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iTIE OFFICE BOYS.
i “' '■■"
Onoo there wore two Office lloys wlio
Wen- Minor but Essen 11-.1 I’m ,,j of tbo
Wurl:) of M Lnrgb i-.qaliUsluiieni.
Cue} mimed Hill. . • iuIipIiumi by nil
■sports to be ■■■ . Member. The
■; P” •• '"rotitbs that be
*r- . 1,1 ;t '.v.ire Truly
(S* . . I Arl istlci ■)• ho wms not
i • a < . . i Men ! or of
>rJt'v \r tll,! ,Am l-(.'JgnretLe
[ CwYMl fel^olSt .4i« f’urclmscrt
FI fat Editions of all of
tbo Latent Swear
Words as hood ns they
wore Out and wasted
bis Employer's Time
_ ‘Chinning tbo Type
writer. Tbo Other Hoy, Named Char
ley, bail l . en I.lfted Bodily out of u
Sunday School Hook. Uo Const-Ion-
llouHly tried to Advance the Interests
of Ids liinph-ycr, so Bill Geuerously
Allowed him to do Most of the Work.
Bill Always carried a Supply of Of
fice ronells In Ills Pockot to present
to bis Young I.aily Friends who wero
Acquiring an education, but Charley
was Scrupulously Honest and would
not take ii Canceled Cuban Postage
Stamp but of tlie Waste Basket with
out first Asking Permission,
The nature of their work Brought
them In Close Contact with tbe Boss,
a large, wise mail who could Recog
nize Mi-rlt n Block Away, From Time
to JTlme Charley Offered
8Uggcsiiphs about Con-
dmtb.g the J’.usliioss,
but Bill didn’t enro what
Happened to tlio Firm
so long ns It did not
Fall Before Pay Dny.
When they had Grown
Taller and Merited Pro
motion, the Boss called
BUI Into his Ollloo nnd
snld: "William, you are
Young, but n Good .lolller. So I am
going to Try you On tbo Bond Selling
to the Trado. If You Mnko Good, tliero
is ROOT a Year nnd Expenses In It.”
Bill Betlrod to figure on tho Possi
bilities of the Bxpenso Account, nnd It
was Charley’s Turn. "Charles," snld
tho Boss, with a Kindly Smile, "Your
Long and Faithful Services Deserve
ltecognltion. You are promoted to Run
tho Klovator.”
Moral.—Virtue Is Its Own Reward,
•nd that Is About All that it Gets.
When u woman Bays nothing it is not
because she has nothing te say.
Some people appeur to talk volumes
.Id the hope of saying a bright thing
tome time.
I People fnll down because they can’t
fnTiiip, ’
j A valentine by any other name might •
j be the basin fpr a breach of promise or
I a libel .efisec
) Children Wive qul^e well defined no>
I tlons as to wlmt parents should not
know.
Accident Insurance policies should
renlly bo made justcr wi
to cover possible VFEEyiiOr
divorce.
Birds of a
feather flock to
gether because
they cannot flock
separately.
The present generation of children
appeur to be. turning out a race of well
disciplined pnreuts.
An engaged man is one who Is per
mitted to dnneo attendance on n girl
until IiIh successor has been elected.
When truth Is disagreeable It Isn’t
the fault of truth
Silence Is a good weapon when prop
erly used.
Where a blusterer bas tho advantage
Is In the fact that a man does not have
to make good more than half of his
bluffs.
Tho way to turn an honest penny Is
not Into tho slot machines.
There Is generally n selfish rnotlvo for
unselfishness.
When your tailor secures judgment
against you it is a case of tbe survival
pf the mlsfittest
One swallow doefl not make a sum
mer, but it makes a spring when some
boy heaves a rock at it
• A Foregone Conclusion.
Just ask a girl of thirty-sight ,..
If she would care to spllco; *
‘ For her reply you need not wait
I Nor ask tho question twlco. i
« They Need Protection.
. “Whnt aro you going to do with tlio
rest of that pie'/"
"Give it to the doff.”
"Don’t you know there to a society
for tho prevention of cruelty to ani
mals?” '
A Slight Reservation.
“So Jenkins lost everything when he
failed?"
“Yes. All was lost but honor and
what be had In bis wife’s name.”
Misses One Trial
True, Moses was tha meekest man
Perhaps that ever was.
