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jf. WIT AND WISDOM.
A baseball nein—“Not out!”
The rule of three—a triumvirate.
Bobbing the males—a church fair.
Small currency—sewing society gos
sip.
The moonstone—an engagement dia
mond.
Talk is cheap, except through a tele
phone.
The best coat-of-farms for America—
manure.
The letter p’s usefulness to pneumo
nia is about like that of the husband of a
boss milliner.
“A bing around the moon is a sign oi
bad weather.” A ring around the eye is
generally a sign of a squall.
“What is laughter ?” asks a scientist
It is what you don't hear when you find
your wife sitting up for you after the
club.
A cold climate is hard to bear, but it
makes men robust and active. People
in very warm countries lead a rather
shiftless life.
A young lady at a ball the other even
ing referred to her gentleman escort as
an Indian. “For,” said she, “he is al
ways on my trail.”
Brides now go to the altar with the
left hand uncovered. This means that
when the husband comes home late he
will be handled without gloves.
Colored Woman—“ Boss, kin I get
de job ob cleanin’ out dis heah bank ?”
President—"No! you are too late. The
cashier has already attended to that.”
“Press on 1 achieve 1 achieve 1” sings
Ella Wheeler in her last poem. This
sounds as if she was counseling a Chi
nese laundry man to sneeze while ironing.
He—My dear, the most extraordinary
thing happened when I came homo this
evening. She—What was it? He—
Why, my slippers were both in the same
place and just where I left them.
The great perennial power of a good
pastor over his flock is heart power.
Nine-tenths of the people in any con
gregation are only to be reached through
their affections. Sympathy is power.
Say everything for vice you can say,
magnify any pleasure as much as you
please, but do not believe you have any
secret for sending on quicker the slug
gish blood, and for refreshing the faded
nerve.
“Have you weak eyes ?” said a lady
to an applicaSt for a kitchen position,
who wore blue spectacles. "No, ma’am,”
“but I scour pots and things so thor
oughly that the glitter of them hurts mv
sight.”
When a visitor at the Carlisle Indian
School asked a young Cheyenne girl if
she was a member of a church, she an
swered, "Not much; just a little.”
There are hundreds of other church
members similarly affected.
You can’t blame a wife for losing her
love for a husband who persistently
stays away from home. As she cannot
get him into the house even, it follows
naturally that she should not be able to
in-door him.— Boston Traveler.
They had recently been and got mar
ried, and had just returned from their
honeymoon. He: “I wonder why so
many people stare at us, my dear?”
She: “No doubt they are wondering
what I could have seen in you.”
Life, like war, is a series of mistakes;
and he is not the beat Christian nor the
best general who makes the fewest false
steps. Poor mediocrity may secure
that, but he is best who wins the most
splendid victories by the retrieval of
mistakes.
A hatteb sees one of his debtors pass
him by in the street without any recog
nition of his existence, and straightway
became as mad as—as a hatter. “Curse
the fellow 1” he says, “he might, when I
bowed to him, have at least had the de
cency to lift my hat.”
‘Tors age?” asked the judge.
“Thirty-five, your honor,” replied the
woman. Judge—“ But you were thirty
five the last time you were here, three
years ago." She—" And does your honor
think I’m the woman to say one thing
one day and another thing another ?”
Mrs. Barnacle went to ride with
Mr. B. when the mercury was at zero.
“Why, John, how cold it is 1 We must
do something for the poor 1 They will
fre< 7.1 this weather.” When she reached
home, and had sat for an hour oriertiic
register in her sealskin sacque, she ex
claimed : "Beally, John, it’s not as cold
as I thought it w'as. We need not hurry
in that charity matter.”
Hrs Books—A New York author was
announcing t® a friend the speedy pub
lication of a new book by himself, “j
will startle you,” replied the friend; “I
intend to bny a copy of that book.”
