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POO
Post-Office orders from all jiortlons o 1
tho country will secure a supply of
BONK OCISE, tho only safe, quirk and
positive euro for acute and chronic
Gonorrhcua and Gleet crer used. Cures
effected under five days, requiring no
Internal remedies, no change of diet,
or loss of time. Its action destroys and
antagonizes every atom of venereal
poison with which It comes iu con
tact, and is harmless to healthy parts
POO
A Post-Office order for $4.00 will buy
throe bottles of BONKOCINE, the only
harmless vegetable compound ever
offered which positively cures and pre
vents the contagion of an v and all ve
nereal diseases.
The constant, persevering and uni
versal use of this remedy would effect
ually wipe out all venereal diseases
from the faro of the earth. G. and G.
can neither l>o contracted nor exist
when it is used, because it destroys by
men* contact. It allays all pain, sub
dues tho Inflammation and promotes
quiet slumbers.
POO
A well knowu railroader writes as
follows;
ATIAXTA, Fkh’Y 21, ISB3.
Bonkocinet’o.:—“ Early i:i January I
commenced the use of iiONKO INK
for a bad case of G. which had baffled
tho fcklll and medicines of five physi
cians and three bottles cured me sound
and well I lost no time, used no other
remedy and did not change my diet.
It is a Messing to those whose paths are
not bright."
Discard all capsules, copnbia, etc. .and
use that which never fails, and will
keep you cured for life by acting a* a
preventive.
One bottle9l .fA or thr*e I r SI.OO.
Bold bv druggists. Expressed on re
ceipt of price.
BONKOCINE CO.,
78>i Whitehall . treet,
Atlanta, Ga.
F r s le in Wo >m rvil'e by
j s. n, oiTouy & co.
V w \ w V*
newHome
Qy,wi n A
p.Machi^
P £ V(lneve^ p l t -™,
NO EQ uA " ;
NEWHOm EiHCMACHIN £(-,
f 30 UNION SQUARE NEWYORK
o"' CAc O UA, £,
ill. MASS. GA.
TOR SALE BY
I'll \ I ; * r & C ’ A I N,
c,..,, ~ ,r|, ( ;
Nerve-Life and VigG:
- RESTORED.-
t—. This cut ehown the
Mhh Howard Kloctrii
■ lil:!
1 ,'iVkr- HfJHuiKl Nh-V(-U': ;
centern. Tim; oi.ly r.}
X. nUaiK'4* ma<l<- Dm;
fits ev*ry part <>l
|H[ the body, arid the
V pro 1 nly one ru-tu'd u
■ *4 i I' .MTi' KI T < ’ r >
§|g§|M * *• it 1 Khln. M
Bfispß J l£ li • ii niittlM.:.
I OF THE i J* |* e phi n
V 0/lM the wor.wt ciim h <-
F VQbpf mS| Seinlnal Weak
Bf iicm, KihaiiK
tlon, Iniputui
Vts l . > '0w l Ail>,it 1 cy, and “I* •>(
lr#!!iVAUiAnl?irl <'“<■ i"'l WeU
U ueMiof the (Jrlnc
V '* Geiittul OrgatiM
[Patented Feb. 25, J879.] ■" ■
YOUNG MEN, from early Indiscretion, l.u V
nerve force and fail to attain strength.
MIDDLE AGED MEN often lack vigor, attrihut
ing It to the progress of yews.
The MOTHER, WIFE and MAID. sufTcringfron
Female Weakness, Nervous Debility and other ail
ments, will find it the only cure
To one and all we say that the Shield gives a nat
ural aid in a natural way
WITHOUT DRUGGING THE STOMACH.
WarrMitcd One Year, and the ber
appliance made.
Illustrated Pamphlet, THREE TYPES OF MEN.
also Pamphlet for Ladies only, sent on receipt o
6c, sealed; unsealed, FREE.
American Galvanic Cos..
ncnorc. 134 Hadl.n St., Chicago.
Ul I lut J 1 1103 Chcalnut St.. Phlla.
Beecher on the Printers.—Mr.
Beecher paused in the middle of one ol
his announcements Sunday, knit his
brow and then stumbled over the title
of a lecture that was to be delivered.
