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Zhe ®>ro0ve88
Publshed Every Thursday.
H 1) SMITH, Editor ami Publisher
Ku'.orod at the iWoilluo in Vienna
Uu., as second-class mail matter.
PERT PARAGRAPHS,
You inislit well guess that it would
be n cold day when it thief would steal
n hot stove.
At n whist congress there Is no posi
tion of honor for the speaker.
Many greut nten cannot spell, but It
does not follow that all who cannot
spell aro great.
In a restaurant where the service Is
Slow the patron often thinks thut If
things' wore called by their right names
ho would be termed tbo waiter.
In sending literature to a condemned
murderer do not bother about Including
n treatise on how to live 100 years.
It Is no time to ask n man for a favor
when he Is breaking In n new pair of
shoes.
Weather that kills the winter wheat
has no effect on the ragweed.
When n man’s work compels him to
get up at 4 o'clock In the morning, he Is
in no mood to nnnroclato tho sunrise.
Adversity applied regularly three
times u day Is tho greatest euro In tho
world for swelled head.
Btrango to suy, the knights of rest do
not enjoy life If they buvo to put. in
their nights resting.
' It Is a mutter of geography whether
a hnllllght or a prize light is consid
ered the more brutnl,
There Is grim satisfaction to the man
who is wearing an Imitation diamond
When lie meets n holdup man.
Extract of kindness Is n good lotion
for strained relations.
When a young man frequents a flor
ist’s and tho confectioner’s It Is pretty
good evldonco thut thcro 1b something
doing.
A Cure For a Cold.
A cold in tho head
Is lmrdly a treat—
Eyes swollen and red,
Nose puffed Uko a beet.
To add to your woes,
Now hard to endure,
Each wiseacre knows
A dead certain
cure.
Just poultice your
chest
And bandage
your head,
Or tnke a long\/
rest, -
Tucked snuglv
in bed;
Or maybe, Ih
say,
It's saf,n
try
The old 'er.i-.-1
’ way
And till up on
rye
rn taki’k,
%)
/
It’s certainly strange
That some who don't know
Enough to make change,
Or keep a straight row,
Or Idly pound sand,
Or ompl.y sacks hold,
Con tell you offhaml
What's good for a cold.
They nay soak
your feet
Ami take catnip
tea;
One meal only aat
In place of the
three,
Or tuko a few
drops
Of dope twice a
day;
Homo nostrum that
stops
A cough, the
bills say.
Oh, dear, and oh, pshaw!
Alas and alack 1
There should be a law
To lot you get back
At all of this crow;
It’s no moro than fair
To murder a fow;
There's plenty to spare.
Heroic Treatment.
"Bo enroful how you handle money.
It Is swarming with microbes."
"Let’s take all we can And out and
burn It In self protection."
Naturally,
"Ho Is going to deliver a lecture on
prize lighting."
"Of course, then, ho will handle the
subject with gloves."
Not Always Cash,
To say that tlmo Is money
Will not exactly stick
Closo to the truth, because, forsooth,
You got It from tho clock on tlok.
No Shyness There,
"Miss Bessie Is so shy.”
“Possibly, but I have noticed that
she don't shy at an oyster stew.”
It Was Coming to Him,
'“Aldormnn .Toblots lias gone back to
bis ward for Indorsement.’’
"Then bo has gone to his reward, for
they nro on to him.”
Take No Chances,
You'd think. Just to observe them,
Some members of t’ » wee
Might fear to strll - In awhile
Lest It should cracl: tholr face.
Up to Date.
‘Is the general's voice still for wart"
“No, but bis typewriter is.”
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
A wluk Is us good as thirteen type
written pages to a drug clerk.
There nro men who think that pro
hibition Is a mighty good thing so long
as It doeB not prohibit.
It makes it hard to live In tho same
town with a man when two girls are I
In love with him at ono time. \
A man never forgets his first love,
particularly If he marries her.
You can prove It by the tiddler that
those who dance sometimes forget to i
pay him. I
Tho microbe is no respecter of per- I
sons. I
Winter always
m u k o s a hit
when it packs
its trunk.
Some men keep
out of debt be
cause nooue will,
trust them.
Tho breast of the goose bone must
have taken a course In physical culture
last summer.
Whnt a Joke the microbes mnst have
considered It on the human race dur
ing all tho thousands of years In which
they were not discovered.
How hnppy tho mule would bo If he
could kick like some men whose daily
conversation It la his misfortune to bo
obliged to listen to.
