Newspaper Page Text
■
,
le Weekly mocrat.
RCSSELL,
r Md Prop’r
N1URSDAY. APR! 3,1882.
TERMS OF SCI
.$2 00
..1 00
kanaai
,
Mouth* f
Copy 10
Fariably in adranci
OVERUSING RAmNI) RULES.
jTertiaemeata inserf*t $2 per square
Krai insertion, and/or each subse-
(t one.
Iquare is eight sirtnes of tbia type.
~ 1 terms made wtpontract advert!
cal notices of eigW>«* *re 515 P er
ker, or $50 per a opt. Local notices
Ls than three mof *re subject to
Jient rates,
atract adYertisenr 0 desire their sd-
pements changed/ 11 * 1 6 1Te u * two
i notice, /
anging advertise 0 **! unless other-
stipulated in condi will be changed
I cents per squat/
rriage and obi t/f notices, tributes of
et, and other k/red notices, charged
ker advertisem/*-
ertisements f take the run of the
as we do nofat" 10110 kee P ^ them
louncemeutst c :*ndidates are $10, if
hr one insert/-
I arc due ud the appearance of the
Lenient, njhe money will be col-
fas needed/the proprietor
ahull a.lhciArictly to the aboverales,
pH depart An them under no circum
rf#?SS& PROFESSIONAL.
MpICAL CARO.
M fi. -Nicholson,
j remo/d to Twilight, Miller conn-
coriria/Office in J. S. Clifton’s
r “ ' feb.9,’82.
EDICAL CARD.
J. Morgan
ren/ted his office to the drug store,
ply iteupied by Dr. Harrell. Resi-
fon Jest street, south of Shotwell.
[ cal/ *t night will reach him.
1ARLES C. BUSH/
Itorney at Law
I COLQUITT, GA.
nit attention given to all business en-
l o me,
DENTISTRY.
j Curry, D. D. S.,
, be fouad daily at his office on South
[street.up stairs, in E. Johnson’s
ng, wbere-he is ready to attend to the
lof the public at reasonable rates.
dec-5-78
itL, m. o’neal
McGILL & O’NEAL,
orneys at Law
BAINBKIDGE, GA.
■ office will be found over the post of-
DOSALSOlf, BY EON B. BO WEB.
BOWER & DONALSON,
[neys and Counsellors at Law.
le in the court house. Will practice
latur and adjoining counties, and
kero by special contract. a-25 7
TOR M. L. BATTLE,
Dentist
Ice over Hinds Store, West side
house. Has fine dental engine, and
lave everything to make his office
Hass. Terms cash. Office hours 9
to 4 p. m. jan,13tf
JEFF D. TALBERT,
torney at Law,
Ilainbridge. Georgia,
till practice iu all tbe courts, and busi-
nntrusted to his care will be promptly
" led to. Office over store of M. E.
tt & Son. feb.23,’82.
DR. L. H. PEACOCK,
tfully tenders his professional serv-
the people of Baiubridge and vicini
* over store of J. D. Harrell & Bro
ce on West end of Broughton
here he can be found at night,
il 6,1881—
H. F. SHARON,
orney at Law.
Office in Court House,
practice in all the courts of the
Circuit and Supreme Court of
In the Circuit and Supreme
of Florida, and elsewhere by special
t.
bridge, Ua., April 23,1881—ly.
MACON
nun
ipecial instruction in bookkeeping,
iship, business arithmetic, corres-
ice, bill heading, telegraphy and
business routine. •
KAY, - - PRNICIPAL.
erms, information* as to boarding
ply to the principal. P. O. box
;on, Georgia.
F. COLBERT.
liliAKER AND JEWELER.
L. M. Griffin’s old stand, corner
auth Broad and Troup streets,
^dge, - Ga.
ag and repairing, watches,
ewing-machiDes ana all kinds of
[done with neatness and dispatch.
"Ail work warranted.
go, Ga., August 4,1874.—
The Bainbridge Democrat
BY BEN. E. RUSSELL.
BAINBRIDGE, GA, THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 1882.
| YOL. 11.—NO. 26.
