Newspaper Page Text
190
51 .Column Crcctcir to Sm.
TIMING IT BETTER.
A minister in the Highlands of Scotland
found one of his parishioners intoxicated.—
The next day he called to reprove him for it.
“ It is very wrong to get drunk,” said the
parson.
“I ken that,” said the guilty person, “but
then I dinna drink as meikle as you do!”
“ What, sir! How is that ?”
“ Why, gin it please ye, dinna ye aye
take a glass o’ whiskey and water after din
ner ?”
“ Why, yes, Jemmy, surely I take a little
whiskey after dinner merely to aid diges
tion.”
“And dinna ye take a glass o’ whiskey
toddy every night when ye gang to bed ?”
“Yes, to be sure, I just take a little toddy
at night to help me sleep.”
“ Well,” continued the parishioner, “ that’s
just fourteen glasses a week, and about six
ty every month. I only get paid once a
month, and then if I’d take sixty glasses, it
wad make me ded drunk for a week ; —now
you see the only difference is, ye time it bet
ter than I do!”
1 i
WESTWARD HO!
The new serial car, Chain Lightning, will
leave the Battery, for Oregon, on Saturday
morning at nine o’clock. All her machine
ry will be on board at the hour advertised,
and the electricity will be fresh from the man
ufactory of Highflyer & Cos. The number
of passengers will be limited to 300. A
mail bag will be thrown out while passing
over St. Louis, as our new instrument, in
vented by Professor Pulhngass, will enable
us to calculate the exact longitude while at
the height of 10,000,000,000 feet. A para
chute, capable of holding 50 persons, will be
let down at the city of Fremont, near the
south pass of the Rocky mountains. Pas
sengers will dine on board the car, and ar
rive at Astoria at five in the afternoon. As
the Chain Lightning runs in opposition to
the daily monopoly of Skinflint & Cos., the
fare will be put at 37 1-2 cents —dinner ex
tra. The Chain Lightning will return on
Monday, when our new patent cylindric elec
trical loadstone will enable us to draw up
the St. I mail while passing over that
city. Passengers who think of going, will
please be on board at least six seconds be
fore the time of starting, as not a moment’s
delay will be allowed. For passage ap
ply to the Captain, or to Flint, Steel & Cos.,
24857 Broadway.
New York, Sept. 33d, 1870. — Boston Post.
“ Nothing can be well done,” says
Dr. Kitchener, “ that is done in a hurry.”
“Except catching fleas,” adds the London
Punch.
Punning is the very lowest kind of
wit,” said a person one day to Erskine. “It
is so,” answered Henry, “and therefore the
foundation of all wit.”
Above all things avoid lawsuits; they
prey upon the mind, they impair the health,
and they dissipate your property. — La Btu
yere.
Kemble, once calling at the house
of Mr. Crompton, the Irish Attorney Gener
al in Dublin, the following dialogue took
place between him and Mr. C.’s servant, Pat
rick : “ Well, Patrick, where's your master?”
“He is out, sir.” “ Where’s your mistress ?”
“She is out, too, sir.” “Well, then I will
just sit down by the fire until one of them
comes in.” “By the powers, but you can’t.”
says Patrick. “ tor that's out too!”
A Judge in one of the new counties
in Western Virginia, inquired of the sheriff
whether he had made up a jury. The sher
iff replied, that he had empanelled eleven,
and expected to have the other soon, as they
were running him with dogs.
It is said that when a Russian hus
band neglects to beat his wife for a month
or two, sne begins to be alarmed at his indif
ference. A good thrashing is a striking
proof of affection.
O'Connell had obtained an acquittal
for one of his clients ; the fellow’sjoy knew
no bounds. “Och, counsellor,” said he,
“ I've no way here to show you my grati
tude, but I vvisht I saw you knocked down
in my own parish, and maybe I couldn’t bring
a taction to the rescue.”
S®©TFIS B[B fiS & anr g AIB ¥ SASS ¥¥ SL
flO IS IE ©IBIB IB 1 IB IB H©IB©IB ®® M o
A PLEASANT STORY FOR YOUTH.