But than It never was his lot , ,
To drop a nickel In the slot j.. j...
And get the busy buss. , j’tjj].
— eP&Sfc
By One Point
"Tray was « good dog.”
"Yes, but Four 8pot was better."
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
It seems queer that doctors should
choose to go to health resorts when
they take a vacation.
People who are always right may be
the most admirable, but tbey arc very
uncomfortable people to live with. r
Tho woman who refrains from say
ing "I told you so” has wonderful self
control.
Polso is that quality that says to all
comers that superiority is a thing with
which you have not a speaking ac
quaintance.
Beauty Is a veneer that la p.ut on at
so much a square Inch by the beauty
culturlBts.
Love may have been born blind, but
he lias had several eye openers since.
Lazy people are uol afraid of over
work. They know that for them It Is
harmless.
Want Is a counselor that talks to
attentive ears.
Argument has no Show when desire
comes before tbe footlights.
The best things in tbe world ore
those that are given away.
Nobody likes to be used as a stepping
stone by his friends.
Borne people are such bad misfits that
they wear corns on the dispositions of
their friends and relative.
‘l A bore *« n fellow, who doesn’t know
tf ;u It is i k.io to change and sinoi.e
•bother bruuci.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Never send a boy to mill If be can
Just ns well bo plowing while you look
after the soft snap.
It is a wise doctor who tells n blch
patient tlmt he has bruin fag.
Perhaps tbo woman who did not
write the letter tlmt never enmu was
waiting for Uncle Sum to have u bar
gain sale of slumps.
One • way to
get even with a
mean landlord is
to buy your son
n toy hatchet.
Goal dealers
think wo are
wasting one of
the best purls of the earth In not set
tling the territory around the north
pole.
When he wunts to prove that he Is
civilized Mr. Lo proceeds to have a high
old time.
It tickles u umu to bo mentioned for
president, but he cannot borrow money
on Hint.
The-man ivjio tells a He when the
truth would do ns well mny only be
keeping himself in practice.
It is Niiiprlsiug liow suddenly a fust
young tnnn will, slow up when his mon
ey is gone.
It is one of .the surprises of life to
find how quickly a girl will say yes to
tho man who bus been trying for six
months to get up courage to ask her.
When It Wei Cold,
Call this cold?
Little, old,
Mild.
Mellow winter llko this? Why, child.
You must bo wild.
Of course Jnok Frost pokes
Tender folks
A few Jabs of tho mildest sort
Just for sport,
Blit thnt doesn’t prove
Thut It 1h cold enough to move
South. Yes, 1
It may cause somo distress
To lose an ear; 1
But, dear
Me.
We
Thought such things nothing at oil
When I was small
And wo had
Bad, .
Hard, j ,
All wool and a yard
Wide ’ • •
Winters that really tried
To live up to the name
And be garnet
Great Chris I
.We'd go barefoot In weather like this
Or stay inside and smoko
To avoid a eunstroko.
In those good old
Dnys when It was cold
You knew It without consulting the
papers to see -
If It was one degree
Colder than yesterday.
Bay,
When It was cold
- You didn't need to he told
By
Some wise guy
Who was drawing pay.
You knew it every moment of the
day.
m
Like Ajl of tbe
Others.
“We had great
hopes that John
would do some
thing original,
but he has sad
ly disappointed
us.”
"What has
happened now?”
"He hag In
vented a dying
machine."
They Had Fooled Him.
What are the wild waves saytngf
I really do not know.
But I have seen enough of thorn
To bet It Isn't so.
Oi the Binder Tribe.
Candidate—Send Baraga out into tfet
rural districts. He Is one of our best
■pdll binders.
Campaign Manager—Judging from
the price he asks I would toko him
tor a highbinder.
Fishing Is a peculiarly attractive
sport in a prohibition state.
Every woman thinks her husband
would bo n winner It he just bad a
little more self assertiveness.
In Japan they do not use the kiss as
a snlutc, nnd yet they are trying to
make the world think they aro civ
ilized.
If you live ta a flat perhaps when
opportunity knocked at your door It
couldn't gut. past the janitor.
When n drummer turns the other
check It is probably because that cheek
la tho harder of the two.
The Bets We Overlooked.
Wo ponder o'er our wasted years,
Our follies and our sins;
At times are all but moved to tears
As backward memory spins.