S1.TIUEBKTV.
Oh, bring me now sincerity;
A true and living verity;
Let life be short yet ever true,
In everything we think or do,
Let’s have sincerity.
Alas! the wotld is levity;
Yet there’s scant truth in brevity;
And cruel wit is sharp as steel,
Regardless of bow others feel,
We love sincerity.
Cease, world, this idle mockery,
This worse than foolish foppery,
For souls are lost upon tbe sea
Of mocking words, that cannot be
In truth sincerity.
I ask not sullen gravity,
Nor apish, fawning svavity,
But simple, quiet, genial truth,
All brightly told bj cherry youth,
With warm sinceity.
Then all would live so joyously,
All nature would seem heavenly,
True smiles would wreath each happy face,
And beauty gain the rarest grace,
God’s own sincerity.
Their Only Hope*
(Washingon Cor. Chron. <fc Const.)
I see that the Independents have issued
aformal pronunciamentoin Georgia. Their
“glittering generalities” are nothing but
chaff to catch the unwary. Hold them to
the single issue of being Republicans in
disguise. If they are not, why this en
deavor to disrupt the organized Democracy
and thereby perpetuate Republican domi
nation ? The President’s organ here
makes no secret of this alliance, and frank,
ly admits that nothing can save the next
House, and posibly hhe next Senate’ from
Democratic control, but the Independent
movement at the South. If this be true
the people of Georgia need not be misled
by clap-trap platforms. If it be a mis
take, President Arthur and bis Stalwart
organ would like to be specifically inform
ed of such presumptive treachery. Day
after day, Editor Gorham announces that
the salvation of the Republican party
depends solely upon the flank movement
of the Southern Independents. The desire
for office is probably at the bottom of the
whole affair ; but I do not see why any
man who does not wish the continuation
of Radical rule should vote to put in pow
er a few excellent gentlemen, who can
not get perferment any other way.
Highly Astonishing.
A certain lady in this county set a
hen upon thirteen eggs. A few days
afterward, looking into the nest, she was
surprised to find the hen missing and
the eggs gone and in their stead a huge
ratttesnake comfortably coiled up. Not
icing the swelled condition of his snake-
ship she procuied a spade and pinned
Iris head to the ground. Then, with a
rake, the tail was drawn out and fasten
ed down to prevent wiggling. A pen
knife soon split the reptile from head
to tail and the eggs were taken out.
Being carefully washed they were
placed under the same hen and eventu
ally every one hatched out, and the
chickens grew and thrived. We regret
that a strict regard for truth compels
us to say that the hen was not swallowed
nor were the chicks marked with-a
snake.—St. Paul Pioneer.
Hauling Hell Out of Him.
An editor in going away left his paper
in charge of a minister. During the min
ister’s stay in the sanctum the following
letter came from a mountain subscriber:
“You know very well I paid my subscrip
tion to your paper the last time I was in
Lexington, and if I get any more such let
ters from you as the last I will come down
and maul hell out of you,” The min ster
answered: “My dear sir, I have been
trying to maul that thing out of him for
past five years, and if you will really come
down and maul it out of him, then, my
dear sir, I have twenty members of my
church I will get you to operate on!”
Who was He-
The remains of a dead man was found
last Wednesday in one of the dirt shanties,
about one mile from town, that was used
during the construction of the Waycross
<Short Line, by the employees. From all
appearances he had been dead for some
time. It is believed that his death was
caused by the falliog of the shanty, it
being very heavy, upon him, which crushed
him. The supposition is he was a tramp,
there being nothing to indentify him or
give any clue as to who he was or from
whence he came. His remains were taken
in charge by the coroner and buried.—
Waycross Repo ter.
A wise man in the company of
those who are ignorant has been com
pared by the savages to a beautiful
girl in the company of blind men.
It is with antiquity as with ancestry ;
nations are proud of the one, and indi
viduals of the other.
AUMT HEPS ITS VISIT.
BY EUDIE.
