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THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
WORMS OF WISDOM FROM PAHA.
DISK HALL.
Envy Steals Into the Quiet Meeting Room,
and Three Prominent Members Lose
(heir Position*!.
The excitement which has prevailed
among certain of the older members of
the club came to a climax Saturday
evening. What occasioned the excite
ment was kept a profound secret among
a dozen, but it may be stated here that
the rumpus was kicked up by Prof.
Sunflower Smythe, a local member with
a harelip and toes turning in.
For some weeks past the professor has
hankered for an official position, and
failing to secure recognition of his mer
its, he organized a conspiracy to de
throne Brother Gardner. By circulat
ing many false statements, and by forg
ing the names of several individuals to
false documents, he enlisted the sympa
thies of Elder Antimony Swift, Deacon
Cohort Davis and Judge Cut-Off Kern
perberry. He approached Huckleberry
Tompkins with the plan, and even went
so far as to offer him a new flfty-cent
door-mat to join the conspiracy, but
Brother Tompkins was true blue, and
gave the whole affair away.
When the meeting was called to order
die three conspirators were in their
seats, entirely unsuspicious of the sand
club which was hanging over their
heads, while the president, Sir Isaac
Walpole, Waydown Bebee, and others
in the ring, carried very serious counte
nances. The plot of the conspirators
was not yet fully ripe. Prof. Smythe
was just settling himself down to sound
Elder Toots in the matter, when
Brother Gardner rose up and said:
“Envy am de parent of half de wick
edness in dis world. One of de fust
principles of human natur’ am to be
grudge some odder pussou’s good luck,
but de miuit common sense am called in
fur consultation dis envy disappears—
except in isloated cases. ~
“ We envy de rich, while it am p’raps
our own fault entirely dat we am not
classed among ’em.
“We envy talent, an' yet we am
fo’ced to acknowledge to ourselves dat
we frew away our opportunties.
“ Find me a man who am down on his
fellowman on gineral principles an’ I'll
show ye a chap who orter be in State
Prison by de same rule.
“DeLawdput us heah fur each to
make his own way. De field am world
wide, wid plenty of room fur all. If one,
by his applicashun, perseverance, in
tegrity an’ determination, towers above
de one who waits fur luck an’ feeds his
soul on envy, any conspiracy to pull him
down should be pot down on by all
good men. Brudders Smythe, Swift
an’ Davis, I should like to see de three
of you at de foot of the grand staircase.
Dar' am a leetle matter dat I wish to
discuss in private.
The trio of conspirators were evidently
greatly surprised at the request, but
suspected nothing and followed the
President down stairs. As no one else
was permittted to follow, it may never
be known what happened on the laud
ing. What the meeting heard may,
however, throw some general light upon
the subject.
1. Yells of terror.
2. Bounds of heels striking the walls.
8. Sounds of cloth being ripped and
torn, and boot heels striking the fence
on the other side of the alley.
4. Bump—kerchunk—thud—deep si
lence.
5. The echoes of the toe of a No. 13
boot striking against coat tails.
Soon after these last-mentioned sounds
had died away Brother Gardner entered
the room with a sweet smile on his face,
and walked straight to his seat without a
word. There was blood on his left ear,
the polish was worn ofl his right boot,
and one end of his collar was unbut
toned, but this might have happened to
any man who had fallen down stairs.
“Missel President, shall I cross de
three names off de book?’’ asked the
Secretary.
“De Cha'r reckons you may,” was the
answer, "an’ we will now take up de
reg’iar bill o’ fare.”
A Tramp Defends Ladies.
Information is given of a sensational
occurrence near Wadesboro, N. 0., on
Tuesday evening. An Irish tramp called
at a house occupied by two ladies and
asked for lodging. They at first refused
his request, but finally agreed to lock
him in a closet, where he was to remain
all night. About 12 o’clock the ladies
were waked by a negro who had come
into the room. He threatened to kill
them if they made an outcry and de
manded money, which one of the ladies
said she would get. She then went to
the closet and unlocked the door, when
the tramp, who had heard the whole
conversation, sprang out, pistol in hand.
