Newspaper Page Text
D L Heddevn
VIENNA, GA. THURSDAY, JANUARY 91,1004
PBRT PARAGRAPHS.
Humor m? Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
A pair of twins have a
chastening effect upon the
When a man discovers that be la In
love he Is amazed to ulso discover that
his acquaintances have been speculat
ing for some time on how soon he will
be buying household goods.
Copyright. 1004, by Sunpson*Hodgca Co.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
TERMS $1 A YEAS
Kind words pay big Intercut on the
Investment
Whut makes some people hard up Is
the Inability to distinguish between
their Income and their expectations.
Napoleons of finance find their Water
loo in watered stock.
An Industrious war hero tries to make
history while the sun Bblnes.
With the grinding of the trusts on
one side and the consumer on the other
the middleman always knows he is in
the middle.
. Some of the noise called music would
drive the savage to drink.
It must be a pldksant change' for a
bigamist to go to jail for awhile.
Docs the humane society know about
the dentist?
Ion cannot borrow money In a pawn
shop on blue blood.
A nian has to accumulate something
In the neighborhood of a million before
Is can see the beauties of poverty.
A poor relation stlcketh closer than a
brother.
It is on account of his kick that the
mule is respected.
There Is no accounting for tastes.
Some men love their work.
Nevertheless a fool and bis money
make a pleasant combination to meet
up with.
No man can control the color of his
eyes. If they are blue, he was born
'that way. If they are black, the other
fellow was the larger.
Her Enemy Appeared.
“The girl was wearing man’s clothes
and lA her complete disguise was hav
ing the time of her life until she was
discovered.”
“How did they get on to her?”
“A mouse ran across the floor.”
A stitch In time saves a lot of verbal
darning.
Some people are so much In the way
that they are continually falling over
themselves.
A woman delights In showing her
best now Unvvn to her dearest friend
and her worst enemy.
There Is no use in crying over split
milk unless you buve u kind hearted
milkman.
A successful uuiu cun never under
stand how there can he any failures.
A girl who improves-bpon Jfature Is
an artist, whether she work upon her
self or on canvas.
A luxury Is anything the
afford. '
you can’t
The Old and the New.
On sandaled feet the years slip by,
And e'er has died the welcome bell
Wi bear the old year's funeral knell
Peal forth against the midnight sky.
We welcome them with open heart,
Theli; birth mark with a holiday,
As ttjough they would be ours for .aye;
Tomorrow’s morrow they depart.
With mirth and sadness, smiles and tears,
Success and failure, Joy and woe,
Down through the aisles of time they go
To join their silent sister years.
Perhaps a few more streaks of gray.
Some added lines, care’s filigree,
Are all they leave to tell that we
Are one more milestone on the way.
And these make up the slender lease
We hold on this brief span of time;
The new year, old year, knell and chime;
Then rest, eternal, endless peaoel
When a man has quarreled with bis
wife he usually comes around by try
ing to square himself.
A man’s residence mqy havo an Im
posing entrance, blit If be Is Wise lie
will see that it has an easy exit
A belle Is a young lady Into whose
favor it Is bard to enter and out of
whose favor It is easy to slip.
Contiguity has moreato do with most
matches than celestial supervision.
If you must telf your secret tell It to
tho cat
x ■ _
Vety receptive people are apt to leak.
s
IT IS HIS TRADE
Behold the villain In the play,
The gentleman with cunning low
Who, plotting dark to have his way,
To any length or depth will go.
He keeps the heroine at sea
Till thwarted by the hero koen
And shows how mean a man can be
When ho Is paid for being mean.
For throe long acts and maybe four
He works his underhanded game,
Keeps gentle folk In an uproar
And quite lives up to his bad name,
But do not censure him or say
Ho merits final overthrow.
Remember, he Is drawing pay
For being mean and vile and low.
For when he hires by the year
The manager doth specify
That he shall every night appear
A villain of the deepest dye.
Some fellows you may chance to know
Are Just as cruel every whit
As any villain In tho show
And do not get a cent for It.
Acted the Part.
“My wife is a Daughter of the Revo
lution.”
“I think my wife must be a daughter
of some South American revolution,
judging from her inclination to start
something.”
Their Wants Make Up,
Man wants but little here below.
Perhaps that may be true,
But several ladles that 1 know
Would like a thing or two.
' A Warm Protector,
“The cold never bothers me, although
I appear to be thinly clad.”
“How do you manage it?”
“I wear a sporting extra as a chest
protector.”
1 A Bunko Game.
'Tls better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved, and yet
It seems on figuring the cost
You've paid for what you didn't get.
Had Inside Information.
"It Is nonsense to say that tho shoe
factories havo shut down because of
overproduction. There could not be
such a thing.”
“How do you figure that out?”