I’ve ben ritin a poum in verse. I
ain’t a croosader, and I don’t believe in
wimmen’s rites, so I can’t lite like my
ancient relashun, Betsy Bobbet She
rote a poum on wimmin’s spear that
wood have made a blind man sheed
teers to rede it.
But I dont believe in women’s votin
—especially if her husband is republi
can and domercrat—that’s my poler-
tics, an’ I’m willin’ to stand up for my
side every time. Wimmin’s work is
tendin’ to the house an’ not fitin, for a
place in the legislates
I’ve beu to Bostin and found out all
about Oskar Wild, and I expect I cot
a little of the esthetick fever, for a’most
all the fokes were sick with it when I
got there. My poum was rote jest
arter I cum home. Yew see that long
afore I went to Bostin, my neece, that
married a Doge, kept sendin’ me inver-
tashucs for me to cum an’ sea her. She
told me how she had ben a paiotio’
sunflowers an’ wish’t she had sum
material raised tins tow paint.
‘•Dere hart,” sez I, “when I go
down you shall have a plenty,” thow I
cooldn’t tell what she wanted to paint
’em for.
Sunflowers are brite cullered enuf, I
should think, without any paint put on
’em. I shood a thot she wood a want
ed sumthin’ besides sunflowers—they
are so humly. My pinks an’ roses
were in luvely bloom; but no, she
druther have sunflowers.
So when L started I jist snipt off all
but the biggest hed, which I saved for
sead, an’ made a great j ailer bokay out-
en em. )
My sunflowers air twelve fete tall,
and air* powerful good for keepin off
fevers, all but the esthetick kind.
When I went in the keers, mostevry
wun was a lokin at my bokay, and I
was reel sorry that they coold not
have a few of ’em—but I wanted to git
’em all safe to Jain without losin’ a
single wun.
They got tired of starin’ arter a
while, an’ then my trials and triberla-
shuns begun. In the first plase the
amell of my yaller bokay was dretful.
I didn’t dare to lay it down on the seat
beside me for fere sumthin’ would hap-
eu tew it. I held it in wun hand in
frunt of me, and it was so big that it
cum right into my fase. I bore the
smell awhile and then I see a bug on
it—and pretty soon anuther—till I
found it was all covered with bugs. I
held it out the winder, and give it a
good thumpin and shakiD, and when
the boy cum threw the keer I bawt a
paper of him an’ rapt it up.
The keers stoptat every little stashun
on the rode, but at last they slacked
off intew the depot.
I was kinder bewildered when 1 got
ont an’ sea so menny houses, bat I
picked my way along the muddy stretes
till I found the plase. Thare wasn’t
no bell, only a kind of crank in the
middle of a silver plate; and when I
went tew pall it, it tamed rite
ronnd and rung^inside for I cood here
it reel plane.
Jain cum tew the door, and she was
so surprist she couldn’t say a werd,
but she helped me right off with my
bnnnit. As she tnk it in her hand,
her speech cam back and she sex :
“Oh, what a lovely poke bnnnit. I
didn’t think they had sich late stiles
up thare whare yon live P’
“Why,” sez I, * hot that air bnnnit a
a good twenty year agow; but I neve r
liked it very well, so I hain’t woren it
mutch.”
1 declare, I never sea sich a lot of
old chiny things as thare was a settin
round on the shelves and flore. I
couldent hardly move for fere of brakin
sum of ’em. I asked Jain why she
didn’t puk them in a closet out of site
they ware sich old-fashioned things;
but she sed they was verry choice an’
costly, an’ it wor fashionable tew have
’em settin’ round.
When I gin ber the sunflowers she
was dretful pleased with ’em.
That arternoon she brought ont a
three-legged consarn, she called a ezel,
an’ put a peece of cloth over it, sayin’
she was a goin’ to paint the sunflow
ers.
I was snpprist enuff when she cov
ered the whole cloth with a cote of
black paint which she sed was for a
back ground.
She didn’t get the picter of the flow
ers punted for a weke ; an’ when the
wans I brot was all gone, she had to
go bye gess work ; bnt when they was
dan they looked jest as nateral as cood
be.
