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The Search-Light. BAIN BRIDGE, MARCH 16,1901. llnmor. Some recent. Jokes from Madrid, fir ing HD Idea of contemporaneous Span ish luitnor: “But why do you marry so poor a woman?” ‘.To re7Pnge myself. ! have suffered much In this world.” "Ah, I understand—an unhappy love affair.’’ “No. I am marrying n poor woman to make my creditors ravel” • fled eon goes to confer with the presi dent of the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “\Vl:ot do you wntif ?V "I desire to tie protected. My wife treats me like u dog.” f Medical consultation: “How do’ you Itud me, doctor?" “Very tiad. You are worn out. and It >3 niTcsHury that you give up nil head ' work.” "TUnt would ruin me. doctor. Don’t you know I’m a harbor?” Among women friends: "Now I am sure thut Ernesto wants to marry me.” ■ "What ground have you for saylug thin?" “I’ve noted Hint Ernesto begins to be unnhle to stand mamma.”—Mexican ’ Herald. Wrllls* ns Ail. Did yon ever stop to think, yon who rend the advertisement hi the newspa pers. Just wbnt It means to get up the “ad.” every day for n big department store? The mini lu charge usually bus a staff of assistants, who arc assigned to certain departments of the store eneb day. They must familiarise them- solved with the stock of these depart ments, while the manager of the ad vertising department himself Is sup posed to keep thoroughly In touch with the entire stock of the store. Hu writes the general Introduction to the 1’erslflugi—-Henr about Jpues? Terri ble thing happened to Jones. Th* Bn*llsknian Caught Os, I Be*nllla* Childhood. AH Englishman on bis tlrst visit to " r hee. my little son could scarcely this city with his family strolled down walk. «nye Rev, C. T. Brady, a west- Broadway alone one ulght and dropped evu missionary, 1. took him to the into a music ball. He had hardly I .ecu cathedral one. day. when I returned stated before t.vo sketch artists perpe-1 fo* something t hud, forgotten after tinted the following: ) morning service. - |. 1 left the child In the nnve. and ■ when I went back to him‘he had ad- Badinage— No. ! vanced half way up the middle aisle Persiflage-Yes. He dropped 3.10 feet, nud was sta tiding whore the sun threw Badinage—You don’t tell me? Of a golden light about his curly head, course he was killed? | A tiny object he was la that great Persiflage—No, not killed. They were church. . _ pigs’ feet. j It was very stilt. He was looking A half hoar Inter the Briton grasped about 111 cvery ( direction in the most his sides and startled the house with curious and eager way. To my fancy an outburst of cachlnatory ecstasy. He- he seemed like a little angel when ho covering, he Jumped up, hurried out of said lu his sweet, childish treble, which the music linll and soon reached his bo- echoed and re-echoed beneath the tel. He shopped outside the doos of his vaulted r<of: room nnd gave way again to n soul stir-1- “Papa, where’s Jesus?' Where’s rtug laugh. Entering .the room he Im- 1 Jesus?” mediately culled to bis wife: “Edith,” he cried. “Oh. tills Is the Jol- llest ever!” and he gave way ngalu. lie had been told that the church was the bouse of the Saviour, and on this, his first, visit he expected to see His wife looked at him lu frightened his Lord, surprise. | That baby Is quite grown up now. “Oh, Edith, did you ever hear about Not lu the faintest particular does he Percy Km I there?” j resemble an angel. The other day. "No.” I when 1 rode off to the wars, he aston- “Bab Jove, the poor fellow fell 350 : jghed even me with this request: I “Pap^, If you get wounded, don’t for- “Hew dreadfully horrid! ne must get to bring me the bullet that knocks have been awfully mangled." | you out. I want It for a souvenir for "No. He fell on 330 pigs." and he ex- my collection.” plodcrl again nnd dill uot subside until | Fortunately for me, If unfortunately a half dozen boll boys rushed -to his f 0 r him, I brought him no bullet room to make solicitous Inquiries. New York Sun. How Water Cnn«e* a Fire. One would linrdly believe that a bot tle of water standing harmlessly on a table could be tbe cause of a fire. Nevertheless sueli Is the case. In my laboratory the other duy I detected tbe odor of burning wood and, seeking the cause, noticed a tiny wreath of smoke rising from the counter. Setting aside a flask of water that stood close by I sponged over the bbrnlng spot with a damp cloth. Shortly after 1 again de tected the odor of burnlug wood, when, to my surprise, I discovered another burning spot on the table close to tbs water flask. The flask was standing lu the suullght, thereby concentrating Raising tke Fre. In that particular year It happened that the national political convention of which wp are speaking was held in some other town than Chicago, and the place was crowded. This Is how It came to pas^ thnt Colo nel Hanktliunder, who weut merely as n prominent citizen of the republic and had not token the precaution to engage a room beforehand, found himself^hut out of the hotels and compelled to choose lodgings from a list of eligible private dwellings. . The woman of the house near the corner of Fish street and Potato ave nue, the first residence at which he called, showed him the only room she had to spnre. “That suits me, inn’nm,” he said. i T'— Vardl my) the CrltlM, No outsiders, hot even members of' the press, were allowed to be present' at’ rehearsals of Verdi’s operas. “A production of a work of mine,” said l Verdl r “is an affair between that work j and the public, 1 do not write fpr the. ■ press, but fee tbe public, who will sup- 1 p&rt nui If mf work Is‘good or who will execute mo if It is no(. . 