. "I know without figuring. X am the
father of thirteen children.”
Changed Her Mind.
Before the two were married
She couldn’t stand a pipe;
She rather liked a good cigar,
A fragrant ten cent snipe.
When they had settled down to bliss
She t .i .ngetl her point of view;
Now ; was helping spend the cash
She .sought a pipe would do.
Had the Last Say,
“The men behind the guns are mak
ing history, if they only knew it.”
“Do you think so? Well, let me tell
you it is the man behind the blue pen
cil that makes it after they have re
tired and are wondering what Is to
come next.”
Her Figure Caught Them.
Her face was'not so pretty,
Her form was nothing great.
And she was rather shy on sense;
But, oh, her figure was immense!
So men eame round to wait
Upon this girl of beauty shy
Whose charms seemed quite a blank
Attracted from all cpiarters by
Her figure in the bank.
wonderfully
. recipients.
High finance does not affect the di
gestion of the man behind tho snow
4fcovel.
A checkbook Is a bandy udjunct to
the library.
Lnr.y people nrp good natured be
cause It Is too much like work to be
otherwise.
A woman of weak sentimentality Is
never so happy as when she Is misera
ble.
It is all n question of %nc with the
mdjney lender.
JpMl Is not gold that glitters, but what
la, the difference If you cannot detect
the imitation?
, Never send a boy to mill, particularly
lf .lt Is a gin mill.
The man who dyes his whlskera
thinks that |e has fooled somebody.
Never try to discover tho ago of o
gift Hon by looking nt Its teeth.
The course of true love runs smooth
when a smooth man courts a rich girl.
It used to be “Ho, for ICnnsas!” but
now It Is necessary to tafco along a
twine binder.
Even the adulterations to the adulter
ations aro sometimes adulterated In
this commercial age.
Can n one armed tnan only love a
girl half as much as a. fellow not thus
afflicted? v-
•It Is fooltBh to losoisleep because the
man next door to-living beyond his in
come. '
A fellow once printed a poem
And called It ‘‘The Beautiful Snow,"
But, hu left no address, and It's lucky, I
guess.
For him that the public don't know
The number and street of his quiet retreat
Or the proper directions to go.
When the weather is way below aero
And drifts are &s high as the trees,
You labor and puff to shpyol the stuff,
Ypur neigh$m Impatient to please;
You wish that ths bard were out In your
yard
At work In tho drifts to hte knees.
It may be that nature Is charming
When dressed In her garments of white,
But when from your noso clear down to
your toes
Jack Frost feels around for a bite
It comes to your mind the poet to find
And tell him you're out for a fight.
For ladles the snow Is alluring
Who have a gallant with a sleigh,
But that kind of talk don't suit those who
walk,
And most of us travel that way;
Which makes It quite hard the man to re
gard
With favor who printed the lay.
Where She Pulled Up.
“His wife drove him to drink.”
“Terrible, isn’t It?”
“Hu thought so. She pulled up tho
horses In front of a soda water foun
tain.”
Time Limit Had Expired.
“You told me you did not drink be
fore we were married.”
“I didn’t drink—before wo were mar
ried.”
Express Yourself.
If you don't like tho slippery way
A single liny bit,
To show you disapprove you may
With ease sit do<vn on it.
Not Seasonable.
"Miss Jennie Is a cold proposition.”
“Then you would better save her for
a summer girl.”
Both Fly.
Whan you are waiting on a girl,
' Alas, time quickly flies,
And when you count the cost you find
That money files likewise.
It Is International.
“Love has n universal language.”
“Yes, Indeed, and it Is expressed In
stocks-and bonds.”
DISTANCE LENDS ENCHANTMBNT.
You lopg to play In gentlo May,
When winter, king of frost, holds sway,
Or sit and spoon In leafy June
To pasa an hour or so away.
When It Is hot, as like as not
You figure snow would touoh the spot,
But let It fly, and soon you cry
The weather mixer should be shot
There Is a charm when safe from harm
Sweet poems on the snow disarm
And calm your
fear, but when
It's near
, You’re apt to view
*1t with alarm.
For eloet and loe
Beam cool apd
nice,
But when you’ve
met them once
or twice
You’d skip away
to Florida
If you but had the needful price.
When frost and rime are In their prime
And cold almost Incites to orlme.
You wonder why you wished them nigh.
And long for good old summer time.
You wish for days when autumn haze
Somewhat obscured the sun's X rays,
Or idly sigh for lost July,
And even August gets your praise.
When You Awake,
X sit and smoke and vaguely dream
And wonder how the thing would seem
If I had wealth galore to blow—
About a million, cold, or so.
I'd buy a modest private yacht,
A cottage In a charming spot.
And for a place to settle down
A handsome brownstone front In town.