The author confessed that he was sur
prised. Most of his friends, he said,
thought enough of him to accept his
books when he gave them, but the an
nonnc«ment of an intention to buy one
was new to him
The Bev. Elijah Kellogg, the distin
guished author and preacher, spent,
says the Boston Courier, his early life
on Harps well Island in Casco Bay,
where he still has a beautiful summer
residence. Instead of spending his
time in play with his companions when
a boy, he devoted every leisure moment
to the somewhat arduous task of drag
ging a heavy ox chain all over the island
to hear its musical rattle on the stones
and its soft “chink” in the grass.
A fellow in Oxford county, Me.,
gulied a whole towA and caught a rich
widow. When the assessors of taxes
came around he told them that they
might tax him for 310,000 in money at
interest, although he was supposed to
be poor and worked in a mill for 31.50 a
day. The fame of a man who was suffi
ciently honest to uncover concealed tax
able property of his own accord, spread
through the town, and he was lionized.
He made an impression on a wealthy
widow and married her. After the wed
ding the assessors had to abate the
on the supposititious 810,000, and
woman had to support a
band. He was not worth a dojt<
3’uinincruiDc Q? 113 cite.
VOL. XII. SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA, WEDNESDAY EVENING, APRIL 15,1885. NO. 13.
DISSATISFIED.
An old farm-house, with pastures wide,
Sweet with flowers on every side;
A restless lad who looks from ont
The porch, with woodbine twined about,
Wishes a thought from in his heart:
Oh, if I only could depart,
From this dull place the world to see,
Ah me ! how happy I would be 1
Amid the city's ceaseless din,
A man who round the world has been,
Who, mid the tumult and the throng,
Is thinking, wishing all day long:
Oh, could I only tread once more
The field path to the farm-house door;
The old green meadows could I see,
Ah, me I how happy would I be.
—Dublin (Ireland) Times.
A LONDON ADVENTURE.
Three years since I had occasion to
pass a few weeks in London. I am about
to relate an adventure which befell me
at this time, which came very near hav
ing a very serious termination. I can
not even now think of it without a
shudder.
I was wending my way in the early
part of the evening toward Drury Lane
Theatre, a famous temple of the drama,
known the world over, when my atten
tion was suddenly drawn to an appeal
for charity made by a figure crouching
on the doorway of a house.
I looked at the applicant. He appeared
to be an elderly man attired in a manner
which bespoke the extreme of destitu
tion. His coat was soiled and ragged.
From beneath a shocking hat I could
see gray locks stealing out. His form
was bowed, and I judged from his gen
eral bearing that he must be at least Cf
years of age.
“A few pence, sir, for a poor old man,”
ae whispered. “I am cold and hungry.
I have had nothing to eat since yester
day.”
My compassion was stirred. Had ho
oeen in the prime of life I could have
passed by his petiti on unheeding. But
age and infirmity make poverty a pitifu’
spectacle.
"Are you, indeed, so poor?” I asked,
stopping before him.
"I am too feeble to work,” he said.
“I depend on what gentlemen give me.
Yet I shonld not care so much for my
self, but my poor child—l am obliged to
leave her at home sick while I come out
to beg.”
I was on the point of giving him a
shilling when an instinct »f caution
stepped in.
“After all,” I thought, “he might be
an imposter.” Ju that case I should
grudge the shilling, small as it was,
which I intended to give him. But if
things were really as he said, I should
be willing to bestow on him a larger
amount.
“How am I to know whether your
story is true ?” I said, stopping in the
act of drawing a shilling from my
pocket. “How am I to know whether
you have a sick child, as you repre
sent ?”
“If you will come home with me,” he
said, in a tone of subdued eagerness (I
remembered this afterward), “I will con
vince you.”
"Perhaps he makes this offer,” I
thought, “feeling confident that I will
not accept it. He shall find himself
mistaken this time. lam resolved for
once to satisfy myself, and if it is as he
says, he shall have a crown instead of
a shilling.”
