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feekly Democrat.
IkU‘, Editor anil Prop’r
-pay. may 25.1682.
foFlTO iScki i*Ti3> t .
$200
1 00
75
V.V... 10
l 40 advance.
RATES ANT) RULES,
inpcrtc-l at $2 per square
Lion, and $1 far each subse-
I, right solid lines of this type.
ia ,l e with contract adverti-
| rf , „f eight lines are S15 per
Tgjj p c rannum. Local notices
Jliree monttis are subject to
[dVcrtiscrs who desire their ad-
i changed, must give us two
■ advertisements, unless other-
led in contract, will be changed
per square.
Jin 1 obituary notices, tributesof
„iher kindred notices, charged
-erti-emsnls
Imcntfl must take the run of the
do not contract to keep them
Iciiliir place.
Intents for candidates are $10, if
[insertion
i 0( spon the appearance of the
|nt, and t!‘C money will be col-
T..i!„| Itv t!>t proprietoi.
r.||,ere-iriclly I" the aboverules,
kart from them under nocircum-
& PROFESSION A L.
[medical card.
J. Nicholson,
|oved t« Twilight, Miller conn-
Office in J. S. Olilton’s
feli-0,’83.
[medical card.
J. Morgan
loved his office to the drug store,
copied by l>r, Harrell. Resi-
|l>-t street, south of Shotwell.
i at niglit will reach him.
Carles c. bush,
rncy at Law
COL'jUITT, GA.
laltention given to all business en-
DENTI3TRY.
iCurry, D. D. S.,
I found daily at his office on South
up stairs, iu K. Johnson’s
vliere he is ready to attend to the
|lic public at reasonable rates.
dec-5-78
M. OK EAL
McGILL & O’KEAL.
rneys at Law.
BA1NBK1DGE,*GA.
fice will be found over the post of-
I .SON, BYRON B. BOWER.
OWER & DuNALSON.
lys and Counsellors at Law.
n the court house. Will practice
tr and adjoining counties, and
■ by special contract. a-2a 7
r 0 R M. L. BATTLE,
Dentist.
over Hinds Store, West side
use. lias line dental engine, ttud
t everything to make his office
s. Terms cash. Office hours 9
4 p. m. jan,13tf
JEFF D. TALBERT,
ornoy at Law,
Mwoi'irhipre. Georgia,
iractic- in all Y.l\r courts, and bnsi-
usted to his care vwill he promptly
1 to. Office over store of M. E.
I £ nun.
feb.23.tt2.
DR. L. H. PEACOVK,
i’K
f
elsic
I fully tenders his professional serv-
tlte people of Uainbridge and vicini-
over store of J. Id. Harrell «fc Bro
ce on West end of Broughton
here lie can be found at night.
6.1881 —
F.
m
MOCRAT.
BY BEN. E. RUSSELL, j
BAINBRIDGE, GA, THURSDAY, MAY 25, 1682.
VOL. 11.—NO. 32.
lteyond.
Never a word is said
Bat it trembles iu tbc air,
And the truant voice has aped
To vibrate everywhere;
And perhaps far ofT iu eternal years
The echo may ring in our ears.
Never are kind acts done
To wipe the weeping eyes,
But like dashes of the sun,
They signal to the skies ;
And above the angels read
How we have helped the sorer need.
Never a day is given
But it tones the after years,
And it carries up to Heaven
Its snnshine or its tears;
While the to-morrows “land and wait
Like silent mutes by the outer gate.
There iB no eDd to the sky,
And the stars are everywhere,
Anil time is eternity,
And tbc here is over there ;
For the common deeds of the common day
Are ringing bells in the far away.
TUBS LOAE SUMWBERRY.
>1 A. Miller "ounly : .. —
! whcui it tiny concern : T F. Jones
mide application to have the Clerk
rim Court of said county appointed
rtrator of the estate of A. J. Miller,
there ore to cite all persons concern,
how cause if any tliupcitn within ihe
lowed by law, why said application
not be granted. This April 19,1882.
\VM. GRIMES,
Ordinary.
MACON
Eia mii
'pecial instruction in bookkeeping.