The many times that In the stew
Our gosling has been cooked
Wo scarce can count as we review
The hots we overlooked.
There Is the girl we might have wed
When wo were young and fresh;
Another follow got ahead
And caught her In tils mesh.
Her father’s millions number three;
She as his heir Is booked;
nils must bo charged to, thus you s*«
The bets wo overlooked.
One time a fellow came around
With tempting mining stock
To let us In right on the ground *
At twenty cents a block.
We did not follow with our dough
When he his finger crooked;
It’s listed high and with also
The bets we overlooked.
The worthy things that we have missed
Or lightly tossed away
Would make, we feel assured,, a list
From Denver to Bombay.
The worthless things on whloh we spent
Our money right along
That never brought us In a cent
Would make a list ob long.
It Is easy to love art for art’s sake
when there Is money In It
It takes the stomach and the pocket-
book some iveoks to recover from
Christmas.
A doctor Is apt to be out of patience
when he Is out of-patients.
When a man is just living to save
funeral expenses the neighbors would
often chip- in if they knew his reason
fpr hanging around.
It Is not a very wise son thut docs .
not know more than his futher.
In these days pf tipping you even
have to tip tho scales If yon expect
them lo tell your weight.
People who have money to burn don’t
have to. They can nfford to buy coni.
A wise man will not toneb n girl to
skate unless be Is engaged to her or
expects to be.
Clocks aro great on the strike, but
fortunately they never strike for an
eight hour day.
Some men are hotter than others be
cause they arc not found out.
One thing provoking about tbe new
nnd costly metal radium Is that it will
not Uo to fill teeth.
It Is the farmer with a pretty daugh
ter who hns no trouble In keeping his
hired men.
Do tho Chinese, after all, follow ways
thnt are dnrk or ways that are yellow?
Tho fact that bo many of their states
men wear monocles goes to prove that
tho English cannot appreciate n joko.
There arc monkeys who might feol
slnndercd If they were charged with
being the ancestors of some men.
The fanny part of It Is that a man
thinks that be means all of the things
that he tells a girl before he marries
her.
After a man Is dead the doctors gen*
orally agree to that fact.
Silence Is often more exasperating
than the most violent opposition.
When a man loses bis temper he Is
apt to find somo other person’s temper.
A cheap skate Is a poor thing any way
you tnko it.
Nobody’s dog always has a kick com
ing.
Somo women who would like to have
an auto are waiting until the ten men
begin giving them awny with a pound
of tea.
Cause of It.
"The climate of Alaska is not half as
bad as we had supposed. It Is much
Warmer than the early explorers led ub
to believe.”
"Possibly Dawson City Is such a hot
town that it bias bad a modifying effect
•a tiie climate.”
The Easiest Way,
"I did not know you were sick."
"I’m not"
"But I saw yon talcing patent medl
efaie.”
"Haven’t I got as good a right as any
om to have my picture in the paper?"
High Something.
To paint with care tha steads tall
That towers o'er town ana mart
And never loss your grip and fitB
May well be called high art
Made a Difference,
"What time does the 8:80 train come
tsT
■ "Why, at 8:30, yon dunce!”
"No, I mean by your-watch 1”
What it Lacks.
li I possessed a war cloud
I think I'd know enough
Te pump it full of water
So it could make a bluff.
The District School Debate.
They sit around with aerlous mien.
Keep tab on all material facts,
And with a Judgment young but keen
Bean carefully all publlo acts,
And In a manner quite
offhand
They settle the affairs
of state
At thin great forum of
the land—
The country district
school debate.
The tariff and free
trade as well
Are in the balance
nicely weighed,
And underneath the
speaker's spell
Bach one receives Its
proper grade.
The Jury, an Impartial
band.
Metes out to eaoh Its
well earned fate
At this great forum of
the land—
The country, district school debate.
And every question, great and small
Receives attention In Its turn.
To make their point the speakers call
A spade a spade with no concern.
For all Is earnestness
Intense;
Each bends the orator
to hear;
All for the time are In
suspense
Save who are spoon
ing In tbe rear.
And thus they meet
and thus debate.
And who shall say
they do not deal „
Aa sagely with affairs
of state
As statesmen do with problems real?
And maybe In their homely way
They reaoh oosoluslono for more just
Than able congressmen who may
Draw Inspiration from a trust.