“Where do you live?” I asked, after
a moment’s pause.
“About a quarter of a mile from here,”
was the reply.
“Lead on, then,” said I. "I will ac
company you home and satisfy myself
whether your story is correct. If you
are needy as your appear.to be I will do
what I can to help you.”
The old man was profuse in his pro
testations of gratitude. In fact, he
seemed so willing to comply with my re
peat that again there was a revulsion of
feeling, and 1 felt ashamed that I had
questioned his honesty. I inwardly re
solved to make it up to him.
It was a dismal night. The air was
misty and damp, and the occasional
street lamps revealed a disagreeable
neighborhood. On either side I saw
wretched tenement houses. At the doors
were gaunt faces, sometimes wearing a
fierce, almost desperate look. I felt
that I should not like to pass through
these streets at a late hour of the night.
Yet it is only fair to say that London is
tolerably well governed. The police are
numerous, and, so far as my experience
extends, are polite and attentive to
strangers. Considering how great an
amount of poverty and utter, destitution
there is in the great city, it furnishes a
matter of surprise that the harvest of
crime, great as it is, should not be even
greater. Yet doubtless, as the incident
I am relating serves to show, there is
many a secret crime committed that
never sees the light and never becomes
known to the authorities.
My glance fell thoughtfully upon my
guide. He was toiling along, appar
ently with difficulty, a little in advance
of me, and from time to time looked
back to see if I were following
Once
so suspicious a neighborhood. My
guide looked at the watch greedily.
“Poor fellow 1” I thought. “Every
evidence of wealth and comfort must no
doubt fill him with envy.” I don’t know
why it was that no suspicions of the
man’s good faith hod thus far entered
my mind. If there had, the sight of his
feebleness would have led me to smile
with contempt at the thought that he
could possibly do me any harm.
Still he hobbled on.
We had by degrees got a considerable
distance from the place where I first
encountered him. I thought that I
should be late for the play, and thought
of pausing and dismissing him with a
gratuity of half a crown.
“Are you far from your room—from
where you live ?” I asked. “Wo must
have gone half a mile Instead of a quar
ter. ”
“That is the house,” said he, point
ing to a wretched building only a few
steps distant.
“In for a penny in for a pound,”
thought I. “I will see this adventure
through, even if I am late for the thea
tre.”
My guide entered the house, and I
followed him up a rickety staircase—
rather up three—until we reached the
fourth story. It was pitch dark all the
way. When he had mounted to the
third landing he fumbled at the door
and opened it. I followed him in.
“Stop a moment, kind gentleman,
and I will light a candle,” said the old
man.
I stopped, and in a moment the dim
light of a farthing dip illuminated the
apartment.
I had scarcely time to take a hasty
glance at the room and its appurtenances
than the old man stepped behind me
and closed the door. There was a
click audible. It fastened as it closed.
What did 1 see? Os course I expected
to see a miserable den, with broken
down furniture and every evidence of
the direst destitution and wretchedness.
Instead of this my gaze rested on a room
comfortably furnished; a Kidderminster
carpet, not much worn, covered the floor.
There were a few neat chairs, a mahog
any table and a comfortable bed.
“You have deceived me,” said I, stern
ly, turning upon the old man. I turned
as I said this, but what was my bewil
derment at perceiving that the old man
had disappeared and in his place there
stood before me quite a different person
age.
The gray hair, the bowed form, tho
mar ks of age had vanished. My guide
wih no longer old and decrepit, but a
man in the prime of life, strong and
vigorous. His gray wig, for it was a wig,
lay on the carpet, whither he had care
lessly tossed it.
“You seem a little surprised,” ho said,
in a mocking voice; “strange miracles
sometimes happen nowadays.”
“What docs this mean ?” I asked, in
bewilderment.