‘ I guess that's it, or something like it,’
he added in a tone of annoyance ; “It’s
in that detestable type which printers
use nowadays, the chief object of which
seems to be to make it impossible for
anybody to tell what it is.”
Volatility of words is carelessness in
action, Words are the wings of action.
£ljc £hnmnmnllc (Lhijcttc.
vol xr.
NANCY ;
AN IDYL OF THE KITCHEN.
brown holl&ud aprou she stood in the
kitchen ;
Her Bleevea were rolled up, and her cheeks
all aglow ;
er hair was coiled neatly ; when I, indiscreetly,
Stood watching while Nancy was kneading
the dough.
ow, who could be neater, or brighter, or
sweeter,
Or who hum a song so delightfully low,
Or who look so slender, so graceful, so tender,
As Nancy, sweet Nancy, while kneading the
dough ?
How deftly she pressed it, and squeezed it,
caressed it
And twisted and turned it, now quick and
now slow.
kh, me, but that madness, I’ve paid for in
sadness!
’Twas my heart she was kneading as well as
the dough.
At last, when she turned for her pan to the
dresser,
She saw me and blushed, and said shyly,
“Please, go,
Or my bread I’ll be spoiling, in spite of iny
toiling,
If you stan here and watch while I’m
kneading the dough.”
begged for permission to stay. She'd not
listen; *
The sweet little tyrant said, “ No, sir! no,
no!”
Jet when I had vanished on being thus banished
My heart staid with Nancy while kneading
the dough.
m dresmiug, .weet Nancy, ami sec you in
fancy,
Your heart, love, has aoftened and pitied my
woe,
Vnd we, dear, are rich in a dainty wee kitchen
Where Nancy, my Nancy, stands kneading
the dough.
—John A . Fraser , Jr., in the Century.
Joe’s Treat.
HOW SANTA CLAUS APPEARED TO MASTER
JOE AND MISS SIS ON CHRISTMAS
KVB.
It was Christmas Eve and orowds of
busy buyers and pleasure-seekers
thronged Avenue A. Among them
might have been seen a boy of per
haps ten years and a girl iftmc three
years his junior, who were evidently
bent upon a very important errand, if
one could judge by the number of times
they paused and oousuJigd, tlie look of
earnestness deepening in their faces.
Good faces they were, too, if a little soiled.
The boy’s frank and honest, with a merry
twinkle in each dark eye, whilst the
girl’s blue ones wore an innocent, wist
ful expression. She would have been
quite pretty if it had not beon for the
sickly color of her skin (want of proper
nourishment), and the mattod locks,
which only needed soap and water to
render them soft and golden. A straw
bonnet, a portion of the brim missing,
On account of its being several sizes too
large, gave the child constant employ
ment trying to keep it on. Its counter
part in the shape of a hat covered the
curly head of her companion, whose
pants could have easily held another
boy.
Presently they paused before a large
store with its window filled with cakes.
Square cakes, round cakes, frosted
cakes, cakes with snow-white towers and
ounning sugar cupids, cakes large and
Bmall, yellow with eggs or black with
fruit. As the children stood gazing at
the rich display an old gentleman passed,
turned and retraced his steps, and also
took his stand before the cake window.
Ever and anon his kindly face was lit up
by a smile ns some remark of the chil
dren’s reached his cars.
At last the important question seemed
decided, for the boy, with a nod and the
words, “You jess wait here, H-s,” made
his way into the store. It was crowded,
so ho had to wait his turn, while the girl
pressed her eager little face tightly
against the window pane, tiptoeing on
her small, baro toes in excitement.
There was quite a pretty flush on the
child’s delicate cheeks w hen the boy re
appeared with a small parcel iu his hand,
and she exclaimed eagerly:
"Did you get it ?”
“You bet,” was the answer followed by
a long-drawn-out “Oh !” from the little
girl as they made their way along the
venue, the old gentleman close behind
them. Alter a while they turned into a
side stri ct and bent tlieir steps toward a
vacant lot, half shut in by a brick wall
and littered over with oil packing-cases,
bits of tarpaulin and refuse.
“Is it a nice place where you live ?”
questioned the girl, as 1 . r companion
piloted her over barrel hoops and old
crockery. A saucy look twinkled in the
boy’s eyes as he answered :
“Well, Sis, it ain’t exactly what you’d
call a brown-stone front; it’s more
on the Oscar Wilde style.”