Is He Guilty.
*1 don't believe that Clyde Fitch Is as
young a man as he claims to be.”
"Why not?”
“Well, we have to solve the mystery
«S to who wrote Shakespeare’s plays In
■km way.”
One Difference.
A woman and a phonograph
Are different In this thing:
To make the former chatter
You need not wind the spring.
It Fold Him.
“I um proud to l>e known as a friend
dl the people,” said the congressman
who was on the otnmp for re-election.
“No credit to you,” commented a
constituent of the opposite political
fttlth. "You are drawing a salary for
It”
j
Matter oi Opinion.
A fool there was, and hespent his cash
(Even as you or I)
; For a book of verse that was half of It
trash
! (B’uch as the neighbors buy).
Oh, the coin we waste and the wretched
taste
We exhibit. If nothing worse.
When we wildly rant o'er an author's
cant
Because he can swear in verse.
When a girl hns been mimed Gladdls,
by h-t'ing very careful she can live It
flown. —
whnt kind of love
i'P by looking at
You never
loih-rs a than v.i
hlui.
lu norite-
p. vi n woul.-i u
painty a nma-
taefc on her up
per I!;,. -lit some
coup triers the
girls find a mus
tache there willi-
out resorting to
{irt, ,
Wouldn’t this
proposition to tax bachelors be a sort
ol' a single tax?
It Isn't good form to ask a reformer
wluit there Is In It for him.
One way to win famo Is for two men
lo get together oil somo kind of an ism
and nominate them'elves for president
mill vice president.
Hens- will not have to work so many
hours n itny If tho no breakfast fad be
comes general.
Weather prophets would not make so
many mistakes If tbey wero entitled to
three guesses.
A Low Neck Affair.
“Are you going to tho ball?”
“I have nothing to wear.”
“That will be great. Tbe other wom
en win die of envy.”
GRBAT WAS THE SHOCK.
J. Aetor Scott was city bred,
A fashion plate and
hotel fed.
J. Aetor, too. was
wise,
And, like your stand
ard city man,
He thought things fin
ished and began
In town before his
eyes.
J. Astor really meant
no harm
In scoffing at the men
who farm,
But ho would have his Joke.
And hayseeds, to hts mind, well dons.
Were proper subjects, too, for fun—
They wero amusing folk.
Ho knew Just how the rural Jay
Cut capers In the new mown hay
And scampered through tho wheat, ?
How he affected cowhide Bhoes
And held peculiar, ancient views
. Gleaned from his rural sheet.
He also knew the country maid
Tied up her tresses In one braid
And wore a gingham gown,
And that the country boy was crude '
And awkward and of manner rude.
Not Ilka the lads In town.
J. Astor was a city child— f
He'd never been out In the wild. S? •
One day he strayed afield
And bumped into a telephone,
A swell piano, pure In tone,
A buggy cushion wheeled.
The dally papers were at hand,
' The magazines lay on a stand—
The boys were all wall read.
The farmer’s ehln was neatly shaved,
Tho daughters stylish, well behaved—
J. Astor Scott fall deed.
An Afterthought.
“Our constitution is the greatest doc
ument that was ever written.”
“Doubt!osb, but the authors of it
overlooked one thing. They should
have provided that a man was entitled
to a fair trial by a jury of his peers be
fore being run over by an automobile.”
A Discovery.
This thing a man- learns os he Journeys
through life;
That a dear little girl makes a dear little
wife;
When the bills start to coma and hs totals
tha sum
He finds he must pay tar his sweat sugar
plum.
Knew When He Was Well Off.
"Let me sell you some hair restorer.
Three bottles aro guaranteed to cause
• luxurious growth on the baldest
head.”
"No, thanks,” said tho baldheaded
one, turning to his wort, "1 am a mar
ried man."
Bread on the Veter.
Don’t thirls tho poltitclsel
la hunt of different clay
And that bccausa he loves yon
He given cigars away.
For you mny guess thnt ho Intends
To have that smoke pa] dividends.
Easy For ifim.
"The tailor Is an example of tile
■urvlval of the fittest”
"Judging from the way he charged I
see no reason why he shouldn’t sur
vive.”
HI* Buiy Season,
When In the dreary winter
No eggs are In the pot,
The coal man's laying for you
If the hens are not.