Newspaper Page Text
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D & Hedaoj'gon j|
tlSPlil
XX.il NO. 26.
VIENNA, <JA. THURSDAY, JANUARY 88, 1904
TERMS $1 A YEAR
THE HUMAN JUMBLE.
Humor and losophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
Copyright, 1903, by Stmpnn-Hodges Co.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Nothing la quite bo distressing as to
{' listen to an amateur swearer trying to
make you think that ho Is a profes
sional.
Every dog has its day, but there are
■dogs that richly deserve thirty days
■and costs.
If you have It In for a druggist, the
way to get even Is to buy all. of your
Stamps of him.
Naturally baldheaded men think that
football Is a foolish game.
Strenuous health culturlsts who live
-on one meal a day would be applying
to the humane society If they had to.
It might to a surprise to some grocers
to learn that there are sixteen ounces
to the pound.
It Is all right to lock the door after
the horse is stolen, for who would want
to lose , the new horse before getting
acquainted with him?
It Is human nature to spend 76 cents’
. worth of time getting a fifty cent puss
to a theater.
When a grass widow can collect all-
\ tnony, she Is In clover.
Don’t hold it against him If a man in
a balloon looks
down on you.
As soon as the
meaning of It Is
explained to him
a boy always
becomes a wnrm
advocate of mor
al suasion.
You can al-
” ' ways guess that
a gift horse Is old enough to vote wli
•out looking him In the mouth.
Animals must have intelligence, for
sometimes cats and dogs when they
get together act alnjpst like human be
ings.
A cold winter Is a healthy one—for
-the coal dealer.
Important to Know,
Oh, maiden with the dreamy eyes,
You’re nice to look upon,
But can yott bake a wholesome cake
Or kitchen garments don?
To bask within your sunny smiles
Is really quite a treat,
But are you crude on cooking food
And mixing things to eat?
In parlors bright or at the play
It’s sweet to hear you sigh;
But, getting round to solid ground.
Pray, how are you on pie?
At the Cheap Restaurant,
"What is the matter, Watkins?”
Watkins looked at the egg he had
just broken- and replied patiently, "We
have tTtoeless carriages, cowlesB milk
niil coffeeleSs coffee; now It seems to
merliat the next thing In,order Is chick
enless eggs.’’
A Suggestive Game,
“They were feeling so good when
they captured the seven horse thieves
■that they stripped to have a game under
a big tree.”
“You don’t say! What game did they
play?”
“Seven up.”
Everything tangled and twisted for man
Pushing through life without, method or
plan* 1
Grumbling and stumbling haphazard
along,
Bard to go right and a cinch' to go
wrong.
Fighting for dollars and such worthless
trash,
Lucky if out of the light he gets hash;
Bondman of custom who thinks l;e Is
free—
That’s how It looks to a man up n tree.
Pulling and hauling and shoving for
place,
That Is a snap shot, a glimpse of the
race;
Qtutla ns football and quite as polite
As a campaign where the ward workers
fight;
Mixture of rough house and Dnnnybrook
fair,
Every one striving for more than his
share;
Honor for monoy, « rout for a for—
That’s how It looks to a man up a tree.
Motley procession of women and men
Marching to nowhere, retreating again;
Planlessly turning to left or‘ to right,
Nothing respecting but lronbound might;
Wrangling for plunder not worthy the
■ cost
Whllo .tho true objeot of living Is lost;
Reeling and dizzy like one on a spree—
That’s how It looks to a man up a tree.
In this confusion and chaos and strife, .
Here and there one with a purpose In life
Striving to stem the disorder and crime,
Poets and dreamers ahead of their time;
Type of the future erect land full grown
Waiting for man to come Into his own,
Hoping their ohlldren the dawning will
That’s how It looks to a man up a tree.
/
He Knew the State,
“What state were you bom In?” ask
ed the census taker.
“No state at all. I was bom In
Haiti."
"State of anarchy,” jotted down the
man, passing along to the next ques
tion.
Hair Is Useful.
The secret Is discovered,
Tho plot is all laid bare,
The reason why our poets
Wear long and shaggy hair.
When from the second story
By editors they’re thrown
The hair, a matted cushion,
Protects them from the stone.
One Mystery Solved.
“Where do you suppose all of the
Ins go to?”
“1 can’t toll you, but 1 know where
all of the buttons go to.”
“What becomes of them?”
“Ask the man who passes the col-
kyctlon basket in church.”
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
There was a woman at tho bottom of
It when Maggie fell Into tho well.
An emergency is a case of unexpect
ed company on Sunduy.
The best Is the
dearest In the
case of girls.
If It worn not
for the fools,
(lemlUeuts and
sliqmers would
have to go to
work.
Etordul hustle Is the price of success.