,s hip. business arithmetic, corres-
hill heading, telegraphy aud
business routine.
lKAY, - - PRNIC1PAL.
terms, information as to hoarding
j'l'lv to the principal. P. O. bos
•non, Georgia.
MASER AND JEWELER.
jsgaS
mm
*t L. M Criffin’s old stand, corner
South Broad and Troup streets,
ridge, - - Ga.
ning and repairing, watches,
, sewing-machines and all kinds of
y. done with neatness and dispatch.
GF"All work warranted.
M >dge, Ga., August 4, 1874.—
A ISrontl IBint to Ilakers of
I.cmitnade.
I dont know how many had flopped
their lips over the glass wheu it came
uty turn, but the lone strawberry float
ing on top looked a little worse for wear.
It was down at the Sunday-school pic
nic t’other day, you kcow, and the
fellow who dished up the lemonade hit
upon the bright idea of adding a crim
son berry. Whatever induced him to
do it is beyond my comprehension, for
what could one poor little strawberry
do for an honest liviug in a glass of
leuiouade ?
I like strawberries. They ar# tip
top when you can smother a lot of ’em
iu cream and talk love; but when you
tackle one—just one broken-hearted
little remnant of a short crop—and it
comes bobbing up aud down iu a whole
glass of leuiouade, you feel like
taking the loue berry out on a couple
of chips.
When I had drained the lemonade
to the bottom, taking care to leave the
poor strawberry, I sent the glass back
to be filled again. I watched it care
fully. I wanted to see that the berry
was not injured or bruised. The man
who would hurt that berry iu the
least would murder his grandmother.
I saw the lemonade chap fill her up,
and I eagerly uoted how tne berry rose
to the surf ace ; but itf did not come back
to me. Fairer hands than mine encom
passed the glass, and a pair of spark*
ling eyes beamed down sweetly upon
that berry.
I continued to watch that glass for
two reasons. I had a big interest in
the lone berry, and it was under the
care of the sweetest blossom on the
ground. She raised the glass to her
lips—two bars of coral—and the end of
her beautiful nose tickled the berry un
til it danced with glee in the lemonade.
Again she raises the glass, and gradu
ally the berry sinks to the bottom
bruised and bleeding. Lemonade is
always made in a barrel at a first-
class picnic. Again the frazzled rem
nant of the berry rises to the top. It
goes this time into the horny hands of
a, ISKSk*®.'." —h'ht i “S-iCfe TT alLthe
same.
I see it hide under his mustache as
he quaffs the ade, and I bold my breath
in l'ear that it is lost forever. But
when he taks the glassdown*I see that
the berry is safe. It is worn and hag
gard though. The bristles on that
man’s lip were too much for it. They
wore off its beauty, so to speak, and the
glass goes back to the barrel to be
refilled. This time it comes back to
me.
Poor down-trodden strawberry ! But
a short time ago it was the queen of the
patch, reclining upon the ea:th be
neath the shade of a strawberry leaf.
Then it was in the blush of beauty —
crimson, ripe and luscious. Now rag
ged, jaded, its substance gone, its glo
ry departed. Thus I thought as I
rescued it from the lemonade and
despair. Did I throw it out of the
window that it may be buried by the
waving grass below ? No ; I quietly
slipped it into the barrel where it
might find company, but it didn’t, I
was mistaken. There wasn’t another
strawberry in the barrel!
When I drink strawberry lemonade,
I want more than one to the barrel.
At least one more would give color and
tone to the ade, but you can hard y ex
pect one to do it. Not at a picnic,
nohow., Tom Arter.
A Stringent Case.
O'd bowlcgged Jake, a colored man
of high standing and extreme blackness,
entered the County Clerk’s office yes
terday and said :
‘Boss, I wants a par ob marriage
license, l’se an old man, but I’sc a
gwine ter marry one ob de youngest
gals in dis community.’
‘Have the parents of the girl any ob
jections to her marriage ?’ asked the
clerk, hesitating as to whether or not
that the license should be issued.
‘Hit doan seem so to me,’ replied
Jake.
‘Did you ask the old man's consent ?'
‘No, sah.’