1 do not. car.e for aught else.” M. de Nevers thus de- • Bcrlljos VerdPh attitude at a dress re hearsal Of "Otello” lu Parts, when the I press was present against bis wishes: I “The critics wore all placed In tile corliollle of the amphitheater, some ten rows of stulls having been cleared ' away, to make room for a' table and chairs for . Verdi, Bolto and tbe direct ors.' MM. Snrdou, Mellhnc, Halevy, l Ohin, tbe director of line arts, find 1 two or three dignitaries slid officials of | the Opera sat behind In the reuialuiug rows of stalls. Among tbe critics were MM. Beyer, Brunehu,' Join-lores, Bel- lnigue, Pessnrd, Corneau nud Sarcey. The foreign press was represented by M. de Blowltz nnd myself, and as Ver di came lii all stood up, with hats’off, and cheered the wonderful umn. The orchestra Joined, of course, In the ova tion, and It was to the musicians that the master went and, bowing his ven erable head very low, be thanked them for the kind demonstration and shook hands with the nearest, but never once did he turn our way except for one mo ment when he took us all in with a side glnuce—an ugly one—and then for the rest of the evening, some five boars, Ignored our presence completely.” advertisement each day nnd edits the , ..... copy turned In to him by bis assistants, | rays to n fo< |«8 on tlie top of the '•.tst ns an editor handles the copy of ' ’ °* act “ s “ 8 cdat ' “ 8 n l>u *' nln S "How much will It cost me for board Ms reporters. I f ni8 ’ A handful °r highly combustl- nud Iod In hero for tbo nest four "Just as much care Is taken with 1 , bU ‘ ‘ hl n °' vu , ovur bur “’ days?” this matter os though It were so much 8po *’ catching Ore almost Irnmedl-. “Well,” s p e answered, This Is not n niperlshnlile literature/’ said the ad-1 tt ? y ' ..... regular boarding bouse, and I am only srtlsing manager of a big department , 1 c . 0 , * , ™ uc f lner ,- v 08 a warn- taking boarders because I Want to ed- ore. "You sometimes hear of a fa- ,0 trombus anil apothecaries, who m-ute my boy for a lawyer. 1 shall .ous author spending hours over one ! 1,ny . u “ t cnslly a Are may have to charge you $0 for tho four nragrnph, writing It and rewriting It be In their storerooms by tho days.” > get the best nud strongest effect. 8Un shining through bottles, flasks and “Madam,” loftily rejoined the colonel, ou wouldn't think that would be nee- ^lrbova converting them for taking out his poeketbook, “you will tsary lu writing an advertisement, “ K ’ * 11,0 b<ug ‘ n *° •’urulng glasses o( never eduente your boy for a lawyer, by great |Hiwer. I hove In mind uow the Instnnco of a fire originating In a storeroom from this cause.—New York Times. at it Is. My assistants sometimes lend an hour over one sentence. There mere science In writing an mdver- smneut that will bring results than lerlmps In any other form of compo- .tlou.”—Philadelphia Record. giving snob an example ns thnt. I will pay you $10.”—Chicago Tribune. Trnfalstar Hats. The year 1803 was a memorable one, * on Oct. “1 was fought and gained io battle of Trafalgar, and then, as >w, fashion complimented heroes by -vising toilets named In their honor. i Nelson was commemorated by a it—the ’Tnifnlgar”—and every wo- au and child adopted tbe wondrous rut-tare, which would outdo even v headgear of the present day. for me bats were of enormous width d breadth, something of tbe star of a and table, and so loaded with plumes at the wearers must have looked all at—Gentleman's M Agasi ne. Qtsestlon of Ownership. "Need of counsel? Come up and let e Introduce you to my luwyor.” ‘ “Your lawyer? Do you own a law- rr T-or-well, no, certainly not He . us mo."—New York Press. m.mvvrti atoms. The old idea that the body some- nes needs a powerful, drastic, pttrg- vu pill lias been exploded; for Dr. ig’s New Life Pills,‘which are per tly harmless, gently stim date liv- ttnd bowels to expel poisonous tier, cleanse the system and abao- tdy cure constipation and sick id nolle. Oulv 25o at U. L. Hicks’s tig store. Jack’s Account of It. i One of .Uncle Sam’s able seamen, who was In an. “Owl” train that wns wrecked, thus described bis experience: i “It wns n little after two bells this morning and I was smoking uiy pipe In tbe ‘Owl’s’ stern galley. The first . .. , .... thing I knew of any happening was , hls , dwUh ’* " as her , habit to remark when I was. thrown violently from my *° ohnnce vla,tor8 ’ wltUout looking out Not Second Sight. In happenings that savor.of the su pernatural there Is often less rntbei than more than Is “dreamt of In philos ophy." * lu the English county of Wiltshire there lived n woman whose dec-eased husband had been a pig dealer. After Marshall's Absentmindedness, One day Judge Marshall, engrossed In his reflections, was driving over the wretched roads of North Carolina on his,way to Raleigh in a stick gig. His horse turned out of the road, and the sulky rau over a sapling and Was tilted so as to arouse the judge. Wbon he - found thut be could move neither to right nor left, an old negro, who bad I come along, solved the difficulty, i "My old msrster.” he aHked, “what for you don’t hock your horse?" 