Tho beauties of a snowstorm are
more appealing when viewed from a
comfortable second story window than
when seen from the middle of a drift.
If some people were as luminous as
they thluk they nrri the wdrld would
bo one dazzling blaze of glory. .
Tho best thing about a Christmas pro
gramme Is that- it ean’t : be repeated for
a year at least.
The health of the small boy shows a
great Improvement during the skating
season.
There is not bo
very much dif
ference between
giving and liv
ing.
Mnybe n thief
can catch a thief,
but'-why should
he do it?
Perhaps pride < 5a *'
goes before a fall, but It Is sure to
como after a hit.
Little girls are never too young to no
tice whether their hats are becoming to
them.
T - Love of What 1
When a girl of two and twenty
Weds a fellow rich and old,
It Is love that prompts her action—
Never mind what you’ve been told—
But It’s true that more than likely
It Is only love of gold.
Economizing Space,
"Does he stand well with her?” ,
“I guess so. He'sits well with her
anyway, for one chair "does for both.”
PBRT PARAGRAPHS.
For the tramp all roads lead to roam.
Modest people are not the only ones
to be shocked by electricity.
Millionaires cannot hire others to di
gest their food for them.
It makes it uncomfortable for a
young man to be turned down when
he tries to turn down the gas.
Touched His Pride,
The bird of freedom was enraged
And looking round for gore; ■
Things that were done in freedom’s
name
Had made the eagle sore.
Sometimes riches take wings and
sometimes they only go away behind a
i ri'.c-p horse.
For Her Peace of
Mind.
"Do you think
that a, woman
should know all
that her hus
band does?”
“Not if she
cares to have
any sleep at
night.”
The last rose of summer Is not half
so dear as the first rose of winter.
If you see It in tho patent medicine
almanac remember it was written for
the unsophisticated.
Perhaps after all Mohammed went
to the mountain because he had hay
fever.
When a man begins offerlng-to helpf ^S 1
his wife about the house It Is time to
call In tho doctor.
The Usual Thing,
8ho wrought with patient, loving pride
A garm’ent for her fiance; .
The back was short, the aleeves were
wide.
And worked with silk In colors gay.
She fondly hoped that when he mused
In Idle houre with his cigar
He’d wear the coat, while he confused
The things to be with things that are.
And so she Bent It by express
That he might get it Christmas day,
Bestowing on It a caress
Before she sent It on Its way.
He took It from Its coverings
And held it upside down, and then
He said he wondered how such things
Could be acceptable to men.
He tossed It In a closet dim
Among some slippers badly mired
And wrote to say aho’d sent to him
The thing that he had long desired.
Can’t Afford to Lose Her Now.
“What makes Roberts so attentive to
his wife?"
“She has threatened to sue him for
a divorce.”
“I did not think a little thing like
that would feaze him.”
“Oh, you see, her millionaire uncle is
about to die, and Roberts considers
that it would be bad judgment to let
her cut loose now.”
PBRT PARAGRAPHS.
Men are great believers In miracles.
They object to hard work on the part
of their wives yet always expect an or
derly house and a good dinner.
Some men car
ry packages as
if they were ba
bies; other men
carry babies as
if they were
packages.
“The Joy of
working” di
minishes to the
vanishing polut
when you are
up against the
real thing.
Milkmen surely have a heavenly time
as they traverse the milky way.
A boy’s best friend is often bis moth
er’s slipper.
A shovel and a ton’of coal are excel
lent aids to digestion..
Stubbornness is simply persistency
that Is handicapped by vanity.”
When patience ceases to be a virtue
it also ceases tb be patience.
When love comes In at the door dis
cord files up the chimney.
A skating pond does not make a win
ter nor an engagement ring a mar
riage.
Illusions and fallacies are the things
that the other fellow has.
Of two evils don’t choose either.
Truth Is not a farthing rushlight,
and It is a good deal farther from be
ing a gas bill.
A course in cooking or a dimple Is
not necessary In order for a girl to
make a marriage, but either Is an ad
junct? nol'toD§’aeifTseff.''''""' 'T ' 6
Successful prophets are those that
manage to squeeze out a big bunch of
profits.
Good taste is that which Is represent
ed by the first person singular.
HARD LUCK.
When a man Is up ngalnBt It,
When ho hasn't go 1 a plunk,
If ho ne’er before has sensed It
koS"s|
Then he'll find that It tako4®spunk
To get out and hustle dinner,
Breakfast, Buppar, what you please.
He may oount himself a winner
If he captures one of these.
When he has the eating habit
He will go at breakneck epeed,
If he sights a job, to grab It
And to worry out a feed.
Ho will find his woeB are many
Soon ns all his coin Is sunk.
As for frlonds, he hasn't any
When he hasn’t got a plunk.
Makes the Job Worth While.
