, that since
the devil fell from heaven, he never wanted
angels on earth—yet nowhere hath he met
with a wizard having such infinite power
over men’s souls as this pestilent fellow Shak
speare. Seeks a wife a foul example for adul
tery, here she shall find it. Or, would a man
know how to train his fellow-murderer, here
he shall find tutoring. Would ajady marry
a heathen negro, she shall haye chronicled
example for it. Would any scorn at his ma
ker, he shall be furnished with a jest in this
book. Would he defy his brother in flesh,
he shall be accommodated with a challenge.
Would you be drunk, Shakspeare shall cheer
you with a cup. Would you plunge in sen
sual pleasures, he will soothe you to indul
gence as with the lascivious sounds of the
lute. This I say, this book is the well-head
and source of all those evils which over-run
the land like a torrent, making men scoffers,
deniers, murderers, make-bates, and lovers of
the wine-pot; haunting unclean places, and
sitting long at the evening wine. Away with
him, away with him, men of England; to
Tophet with bis wicked book, and to the vale
of Hinnon with his accursed bones!”
• * >
THE PITCHER PLANT,
This plant abounds in the stoney and ster
ile parts of the island of Java from which, were
it not for this vegetable wonder, small birds
and quadrupeds would be forced to migrate
in quest of water. At the foot stalk of each
is a bag shaped exactly like a pitcher furnish
ed with a lid, and having a kind of hinge that
passes over the handle of the pitcher, and con
nects it with the leaf. This hinge is a strong
fibre which contracts in showery weather and
when the dew falls. Numerous little goblets
filled with sweet fresh water are thus held
forth, and afford a delicious draught to the
tiny animals that climb their branches, and
to a variety of winged visitants. But no
sooner has the cloud passed by, and the warm
sun shone forth, than the heated fibre begins
to expand, and closes the goblet so firmly as
to prevent evaporation, precluding a further
supyly till called for by the wants of another
day. This beautiful and perfect provis
ion of nature would afford a fine theme for a
Thomson or a Wordsworth, and would afford
an illustration of the designs of Providence,
such as Paley would have delighted to press
into his service.
POETRY.
It is amusing to listen to observations on
poetry. I heard a gentleman remark the oth
er day, while praising one of Byron's sacred
melodies, that Job might be converted into
very good poetry! —The unfortunates! they
have no idea, that poetry is but a name for
every bright picturing, and every noble deed,
whether it be the dream of Praxiteles embodi
ed in marble, or the prayer of Raphael struck
into glory, or the burning thought of Pindar
mantled in the cloudiness of a word. Phidias
was as mighty a poet as Homer, with this
difference, the one spoke in words, the other
in marble. When Canova was entreated by
Napoleon to forsake Rome, and take up his
residence in Paris, the sculptor replied, “ Sans
son etelier, sans ses amis, sans bon ciel, sans
sa Rome” —his genius would become torpid.
He signified that Italy was the Madonna of
his inspiration.
AN AFRICAN’S IDEA OF THE CREA
TION OF MAN.
King Yardoo, of Goulah country, during a
recent palaver with one of the Liberia miss
sionaries, gave him the following account of
the manner in which God made man :
“First he came down in the morning, work
ed all day long making white men in Ameri
ca, and gave them plenty of good sense.—
Then he came along in the dark, about mid
night and made we countrymen all black, and
because he wanted to get home before break
fast, he never waited to give us any sense at
all, but told us to make war, raise rice and
cassada, eat dumboy and pepper, and that is
all.”
RELIGION.
Nothing has been more the object of ridi
cule than religion. It has been assailed by
the wit of Voltaire, the ribaldry of Paine, and
the elegant subtle satire of Gibbon ; —yet the
whole force of their combined talents has
been insufficient to invalidate one fact, to re
fute one fundamental truth, to hold up the
sacred form of vital religion to the scorn and
derision of well directed reason. The pagean
try of superstition, and the dreams of fanati
cism, have been demolished and scattered by
their attacks; but the sacred fabric, though
thus despoiled of the votive decorations of its
human votaries, built on the rock of ages,
has bid a proud defiance to the pointless shafts
of ridicule.
A WAGER.
Before the war, says the Nautical Maga
zine, Captain Carden and the Macedonian
were at Norfolk; Decatur was there too. and
a warm intimacy soon joined in friendship
two kindred hearts. While discussing naval
affairs one day, Carden said :
“ Decatur, your ships are good enough, and
you are a clever set of fellows, but what
practice have you in war, One of these days
we will probably have a brush together, and
if I catch your ship at sea, I will knock her
into a cocked hat, Stephen.”
“ Will you I” said Decatur; “ I will bet you
a hat on it.”
The bet was agreed on, and the conversa
tion changed. But a few months elapsed ere
the war that had been threatening commenced,
and the two captains, by some singular coin
cidence met. The results of the action are
known. Captain Carden, on going on board
the United States, was received by a Lieut.,
at the gangway, to whom he tendered his
sword.
“Not to me sir,” said the officer, “but to
the captain.”
“And where is the captain I” said the em
barrassed Englishman.