The negro started to run, but the tramp
fired, killing him instantly. Shortly
after it was discovered that the supposed
negro was a white man, who had black
ened himself and invaded the house.
He was recognized as a near neighbor of
the ladies.
as ■ —«
Ihe Giant Chang’s Fiancee.
“Yes, I am to be married,” said
Chang, “but I am at a loss to know how
the report go* .t, as I tried to keep it
secret. Lue lady’s name ? Oh, 1
couldn’t tell you that, but will say she
resides in Kansas City, Mo., and is
worth over §200,000. She is very large,
being six feet six inches in height Nmd
weighs two hundred and fifty pounds.
Her father didn’t relish the prospect of
a Chinese son-in-law, but has finally
consented on condition that I don’t take
his daughter to China. So I have prom
ised to remain in America and start a
tea store, probably in Philadelphia. You
know I and my brothers own a tea plan
tation in China. When Ido become an
American resident I think they ought
to Ist me vote. You see I am so .arge
thev couldn’t bulldoze me. ”
@lje
VOL. XII. SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA. WEDNESDAY EVENING. MAY 6,1885. NO. 16.
Zk oONG IN THE NIGHT.
The dry leaves dropped upon the way,
With constant sound, like falling rain;
I would give much this weary day
To hear that sound again
Behind, with sharp and even rim,
Black hills of cloud possessed the sky;
A star was glimmering far and dim
Through a faint light on liigh.
The woods were dark, and all abroad
The fluids were dark, the pathways dim;
Aly soul yearned for the living God
Thro’ the thick cloud which foldeth Him.
When all at once, up soared the moon,
With sudden flood of lender light—
A gracious flood; and lo ! right soon
Woods, fields, and ways were bright.
The solemn trees stretched out their boughs
And caught the light. With quiet mind,
“Surely,” I said, “this is God’s house;
And where men seek they find.”
Tears filled mine eyes, but they were sweet;
And, standing on the shining road,
I knew what Spirits led my feet
By darksome ways to God.
Good ITorcte.
An Old Maid.
BY LAURA COLLINS.
A lowering morning which made one
wish for the sunny South or for Italy,
or auy place which would make one feel
happier than could this dismal morning
in Wisconsin. And then to think that
this train could not make connection with
the eastward bound train ! It is hard
enough to stop at such a miserable little
junction at any time, but to spend three
hours here this dark morning must
prove the very refinement of torture.
There are a dozen passengers who must
wait and who prepare to make the best
of their stay here. One couple, ev
idently just married, find the clouds of
a very rosy color, and they walk out of
the smoky old depot to make a tour of
the town, talking eagerly the while.
Two young fellows wander uneasy about,
reading all the old tattered posters,
glowing inducements to go West, and
ancient time-tables, which invariably
decorate the stained walls of a country
depot. These young fellows finally
utter exclamations of impatience at the
dreary monotony, and go across the
street to the hotel, hoping to find some
thing there more congenial to them.
Two ladies at once take their departure
for the hotel, and other people stroll
out about the depot, and there are left
two persons, a man and woman, who,
after a little time, settle themselves to
reading to pass away the weary mo
ments. He reads his paper, she her
book, and, occasionally, woman-like,
she casts a look at her silent companion,
wondering what loved ones are awaiting
bis arrival and whether he is impatient
to greet them, or if he feels a man’s
stoicism in regard to it; wondering, too,
how it is that each woman thinks the
masculine lives connected with hers so
full of manly graces and beauty, and
who could find manly beauty in those
rugged features? Then she turned her
gentle eyes toward the window and
looked out at the dreary landscape,
looked with eyes which saw not outward
objects, but were introspective solely.
An old maid, commonly supposed to be
the type of discontent and unrest; but
here, evidently, the type failed, for this
face expressed the utmost of content.