There was once a miller who had a beau
tiful daughter, and when she was grown up.
he thought within himself that whenever a
good-looking wooer should come and ask
her in marriage, he would give her to him,
that he might provide for her. So it hap
pened that one came who was very rich,
and as the lather knew nothing to object to
him. he promised her to him. The girl, how
ever, did not like this man so well as a
bride should love her husband, and felt a
kind of feur come over her whenever she
saw him, or thought about him. Once he
said to her, “Why do you not pay me a
visit, now that you are my bride?”—“l
don't know where you live,” replied the
girl. “There,” he replied, “in the dark
green wood.” She then tried to find some
excuse for not going, saying she should not
be able to find the way. But the bride
groom said, “You must come on Sunday
next, for I have invited some friends to spend
the day with me: and that you may find
your way, I will strew some ashes all along
through the woods.” When Sunday came,
and the girl was getting ready to go, she felt
quite wretched, and filled her pockets with
peas. When she came to the wood, she
found the path strewn with ashes, and went
on her way, but kept scattering a few peas
every now and then, to the right and left.
So she traveled on nearly the whole day,
till she came to a house standing in the
thick part of the wood. She saw no one
about the house, and all was very quiet, till
she heard a voice call out: —
“ Young lady you’re come to a robber’s den!
Return to your father’s house again.”
Looking round, she saw a bird in a cage
over the door; and again it repeated the
words:—
“ Young lady you’re come to a robber's den !
Return to your father’s house again.”
She now went from one room to another,
over the whole house, but it was quite emp
ty, and not a creature to be seen. At last
she came to the cellar, where sat an old wo
man. She asked her about her intended
husband, and if he dwelt there; and the old
woman told her that the house was a rob
ber’s den, and that they would be sure to
kill her.
“Look,” said the old woman, “here is
a large kettle of boiling water: when the
robbers return, they will put you in here, if
Ido not contrive to save you.” She then
co cealed the young woman behind a large
cask, and told her not to stir, or move, in
the least, otherwise she would be discover
ed ; and that when the robbers were asleep,
she could then make her escape; and the old
woman said she would run away too. She
had hardly ended when the robbers return
ed, bringing with them another young wo
man; and they were tipsy, and paid no at
tention to her cries and lamentations. They
gave her three glasses of wine to drink, a
glass of red, a glass of white, and a glass
of yellow; and when she had drank them,
she fell dead. This was a terrible sight to
the young woman behind the cask, as she
thought her turn would come next. One
of the robbers seeing a gold ring on one of
the fingers of the dead maiden, took an axe
Old Birch, who taught a village school
Wedded a maid of homespun habit ;
He was stubborn a-< a mule,
And sho was playful as a rabbit.
Poor Kate had scarce bocome a wife.
Before her husband sought to make her
The pink of country-polished life.
Anil prim and formal as a qunker.
and hacked it off; and the finger made such
a spring, that it fell behind the cask, just in
the lap of the young woman concealed there.
The robber then took a light and searched
for it, but could not see it. Another robber
then said, “Have you looked behind the
great cask?” The old woman called out,
“Come to your supper, come, and leave
looking for the finger till morning; I dare
say it won’t run away. The robber then
gave over, and sat down to eat and drink
with his companions. The old woman had
put a sleepy potion in the wine, so that the
robbers were soon stretched out in the cel
lar, dead asleep. When the young woman
saw this, she got from behind the cask, and
stepped over their sleeping bodies, lying in
rows, and was in great fear least they should
awaken. But God was with her, and gave
her strength, so that she escaped safely,
with the old woman, and they went on their
way. Now the peas and beans served as
marks, in the moonlight, to show the right
path. So they traveled on the whole night,
and reached the miller’s on the following
morning, when the girl told her father all
that had happened. As now the day arriv
ed when the marriage was to be celebrated,
the bridegroom made his appearance, and
the miller invited all his friends and rela
tions to the wedding. After dinner, each
one was called on, in his turn, to tell a sto
ry for the amusement of the company. Then
out spake the bridegroom to the bride,
“Now, my love, will you favor us with a
story?” “Well,” said she, “I will tell
you a dream I lately had. 1 thought 1 was
going through a wood, and came at last to
a house with nobody in it; not a living
creature to be seen, except a bird hung up
in a cage; and the bird called out to me
twice—
“ Young lady you’re eomo to a robber’s den !
Return to your father’s house again.”
Could this be only a dream, my dear?) I
then went over the rooms that were all emp
ty ; and when I came to the cellar, there” 1
found an ancient woman sitting, and of her
I inquired if my intended husband lived in
that house. She replied and said :—“Alas!
poor young woman, you have come to a
robber's house ! Your intended husband
will kill you, and make pancakes of you ;”
(but, my dear, surely it was only a dream.)