“He is standing aft, there; that is the gen
tleman, in a tarpaulin hat and round jacket.
Carden went aft —and his feelings on meet
ing, under such circumstances, his old friend,
may be imagined. As he offered his sword
to Decatur, that officer said:
“ No, Carden, I never take the sword of a
brave man—you have fought gallantly.—
“But” said he, laying his hand on the other’s
shoulder, “I will take that hat , my dear fel
low.”
In transferring to the United States the suite
of Captain Carden, a fine band was included.
In the afternoon, when dinner was announced
in the cabin, Capt. Carden said to Decatur;
“ Those musicians are very skilful, and I
have always had them on deck while at din
ner.”
“Very well,” said Decatur, “we will have
them up.”
The band was ordered on deck to play, and
Commodore Decatur was asked what air he
would like to hear.
“ Let them play “ Britannia Rules the!
Waves,” said he. with a slight laugh.
——— >
Spare Minutes. — Spare minutes are the
gold dust of time; and Young was writing
a true as well as a striking line, when he
taught that “ sands make the mountain, mo
ments make the year.” Os all the portions
of our life, the spare minutes are the most fruit
ful in good or evil. They are the gaps
through which temptations find the easiest ac
cess to the gardeq of the soul.
21 Column Cratci) to fnu.
NEW BOOTS.
Os all the troubles here below,
The wery wust I knows on,
Is the insinivatin’ vay
Anew boot alvays goes on.
You goes and tries it on, you does r
It seems a perfect fit,
And lets you valk a square at least
Before it hurts a bit.
You feds it then, —I feels it. now, —
Yo'ur foot seems all on fire;
You vants to lay down in the mud ;
You almost has to svare.
Y r ou vants to kick each man you meets—”
You do kick all the dogs—
The little niggers in your vay,
You treats ’em worse nor hogs.
The world to you is one Avast boot,
Vith nought but pain inside it—
If such a thing as joy there is,
You vonders vere they hide it!
Boots causes half our misery,
And more than half our crimes,
For tight fits sour the very best
Os tempers at such times.
as? wrxwm
CONNUBIAL.
“ My dear, did John black them hoots V’
“How should I know—-I haint got any
thing to do with your boots. It’s washing
day.”
“ But my love, you needn't speak so cross.”
“ Speak so cross. I didn’t speak cross.”
“ 0 yes you did.”
“ I didn’t.”
“ I say you did.-' 1
“ I say I didn't .”
“By gracious! I wont stand this, It’s too
bad to ha treated in this way, I’ll leave you
madam. I’ll have a separation.”
“0, Mr. Slub—was ever a woman so a
bused. Here I've been washing and scrub
bing all day long as hard as ever I could, and
then you come home and act so to me —just
kos I don’t know nothing about your boots—
0, it is too bad, it is—boo-hoo ! boo-hoo!”
“ Hem! Well Nancy I didn’t mean to make you
cry. Never mind—l reckon John has black
ed my boots. Is them are sassengers to be
fried for supper ?•”
“\-e-e-s —my dear, I got ’em for you, par
ticklearly!”
LazinesS. —The laziest man we ever heard
of was described as follows by an old lady in
Coweta county, Georgia.
“ Perhaps you don't know Zeke Gibbens,
what lived down here on west Fork; well he
was the laziest man you ever heard tell of.
When he and his wife got married, they had a
pretty good chance of truck between ’em. But
Zeke was too lazy to make crops, so every
thing went to rack and ruin. Zeke’s wife
was a right smart ’oman; so she told him one
day he’d got to go to work. “Can’t you
plow 1 ?” says she. “ Don't know how,” says
Zeke. “ Well, I'll show you ;”so she geared
the boss, put him in the ‘plough herself, and
took Zeke and led him to it, and put his bands
on the plough-handle ; and do you think the
lazy enter didn't stand there without stirring
an inch,, till the calves eat all his coat tail off
The Reprobate Judge.—“ Are you the
reprobate judge?”
“ Yes.”
“Ah, you're the chap I wanted— my father
died detested and left five infant scorpions—
I'm the chief. I’ve come to take out some
alphabet letters of confiscation to diminish the
state as soon as possible.”
i mm
An Aside.— Mr. Whitely, manager of a
conntry theatre, having constantly an eye to
his interest, one evening, during the perform
ance of Richard 111. gave a tolerable proof ol
that being his leading principle. Represent
ing the crook-backed tyrant, he exclaimed.
“Hence, babbling dreams! you threaten here
in vain: Conscience avaunt.” (“That man
in the brown wig there has got into the pit
without paying.”) “Richard’s himself again”
< i
James the First. —Among the addresse>
presented to this monarch on his accession to
the throne, was one from the town of Shrews
bury, in which the loyal inhabitants express
ed a wish that his Majesty might reign as
long as the sun, moon, anil stars endured.—
“Faith, mon,” said the King, “if Ido reign
so long, my son must govern by candlelight.”
Too Hot Entirely. —They have very hot
weather in New Orleans; so intense has been
the heat, the Crescent City says, that the peo
ple there have been compelled to dravY their
breath with corkscrews.