“What does it mean?” repeated tho
man, coolly. “It means that I will
trouble you for that watch of yours. It
appears to be a valuable one,” he con
tinued with bold impudence. "I will
take the liberty to borrow it of you for
an indefinite period. Just now, unfor
tunately, my watch happens to be at the
jeweler’s, so that I am unable to be on
time in my fashionable engagements. I
shall be compelled to trouble yon for the
Joan of yours.”
“Is there anything else yon would
Lke ?” I asked hotly, indignant at hav
ing been so cleverly outwitted, and
that, too, by a man whom I had been in
tending to succor. It seemed the worst
kind of an imposition, playing upon my
feelings only to work me injury.
“Yes,” he replied carelessly, “I am
out of money just at present. Slightly
overdrawn at my banker’s. Awkward,
isn’t it ? I will take the additional lib
erty of borrowing your purse. Though
I don’t generally do such things, I will,
if it will be any satisfaction, give you my
note of hand for the amount, due say in
ninety years.”
Again he laughed mockingly.
“You are an atrocious villain !” said
I, indignantly.
“Oh, no doubt. You’re quite welcome
to call me so. We’re all sinners, you
know 1”
The man’s insufferable coolness and
impudence quite took away my breath
I felt that a discussion could do no pos
sible good. He had me in his power,
and of course that gave him the entire
advantage.
“Let me out I” I exclaimed, advancing
toward the door.
“Not yet,” said he resolutely, display
ing a pistol. "Not till you have com
plied with my very reasonable demands.
Do that and you shall go freely, and not
a hair of your head shall be harmed.
Come, what do you say ?”
What could I say ? How was I, sin
gle handed and without a weapon, to
contend with this man, my equal in
strength and armed with a pistol ? This
makes the weak equal with the strong,
If I only had that pistol—if I could only
him. But that seemed
He was watchful and wary.
and fail he
m - r v.
Vrake.
that is, I could throw my voice to an
other part of the room so that some one
else might seem to be speaking. No
sooner did I think of this than I resolved
upon my plan.
"Well,” said he impatiently, “have
you decided?”
“Wretch 1” said a voice just behind
him.
He turned suddenly, and at that mo
ment I snatched the pistol from his
grasp.
“Now it is my turn,” said I exulting
ly. “Open that door or I fire.”
He looked at me in stupid surprise.
I repeated my command.
He advanced a step toward me.
“Make the slightest attempt to retake
this weapon and I fire.”
He glared at me with a look of baffled
ferocity, and looked undecided.
I repeated my order and he sullenly
opened the door.
I passed through, backing out warily,
ready to fire at the slightest movement
showing intent to assault me. I should
have felt no hesitation in doing so. The
man was a desperate villain, very likely
a murderer, and I felt that I should bo
justified. But he seemed to have given
up his enterprise as bootless. He went
back into his room and slammed tho
door. I made my way out into tho
street and hurried to the theatre, first
removing the charge from my weapon.
It proved to be a valuable one, and I de
cided to retain it as a “contraband of
war.”
Boiler Skating Rinks.
The Cleveland Leader says: A stylish
ly-dressed young lady, whose features
were concealed by a thick veil, entered
the downtown office of a prominent
physician yesterday afternoon, and, with
some show of nervousness, requested an
audience with him. The doctor led the
way into his private office, and the fair
patient removed her veil, remarking as
she did bo, “I wish you would toll me
what is the matter with my face.”
In the dimly-lighted room the physi
cian was unable to find anything wrong.
Stepping to the window, the lady said,
pointing to the roguish dimples that
nature had placed on cheeks and chin
and the little creases about the corners
of her eyes: “Do you see that? My
bee looks as though I had been working
in a coal mine.” Closer inspection
showed the physician that the dimples
and creases as well as the larger pores
in the lady's face were filled with a dark,
grimy substance. “I have scrubbed and
worked at that until I am tired, but
cannot remove it. lam satisfied it is
not dirt,” she continued, evidently judg
ing from the physician’s look that he
was about to tell her to take a oath.