“What’s that?” and the little girl’s
eyes opened to their widest extent.
“That’s a kinder style as is made up
of old things as was chucked away as no
good to nobody.” Then he added :
“Here we are ; jess hold on a minute
till I light the chandelier, or you might
knock your head agin the frescoing.”
A smell of sulphur, then the faint
glimmer of a candle showed tho outline
of a large packing-case, partially
covered with pieces of tarpaulin.
Drawling one of these pieces aside, the
boy bade his companion enter, adding :
“Sit down, Sis, till I git the fire
a-going; you’re company, you know.”
Obeying orders, His seated herself on
an upturned butter-tub and gazed in
quiringly arovuid, The packing case
SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA, WEDNESDAY EVENING, FEBRUARY ft, 1884.
within which she sat stood lengthwise,
h hole in its side Vicing concealed by n
curtain of sail cloth, the other side wall
and part of front were composed of
pieces of tarpaulin, propped up l>y old
broom handles and one beat iron staple.
At the rear stood a high brick Wall.
Adorning the packing ease’s sides were
a part of a cirens poster, a Sunday
school card and a colored lithograph.
By the time His had finished her in
spections the fire, which consisted of
charred coal and odds and ends of wood,
was lit. It was built Upon the ground,
under a convenient air-hole, so the
smoke was not so bad as It might have
been. Then Sis produced a bundle that
she had hugged carefully under her arm
during the long walk, Unrolling the
old aprou that was wrapped arollnd it,
she disclosed to view a small batten'd
ooffee-pot. about an ounce of coffee and
a tiny package of brown suga.', observ
ing, with a little womanly gesture:
“I knowed very well that a boy
wouldn’t never think of that; Bolbcgged
Mrs. Dike to give me the coffee pot.
Isn’t it nice, Joe ? and slio was a going
to throw it away and I got the coffee of
a woman, as I minds her baby some
times instead of the penny, and a real
nice grocery mau lot mo sflrape out a
sugar barrel.”
Here, all out of breath at such a long
speech for her, Sis made the coffee and
sat it triumphantly upon the fire to boil,
Joe exclaiming:
“Well, I’m blessed ! we’re a doing it
right up to the handle.”
While sis hovered round the fire, for
fear of an unruly coal upsetting the
cherished coffee-pot, Joe drew from
some hidden resource n lemon and two
lumps of sugar. After slicing the
lemon he dropped it along with tho
sugar into a tomato can full of Water,
and having stirred the beverage with his
pen-knife gravely licked the blade to see
if it was all right. Then, as lie turned
the butter-tub into a table, covering it
with a piece of sacking marked in large
black letters, “This Side Up,” he re
marked:
“There isn’t another feller as I’d in
vile to this air Christmas Eve shindy
but you, Sis. There’s lots on ’em aB ’ud
be glad to come; it isn’t every day as
they gits such a treat.”
“Oh, Joe, it's jess lovely,” answefed
Sis, with an admiring glance at the spread
that nearly resulted in the collapse of
tiie coffee-pot, which took a notion just
then to execute a dip.
And Joe himself began to feel rather
proud of his treat when everything was
set forth. There was mi apple cut into
four quarters and arranged upon a
broken bit of a blue china plate, whilst
an orange sliced into as many pieces as
possible graced half of a wooden butter
platter. Tho chief features, however,
were, a very, small plum cake and a ditto
mince pie. The cake, placed upon tho
upturned bottom of a red collar-box, oc
cupied the middle of the table, a tiny
American flag stuck in its centre. Tho
lemonade, flanked by two oyster shells,
was for want of space consigned to the
floor, while the candle flickered itself
into little gullies down the sides of tho
ginger beer bottle that did duty as a
candlestick, perhaps in its anxiety for
the feast to begin.
Whether it should be a pie or a cake
had been tho important question, and
they had at last split the difference by
investing five of the ten cents in a cuke
and tho other five in a pie.
It had been a large sum for Joe to
spend in luxuries, not many tens finding
their way to his pocket; in fuct, it was
his lust cent, but ho was perfectly satis
fied with the result and I do not believe
there were two happier children in New
York that night than they, when tbo
coffee had been drunk to the last drop
and pronounced “elegant” (an old oyster
can serving for a cup), and the great
event of the evening the cake was to be
cut.