She sot the picter up on the mantle
pece, right beside a long-legged, staff
herd, she said was an ibias, or stork,
such a humly, lean critter I woodn’t a
had in my barnyard.
Jain was very pindlin’, as all fokes
air that ketch the esthetick fever, and
all she ete wouldn’t a hart a moskeeter.
When I enm to the dinner table I
found another set of crockery, like the
stuff that was strewed over the shelves
and mantletrys promiskuss. Wun
pece earn from Italy, an’ wan Caby.
Tbe plate 1 ete on bad ben George
Washington’s wife’s, an’ bad lots of
Latin to it. But bless me! thare
wasn’t two pieces alike—an’ Jainsemed
dretful proud of her old nicked-up
chiny.
She didn’t ete mete, becaws it make
fokes savage an’ brutish ; bat I told her
that my father youster to have his
mete vittles three times a day, an’ he
was alien the kindest man I ever new.
She sed that Oskar Wild had lectured
on’t, and told ’em there sisters didn’t
requiro mete, and they never could be
esthetic if they ete it, an’ so she’d gin
it up.
She was lamin’ to make frickased
lily, and she wanted to get me up a
dish on’t afore I went home.
“Du tell!” sez I. “Is it anything
like pickalily, that we make out’n to-
maters an’ unyuns an’ vinegar 7”
‘Oh, no !’ sez she; ‘it’s made out of
the lily plant—the flower itself.’
‘Laws.’ sez I, ‘I don’t believe its haff
so good as a frickasede chicken, nor
haff so holsom as a plate of fride apple
sass turnovers, sich as your ant Selina
makes.’ '
‘Oh. well, it’s right esthetic, you
know!’ was all she could say; and she
kinder reddened up till I pitied her
for not knowin’ how to cook beter. •
While I was there at Jain’s I went
out a shopping to bye me a corse print
bible. Thare was an orful site of books
in the store—so I took out my old
horn-bownd specks and looked at ’em.
Pritty sane the clerk cum along, and
asked me ef I would have a book of
ponms.
He hawled over a lot and sez he,
‘Here’s a Spencer, wun of the best
How would that suteyon?’
‘Why,’ sez I, ‘I think a waste is
moie becoming to a woman than a
spencer.’
‘Wal,’ sez he, ‘here’s one by the
point of Skotland—Burns,’
‘No bums for me,’ sez I; ‘I core em
with gliserin—which* is the best reme
dy for ’em. I don’t need a book to tell
me about burns.’
‘Then,’ sez he, kinder laffin’, ‘here is
Alfred Tenny’s son^s works.’
‘Da tell,’ sez 1; “I new Alfred Ten-
ny up in Yarmonk I wact to no if
his son has writ a book t. Why we
yooster think he was a nateral born
fool.’
‘I aint acquainted with him,’ sez the
clerk,’ ‘but he rites nise. Will you
take his book ?’
‘No,’ sez L ‘I enm arter a corse
print bible; but if such fokes as Alfred
Tenny’s son can rite ponms I canand
I did.
So, as I sed . at ferst, when I got
back home, I rit this poum, which I
am goin to present to the editor of the
Gimlet, that printed Bets Bobbet’s
peces.
Oh! sea that yaller sunflower .
Aginst my garden wall 1
Who’d a thot that sneh a little seed,
Cood grow’d to be so tall?
Oh 1 sea that droopin' lilly tew 1
How fragrant doth it smell!
It hangs ite tiney little hed,
Tew ntterly and ntter well 1
Now to make up my garden groop,
Along-legged bird Fll bye—
That looks as if he’d died of eroop—
To please my esthetick eye.
Now, when I get these lines printed,
I am jest agoing to send it to that air
clerk to let him sea as how de wasnt
talkin to no fool of a woman. L dont
think he is married ; and I aint nuther*
yon no.
Every man has in his own life follies
enongh; in his own mind trouble
enough; in his own fortunes, evil enongh,
without being carious after the affairs
of others.
Is Didn’t Salt Her.
“But why don’t yon get married ?” said
a bouncing girl, with a laughing eye, to a
smooth-faced, innocent looking youth.