“I understand,” said the doctor, with
with a smile; "the roller rink again.”
“What do you mean ?” she asked in a
troubled tone.
“Nothing but roller rink dust. That
is all. It is nothing serious. Try soap
and water again and use this solution
before retiring at night, and your com
plexion will be all right again.”
“Oh, I am so glad,” the lady re
marked, as she adjusted her veil and de
parted.
“That is the latest feature of the roller
skating craze,” remarked the physician
to a reporter who had overheard the
conversation with amusement. “That
is the second lady who has been to see
me with a similar complaint within a
week.”
“What is the cause of it?”
“Why, you see, the dust that rises
from the floor of the rink is very fine and
penetrating, and when it Bettles on tho
skin, dampened with perspiration, it at
once finds its way into tho pores.”
Saved From a Life Sentence.
The last proceedings have finally been
held in the famous Mack murder case,
which took place July 11, 1878,
in Jonesville, Wis. Mrs. Mack,
charged with murdering her hus
band, was tried, convicted, and sen
tenced to the State prison for life, but
the Supreme Court granted her a new
trial, and on the second trial the jury
disagreed. Since then she married the
principal witness against her, which
renders his testimony worthless against
her. She made an application to have
her bondsman relieved by giving her
own bond in the sum of 38,000, which
was granted. She having married the
State’s most important witness and the
other witnesses being widely scattered,
it is not likely [that the case will ever be
called.
African Explorations.
Serpo Pinto, the celebrated African
traveler who started for Central Africa
last year from Mozambique, came near
starving to death not long after he began
his march. He and his comrade, Lieut.
Cardoso, were stricken with fever in a
district where famine prevailed. They
could buy little food, and, being too ill
to be removed, their party were soon
reduced to sore traits. The Governor of
Mozambique heard of their distress, and
sent a relief party, who remained with
them until the explorers were able to
push on to ample food supplies beyond
the famine district Pinto is leading
into inner Africa
f. r i ; "ped parties Ug*
GENTEEL, BUT A TRAMP.
A RESPECTABLE VAGRANT AND IMS
MEANS OF SUPPORT.
Mad Experience of Two Yunna Men who
arc Willing |te Work but are Unable to
Find Any.
“Yes, we are tramps. We are as
thoroughly out in the world as the most
tattered, impecunious vagabond that
l>egs for a few pennies on the street or
for a piece of bread at the back door.’’
The speaker was a young man, not
shabbily dressed save for the frayed
binding on his coat. His face overgrown
with a week’s old beard, was frank and
kindly. His companion was also young,
and his appearance, too, was respecta
ble.
“You don’t look like tramps,” said the
reporter.
“That is very true, and yet, if you
were only to count as tramps those shift
less vagabonds, down at the heel and out
at the elbows, who jostle each other at
the soup houses and steal for the sake of
going to jail, you would have little more
tiian half the tramps in Philadelphia
to-day.”
“ What has been your experience ?”
“I’ll tell you, but you must not pub
lish our names. You can take them so
that if any one, after reading the story,
has a desire to give us work, you can
let us know. We are both down in the
world, sir, but our self-respect has not
left us yet. I pray God it never may.
Well, as to how we got down in the
world. lam a traveling salesman. At
the end of 1884 depression in trade
throw me out of a position I had held for
two years. I soon became poor, and
then followed the usual experiences
with pawnbrokers. I could get no work,
and finally my money was all gone and
I knew not where to turn to get a meal.
My companion last year was an advance
agent for a circus. Before that ho was
an engineer. He has a wife and two
children in a little back ro >m on Vine
street. We met as companions in dis
tress, and he took mo to his room.
The scene I witnessed there turned my
trials to trifles and dispersed my sorrow
for very shame. His wife was sick and
his children stood shivering beside the
empty stove. There had been nothing
to eat in tho room for two days,”
The speaker paused a moment and
gave a great gulp, as though to choke
down a lump in his throat. His eyes
had a glistening suspicion of tears in
them.