‘How do you know, then, that he
does not object ?’
‘Wall, yer see, I has been callin’ on
de young lady for some time, an’ las’
uig’nt de ole man come in, took down
a army gun, an’ said he reckoned dat
me an’ Liody aughter git married.
Dis uioroin he come ober to the house
wid de gun an’ said sumthin’ about my
goin at o.nce an’ gitten de license. I
tide him I had a wife some whar in de
country, hut he cocked de ole gun an’
looked so sad like, dat 1 struck a trot
fur dis office.’
‘If you have a living wife, old man,
I can’t issue the license.’
‘But, boss, dis is one of he’sr strin
gent cases. De fodder ob de gal is
standin nut at de corner ob de house
Wid dat army gun. It’s better, boss,
fur a man to hab two libin wifes den it
is fur a ’oman ter hab one dead hus
band,’
Finally the old man with the gun
was induced to come into the office and
explain. ‘Wall, yer see, boss,’ he said,
‘ole Jake hab been burnin iny oil an'
warin out de bottoms ob my chairs long
enough. lie’s been eatin at my house
utore'n a year, courtin my gal, au’ now
l wants him to board de gal awile. El
he don’t, I'll hab to injer him.’ After
a while however, the old man agreed
that if Jake would pay him five dollars,
the affair would be settled without
marryiage. The money was paid over,
and the two men contemplate establish
ing a catfish restaurant.
Danger*) of Elating aw Seen by
a Humorist.
About a year ago we had discarded
everything that we thougbt.was dan
gerous to the health, when we were
startled on learning that syrup was
adulterated with nitric acid, and that
miasma lurked in the deadly folds of
the boarding bouse battercake. Fig
ures were given to show that the dread
ful battercake habit was spreading aud
prophecies were made that it would
eventually ruin the constitution of the
strongest devotee, and reduce the na
tion to a vast hospital of flapjack inva
lids. So the battercake was scratch off
edible fruits, and next went the fra
grant codfish ball, because it was said
to produce cold feet.
Then we learned that the sad-faced
and cobensive biscuit was synonym of
■'fu'digesrion'AiVi 1 he unostentatious kraut
but another name fo* .rheumatism, so
that the biscuit and kraut had ;
then we found out that castor oil con
tained the gems ol ingostatic molecule,
whatever that is, and were therefore
fotced to give up the use of that hila
rious beverage.
'1 Lis thing went on until we had cut
eve.ything lroui our bill of fare bat
cistern water and chewing gum, and
yet found ourselves no stronger or
healthier than when we were hastening
to the tomb from the effects of gorging
ourselves with a heavy line of assort
ed poisons three or four times a day.
About that time a man came along
with a magic lantern and showed us
that every drop of cistern water eou-
tained au aquarium of hideous marine
monsters, with wriggl ng tails, and a
druggist told us that the habit of gum
chewing was a fruitful source of can
cer.
Next thing we did was to swear off
being an infernal fool on the diet ques
tion. and now we eat anything and ev
erything tbab our teeth will masticate
or palate commend, aud we can work
ten hours a day and see to read small
print without spectacles.
The Boston papers say the girls of that
city have begun to wear police helmet- hats.
’IThd should the Boston papers warn the
Boston cirls. If they go to iwmitating
the Boston police, they will never catch a
man.
Sarah Wasn't There, .
Charley Shaw of the Detroit Opera
House, was grinning at the window of
the box—offiefe the other day when in
walked a chap with an agricultural
bronze on his face and asked :
‘Does any one perform here V
‘Oh, yes.’
‘This afternoon ?’
‘No ; to-night.’
‘How much to see ’em ?’
‘Well, I can give you a seat for half
a dollar, and you can hold your girl on
your lap.’
‘Wouldn’t anybody laff ?’
‘Not much ! We don't allow any
laughing in this house.’
‘Well, maybe wo’li come. Has this
theatre ever burned up ?’
‘Never.’
‘Any danger of fire on the stage?’
‘Not a bit.’
‘Any pick pockets around V
•None.’
‘Does anybody peddle lemonade P
‘No.’
•Any prize packages given out ?’
‘No.’