Life had been filled with much of sor
row for her, all her bright plans bad
failed of fruition; one after another she
bad bidden good-by to them and had
turned bravely again to face the coming
of a new future, a future to be peopled
again by her bright fancies—the old
fancies all dead and gone from her ex
cept as they lingered in memory. An
old maid she is, so far as years go, but
no home is happier than her little ideal
home. She has filled its rooms with
bright little faces eagerly calling to
mother and the dream-father is strong,
earnest, helpful and loving. Her dream
home is happier far than many a fine
lady’s real home; although she has not
pictured any grandeur about it. Oh,
no, she dreams that the carpets are
faded from much sunlight and worn
from the tread of many little feet, that
there is much planning to “make both
ends meet,” but she has imagined unsel
fish living in this ideal home, and loving
unselfishness can make all trials in re
gard to ways and means seem very slight
indeed. Her companion in this depot
is an elderly person, a stout, large man,
with keen eyes and a mouth at complete
odds with the eyes, not belonging to
them apparently. Often eyes do not
harmonize in coloring with the rest of
the face, but generally expressions are
strongly akin. This man had a sen
sitive mouth, one with a mournful droop
to it. Those who looked at him caught
themselves wondering which would con
quer—keen, hard eyes, or sensitive
mouth. He read for some time, then
gave a quick look at the thoughtful face
near him, and said, abruptly: “Not a
very pleasant arrangement, this.
A quick flush passed over the gentle
iaee before him—a flush which his keen
eyes noted instantly and understood —a
flush which told of the girlishness yet
left to this lonely woman
“Not that it matters much to me
where I am,” he continued. “Life can’t
?ive me anything harder than I’ve had.’
“That is a sad thing to say,” she said,
in her timid way.
“A true thing, though,” he respond
ed, and the corners of his sensitive mouth
drooped a little more. •! feel as if I
had nothing left to live for. My wife
died a year ago and—” here the voice
broke. Distress ever calls some souls
out from their reserve, and hers was
such a one, and she said, quickly:
“Ah, but yon have all those vanishei
days and months and years to remem
ber. all the loveliness of her life to think
of now."
“How did you know her life was
lovely ?” he queried a little sharply.
She hesitated a moment and then
said, simply:
“It must have been, or you would no<
miss her from your living so much,” a
tribute to the manly worth in the face
she saw before her, which was keenly
relished by the owner of the face. Ho
sighed, and then looked for a time out
of the smoky window, then said: “After
all, life is a strange muddle,” and, re
ceiving a look of understanding in re
sponse to this sentiment, he went on.
“We don’t know what is right to do
and yet we’re punished by fixed laws it
we don’t do the right. That doesn’’
seem just to me.”
“Oh, but it will come out straight in
the next life,” she cried, eagerly.
“I don’t know whether it will or not,”
he responded. “I haven’t seen the next
life yet, and I don’t know what it is
like—don’t even know if there will be a
next life. I only know that we aie
hedged in and around in this life.”
“But surely the next life will take
away all the rough places of this,” she
said ; “it will make ns understand all
that seems so strange about this, and—
there must be a future life ; God surely
would not put ns into this life and let s<
much go out of it incomplete. That
seems to me the strongest reason for a
future, that so many die with their life
work only just begun.”
“Is that a reason or a hope with
you ?” he asked.
She hesitated and did not answer, aud
just then one of the restless young men
»ho had been a fellow-passenger of
theirs came in and glanced casually at
the two.
That glance made her self-conscious,
and a blush dyed the delicate face, aud
she turned, in a decided way, the pages
if her book, as if she were determined
not to let the stranger get possession of
her wandering thoughts again. The
young man passed out of the station,
and the elderly one rose and walked
restlessly about the room, knitting the
shaggy brows occasionally at some
troubled thought. The three hours
passed, and 1 o’clock came, and a train
came. "Can I assist yon?” ho asked
geutlv. reachino' out a hard, brown hand
for some of the numerous bundles she
was carrying. She handed some to him
and followed his sturdy footsteps to the
train. They wondered a little why their
fellow-passengers of the morning were
not in greater haste, but forgot them
presently in the bustle of departure.