“Well, I—” said the youth, stopping
short with a gasp, and fixed his eyes on
vacancy, with a puzzled and foolish ex
pression.
■“Well, go on,” said the fair questioner,
almost imperceptibly inclining nearer to
the yonng mao. “Now just tell me right
out—yon what ?”
“Why, I—pshaw! I don’t know.”
“Yon do—I say you do ; Now, come,
I want to know.”
‘ Oh, I can’t tell you ”
“I say you can. Why you know I’ll
never mention it; and you may tell me, of
course, you kDow—for haven’t I always
been your friend ?”
“Well, you have, I know,” replied the
beleaguered youth.
“A ud I’m sure I always thought you
liked me,” went on the maiden, in tender
and mellow accents.
“Oh, I do, upon my word—yes, indeed,
Ido, Maria?" said the unsophisticated
youth, very warmly; and he found that
Mariah had unconsciously placed her hand
in his open palm.
There was a silence.
“And then—well ?” said Maria, drop-
ding her eyes to the ground.
“Eh! Oh—well!” said John, dropping
his eyes and Maria’s hand at the same
time.
“I’m pretty sure you love somebody,”
said Maria, assuming a tone of raileiy;
“I know you’re in love; and John, why
don’t you tell me all about it at once?”
“Well—I—”
“Well, I—oh, you silly mortal! what i3
there to be afraid of?”
“Oh, it ain’t because I am afraid of
anything at-ali; and I’ll—well, now, Ma
ria, I’ll tell you.”
“Well, now, John?”
«I ”
“Eh ?’’
“Yes.”
“I am in love!—now don’t tell; you
won't will you ?” said John violently seiz
ing Maria by the Tand, and looking at her
face with a most imploring impression.
“Why, of course, you know, John, I'll
never breathe a word about it; you know
I won’t—don’t you John t”
This was spoken in a mellow whisper,
and the cherry lips of Maria were so near
John’s ear when she spoke, that, had he
turned his head to look at her, there might
have occurred a dangerous collision.
“Well, Maria,” said John, “I have told
you now. and so you shall know aU about
it. I have always thought a great deal of
you, and ”
“Yes, John.”
“I ara sure you would do anything for
me that you could ?”
“Yes, John, yon know I would.”
“Well, I thought so, and you don’t know
how long I’ve wanted to talk to you about
it.”
“I declare, John, I—yon might have
told me long siDCe if you wanted to for I
am sure I never was augry with you in my
life.”
“No, you wern’t: and I have often felt
a great mind to—but—”
“It’s not too late now, you know.
“Well, Maris, do you tbink I am too
young to get married ?”
“Indeed I do not, John; and I know it
would be a good thing for yon too; for
everybody says that the sooner yonng
people get married the better, when they
are prudent and inclined to love one an
other.”
“That’s just what I think; and now.
Maria, I do want to get married; and if
you’ll—
“Indeed I will, John—for you know I
was always partial to yon—and J’ve said
so often behind your back,”
“ Well, I declare, I have all along thought
you would object, and that’s the reason
I’ve been afraid to ask you.”
“Object ? No, I’ll die first. You may
ask of me anything you please!”
“And you’ll grant it ?”
“I wiU ”
“Then, Maria, I want you to pop the
question for me to Mary Sullivan, for—”
“What?”
“Eh 1”
“Do you love Mary Sullivan ?”
“Oh! indeed I do, with all my heart l”
“I always thought you were a fool!”
“Eh?”
“I say you’re a feol! and you’d better
go home. Your mother wants you ! Oh,
you—you—you stupid?” exclaimed the
mortified Maria, in a shrill treble; and
gave John a slap on the cheek that sent
him reeling.
John went his way in a state of per
plexity, weodering what in thunder Maria
could get so mad about.
A very gushing young lady turned to
Mr. Snap and asked him in passionate
tones: “Oh—ah—Mr. Snap, tell me!
What—what—is yonr idea of real happi
ness ?” Mr. Snap—“Never reached the
lull meaning of the word, yet, bnt I guess
pork and beans would cover the ground.”