•Take a half dollar with a hole in
it?’
‘Yes.’
‘What kind of a play is it ?’
‘It’s tragedy.’
‘Tragedy? Then that lays me out:
Sarah v*a 9 to a show last year where some
one hit a feller who crawled under the
canvass with a neck-yoke, and she faint
ed so dead away that they had to un
hitch her corset and jerk off her shoes.
Let her see a play where fellers are
j libbing with pitch-forks, knocking
down with pitch-forks, knocking down
with crow-bars and sticking each other
with swords, and she’ll tumble kerplunk
and stop the show dead still. I hope
you’ll do well and all that, but I don’t
bring no Sarah to see no tragedy, and
don’t you forget it. She fainted on me
once, and my hair turned gray at the
rate of a bushel a minit.’—Free Press
A Newsboys Ucalh Bed.
I had looked at the boy, whose years
numbered fourteen or fifteen and saw
iu the white face, hollow cheeks and the
unearthly bright eyes the unmistakable
marks of that dread disease which places
its CTctims beyond all hope—consump
tion.
On the table lay an old Bible, its
yellow pages lying open where the rnotb
er had fini-hed reading. He was too
weak to cough, and the accumulation
in his throat could not be removed.
‘ Shine yer boots—shine ’em fer a
nick—morniug paper, sir ?” came in
feeble accents from the pillow. ‘Pa
per sir ? Morning paper ! All about
the ‘‘And the sufferer made au
effort to clear his toroat, which occas-
sioned something like a death rattle.
The mother was on her knees at the
lounge, sobbing and Jack, her other
son who had brought me to the room,
was by her side crying. I lifted the
wasted frame and moistened the poor
boy’s parched lips and tongue with wa
ter from the cracked glass that stood on
the window-sil. He felt the cool hand
on his brow, and his mind came back
>,a-hjm. “Ob, Jack, I’m so glad you’ve
come I shaft sell any more pa
pers, or black A.nv more boots, Jack ;
don’t cry.—Mother’s Ve® reading
somethin’ better’n newspapers to me,
Jack, and I know where I’m goin.
Give my kit to Tom Jones, I owe him
twenty cents. Bring all your money
home to mother, Jack. I wonder if
I’ll be ‘papers’ or ’boots' np there Good
bye mother; good-bye Jack. See ’em
shine. Morning ” Jim, the news
boy, was dead.
Knows nil That Happens.
The Rev. IVbangdoodle Baxter has
the most flourishing Sunday school in
Austin. A few Sundays ago he asked
one of his pupils. “Who is dat ar
mysterious Bein’ from whom nuffin’ am
hid, who sees and knows eberyding
what happens ? 1 axed dat queshun
lag’ Sunday and I dow wants de an
swer.” “I knows hit. My father tole
me the right answer,” said one boy.
“Well, den, who does your fodder say
am d»t mysterious Bein’ who knows
all things what happens ?” “De foah-
man ob de grand jury.”—[ Texas Sift
ings.
“The American Kiss,” it is announced,
is to be the subject of a book to be pub
lished soon. As Dr. Holmes would say.
the shape of the vclome should be e-lip-
tickle.
Maine and Georgia.
N. Y. Sun.
The following communication is from a
known Maine Republican, a friend of Mr.
Elaine:
“A few days*ago at Alexandria, Ya.,
I met Gen. John B. Gordon, of Atlanta,
and was very much interested iu his patri
otic remarks cn the present condition of
the country. Gen. Gordon has a noble
record—he is brave, talented, eloquent;
and I know from personal observation that
he possesses the confidence of the entire
South.
“I am neither an officeholder nor a busi
ness politician ‘nevertheless, I caunnt help
thinking what a wonderful ticket for 1884.
Maine and Geor.ia could preseut to the
country if they had the sense of opportunity
—James G. Blaine aud John B. Gordon.
“All personal considerations aside, the
business interests of the whole countav
would rally to support a broad national
movement that would leave do political
North and no political South. “P.”