He secured a pleasant seat for her and
then one for himself at some dis
tance from her. A few minutes of wait
ing, of idle watching of the dark laud
scape, so soon to be among remembered
things, and the train moved slowly out
of the town, and as it moved away
another train steamed in. She looked
curiously at the second train, but re
membered that this was a junction and
did not obey her first nervous impulse,
which was to go to her whilom protector
and ask ■ him if he were sure they were
on the right train. She forgot the train
soon, and watched the stern, set face,
aud felt sorry for him, and wished he
might feel as sure of the future as did
she. Soon the conductor came, and she
watched him as he made his way toward
her. When he reached her protector,
as she already called him in her inner
consciousness, that individual gave a
quick start at some words uttered by
the conductor, after examination of his
ticket. A troubled look settled upon
the resolute face, and he conversed ear
nestly with the conductor a few mo
ments, then glanced at her and rose and
came to her.
“I told yon,” said he, “that we don’t
know what is right and then we get
punished by unalterable laws, and here
is a speedy illustration of the fact, only
that I feel now that I might have known
the right, if I had taken pains to in
quire. We are on the wrong train.”
She looked deeply troubled, but said,
after a moment:
“How can we get back?”
“It is of no use to go back to that
junction. We might as well go on to
Ctiicago now and go from there; it will
really take not much longer, and as you
trusted to my leading in the first place,
I will, if you will let me, see yon safe
out of this trouble.”
"I am used to taking care of myself,”
she said, but her lips trembled a little.
“Where are you going ?” he asked,
and upon receiving his leply added: “I
am going beyond there, so it will be no
trouble to me to see you safe. I will
telegraph your dilemma to your friends
at the next station; we shall reach Chi
cago in two hours and the conductor
tells me we can immediately take anoth
er train back, so that really the worst of
it will be the extra four or five hours in
the train."
He remained sitting with her and chat
ted lightly for a time, till her mind was
somewhat diverted from the unpleasant
ness of her situation. Gradually they
wandered to deeper waters and talked
again, as they had earlier in the day, of
the problems of life, and into these que
ries and answers of theirs crept ever and
anon a bit of the personal history of
each. He learned what a desolate life
hers had seemed to be; ho learned, too,
what a sweet, cheery courage must un
derlie her whole being, that the deso
lateness should have been so ignored,
and he grew ashamed of his own repin
ing over a lot which had much of bright
ness in it.
When the train drew into the great
depot in Chicago he felt that he had
learned to know a pure soul, and she felt
a deep pity for the lonely life opened to
her view. And as they took the other
train, which was to fcke them rapidly to
their destination, each felt a regret that
a few hours more would part them.
He sat silent for a Jong time after this,
wondering if he do the thing he
wished. He was loiiply, set adrift in the
great world by the death of his wife, and
he wanted a true, .’worn lily heart to
sympathize with liis, Cotkd he do bet
ter than ask this lonely woman, who
had no kith or kin i| the world, to share
his lot with him ? Could she do better
than take him, she* who evidently had
>ummer-land in her heart and could
make a bit of brightness wherever she
was? Each surely needed the other.
He asked her if she know any one in his
town aud finding she did know a person
residing a few miles from him, he took
his resolution quickly.
“I have a good farm out there,” he
said; “one hundred and sixty acres under
fine improvement, home and out-build
ings all in fine shape. Yon can find out
all about me from Mr. —.” A moment
he hesitated as ho saw that she did not
realize what he meant; then he continued
earnestly, looking down into the clear
eyes lifted so fearlessly to his: “I feel
as if I w’ere looking into the eyes of my
wife. Am I mistaken ?’’ The last
words were breathed rather than ut
tered, and then she understood, and the
flame color mounted over the delicate
features once more, and she said quietly;
“Do I look so much like your wife ?”
He was baffled, and for a moment
knew not what to say, then rallied and
said:
“She has gone on into the future. I
don't know what or where that life may
be, and I am lost and lonely without
her. I want that which has gone out of
my life, and I believe you can supply
that want. You are alone in the world,
and I can make your life pleasanter, I
am sure. ”
It was a temptation, such as only
homeless ones can understand; but,
after a moment, she shook her head,
and then, reading the questioning look
in those keen eyes, she said, while the
color deepened in her face:
“I loved once, and have loved ever
since, and it would not be right for me
to marry any one, feeling as I do.”