Profit without honor does not profit
n man In tho long run.
Altogether It Is more satisfactory to |
have the last word with a woman In i
your mind. j
Work is one of tho things to which j
distance lends several lclndB of en- j
ebantment. '
DOUBTFUL IMPROVEMENT,
I cannot fully understand
Whv charming llltln Cupid.
Who Is most always wise ana bland,
v jit times ’should !>•' so stupid;
That ho should often make a miss
When aiming with Ills dart at bliss.
If ho. in laying
out Ills task. ’ v ' KO
Would counsel *^£*“*© AND
with the 'Ctfrjhji 9 MR
neighbors. ’*
He’d get such
hints as ho
might aBk
And lighten
thus his la
bors.
They would with
ploasuro
put him
wise
To soveral things
that might
surprise.
Consider, e’er you change the thing,
That Cupid’s way of doing
Perhaps as good results may bring
As any kind of wooing.
Ho may not at his trade excel,
But could the neighbors do as well?
Alas, I fear results would be
As thin as hydrant water,
For never could the friends agreo
Which Bon should wed which daughter.
Though little Cupid blunders so,
At least he lias results to show.
Some Other Faults,
"Maud declares she will not marry
a ninn who smokes.”
"She may change her mind after she
has sized up the men who don’t.”
A Successful Failure.
“So ho was a failure In business.”
“No; ho was a glittering success."
"But you said lie failed.”
“Yes, for a million.”
Lasts Forever.
When all else as an Issue falls.
When every other subjeot pales,
The tariff wo may forward bring,
Although shopworn, still In the ring.
It has this thing to recommend—
One does not have a year to spend
In hunting facts and figures now.
Tho ones our grundslres used will do.
Not the Price of One.
“I fear Jenkins is leading a double
life.”
“Hardly. Ho only gets S12.50 »
week.”
Her One Pet.
She did not want a parrot near,
. A cat she held In sc 'rn,
But she had one pet that was. dear—
A very tender corn.
Some Mistake,
“Hero Is a man 100 years old who 1
never smoked, chewed or drank."
“I’ll bet he can’t show the records,
of his birth."
Mokes a Difference,
“Do you think that majorities are-
always right?"
“Yes, if I happen to bo with 1 lie ma
jority.” .
You Have Met Him.
Though morrlment may bubble o’er.
Though laughter he may spill.
A man may smile, and smile some more
And be a dentist still.
Progression.
Her name was simply Mary Cline,
Until her father struck a mine,.
And thjn to fit tho family tree.
She had it altered to Marie.
Takes No .Chances. i
"I never Icicle a man when he is (
down.”
"Aro you afraid he might have n
brick in his pocket?”
They Were Alike,
"Simpkins’ word Is as good as his
note."
"You are right. I would as soon have
one as the other.”
A Vain Regret.
“It must he terrible to die rich.”
"Yes, Indeed, your dying hours would'
be so embittered thinking of the time
you might have had blowing the monr
ey.”
WINNBR AND LOSER! ■
Our posies, praises and our pelf
We lavish on the winner;
Select the swellest from the shelf-’
When serving him with dinner,.
But for tho man who also ran
Wejonly have a bright new can. '
The gentleman who wins success—
That Jewel sweet, but fickle—
We make a note of his address,
His ribs w'e slyly tickle.
As to the wight who In the fight
Gets downed, we know him not by sight.
That prince of men who takes the prig*
Finds friends to fawn and flatter;
To tell him ho Is wondrous wise
And weighted with gray matter;
But for the lout who loses out,
Pray, who can find the time to shout?
The man who lands with both his feet
Ou fertuas’s firm foundation
Finds daily offering to treat
The best half of the nation.
As to the guy with two spot high.
Wc never speak as we pass by.
Theory and Practice.
Though he protests with tongue and pen
That shedding Joy Is swoet,
Will ono who loves his fellow men
Balse prunes for them to eat?
y He Was Industrious.
“She has ha4 thirty proposals In tho
last month.”
"Thirty I She must be an exceeding
ly popular young lady.”
“But they are all from the same man.’*
General
j, j. COOPEH, Proprietor
If you are on a
Rural Free Delivery
Mail Route
UNCLE SAM SAYS
That you must have a
BOX
That is approved by the Postmaster General. If you
get your mail on the R. F. D., We have for sale one of
■861*5?
on the market; latest approved by the Postmaster