Tho plpo that fondly I caress
Would give way to cigars, I guess;
Tffle clothes that dress my manly form
Might serve to keep a vugrant warm.
Tho girls that now reject my suit
Would at my lightest nod salute;
Tho men who pass me on the street
Would Btop' and touch me for a treat.
'Tls sweet to dream and schema and
puff,
But the awakening Is rough..
I wonder how with gronn and doubt
I'll make my seven a week pay out.
'or Home Consumption,
Not I
"Jf9 governments,” said the orator,
working himself Into a frenzy, “derive
their Just (lowers from the consent of
the governed.”
“You should have seen tho sldo show
at our house," observed his small son,
who was In the audience, “when I
sprung that on pa this morning.”
Something Like It,
“They' put their lltffe western town
on wheels and moved it over to the next
township."
“That uppears to have been a case of
second site."
HU Daily Task.
“Has your son a mechanical turn?"
“Well, he makes a train every morn
ing, but sometimes ho has to miss bis
breakfast to do It”
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Any one who thinks that fools and
children tell the truth Is not very inti
mately acquainted with children. '
Marriage is not always war; often It
is an armed truce.
* !
No woman thinks that her picture j
does her justice. !
It is easier for a woman to live with [
a man without u heart than n man I
Without a stomach. !
i
If nature never made a mistake It
would only send earthquakes Into hick
ory nut countries at the time the crop
wus ripe.
Chickens do not always come homo
to roost when a colored man lives a
mile or two down the road.
When a man wants to make a New
Year’s resolution that ho can keep he
swears off swearing off.
If a man has the last word It does
him no good, because the woman Is
asleep by that time.
People who live In glass houses
should pull down tlie blinds.
We cannot take any of our wealth
with us when wo die except the filling
in our teeth.
It must provoke our multobillion-
alres that tho earth is so awkward a
shape for fencing.
To get. tho best results why not put a
corn doctor at the bead of tho agricul
tural department?
Would you call kissing free trade or
reciprocity?
It is a lucky man who can smoke the
year round cigars ns good as thqse his
wife gives him at Christmas.
X'o patent, medicine man takes his .
own medicine. He can afford to hire a '
doctor.
His Medicine.
“How did Clinks settle bis breach of
promise case?”
“He compromised it and married tho
girl.”
”Ah! Thp judge gavo him a life sen
tence and fined him tho amount of bis
pay every Saturday night”
Oh, Woman I
Oh, woman, In our
hour of ease
. You always break
tho spell
By saying, sweet-/
ly, ‘-'Will you;
please
Fetch water from
tho well,
And chop same
kindling wood
up tine,
And bring the clothes In off the line.”
A Chance For Him.
“Would you advise mo to go west
and grow up with the country?” asked
the young man of an Inquiring turn of
mind.
"You might go west and blow up
with it,” replied tho disgusted citizen
who had Just returned from tho cy
clone belt. *
At the Ball
"I wonder If Jock
Will over come back,"
She thought as she smoothed up her,
hair. >
“I told him he couldn’t;
So, now, If ho shouldn’t
rn Just let him know I don’t carq,
“’Twas simply absurd, '<?•
That story ho heard)
It wasn't a bit of It true.
At least not the part
That 'most broke his heart S
And made hint so jealous Of Hugh, r
"Of course I could never,
Although 1 ora Oliver, .
Malco Jack understand about Hugh,
Poor Hugh! He adores me,
Though sometimes he bores me.
But Jack shouldn’t make suoh ado."- ,,
A flip and a flirt
She gavo to her skirt
And fluffed out her bodlee with care;
Her ruffles she shook
And took a last look
And then made her way down the stair*.
Jack chanced to be standing
•Upon tho first landing
With morbid and desolate air.
She tried to lgilore him
In passing before him.
Then let him escort her downstair.
The music was swelling;
Jack's eyes were compelling;
A twostep was Just In full swing.
His arm stole about her;
Oh, how could he doubt herl
And Hugh was forgotten, poor thlngl
It Relieved Her.
“What was your father swearing so
about in the other room a little while
ago?”
“He ■ struck h’s thumb with a ham
mer.”
“Oh, was that all? I was afraid tho
collector had called with my millinery,
bill.”
A Mystery
Cleared.
Tho census man
upW tho
scene
To solve tho
case appears;
He finds that Ann
is sweet six
teen
And has been
for t w e 1 v o
years.
How It Works,
“You married men have a gay old
time when your wives are out of
town.”
“Yes, lu theory, but in actual practice
It keeps us bustling to send them money,
with which to have a gay old time.” j
Spoils the Romance.
The lady in tho spangled tights
Swings gracefully above,
And as you watch her airy flights
You straightway fall.In love.
But when you get a closer view
And more correct advice
You find she has a son or two
And is a grandma twice.