The door opened, and the brakeman
called out the name of the place where
she was to stop, and the next moments
were spent in gathering together her
belongings. He helped her off the
train, and grasped her hand heartily as
he stood one instant there:
“I shall always remember you and
your happy ways of looking at life, and
your faith will help me;” and then he
swung on to the slowly-moving train,
and she walked away into the gloaming,
a tear or two falling as she thought of
the lonely days to come.—Z%e Current.
Davy Cnickett’s Gun
The Little Rock (Ark.) Gazette says :
The reporter had the pleasure of
handling Col. Davy Crockett's old gun
recently, it was in the State Treasur
er’s office, where it had been left by
“Col. Bob,” Davy’s grandson, now in
the Arkansas Senate. The gun is a long
barreled, silver mounted affair, and
along the top of the barrel, in gold let
ters, reads the inscription : “Presented
by the young men of Philadelphia to
Hon. David Crockett, of Tennessee.”
Near the muzzle, just back of the bead,
was the Colonel’s motto: “Go Ahead.”
Many of the letters were so worn as to
be almost indistinguishable, and some
of them were gone completely. The gun
has come down from sire to son in the
Crockett |fami!y ever since it was pre
sented in 1834. To the reporter ‘'Col.
Bob,” who now owns the gun, said :
"There is not a gun in Arkansas to-day
which will shoot truer. 1 killed hun
dreds of deers with it, and think more
of it than I can tell. My grandfather
left it at home when he went to Texas,
taking with him his old flint-lock. It is
a rare old gun and a great curiosity. I
have been requested to send it to the
Exposition at New Orleans, and shall do
so in a short time.”
—
Capt. Nathaniel Palmer, of Ston
ington, the original discover of Palmer’s
Land, furthest south of all known land,
tells the following story of the way he
saved the discovery. He was getting
ready to leave it when a Russian frigate
hove m sight. Capt. Palmer was am
bitious to claim the land for the United
States. How to contend with the ship
of the Czar he did not know at first. He
waited till the frigate ran to the lee
ward of him aud hove to, and then he
put up his sheet and squared away for
her, running under her stern, and call
ing out as he shot past: “Ahoy, there 1
ship ahoy I do you want a pilot in ?”
The ruse succeeded, for the Russian
frigate at once filled away, and left the
dominion free to the Stars and Stripes.
Forwarding Garden Vegetables.
When the gardener gives a plant a
special advantage the result of which is
to cause it to produce or mature earlier
than it otherwise would, he is said to
“forward” it. Tomatoes will bear long
before frost, if the seeds are sown in the
open ground. By sowing seeds in a hot
bed and raising the plants the tomato is
forwarded. If the seeds were sown last
fall, and the plants kept in a hot-house
to produce fruit in the early spring, that
would be “forcing.” Cucumbers are
forced under glass, but they may also
be forwarded. For illustration: to for
ward the cucumber, fill some four-inch
pots with fine, rich soil, sow half a dozen
cucumber seeds in each and set the pots
in a hot-bed, or stand them in a box
which can be set on the sill of the kitch
en window. Another method of starting
the seeds, if a good piece os turf can be
had, is this: Take up a thick, strong sod
and fit it to a shallow box with the
grassy side down. The sides of the box
need not be over three inches high.
With a strong knife, cut the sod into
squares, which should be according to
the size of the box, three or four inches
square. Cut quite down through the
grass roots and tops to the bottom of
the box, to make sure that the pieces
can be separated readily. Sow several
seeds in the earth of each piece
of sod, which is of course bottom or
earth-side up. Set this box of sods in
the window or in a hot-bed, as directed
for the pots. Either pots or sods must
be watered as needed. When the seeds
are up and the plants begin to show
their rough leaves, remove all but twoor
three in each pot, or piece of sod. Do
not pull ont the extra plants, as it will
disturb the roots of those which are to
lie left, but cut them off with a knife, or
pinch them off with the thumb and fin
ger nails, close to the ground.
When the weather is settled, prepare
well manured hills in the garden. Set
the pots in a pail or tub of blood-warm
water and let them soak until the earth
in them is wet through. Take them
out and let them drain for an hour or
two, when the ball of earth, with the
cucumber roots, may be removed from
the pot with a slight knock, and set in
the hill, pressing the soil well around it.