“Here, Sis, yon cut it, women always
does,” and Joe shoved the penknife to
ward his companion and she, perfectly
well aware of the importance of the oc
casion, knit her little brow anil measured
off the cake exactly with her finger be
fore placing the knife to it.
“Hold on, Sis, till I make a speech.”
[This as sis was about to help to the
dessert.] “It’s always done when they
brings on the pie and cake.” So saying
Joe refilled the oyster shells with lemon
ade, and having placed tho tattered re
mains of his hat firmly upon the back of
his head, he struck an attitude that
drew from Sis’s lips a long drawn oh I
and began with:
“Ladies and gentlemen"—
“Why, Joe, there ain’t none—there’s
only me and yon,” interrupted Sis.
“It don’t make no odds, they always
say it if there ain’t no rich ’round,” and
Joe with, “don’t bother,’" continued
with :
“We’ve met together ai this air treat;
now, Sis (this in an aside), you must
say, Hear, hear,” which order Sis, her
blue eyes full of astonishment at this
new accomplishment in her friend,
meekly obeyed; Joe continued with :
“which is an out and out outer, if I do
•;ay it myself, and —and—” Hero Joe
stirred the lemonade, but not finding an
idea there, burst ont with, “Oh, I’ll cut
it short; hero’s a jolly Christmas and—
a big hnnk of pudden.” Dropping into
his seat upon the floor he added, patron
izingly : “Now, Sis, you must make a
speech, too.”
“Oh I I couldn’t, Joe,” exclaimed the
little girl.
“Yes, you can, too—-it’s easy enttttgh.
L'illy did at Jim’s party, and she ain’t
half as pretty as yott be,” replied Joe
encouragingly.
•Did she?" answered Sis. “Then,
perhaps—l’ll try if you promise not to
laugh.” . ,
“ All right, go ahead. Here take a
sip of lemonade; it will sort of put the
pluck inter yer,” and Joe pushed the
tomato can toward her.
Rising and shaking out her little worn
dress, Sis placed lief aritls akimbo. She
remembered seeing a Woman doing it
once, who was talking to a big crowd,
“Ladies and geutleinen,” said Sis, “I
am so very much glad that I was invited
to this beau ter-ful treat, with such a
love-iv plum cake, I hopes Joe will have
one next Christmas Eve. 1 ’
“Hear! hear!” called out Joe; there
by causing Sis, in her confusion, to add
hurriedly:
“Many happy returns of the day,
amen.”
"Hurray 1” shouted Joe, “it s bettet
nor Tilly’s tell times,” at which Sis re
sented herself, blushing with pleasure
and feeling, perhaps, tho least speck
puffed up at her success. Poor little
waif, it was something new for her to re
ceive praise.
The speeches having been given to
their entire satisfaction, Joe felt his duty
as host somewhat relaxed and, leaning
back against the side of tile {Jacking
case, 110 remarked, carelessly:
“What do you think of my pictures,
Sis ?’*
“They’re jess love-ly, Joe; where did
you get ’em ?” replied Sis, trying to sip
the lemonade from her oyster shell, just
as she had seen ladies of her acquaint
ance take their sattcers full of tea.
“Oh, I picked ’em up ’round about.
Was you ever at a circus, Sis ?”
“No;” and seeing that she had rather
fallen in Joe’s estimation nt this confes
sion slio hastily added, “but I was to
Moody’s ami Sankey’s onct.” This not
producing exactly the effect sho ex
pected, she continued with:
“Do you believe iu Santy Claws,
Joe?”
“What? Tho feller what comes down
chimney and sich rubbish ? Do you
think as I’ve got anything soft about
me?” Then, catching the -look of dis
appointment on the girl's face, he Hastily
added; “Maybe there’s something in’t
for girh.”
“Oh, I wish there was,” exclaimed Sis,
tucking up her little bare toes beneath
her skirt, for, although it was rather a
mild night for that time of year, still,
now the fire was dying out and the feast
fast disappearing, the cold air began to
make itself folt.
“I don’t s’pose Santy Claws Ims much
time to bother about sich a shabby little
girl as mo, but I’d like a really, really
doll,” and tho child's eyes shone with
such a happy light at tho bare thought
that someone outside the packing-case
came very near betraying himself.