A Guaulsea Plan.
A New Yorker, who was in Denver
when the rash ap the Gunnison valley
began was approached by one of the
‘natives’ with ;
‘Stranger in these parts, I reek-
on 7*
‘Yes/
‘Looking for a chance to make eome
money, I take it 7*
‘Yes.’ ‘
‘Then you are the pilgrim I'm
looking for. There's a big rash for
Gannison.'
‘Yes.’
’And they’ve got a town laid out, and
everybody’s on the whoop.'
‘J ust so.’
‘In a month from this they’ll have
fifty poker rooms, as many saloons’ a
dozen dance booses and three or fonr
theatres going, bnt there won’t be a
church in the whole diggins. Now,
then the first chnrch is going to get the
cream of the business. If we can jump
in there with a religion which don’t
back too hard again^poker and a fight
nowand then, the pewk will rent for
$100 a piece qnicker than we can make
change.'
‘Wtat do yon propose 7’
‘Why, to form a stock company, build
the first chnrch, get a h—11 of a preach
er, and rake in fifty per cent, on oar
capital. No reason why we can’t ran
a faro bauk in the basement, a saloon
in the rear, and combine business with
the salvatiou of goals. I’m no Chris
tian, pilgrim, bat I’m double-jointed,
three-ply, bomb-proof on securing a
religion for a new town which fills a
contribution box chock up every time
it is passed for the benefit or the blast
ed heathen ’
How to Tell That Eggs are Eggs-
A good egg will sink in water.
A boiled egg which is done will dry
quickly on the shell when taken from
the kettle.
The boiled eggs which adhere to the
shell are fresh laid.
After an egg has laid a day or more,
the shell comes off easily when boiled.
A fresh egg has a lime-like surface to
its shell.
Stale eggs are glossy and smooth of
shell.
Eggs which have been packed in
lime look stained and show the action
of the lime on the surface.
Eggs packed in bran for a long time
smell and taste mnsty.
With the aid of tbe hands or a piece
of paper rolled in funnel shape and held
toward the light, the human eye can look
through an egg, shell and all.
If the egg is clear and golden appear
ance when held to the light it is good;
if dark or spotted, it is bad.
The badness of an egg can sometimes
be told by shaking it near the holder’s
ear, but the test is a dangerous one.
Thin shells are eansed by a lack of
gravel, etc., among tbe hens laying the
egg**
Many devises have been tested to
keep eggs fresh, bat tbe less time aa
egg is kept the better for the egg and
the one who eats it.
DelirloKK from Tobacco.
The mental experiences of a citizen
of Norwich, Conn., in whom the exces
sive use of tobaoeo recently produced a
sort of delirinm tremens, are tbas
described by the Bulletin: "Then fol
lowed a season of dersngement and
visions, less intense and terrorizing
than those belonging to the alcoholic
frenzy, bnt annoying and remarkable to
the patient. Be saw black flies in
myriads upon tbe walls of his room,
then thousands of fireflies, such as are
seen in Jane. These were followed by
millions of little golden metallk-haed
beetles. He sat beside a lovely stream
of water, that was not there, and gazed
into its limpid depths. He saw crowns,
queer garments covered with tbe heads
of nails, all sorts of armor, and bric-a-
brac enongh to furnish every house in
the State. Daring one whole day the
atmosphere Was so yellow that he could
not see tbe neighboring residences;
another day clondy veils shat oat from
his view for brief intervals the objects
about him.’
.u flUnr if
A shrewd girt ont west has earned a re-
rort to be circulated that she will have
$24,500 in cash the moment she becomes
of age. She ia now reveling in oyster sap
pers, ice cream, and buggy rides, tendered
in profusion by the dry goods and grocery
clerics of the town to which she likes.
Tbe Cellar-Dattei
Somehow yotf always seem too
TO rightly *t the battoa heti
O pearly dbk, yoa tack my w
When into ay since you ML
I toes yo* twenty Bam a week.
And And you when I think yon lost,
When hunting you on mens of froet,
What enlogieeof peace 2 apeak.