If the cucumber plants are on pieces of
sods, about a week before planting out
these, run a knife along the cuts made
at the beginning, before the seeds were
sown. Some of the grass roots may
have grown across from one piece to an
other; this will sever them, also any cu
cumber roots that have grown ont of
bounds. In planting these, set the soil
containing the plants in the hill, letting
it be an inch or so below the surface,
and press the soil to it firmly. There
should be prepared, beforehand, some
frames or bottomless boxes over each
hill of plants, and leave it there a few
days. After this, on warm and pleasant
mornings, remove the frame, setting it
on that side of the plants from which
the wind blows, to protect them. In the
afternoon, before it grows cold, cover
the frames over the plants for the night.
On chilly days leave the frame over tho
plants, lifting it on one side at the bolr
tom, and placing a stone to hold it up.
By the time the plants become too
large for the boxes, the weather will be
warm enough to expose them night md
day. Treated in this manner the p anti
will bear several weeks before those fron
seed sown in the open ground. They
have been “forwarded” by sowing the
seeds under glass, or in the house; pre
serving them from any cheek, by cover
ing them after they were planted out,
has also forwarded them. Attention to
watering and an occasional treat of liquid
manure will forward them still more.
Many other plants may be forwarded in
a similar manner. But closely follow
the directions given.— Agrieulturiat,
—
What a Sponge Is.
“It is only the skeleton of a sponge
that is commonly used in removing
dirt,” Prof. Bickmore says. “ A sub
stance that in the animal sponge is an
alagous to the finger nails of the human
hand. The sponges are found in vari
ous portions of the world, gathered in
masses below the surface of the water.
The youthful sponge first makes its ap
pearance on the outer border of the adult
in the form of a cell, which gradually
increases in size and complexity until it
bursts through the maternal tissue and
floats at freedom through the ocean. It
is very minute, and for a time has an
independent life. It is sowing its wild
oats, so to speak, but as it increases in
size it attatches itself to its more ma
ture brothers and sisters and develops
with them into adult form. Sponges
are gathered by means of grappling
hooks. They are floated to inclosed
portions of the sea, where they are left
until the exposure of the sun and the
wash o£ the sea leaves nothing but the
skeleton. ”
He Wants It.—An Arizona paper re
marks: “Our craven contemjiorary pre
tends that it doesn’t want any office.
That is too thin, as everybody knows
how it tried to get the post office and
failed. We don’t often boast, but we
believe that we could run the post office
in the way it should be run, and what is
' more, we believe we shall get it. Any -
■ how, we are not afraid to say that we
j want it, and will do everything we can
;to get it. Our contemporary is a
1 pretty small potato. Whoopee 1”
Farragut’s Flagship on Fire.
From an account by Commander Al
bert Kautz, in the Century War Papers
for April, we quote the following: “No
sooner had Farragut given the order
‘Hard-a-port,’ than the current gave the
ship a broad sheer, and her bows went
hard up on a mud bank. As the fire
raft came against the port side of the
ship, it became enveloped in flames.
We were so near to the shore that from
the bowsprit we could reach the tops of
the bushes, and such a short distance
from Fort St. Philip that we could dis
tinctly hear the gunners in the case
mates giving their orders; and as they
saw Farragut’s fl ig at the mizzen, by
the bright light, they fired with fright
ful rapidity. Fortunately they did not
make sufficient allowance for our close
proximity, aud the iron hail passed over
our bulwarks, doing but little damage.
On the deck of the ship it was bright
as noonday, but out over the majestic
river, where the smoke of many guns
was intensified by that of the pine knots
of the fire-rafts, it was dark as the
blackest midnight. For a moment it
looked as though the flag-ship was in
deed doomed, but the firemen were
called away, and with the energy of
despair rushed aft to the quarter-deck.