“Well,” he went on, “that was a
month ago, and it was the beginning of
our friendship. Since then we have
been tramps, and we have worked to
gether. How we managed to get along
is almost a mystery to me, now that the
first month is passed.”
"Give me some idea of your opera
tions.”
“Our meals are secured chiefly at free
lunch counters. Often enough we can
slip in and get a drink with a crowd
and then help ourselves or sit down and
eat, no one noticing that we had not
invested at the bar. Sometimes I would
go up to the counter, and when no one
was looking, pass back to my companion
enough food to make a meal for his fam
ily. He has a place to sleep, but I
have none and at night I have to shift
tor myself.
"And how do you make out ?”
'Sometimes I sleep at the station
houses, but the officers will not allow
one to keep that up for mavy nights.
Four nights I slept in empty freight cars
out near Brewerytown. When I fail
to find a place to lay my head I stay
around the Broad Street Station until
they turn me out. Yes, I am one ol
the tramps the station master talks about
as constantly coming around there,
and being as constantly asked to go
ont. Well, after lam invited out of
the station it is usually midnight. I
to keep awake and put in the timr
until morning. It is a weary time of it.
Sometimes I walk out to Frankford and
sometimes to Germantown. Very often 1
am stopped by penniless wanderers like
myself, who want a few pennies for a
night’s lodging. That is what I call the
very irony of poverty.
“I could tell you a good many things
to make you smile. Do you remember
the incident Mark Twain relates in
‘Boughing It’ of the fellow who found
a dime and threw it down so he could
have the pleasure of finding it again ?
Well, I had a similar experience. I
found a silver quarter at Broad and
Spring Garden streets. I had not eaten
anything for nearly thirty-six hours. 1
picked it up and could not realize my
good fortune. I tossed it down on the
pavement to see if it would ring, and
then walked away, and coming back,
picked it up again. The pleasure of
going through the process of finding
tho coin the second time was equal to
the first— Philadelphia Press.
The Color Line in Massachusetts.
Judge Parmenter, of Boston, Mass,
gave a decision in the case of Bichard
S. Brown, a well-known colored man,
against Joseph Hawes, Treasurer of tho
Winslow Skating Bink, fining Hawes
sixteen dollars and costs. Brown visited
the rink with two children, but was not
allowed to purchase admission tickets,
demanding the reason for this dis
mkrion Brown was forcibly ejee'ed
ARCTIC DOG SLEDGING.
Not such Amusing Work ns it la Supposed t«
Be.
Speaking of Melville’s book on the
Lena Delta, the Literary World says:
Sledging is never an easy matter in Sibe
ria. The dogs are quarrelsome, and
very difficult to manage, as the follow
ing description of a journey with a team
of eleven dogs will show: "Away we
went with the dogs in full cry, all yelp
ing, snapping, biting, and seizing each
other from behind, those in front turn
ing round to fight back, until some one
were drawn off their feet and dragged
along at a fearful rate; Vasilli, yelling at
the top of his voice, coaxed, scolded, and
anathematised by turn, until at length,
■ by dint of twisting and rolling over, the
; team became entangled into one living
mass of vicious flesh. To pacify and
disentangle the crazy canines, Vasilli
leaped upon them with his iron-pointed
guiding staff, and the only astonishing
thing to me was how the poor brutes
could live under such a heavy beating.
It is true some of them, after receiving
a severe blow on the small of the back,
did drag their hind legs for a few min
utes; but iu the end it did not seem to
check their desire to bite and fight. Yet
they were considerably more tractable
after this, their first beating, and ran
along at a more even pace, following the
leaders, who in turn were guided and
governed by Vasilli's word of command:
‘Tuck 1 Tuck ! Taduck, taduck Stoi,
stoil’ (right, right; left, left; stop 1
stop); and a general chuckle of encour
agement.”