“And,” continued tho girl, “I’d want
him to bring you sich a lot of things—
a love-ly big cake.” Then, thinking
that perhaps she was reflecting upon the
smallness of the one they had just
oaten, she quickly added: ‘ ‘JJut it
couldn't bo beautifuller nor your’n.”
“Why, Sis, I say, what’s the matter?
you’ve got sich red cheeks and ”
“Have I?” and Sin's little brown hand
went up to her face at Joe’s words, us
she continued with —“perhaps it's the
lemonade.”
“Cracky ! what’s that?” and Joe gazed
open-eyed at a folded piece of paper
that had fallen from the sky, as it ap
peared to him, right into his lap. “If
it’s any of them boys,” he ejaculated,
jumping up, “I’ll put a head on ’em.”
“Oh ! J'h'i look here, there’s writing
on it may tie, oh 1 maybe it’s from Sauty
Claws,’’ exlaimed Sis.
Although Joe muttered “fiddlesticks,”
his eyes wore round with astonishment
when he read on the paper : “For Mas
ter .toe and Mihs His, ’ and on opening it
found a fifty-cent piece and more writ
ing, or rather printed letters, which
read:
“Santa Claus is very sorry that he had
nothing left to give Joe and Sis to-night,
but if they will be at packing-case house
to morrow morning at ten, someone will
bo there to take them to a friend of
Santa Claus, where perhaps there will a
'vally dull and a beautiful cake.”
“Well, I’m Messed," was all Joe could
utter, while Sis, clapping her hands with
delight, cried out:
“Oh, Joe, I knowed there was a Santy
Claws. Isn’t he good? Jess think, he
calls this packing-case house; how
tunny.”
“Well,” answered Joe, “there’s the
money anil there's the letter, and it does
look queer.”
“You’ll be here, Joe, won’t you?”
questioned Sis, a little anxiously.
“Yes, I guess so ; 1 don’t know of any
other appointment to hinder,” replied
Joe, with a grin, who was rapidly re
covering his usual manner, and, after a
moment’s thou; lit, he continued with:
“I tell you what. Sis : We’ll get
Mother Mack to put us up to-night.
We'll have jolly good beds for once and
a breakfast that’ll make your mouth
water. Como along.” So saying, Joe
blew out the light and deposited the
the candle ii his pocket, while His, ty
ing her bonnet strings, followed him
iorth into the night, casting a lialf-
expectant look arollnd for the kind Santa
Clans who had not forgotten them,
’thus, together they pass out from tho
vacant lot, full of bright anticipations of
the morrow.
A * # ♦ ♦
A year had come and gotio since the
niglit of Joe’s treat nud the very same
store where Joe purchased bis Christ
mas Eve cake was again full of dialed
dainties iu that line, and the same old
gentleman was there! but this time, in
stead of gazing in at the window, he
was making iiis way inside, lidding by
the hand a pretty little girl, with sweet
blue eyes and silky fair hair, hugging a
lovely doll possessing a muff and a fur
tippet, while accompanying them was a
bright, intelligent-looking boy. Both
children wore neatly, even handsomely
clad. All at once the little girl ex
claimed excitedly :
“Oh ! Uncle, there’s tho very same
cake man as last year. See, Joe, there
he is 1 I wonder if he will know you 1"
“Of course ho won’t, Sis, I’ve changed
my tailor since then,” and the boy’s
laughing eyes twinkled with fun, while
the old gentleman chuckled until he was
red in the face, and the two children had
to pat him on the back to keep him
from choking.
“It must boa plum cake and big, ”wafl
the little girl s order, and she had her
way. Years after, when she grew up
and had a nice home of her own, she
used to tell her children about Joe’s
treat and how through it two of New
York’s little waifs found such a happy
home.—Florence Re Verb Pencar,
Every Day Eessons In Farm Life.
A fair in every village may strike Iho
reader as all absurd idea, but according
to my views it is an excellent one. Let
me explain, In all small villages there
are one or more stores where the entire
nighborhood go to buy supplies, On
rainy days and during tho winter these
stores are more or less crowded with
farmers and their sons, who discuss their
farms, crops, etc.