The fl lines, like so many forked tongues
of hissing serpents, were piercing the
air in a frightful manner, that struck
terror to all hearts. As I crossed from
the starboard to the port side of the I
deck, I passed close to Farragut, who,
as he looked forward and took in the
situation, clasped his hands high in air,
and exclaimed, *My God, is it to end in
this way I’ Fortunately it was not to
end as it at that instant seemed, for just
then Master's Mate Allen, with the hose
in his hand, jumped into the mizzen
rigging, and the sheet of flame suc
cumbed to a sheet of water. It was but
the dry paint on the ship's side that
made the threatening flame, and it went
down before the fierce attack of the
firemen as rapidly as it had sprung up.
As the flames died away the engines
were backed ‘hard,’ and, as if providen
tially, the ram Manassas struck the ship
a blow under the counter, which shoved
her stern in against the bank, causing
her bow to slip off. The ship was again
free; aud a loud and spontaneous cheer
rent the air, as the crew rushed to their
guns with renewed energy."
Took Them All In.
There is a French barber at folnm
bus , Texas, named La Prelie, who is
rather an eccentric genius, and he was
on his way to the station to meet tho
train, when he was spied by five young
men. One of them named Smith, had
a six-shooter, and it was agreed that
they were all to lie quietly in wait, and
that when La Prelie approached, Smith
was to confront him with his revolver
and order “Hands up 1” The unsuspect
ing victim approached, and Smith, in
regular highway robber style, ordered
him io hold his bands up. But the
barber made a dash at Smith, and by a
violent wrench of his arm secured his
pistol. He corraled Smith and his four
companions and marched them at the
point of the revolver back to town and
telephoned from the nearest place to
the Sheriff’s office for him and his Depu
ties to come after them. The young
men entreated and pleaded most elo
quently and tried to ixplain that the
affair was only a joke, but La Prelie
would not believe it. The Sheriff con
fiscated the pistol of the prisoner but as
they were all young men of good families
he let them off on parole. They will
be tried however, in regular form, and
besides having to fee lawyers will have
to pay a fine for canying deadly weap
ons. .
He Had the True Kind.
Three or four sessions back there was
a member of the Michigan Legislature
who put in sixty or seventy days of the
session without having a word to say,
and it was only at rare intervals that
he was recorded as voting for or against
a bill. His constituents finally sent a
delegation to Lansing to poke him up
a bit, and after hearing what the gentle
man had to say the member replied:
“While I didn’t expect no such notion
as this, I am fortunately prepared for it.
Come over to my room.”
The delegation followed him to his
room, and the member took down a file
of the daily journal, and exhibited about
twenty marked paragraphs, every one
of them reading -
“And on motion of Mr. Bombee, of
Bombay, the House took a recess.”
"Yes,” said the Chairman of the dele
ga ioa, after looking them over, “but this
isn’t so much. There is no particular
display of statesmanship.”
“Statesmanship 1 Well, if knowing
enough to keep my mouth shut until
opening it would do some good isn’t the
tallest kind of statesmanship, not to say
anything about wisdom, I’m ready to
resign.”— Detroit Free Frees.
“I hear that sheep-shearing is done
by machinery in Australia,” said one
Wall street broker to another. “Yes,
so I understand. I wonder if there’s
any money in it ?” asked his friend,
i “Maybe there is, but I prefer the old
i fashioned way of fleecing lambs. Pull
ing the wool over their eyes and skinning
1 'em, you know. ”
STRAY BITS OF HUMOR
FOUND IN THE JOKERS’ BUDGETS
OF OUlt PAPERS.
Very Sweet Things—Between the Acts—Pro
paring lor the Visit—The Level-Header
Merchant* Etc.* Etc.
PREPARING FOR IT.
Mr. De Style—My dear, you know
this is Lent ?
Mrs. De Style—Of course.
“And it is not the thing to go to ths
theatre ?”
“Certainly not.”
“Nor the opera ?
“No."
“Nor any other expensive place ol
amusement ?”
"Exactly.”
“And no one can complain if the diet
of the family is of tho very simplest de
scription ?”
“Os course not; but I know all this,
and am sure we have not made a mis
take in any of these way i. What are
you driving at, any how ? ’
“I was thinking, my dear, it would
be a good time to invite Uncle Jake’s
fami'y to leave the farm and make us a
visi l . You know we must go there
agi.in this summer.”— Phila. Call.
he didn t marry fob beauty.