The dogs, moreover, are so ferocious
that if they meet a team' of reindeer
they will at once attack and kill them.
On one occasion Mr. Melville was pro
ceeding by deersledge when he en
countered a team of dogs. His driver
at once drew off the road into a wood,
stationing Mr. Melville with a huge
stick to prevent the dogs from following.
They came on in hot pursuit, despite
the efforts of their driver, when a stout
blow from tho stick caused the leading
dog to turn round and attack his neigh
bor, and in an instant the whole team
was embroiled in a “free and easy,”
while the deer team made their escape.
A French Penal Colony.
A recent visitor to New Caledonia
gives a shocking Account of the state of
society in tkat island. It appears that
the number [of criminals living there
amounts to about 10,500. The mortali
ty is very great and there are numerous
escapes. During the last ten years nc
fewer than 247 convicts who have
managed to smuggle themselves on
board ship have been discovered in the
Australian colonies. The grievances of
of the colonists are, therefore, by no
means imaginary. In the first instance,
no attempt is made to classify the pris
oners, and the result is often disastrous
to those who are only partially depraved.
The convicts are ultimately divided into
five classes, ranging from men who are
kept at severe labor, without any relaxa
tion or indulgences, to men who, owing
to their good conduct, enjoy compara
tive freedom, and are restored to family
life. Many of the convicts, however
employ their conditional liberty in prey
ing upon the free «settlers and the
natives, and the state of things in the
colony has in consequence become in
tolerable. Such being the condition of
New Caledonia, it is not surprising that
there should be a strong feeling in Am
tralia against the proposal to establish a
French penal settlement in the New
Hebrides.
SHAMING A THIEF,
The Philadelphia Times tells how a
soman's righteous anger put a thief to
night:
“One night lately at the Home of the
Merciful Saviour for Crippled Children,
between the hours of one and two
o'clock, Sister Sarah was aroused by
hearing a chair fall over below stairs.
Hastily putting on her wrapper, lamp in
hand, she descended to the parlor. Her
first glance revealed an open window at
the back part of the room. A small
part of this parlor is curtained off. The
curtain was parted, and Sister Sarah
thought it moved. Approaching it, she
found herself face to face with a white
man, tall and stout. Fixing her eyes
upon him she said: ‘The Chinese have a
saying that to some men hearts have
been given, and to some gizzards. You
must be one who has a gizzard instead
if a heart.’ And with a look of scorn
ibe continued: ‘You have come to a
house as a thief where there are only
crippled children and a few women to
take care of them.’ The man drew his
hat down over his eyes and leaped out
of the window.”
E<j.-sitbb W. Raymond, an expert,
thinks that iu a number of cases in
which death results from asphyxiation
by illuminating gas, and which are al
most uniformly ascribed to ignorance in
“blowing out” the flame, the light
“goes out” itself, and thus does mis
chief. He says: "I am of the opinion
that in the majority of these cases the
fault lies in having the ggs_turned down
retiring tor
■ i:-»‘f X
I ; Wfll
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STRAY BITS OF HUMOR
FOUND IN THE COLUMNS OF OUR
EXCHANGES.
The Fireman Resinned—On the Roller
Skates—Fut on Record—He was ludic
naat—Found his Boss* Etc*
A FIREMAN WHO RESIGNED.
“What caused you to leave the fire
department, Jim?”
“Oh, I got sick of it.”
“What was the trouble?”
“Well, I’ll tell you. I worked four
years to get on, and then I got right off
again. It wasn’t what I thought it was.