We have such a community here. At
one of our stores was hung one day a big
potato, labeled with the name of the
variety, also the name of the man who
grew it. Now, every one who walked
into that store was attracted by this fine
specimen, and it ivas not many days be
fore, othet farmers brought in sample
potatoes, corn and the like. In each
case it was the best the farm afforded.
In tliis way farmers iu tho neighborhood
became interested in this agiiniltnrol
show; it incited them to improve their
seed and liny or exchange new varieties
with each other.
I can cut ten shocks more of drilled
corn in one. day by the following plan than
I Can in the old way, viz.: carrying it all
in the arms. After making the “buck,”
cut all the corn within reaching dis
tance and set it around the buck. After
this has been done cut, tho rest of tho
corn that belongs to the shock and
throw it on in piles, then take llieso
piles by the tops and set them around
tho small shock that had been started
before.
None but tho laboring man who Ims
suffered actual pain while husking corn
can appreciate what a euro for cracked
and chapped hands means. Do not wash
vonr hands during cold weather ofteuer
than can be helped. Grease them in
tho morning with clean sheep’s tallow;
melt it and rub it in thoroughly; tho
more grease you can rub in the better.
At noon give them another greasing and
at night wash the hands. My word for
it, by this plan a man can husk corn
with pleasure.
Gave it lip.
The anger of Air. John Joseph Ryan
of N. Y. oily has been aroused by what
ho considers the inability of this Re
public to protect its citizens abroad.
He was naturalized in the Court of
Common Pleas of New York city on Octo
ber 13, 1880. The contempt which ho
now entertains for his citizenship has in
duced him to return iiis certificate to
the court, and ask that his name be
stricken from the roll. His letter says :
—Seeing how American citizens are
strung up unmercifully on the gallows
in England, and how Messrs. White
head, Curtin, Wilson and Gallagher,
American citizens, lutve been, on the
evidence of a lying informer, sentenced
to life imprisonment in England without
American interfere nee, I wish to have
my name erased from the American
citizenship roll of your court and Amer
ica at large.
Mr. Ryan deposited this letter and
his naturalization papers with Cierk
Rogers, in tho office of the court, said
that the documents would explain them
and hurried ont of the Court-House.
He signs himself as a citizen of the Irish
Republic.
When a countryman enters a small
village and doesn’t drive up to the tavern
steps at. a breakneck speed and shout
whoa! in a manner to indicate that his
horse can out-run, out-jump and out-trot
anything and everything in the shape if
horseflesh that ever lived in the comity,
you call make up your mind that the
countryman is either sick or ho has got
a basket of eggs under tho seat of lira
wagon. Philadelphia Call.
Christiania, the capital of Norway, is
reported to have lost. 14,224 in popula
tion the present year by emigration,
NO.:;
THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
WORl’ft OF WISDOM fico.u paiiauimc
IIAM,. •
llroilirr GiirJncr toll* n* .•Mfmrihlim; About
the i< iu hi iml Wrong ol Thing*.
jFfoin Tlio Detroit Frco Press.]
“Pur am seb’fnl tilings riiit (loan’ look
'zaclly right to mo,” said Brother Gard
ner, a" lie rubbed his bald head with
one hand and opened the meeting with
the other.
“It doan’ look ’zactly right to see one
man wutll ten millyon dollars an’ nnoder
wuth only ton cents (applause by Sam
uel Shin), but yit if I wits dc ten millyon
dollar man I wouldn’t keer wheder it
looked right or not.” [Sudden end to
the applause.]
“It doan’ look ’zactly right fur one
man to own a great foundry, while au
•bder mau am oblecged to work fur him
fur $2 a day [“Hear! hear!” from Judge
Cadaver], lint if I was de $2 a day man
I wouldn’t flow myself out of a job to
spite de owner or to please a demago
gogue. ” [The Judge subsides. ]
“It doan’ look ’zactly right to see otio
man hold oflis all de time, while anoder
man has to shove a jack-plane fur a
libiu’ (great rustic iu Pickle Smith’s
corner), but lie who shoves de jack-plane
has de respect of de community an’
keeps outer jail.” [Rustle dies away.]