“I hear that Swarkins is married
again.”
“Yes, he’s hitched again for a fact.”
“Have you seen his wite?”
“Yes.”
“Is she good-looking ?”
“Oh, no; she’s a very plain body, but
as strong as an ox. You see, he didn’t
care so much for beauty. What he
wanted was a woman who could dig
potatoes and make them youngsters of
his walk the chalk.”
WHERE THEY HAVE THE BEST OF US.
Life must be very pleasant in the
Congo. Instead of a man having to
rush home at 1 p. m. to give his wife
four hours’ time to prepare for the opera
and then wait another half hour on the
front steps until the two hundred and
odd forgotten things are found and ar
ranged, the Congo husband strolls home
a few minutes before the performance
begins and simply says, “Sarah, adjust
your hairpin. We will go to the opera.”
—Pittaburgh Telegraph.
THE PBOPHBT.
“Go in there, El Mahdi,” said the
doctor, who lived opposite tho roller
skating rink, as he placed a two-dollar
bill in his wallet which he had just re
ceived from a skater for dressing his
scalp.
"El Mahdi 1” exclaimed the patient,
“why do you call the bill El Mahdi ?”
"Because it is the fall’s profit, you
know,’ replied tho doctor, as he smil
ingly showed the patient out.— Boelon
Courier.
BETWEEN THE ACTS
“Too bad I had to go out to see that
ticket-seller about seats for next week,”
he remarked to his new wife as he set
tled himself down after a trip down
stairs between acts. “The affair quite
slipped my mind as we came in. Were
you annoyed, my dear ?”
“Oh, no 1 I didn’t mindin the least,
thana you. I was quite busy working
out a mental problem.”
“And what was that, love?”
"Why they call the front curtain the
drop.”
"I see. Did you succeed ?”
“Yes, I think I got the correct an
swer.”
“And that was”
“Because so many men go out for
a drop when it is down, my dear.”—
Detroit Journal.
A LEVEL-HEADED MBBCHANT
The merchant now devises
A plan brisk trade to win
He wtraighi way advertises
And rakes the shiekels in
—Boston Courier.
WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR.
“And bo you like the yarns we sea
dogs spin?” asked the gallant young
mariner.
“1 dote on them,” the young lad)
passionately responded.
“And what shall I tell you of the
doings of our salts ?” he tenderly asked.
“Ob, tell me how you luff,” she inno
cently answered. —Pittaburgh Chronicle
off rr goes.
Stolid proprietor of German restau
rant to new waiter—Dot letter for you,
eh ? You was der Baron von Schinkel
berg ?
New waiter, meekly Yes, Mein
Herr.
Stolid proprietor— Den you wasn’t no
reckular waiter, eh? Veil, dake a dol
lar a veek off your vages.— Puck.
AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE.
A German went into a restaurant, and,
as he took his seat an Irish waiter came
up and bowed politely.
“Wie Geht’s,” said the German, also
oowing politely.
“Wheat cakes,” shouted the waiter,
mistaking the salutation for an order.
“Neiu, nein I” said the German.
“Nine?” said the waiter. “You’ll be
lucky if you get three.” — N. Y. Sun.
A SEA VOYAGE,
"Is there a remedy for seasickness,
doctor ?”
"Not altogether, but it can be greatly
relieved. Do you want it for yourseif ?
‘•Yes; lam a naval officer, and under
the new order of things I may have to
leave Washington.”
SWEET THINGS.
"Sweet things are very bad for you,
dear," said a fond mother to her 6-year
old boy, who had the end of a fast wan
ing stick of candy in his mouth.
"And is sweet things bail for papa,
too?” asked the innocent child, releas
ing the stick from his mouth.
"Yes,” said the mother.
"I thought so,” replied the boy, as
the last end of the stick disappeared.
“Why did you think so, my boy ?”
“Because he always goes out when
you begin to sing ‘Sweet Violets.’
If that boy lives he may manipulate
the bones some night.—Zl mi Siftings.