It does uot seem to occur to those
friends of Mr. Blaine who want to go in
tor a broad national movement, that Con
necticut and Texas, or Yeimout aud Miss-
issipoi. or Ohio and South Carolina, wouid
answer the purpose quite as well as Maine
and Georgia Ohio and South Carolina for
example. What a sentiment there would
be in a ticket containing the names of
John Sherman aud Wade Hampton!
No doubt certain business interests
would rally arouno Brother Blaine,*for it
is well known in business circles that he is
no deadhead in any enterprise to which
he gives his whole heart. But just at this
time it seems likely that Brother Blame’s
political future lies South of the Equator,
if anywhere.
As for General Gordon, he left politics
and went into the railroad business not very
■ong ago, on the grouud, we believe, that
there was more mouey to be made iu rail
roads than in politics. Kite were to leave
business for politics now ; it might look as
if he had changed his mind.
The Tariff Commission.
The tariff commission bill, which has
become a law, provides that the president
shall appoint from civil lire nine comntiss
ioners, whose duty it shall be to do what
congress has confessed its own inability to
do—namely, to revise the Morrill mon
strous protection legislation which dis
graces the statute books. This is a grave
and important trust, foron the composition
of the commission aud itB report depend
the adjustment of the trade and commerce
of the country for very many years to come.
It is fortunate that the president is left
practicrlly free in the selection of the com
mission. There is, to be sure, the restrict
ion in the bill that he shall not appoint a
brigadier general or a commodore ; that all
the members shall come from “civil life;”
but this limitation will not eu.barrass him,
or no one except a pigheaded protection
ist could suppose for a moment that the
executive would select a tariff commission
from the rnuy and navy registers.
The task before the president is as ffnpor-
tant a duty as he will be culled on to per
form during his administration. His own
party, it is certain, will endeavor to make
the appointments for him in the protection
interest, and the vote in the house of re
presentatives shows that the democracy
will not be slow in volunteering advice
on thesuhject. The country expects from
the president not a packed commission,but
a fair, honest and throughly representative.
Mr. Springer, in his admirable speech a
few days ago, showed that the agricultur
ists are, man for man more thah double
the number of those engaged in manufact
ures. Manifestly that inteiest should have
a large representation. The whole cos^'
mission business has not, so lar as congress
is concerned, the confidence of tlA coun
try. It is almost universally- regarded as
a trick a',!/Is.8ubtertng.e.r 'The president,
in its composition, may possibly save it
from this contempt and win for it some
degree of public respect.—N.Y. lierald.
Mysteries ot’llic Ice Baslness.
Gar<lner. Me., Journal.
The'New York icemen are beginning
again to play their shrewd little games.—
every winter they tefl’ how much ice they
are getting on the Hudson. That is to
preveDt the down-easter from putting up
much ice. Then, in the Spring, after the
crop has all been harvested, they change
front and tell how little ice there is on
band, This is to make the down-ea3ters
put a big price on their ice. so that it will
uot be sold, and so that New Yorkers
and others down South can sell their ice
at a big price, and they do not care whether
the KenDebeckeri can sell any or not.
They had rat her sell one million tons of
ice at $5 than two millions at §2. It is
for the interest of New York icemen to
cry up the scarcity bow, and they will do
it. Let no man in Gardner be fooled, but
when he gets a goed chance sell, and sell
early.
An exchange says : “A dozen women
ride now where one rode a few years ago.”
It will be aeen that this arrangement must
be hard 09 the old borne.
Mistaken Kind nests.
Mormon wagons took sunflowers along
with them on their way to Utah, and Iowa
furmtts have bad a bard time fighting the
pest. A single Scotch thistle planted in
Victoria—the iSfcotchmen there had a
congratulatory dinner over it twenty years
ago—has covered ten thousands of acres
and been the destruction of farms, 'i he
scattered grain emptied from the bags of
German troop-ships in the Revolution
knocked off the value of our grain crop for
all time to come by bringing the Hessian
fiy. A careless man set out a French
grape-cutting a few years ago with phyllox
era on it, the pest is now sprinkled
along the Pacific coast, creeping inland.
Its ravages iu France have cost 3400,000,-
000. A man with a taste for peppery
greens planted water cress in New Zealand,
and the little plan* has spread so that the
local legislature has to appropriate a round
sum yearly to put the water cress out of
existence and improve the water courses.