“It doan’ look zactly right to see fo’ty
lawyers rush to defend a criminal who
has stolon mouey in his pockets, while do
offender who am moneyless am left todig
his way frew a ten-foot wall wid an 010
knife-blade (grins on n dozen faces); but
if I was a lawyer I should airn my
money any odder way except by sawiu’
wood. Do public doan’ look fur any
pertiekler display of conscience on do
part of lawyers, an’ darfore suffer no
disnppiiitments.” [Grins no longer ob
servable. ]
“It doan’look ’zactly right fur one
man to have a big brick house an’ an
oder man a rough bo’il shanty, but ’long
’bout tax-time do man in de shanty kin
sit on de fence an chuckle over de fack
dst he bain t rich.
“It doan’ look ’zactly right to sec one
ipan go pushin’ an’ siVfillin’ an’ crowdin’
everybody else off de sidewalk to let de
public know dat he am a king-bee, but
such men have to carry de anxiety of
bein’ in debt to de tailor an’ of dodgin’
de grocer an’ of subscribin’ s‘2!> to build
a church widout a hope of bein’ able to
pay ten cents on de dollar.
“In fack, toy friends, dar am heaps
an’ heaps o’ things dat doan’ look ’zactly
right to ns at fust glance, but when ye
come to figger it up an’ divide an’ sub
tract we’ve all got a heap to bo thankful
fur an’ to encourage us lo get lip airly in
do mawnin’. A man kin brace his legß
an’ lay back like a mule, an’ kick away
at da hull world an’ hate eberybod.v an’
bo bated In return, or lie kin nick up
sartiu crumbs o’ cousoiashun, crowd
inter a seat in da back eaiul of do wagin,
an’ take a heap o’ comfort, knowin dat
somebody is wnss off dan himsolf. Let
ns accumulate to bizness.”
Dying of Thirst
“Did yon ever suffer extreme hunger
or thirst ?” was asked of a Kentucky
colonel who had been relating some
solid stories about himself.
“Well,” ho replied, “I never Buffered
what might be called extreme hunger,
but no man knows how to endure the
agonies of thirst better than I do,
“I remember the time well,” he con
tinued, retrospectively. “I was on a
fishing excursion and became lost in the
woods. For three days not a drop
passed my lips. My lengthened absence
finally caused alarm and a party was
sent out in search of mo. They found
me lying in an unconscious condition
on llie banks of a little trout stream,
anil it was hours before any hopes of
saving me were entertained.”
“Was the trout stream dry?” asked
one of the interested listeners.
“Dry ? Oe.rtainly not. How could I
catch fish if the stream was dry ?”
“Well, I don’t see how you could suf
fer from thirst with a stream of water
close at hand.”
“Water close nt hand?” repeated the
Kentucky Colonel. “And what Ims
water got to do with a man’s being
thirsty ?”—Philadelphia Evening Vail.
"OaMiANtuy awakhns kakly in the
breasts of some Boston boyH,” says the
Journal of that city. “A lady in that
oily has a does in the Sunday school of
one of the leading churches, the mem
bership of which consists of boys who
arc each about eight years of age. Like
most youngsters they are of too exuber
ant spirits to keep altogether as quiet as
the demands of the school require, and
are prone to become restless and noisy
at times. A few Sundays ago one of
them was particularly uneasy, when the
teacher, thinking to shame him into
quiet, said: ‘Now, George, I don’t
know what I shall do with you if you
are so noisy. lam afraid I shall have
to punish you for it, and think the best
way to do so would be to make you sit
in my lap.’ ‘Ah,’ said the young scape
grace with an arch look, 'if you should
do that, Mrs. , I think you would
find the whole class getting noisy.’ ”
Whhx a wild Western editor advises
,he girls riot to chew gum, but to have a
little gum slum about them, the art of
punning reaches a point where it be
comes useful as well as ornamental.
ACCIDENTALLY HEARD.
X FEW NOTKH PltO.ll TflK I’llll.AllEl.*
fill A EVENING GAM
IN NEW YORK.
Beggar— “ Thank yez, thank yez. It
is not ivory gintlet -n that wad help a
poor widely. May yez live forever anil
a day.”
Philanthropist—“Oh, that would be a
littlo too long. I would not want to Uve
forever and a day.”
Beggar—“ Thin may yez livo till tho
Bartholdi pedistal is completed.”
TOT HIS B IOT IN IT
They were returning homo trom tho
theatre and had nearly reached her
home when tho young man observed :
“Isn’t the weather cold and raw.”