I’d watched the boys working lots of
times, and I’d been around visiting them
at their houses. I kinder thought I’d
like it. When I got my appointment I
felt that I was fixed for life. The sec
ond night after that an alarm came in
for us about eleven o’clock, and out we
went. When we got to the fire, which
was in the cellar, the captain made me
go down and hold a lantern. The ther
mometer was about twenty-five below
zero, and just as I started to go up the
back stairs a stream hit me in the mouth
and knocked me down so quick that I
couldn’t tell what struck me. I lay
there senseless with the hose playing on
me for a little while—long enough for
me to freeze fast, any way, and when I
tried to get up I couldn’t. I was all
covered with icicles, and the whiskers
of me were frozen so stiff that I couldn’t
get my mouth open to yell. I began to
think I was done for, when one of the
boys stumbled over me, and getting a
lantern, found out who I was. They
had to chop me out with axes, and when
I walked off I looked like a snow man,
That sickened me of the fire department,
and I resigned the next day.”— Chicago
Herald.
FARES OF THE FAIR.
When two lady friends enter a street
car together they generally go through
with a funny little formula for the sav
ing of each other’s credit for generosity
and for appearances generally. "Now
mind, I’ve got the change,” says one as
they hail the car. "Have you? Well,
so have I. I can pay the fare,"
answers the other. By this time the
ladies are seated, and both begin to
fumble leisurely in their satchels for
that change. "Now, I’ll pay,” exclaims
one, and she fishes out a dollar bill and
looks helplessly around for some man to
pass it up. “I want change, anyhow.”
The money is passed up to the box, and
in the meantime the other lady quietly
deposits two nickels in the box. “Oh,
you mean thing!’’ cries the street-car
guest. “Never mind, I’ll pay coming
home,” and then they fall to talking of
some absent one. — New Orleans Pic
ayune.
ON THE SKATES.
I want to be a skater,
And with tho skaters glide,
A pair of rollers on my feet,
A sweet girl by my side.
He tried to be a skater,
And bravely he struck out.
*****
The doctor says: “In three months
Again he’ll be about.”
—Norristown Herald.
FOUND HIS BOSS*
A plumber and his wife were on their
way to church.
“Why did you bow so low to tha
gentleman we just passsed ?” she in
quired.
“He owns a roller-skating rink,” tht
rich man said. — lngleside.
ANOTHER ONE PUT ON P.ECSBD.
When I was at Washington I said to
the engineer of the little building at the
foot of the Monument:
“You have a mighty tall chimney for
snch a small factory.”
Ho silently chalked a mark on the
board wall behind him.
“What’s that for ?" I inquired.
“You are the 176th person who made
that remark,” was his answer.— Detroit
Free Press.
QUALITIES OF SOUND.
Mrs. Minks —The nurse seems to have
trouble with the baby to-night. He is
crying yet.
Mr. Minks—Yes, bless his little heart-
I wonder what ails him ?
Mrs. Minks—Oh ! nothing serious.
How sweetly shrill his voice is! So clear
and musical.
Mr. Minks—Yes I—but hark ! Those
sounds do not come from our nursery.
They come through the walls of the next
house.
Mrs. Minks—Mercy! So they do.
Why can’t people have sense enough to
give their squalling brats paregoric or
something, instead of letting them yell
like screech owls.— Philadelphia Call.
brimstone fob oongregationalists.
A good story is told of three clergymen,
two Congregationalists and one Uuiver
salist, who reside not over a thousand
miles from New Bedford. Two of them
were talking when the third joined
them, and, putting a cigar in his mouth,
said to his brother Congregationalist,
“Mr. , give me a match.”
There was some hesitation about
granting the request, so number three
turned to his Uaiversalist friend with
his request which was granted.
“Well, here is a Universalist with
brimstone about him,” said the smoker.
“ Yes, sir, we keep it for our friends,”
said the deliberate Uaiversalist”— New
Bedford Standard.
Thb world is of such power, even in
Its right things there are so many of
them that touch the imagination, tho
feelings, the sentiments of men on so
many sides, that it is only now and then
there is a man of sufficient stamina and
independence to stand up and maintain
an active, sturdy piety while standing
alone in the world. —Beecher.
It is said that owing to the wai
among druggists and patent medicine
men, tho people get pills at
their own value, pills and
toffls; and