A kindly, misguided man brougt over to
New York a basketful of sparrows, not
twenty years ago. and the little wretenes
have already driven half o<*r song birds into
the woods. In South America the same
thing was done, and the birds are cleaning
out the fruit crop. They will be here
some day. Natural selection is occasion
ally wiser in finding a place for men and
animals than men.
Khe Thought it was Just Too
I-ovely.
An Oil City young man was reading
in the Derrick about recent doings in
the Arotic regions, and his best girl was
sitting near by, watching the wagging
of his mustache as the words rolled
out. She was evidently more deeply
absorbed.in the mustache than the sto
ry. He continued :
‘She arrived at the mouth of the
river Lena about three mouths ago.
The Jeanette was crushed—’
‘What!’ quickly asked the girl start
ing up-
‘Jeanette was crushed by—’
‘Oh, but wasn’t that just too lovely !
Only think, to be completely crushed !’
‘What are you talking about, dear
est ?’ asked the young man in surprise.
* ‘1 was saying how grand it was to
be crushod. Did you say it was Lena
or Jeanette that was crushed ?’
‘Jeanette, of course.’
‘Oh, how I wish I had been in the
Jeanette’s place,’
Then the press of business necessi
tated turning down the gas, and the
meeting closed in harmony.
A Sign Which Conquered.
A Wayne county farmer who is much
annoyed by tramps came to Detroit a
while ago and had half a dozen signs of
“Small pox—Bewere!” painted to post
up on his house and grounds. Although
he had one ou either side of his gate,
(hey had not been up two hours when
a roT,er passed between them and knock
ed on fhe doer and asked for food,
“Didn’t ^.ou see those signs on the
gate ?”demani*d the farmer.
“Yes’r, but fcan’t read.”
The next one saiff^e ws* oearsjglited
and thought th-8 sigusKd'ad/ffor sale.”
The third had had snj^pox and was
willing to nurse th^^mjly. The fourth
had been vaccinated and was reckless.
The fittffi had a remedy to sell, and
after getting away with a cold
oite. turueu to his benefactor and said :
“If you want to beat the toys knock
down them signs and pul up one read
ing : “Help wanted.” It never fails
to" keep ’em jogging straight a ong.”
The farmer followed the advice, and
he hasn’t had a call siiaee.—[Detroit
tree Press.
A stranger from the East was hav
ing his boots blacked at the postoffice
when an alarm of fire was turned out.
As be saw the steamer rush out he in
quired of the ‘shiner’ at his feet:
•Bub. what of water system have you
got in thi.-city?’
The boy spit on his brnsh, looked up
and down the street, and finally answer
ed :
‘Well, as far as I know anything
about it, they all take water after their
gin !’
The reply seemed to be thoroughly
satisfactory to the stranger-—Detroit
Free Press.
“The incongruities of nature are well
illustrated when a man. whose life from
the cradle has been one stupendous error,
points oat a small mistake in a newspaper
and then asks the editor why lie can't jjet
things straight iu his paprr?”
Youngstown, Ohio, is going to have a
powder mill with a daily capacity of 200
kegs. There is nothmg like blowing np
the advantages of a town.
WIT A.XU HCMOB
(he roan wto ia cornered is very opt to
get on bis ear and stalk off.
Adam missed one of the luxuries of life
He couldn't laugh in his sleeve.
If one dog can be put oh a scent, bow
.many can be put on a trade dollar ?
A- sour old bachelor proposes to build a
house for himself which is not ta have any
Eves. .
A man eats cloves between acts So that
not a breath of suspicion may be cast on
his temperance character.
Always look on the bright side; a.
mighty ugly hired girl can ring the bell for
a mighty good dinner.
It may be said of the “belle of tbe ball"
that when she bo r s asseDt to an invita
tion to the dance, “she stoops to concur.”
Bartenders are the most sociable sot oft
earth. They break the ice oftener and finer
than anybody.
‘I occasionally drop into poetry,’ as the
man said when he fell into the editors
waste basket. ,
The editor who called Chicago a Chris
tian country ought to be better posted ia
religious Geography.