She must, have misunderstood him.
“Raw,” she said rather hesitatingly.
“Yes, I like them raw, hut” she con
tinued, looking sweetly in his eyes,
“don’t you think thoy are nicer fried ?”
What could he do ?
DESERVINO OP CREDIT.
"Yes," said the grocery man, “Jones
has stopped drinking, is working every
day and is taking good care of his
family. Ho certainly deserves a great
deal of credit.”
At this juncture Jones came into tho
store and asked tho grocery mau if ho
would trust him to a sack of flour for a
few days.
“No,” was the reply, “times are too
hard. I can’t givo any crodit.”
now she woinj) do it
Mr. Jones —“I wonder why in tho
world Congress don’t do something at
once to stamp out. polygamy ?”
Mrs. Jones—“ Because Congress is
composed of men, and men don’t know
anything. I could kill polygamy with
one Mow.”
Mr. Jones—“Oh, indeed! and how
would do it ?”
Mrs. Jones—“l would go to Salt
Lake City and start a millinery store
there.”
VERY NECESSARY.
Materfamilias—“Morey ! John, what
do you moan by. practicing with that hor
rid revolver all day long, and you a theo
logical student, too?”
John—"J am trying to learn to shoot
straight, ma.”
Materfamilias—“But you are to be a
clergyman. You will have no need of
such a horrid accomplishment as that.”
John—“Oh, yes, I will, too. Cousin
Fred says that when I gradnato he is
going to get mo a call for a congregation
in his town, and you know he lives in
Texas.” _____
THE ADVANTAGE.
First Politician- “I hear that the
salary of the Governor of Michigan is
only SI,OOO a year.”
Second Poli'i.’hn "O-W ftl.OOO?
Well, that is getting things do.,- iretty
fine.”
First Politician—“ What puzzles e
is that they should ever find anyone •
take the position at that pay, for I learn
that there are very few perquisites.”
Second Politician—“But you forget
the immonse advantage of the office.”
First Politician —“Iu what way?”
Second Politician—“A governor can
not be arrested.”
UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAMES.
A Russian gentleman l:y the name of
Sloblierseabskiliivitch was traveling in
Maine when a brakoman shouted :
“ Wbquetegnock; change cars for An-
Iroscoggin and Sacearappacasset.”
“Whatsky did ho sayvitoh?” asked
the Russian gentleman in broken En
glish of his traveling companion.
“Ho was announcing the names of sta
tions,” was the reply.
Tho foreigner smiled a superior smile
as he leaned back iu his seat, and re
marked :
“Wo Russians are very muchvitch
amnsedsky at tho hoathenisliscoff names
you peopleucff have in this country
skoff.”
NOT REMARKABLE.
“I see by the papers that there is a
clock in the postoflice in Monmouth,
Oregon, which was brought across the
plains in 1852, and has been running
ever since.”
“Nothing remarkable about that.”
“Nothing remarkable?”
"No. I crossed the plains myself in
1852.”
"Well, what of that? This clock waa
taken across the plains in that year and
lias been running ever since.”
"Exactly. That clock was probably
wittr onr party. Wo were attacked by
Indians, and I don’t wonder it has been
running ever since. I feel like running
myself every time I think of it.”
A Creature of Impulse.
A friend of Mr. Ohristianey, who was
acquainted with his divorced wife, said
to a reporter the day after the sudden
death of Mrs. Christiancy:
“I never' know a woman in whom the
scale of emotion was so long. It ranged
from the loftiest exaltation to the deep
est depression. She was a creature
swayed by impulse. Oue day she would
be buoyant with hopo and the next day
wretched. It was iu one of these ex
tremes that she married Mr. Ohristianey
ami in the other that she told him on
her wedding night that slro did not love
him, and cursed her fate. However,
she soon returned to her state of exalted
happiness. The Senator told me, even
after his divorce proceedings were begun,
that iu her happy moods she was one of
ilte kindest and sweetest women in the
world. Yon may not believe it, or you
may think lie is a fondly foolish old
man, hut Senator Ohristianey loved that
woman with his whole heart and loves
her now.”
Tiirke are 34,000 deaf mutes in the
(JnitedStatos, or one out of every 1,500
peoplq.