Yon wander boldly down my back,
And o’er the carpet nimbly stroll,
Then underneath the bureau roll,
And settle ta the furthest crack.
—Pocfc
WIT AND ni’XOB
The girl whoee'mouth looks like strawber
ries and cream takes the cake.
The freckled trout w beautiful. There
is a prejudice against the freckled girl.
The best time to pop the question to a
religions girl is dr.ring a revival.
A state densely inhabited and which no
one can bound—the state of drunkenness.
Mach of tbe talk of the great quantity
of whiskey ra Kentucky is mere moonshine'
Let ns learn upon earth those things
which call ns to heaven.
The last society freak is to furnish ice
cream stamped with the initials of the
guest.
Marriage is a lottery and the ugly old
man has no ticket. That is why he says
the concern is a swindle.
The merchant who cannot sell without
giving credit is in a bad way, for to rest is
to rust, and to trust is to bust.
Kissing is somewhat like seven np. If
he begs, and she thinks she can make a
point in tke game, ske will give him one.
Personal—John, eome back ; all is for
given! Pa kicked the wrong man. He
did not know it was you. Stella.
The differenco between a boy and a dog
consists in the fact that when the dog
6nds a scent be doesn’t spend it for candy-
,We are a nation of grit,’ remarks the
New Haven Register. ‘Even the cotten
we ship is full of sand.’ Yes; and the
sugar, too.
Down in Kentucky they tax a man one
cent and costs for whaling his mother-in-
law. Those burdens upon the downtrod
den South must be removed.
Why is it that whenever yon are looking
for anything you always find it in the last
place you look ? The reason is that yon
stop looking when you find it.
‘What makes you look so deadly sick,
Tommy V ‘Well, the fac' 'f the matter is,
I’ve been taking my first ebew, and I ara
an amachewer/
A dublin newspaper contained the fol
lowing: “I hereby warn all. persons from
trusting my wife, Ellen Flanagan, on my
account, as I am not married to her.”
When a high-tempered woman takes s
position ia your presence, agree with ber
perfectly, or you might have an inardent
desire to know where hurts yon.
It is said that the United States paid
over three million dollars for buttons last
year, and yet hundreds of noble grangers
bad* their trousers and snspeaders united
by the use of a shingle nail.
He was an accommodating conductor
who stopped his train long enough at Mary
ville, Illinois, for a. villiage clergyman to.
pronounce a hasty marriage ceremony for
two eloping passengers.
A Wisconsin woman who was Tost ia
the woods for three days says she didn’t
suffer so very mneh, bat was greatly an
noyed by her absence of mind in not
taking along a small looking glass.
Seven months ago a Poughkeepsie lady
broke off a needle in the palm of ker right
hand and was unable to extract ft. The
wound heated in a few days, and not long
since the needle came ont of her left heel.
A man intruded rato- an Irishman’*
shanty the other day.—‘What do. yon
want?’ asked Pat. ‘Nothing,’ was the
visitor’s reply. Then you’ll find it in the
jug where the whisky was.’
It is said that two Virginia girls have
been fighting a duel with shot guns. They
must have told on themselves, for it is not
likely any one close enough to witness the
affray Bumred.
Niagara Falls is so brilliantly illaininat-
ed by the electric light every evening that
after paying the hackman, yon can easily
see whether there ia anything left in your
pocket.
An Eastern men started a georgeoo*
“briHrant parlor” out west, but neglecting'
a liberal supply of spittoons it was said his
establishment did not come op to the pub
lic expectoration.
The New Haven Register gives the fob
lowing excellent directions aa to how to
tell a good onion: “Hire jour best girl to
eat it raw. ad then call upon her. If the
onion is good your stay will be short.”
It is feared that the enormous manufac
ture of wooden teothpieks is ntterly de
stroying the forests of America; bat then,
the youug man who spends all his salary
for good clothes most hare something to
eat.
A farmer living not many miles from
Toledo has the foBowing warning conspic
uously posted on his premises : “If any
man or woman’s cows or oxen gita in this
here outs, his or her tail wiU be cot ofl^a*
the case may be.” r>'