“Considering that they are out In all
kinds of weather, rural mail carriers
should get more pay.”
“I don’t’know. Think of the per
quisites that go with the job.”
“I didn’t know there were any."
“Don’t they have a chance to read all
postal cards?"
She Had Her Reasons.
“Why did you turn down young Bng-
Jey?"
“He Is a chump, and I know what I
am talking about I have ridden
through a tunnel with him.’’
Lullaby,
Bye, oh, baby; baby, bye,
Go to sleep and do not ory.
You can play In our back yard
Though you hold no-union card.
Bye, oh, baby; baby, bye,
Go to sleep and do not cry.
Bye, oh, baby; baby, byo,
Rest you, rest you; don’t bo shy.
When you're grown, my little Dan,
You will be a union man.
Bye, oh, baby; baby, byo,
Rest you, rest you; don’t bo shy.
Byo, oh, baby; baby, bye,
Softly, gently, elose your Oye.
You are still your mother's pet;
Unions haven’t got you yet
Bye, oh, baby; baby, bye,
Softly, gently, close your oyo.
Beyond Her Means.
“Why did Mabel throw the duke
overboard?”
"After consulting her guardian sha
decided that she could not afford the
luxury.”
Had the Proof.
“Do you believe In evolution?”
“Certainly. I know lots of men who
ore quite as Intelligent as monkeys."
Changed Her Mind.
The fellow was too ancient
For her to marry him.
Though be hod gold, be was too old
To suit her maiden whim.
And when he calmly acquiesced
And dropped out of the race
Sho started, just to get some dust,
A breach of promise case.
PBRT PARAGRAPHS.
Sweet Silence.
I sit, and Silence comforts me.
Tho. worries of the anytime cease,
From care and trouble wholly free,
For Silence always brings me peace.
The smoke of my beloved cigar
Floats upward on the ev’nlng air;
Comes no discordant note to Jar
Our sweat communication there.
How still the shadows of the night,
How calm the glory of tho stars
That shine serene and clear and bright
Like headlights on celestial cars!
Now, do not think that I'm, forsooth,
A chap who holds his kind a bore.
Ah, no; I am a modest youth,
And Silence Is the sftl next door.
Mean Thing.
Ernestine—Will Grantley Is the mean
est man I know.
Josephine—Why, what has he done?
Ernestine—I had the cleverest joke
of the year on him and meant to tell
It to all the girls.
Josephine—Did you tell It?
Ernestine—No. He went before me
and told every one of them.
Fane Pictures.
Jack Frost has etched, with careful hand,
A picture on the window pane—
A garden full of lilies and
A lot of trees along a lane.
This seems a mocking travesty
Of singing, smiling summer time,
This glistening, sparkling mimicry
Of summer done In winter's rime.
The assessor Is always a victim of
misplaced conscience.
Some men who are supposed to be
bad on account of the company they
keep really contaminate the company.
But Jack Is wise; he wants to show
That he knows love and laughter bright;
That Ice and frost and drifting enow
Are not the whole of his delight.
And so he makes with skill and care
, A picturo full of birds and bees
That we may know he's had his Bhare
Of happy summer harmonies.
Had Him There,
“Do you believe In marriage?” asked
the surly old bachelor of the sweet
young thing.
“Yes; do you?” she asked.
“No. It makes pessimists of men.”
“You certainly have no reason to fear
it,” murmured the sweet young thing.
Love's Triolet.
She glanced at mo with starlit eyes
That pierced my brooding darkness
through.
Before such glances trouble files;
She glanced at me with starlit eyes,
And Love flashed In and made me wise;
He showed me what a man should do.
She glanced at me with starlit eyes
That pierced my brooding darkness
through.
He Was Up to Date.
“How many ounces in a pound?”
asked the teacher.
"Troy, avoirdupois or grocers’
weight?” inquired the boy who had
seen a little of the world outside the
schoolroom.
IS
There Is no use
in giving a man
a point of view
when he is
blinded by ob
stinacy.
Music has pow
er to rouse the
savage In the
breast of man
when It comes in the shape of over
worked ragtime.
You can usually gauge the ease. Toy
ing qualities of a family by the num
ber of rocking chairs In the house.
A man who is so biased by his owu
conceit as to believe himself to be with
out superstition or prejudice Is an un
comfortable article of household fur
niture.
When a man falls in love his belief
In individual freedom gets a hard Jolt
Just why a critic has an Irresistible
desire to make alterations In a thing
that comes under his judgment bos
never been discovered.
A spender wbo sheds bis affluence
over you is a generous man; onfe who
sheds it over others is a spendthrift |
When a girl quits going to fancy balls
and attends cooking schools the wed
ding day Is not far off.
The uses of adversity may be sweet,
but we are from Missouri.
When the mice are away the cats
will prey.