So then, to keep me out of harm's way, the
old dame concealed me behind a cask ; and
I had scarcely got behind it, when the rob
ber’s came home bringing with them a
young woman, whom they killed, by mak
ing her drink three sorts of wine, no doubt
poisoned. One ol the robbers seeing a gold
ring on her finger, took an axe to cut it off,
as he could not draw the ring off. But the
finger, owing to the violence of the blow,
sprang away, a nd 1 ell behind the great cask,
right into my lap, and here it is. with the.
ring upon it! Can all this be a dream?”
So saying, she produced the finger, and
showed it to the guests.
The robber seeing and hearing all this,
turned as pale as a sheet, and attempted to
run away, but the miller and his friends laid
hold of him, and delivered him up to justice,
when he and his whole band, being found
guilty, received the just reward of their
crimes.
THE RETORT.
BY GEORG K I- . MORRIS.
One day the tutor wont abroad.
And ample Kitty sadly miss'd him;
W hen ho returned, behind her lord
Hie slyly stole and fondly kissed him!
J lie husband’s anger rose!—and red
Ami his fa *e alternate grew f
‘ ree lom ma'am'-Kate sighed and said,
Uti dear . I didu t ktiotv V was you F*
I EDITOR’S DEPARTMENT,
ATHENS, SATURDAY, OCT. 21, 184$
fMtJAffig.l gansgg j
The Editor of the Southern Literary Gazettt Ic
ing desirous of developing and encouraging Literan
Talent in the South, has resolved to offer the sum o f
One Hundred Dollars, in prizes, as exhibited i r
the annexed schedule:
THE FIRST PRIZE
For the best Tale of the South, . . Fifty Dollars
THE SECOND PRIZE
For the second best Tale, . . . Twenty Dollars
THE FIRST PRIZE
For the best Poem, Twenty Dollars.
OR A COPY OF harper’s SPLENDID PICTORIAL BIBLE
THE SECOND PRIZE
For the second best Poem, Ten Dollars
OR A COPY OF harper’s PICTORIAL SHAKSPEARE.
All competitors must send in their MSS. before
the loth day of December ensuing, and they mui-t
come, if by post, pre-paid. They should be legibly
written on one side of a sheet only. Tbe authors’
names must be sent in separate sealed envelope.-,
which will not be opened until the prizes- have been
selected —when the successful competitors will be an
nounced. The articles will be submitted to the ex
amination and decision of a Committee, eomposetief
several gentlemen of distinguished character, whose
names will be announced in due time. The award
of prizes may be expected to be made known in the
last number for the present year, and the publication
of the First Prize Tale will be commenced with the
New Year.
The articles offered in competition will become
the property of the Editor, and those which are
deemed worthy will appear in the Gazette.
All communications relating to theprizes must be
addressed, post-paid, to the Editor.
Special Notice*
M e are not given to dunning, and intend to do as
little of it as any contemporary; but we have a word
to many of our Subscribers, as much for their ad
vantage as for ours. It is this: On the 4th day of
next month, the six months will havo expired, du
ring which Two Dollars will be received in full
for the first year's subscription, beginning with No
1. By our published terms, all subscriptions unpaid
after six months of the year will be raised to Two
Dollars and Fifty Cents.
Now we assure our kind friends and patron?, that
all we want for our paper is Two Dollars from
every one; but we must insist on receiving that
amount within the six months, or thereafter the ex
tra half dollar will be charged.
o
Need we say to the true and generous friends of
Literature in the South, that our’s is a task hard
enough, in all conscience, under the best auspice
but doubly hard and unthankful when the poor pit
tance we require from each one is withheld for
months after it is due. We would never ask for our
dues at all, if we could get along without them -~
But we cannot, and we expect every S. L. U.—
which may be interpreted Subscriber to the Litera
ry Gazette—to do his duty. We claim no more and
no less. We beg of each one as a favor, however,
that he will endeavor to add to the stability of our
enterprize by increasing its circulation.
OCr* Subscribers in the country and in village?
where there is ro Agent, will please remit by mail
The payment to local or travelling Agents within
the limits, will be sufficient We beg leave to nam
the following gentlemen as local Agents:
Savannah—George C. Griffon and Mr. Harmon.
Augusta—Eli Mustin.
Macon—J. J. &S. P. Richards.
Charleston, S. C.~John Russell.
Beaufort, S. C.—T. J. Wells.
Milledgevllle—Otis Childs.
New York City—C. M. Saxton. 205 Broadway-
Philadelphia—Carey & Hart.
Boston—Gould, Kendall & Lincoln.
Sparta—C. W\ Du3ose.
Atlanta—.Tas. McPherson & Cos.
Darien—James E. Town-end.
Dalton—W. L. High.
Mariet a—A. J. Ilansell.