“An honest man’s the noblest work of
God.” Nothing is said about woman, be
cause'she isn’t such an astounding variety..
A lecturer is telling, “How we Hear.,'-
It is told. Somebody tells a friend of
ours and tells him not to tell; that’s the
way we bear. . ._
A person once sent a note to a waggish
friend, requesting the loan of bis noose pa
per, and received in return his friend’s mar
riage certificate.
“What makes men fat?” ask3 a corres
pondent. Don’t know, but about a quart,
of whiskey will make a man lean—all
around a lamp post.
A brooklyn woman went into a store
and stole a piece of calico to get money to
buy morphine, and her respectable husband
is vastly mortified.
Don’t throw away your old flour barrels.
They are useful. It lias been found that
an ordinary flour barrel will hold 678,900
S'lver dollars.
Wherein is tbe average church congre
gation better than tbe highwayman ? Does
it not make the poor preacher stand aud
deliver every Sunday ? ,
Daring the ninth waltz, Oscar pointed,
to his boots and remark°d to Feliciana:
"You can t say I have no polish.’ ‘No,’,
said she, but you shine at the wrong end.|
An Illinois girl found that she must
either give up her lover or her gum, and,
after one day speut in reflection, she press
ed his hand good-bye and said she would
always be a sister to him. ,
A subscriber wrote to an editor: “I,
do not want your paper any longer.” The.
editor replied : “I wouldn’t make it any
longer if you did; its present leDgth suits
me very well.”
“The muses kiss with lips of flame,”
says a recent poet of the new order. Then,
we are thankful we are not courting any i
of the ntnses just now. We don’t wish to
have our mustache burned off.
“You just ought to 3ee how I was paying^
attention to Miss Flapjack out at the pic
nic.” "Did you speak to her?” “Ono?
1 didn’t proceed to that extreme, but I
patted her poodle dog on the back when
she wasn't looking.”
“Dear, dear!” exclaithed Mrs. Brown.
“I have just been over to see Clara. Poor,
child I she is dying of ennui.” “Why, how
yon talk!” cried Mrs. Homespun; then?
adding, as she moved away from
tor: “Mercy 1 ’tainrketcin 1 if^i’i
Monkeys die of cbnsuBip^on The
worst of it is th^ no t know enough to
hasten enffr deaths by taking a hutfdred
^ MTfferent kinds of patent medicine war
ranted to cure any disease and kill an^
patient.
And new the organ grinder comes,
Dread liarbinger of spring,
With bis organ slung across his bask
And a monkey on a string.
And while he grinds his music out
That makes the strongest quail,
His monkey passes round the hat
And—thereby hangs a tail.
A father wishing to dissuade hie daugh
ter from all thoughts of matrimony quoted
the words; ‘she wbo'marries does well,
but she who marries not does better.’ Tbe
daughter meekly replied, ‘Father I am
content to do well; let those do better
who can.’
Conclusive evidence; The old lady
came down to her breakfast in a bad hu
mor and sharply addressing her son, said J
“Charley, did you leave that whisky bot
tle on the parlor table?” “No, I guess
dad left ft.” “Why do you guess your
father left it.” “Cause it’s empty.”
‘I just went ont to see a friend for a'
moment,’ remarked Jones to hts wife, as
he returned to bis seat in the theater.
•Indeed,’ replied Mrs. J., with a sarcastic
surprise, 'I supposed from the odor of yonr
breath, that you bad been out to see your
worst enemy.’ Jones wineed.
The wind was damp with coming wet,
When James aud bine-eyed Lizzie met
He held a gingham o’er bis head,
And to the maiden thus he said:
“Oh, lovely girl, my heart’s afire." .
The maid in accents sweet replied;
“Jim hold the umbrella more my side ;
My bran-new bonnet's getting wet—
I’ll marry yer, yer needn’t fret."
“Now, roy boy, take those eggs to the
store, and if you can't get a quarter af
dozen, bring them back.” Tbe boy went,
as directed, and came back, saying {
“Father, it takes me to make a trade,’
They all tried to get ’em for 49 cents, be#*
I screwed ’em down to 25.”
-xl