1 ’That’s true," said tbe judge, and he acted as advised. Thanking bis dellv- I erer heartily, be felt In bis pocket for some change, but be did not have any. “Never mind, old man,” he said. T shall stop at the tavern and leave some j money for you with the landlord.” Tbe old negro won not Impressed with the stranger, but be called at the tavern and asked the keeper if an old gentlemou had left anything there for him. | “Oh. yes.” raid the landlord, “he left a silver dollar for you. What do you think of that old gentlemnn?” The nugro gazed at the dollar and said: i "He was a gem’man, for sho*. but”— | patting his forehead—"he didn’t have ‘ much In here.”—World's Work. sent. Aftpr the pitching nud Jumping had stopped. I crawled out nnd saw that the steering genr of the ’OwP had been carried away, causing her to port amidships. The nfter eud listed badly to starboard and wont aground, throw ing all hands In a heap to the listed side. No lives were lost, however. tbe window: "That’s a nice, lot of young pigs, those.” “Where?” the person present was sure to ask. “Oomln down the road.” won tbe In- variable reply. "They're In a ' cart, and, what’s more, there’s a flue fat though all were badly shaken up and 80 7 “ n ' 0,ls c,n ; somewhat damaged. One uulucky pas- Au<1 “ would not be long before n senger bunted the glass out of a port- c * rt would appear and In It a litter of hole, cutting her bend nud face quite p ss dnJ nmong thein the ^w which bndly. After wigwagging the craft t,M? wou,nn bad perceived at such a coming up behind to chnnge her course, d * 8,nu< ’° up *be road. One day a vis- the forward end c-f our craft picked up ,tor ’ wbo saw In this exhibition an tho passengers and crew and continued evl(,ouce of second sight, exclaimed: her voyage. As for me. I will be glad “ How do you do It? It Is simply won- when 1 am sare aboard the Albatross derfl,1! " again. This cruising overland Is too ** ” r,,ln ‘ t 00 miracle.” was the modest rough and choppy for me.”—Argonaut rt ‘ p,y - “ I vc J ust * ot my ear tratued , — | to pigs—that’s all.” Poor William. j —. She (petulantly)—1 don’t see why yon should hesitate to get married ou (3,- BO YEARS* EXPERIENCE Patents TRADC MARKS i Demons ■ Coov msi rrs Ac. I s ikttefc and SMertaOon m; onr Million fn» wUSW u aSlf MunuMn. Cmmonlen. ■MRWtafllHF on PMnou Orona InaratltBde. Ellzobctl) Cady Btantou used to tell 00O a yi-ar. Papa says my gowns never *be story of a bnnd of good women cost more than that | who furnished the means for educat- He—But my darling, we must have ,n g a poor young man for the ministry, something to eat. | who rewarded their kindness and self “Oh, William! Always thinking of 8f >crlflce by preaching bis first sermon your stomach!”—Life. i from the text “Let your women keep i-Vin-erntl itrati. I silence lu the churches." i The vetcral editor of the Golden ' Somewhat similar was the expert-! (Colo.i Transcript, who hates n Unr as ence of Editor Cadby of the Wliaug- he hates n delinquent subscriber, and vtlle I’ntrlot He tells it In this wise: who uses only the old reliable George Washington brand of truth In bis business, fathers this strange 6tory: ”A Isirlmer county farmer lost a cow lu n very queer mnmier Inst week. The auiiunl lu rummaging through a summer kitchen found aud swallowed ail old utnhrelln and a cake of yeast. The yeast, fermeutlng In the poor Is-nst’s stomach, raised the umbrella, aud she died In great agony.’’—Denver Posh UnnkriRMt la SeotlaaS. In the matter of sheer, besotted, over mastering drunkenness we stand with out rivals In shameful Isolation.—Dun dee Advertiser. Don’t quarrel If you can help It A quarrel is never made up.—Atchison Globe. “1 gave that boy of mine a college education. 1 had to economise, but 1 did It Through my acquaintance with a friend In the big city I got him a Job on a first class city newspaper. I could have made good use of him in my own office, but 1 wanted to do bet ter for him than that How do you suppose he repaid me? The first thing he did a tier he got his chair warm in his new Job, by George, was to write, a two column burlesque on country printing offices!” Tough Old English Statesmen. In Macaulay’s day English statesmen were of a hardier and more robust type tbnn the preseut race of poll tlclaus. They seem to have bad cast Iron nerves aud appetites and diges tions to match. They dined off a huge beefsteak and a bottle of port while their gmidsoos are content with cutlet and a lemon squash. Aud yet they llv- , t-d to a good old nge. We hear of Lord Brougham at the age of 70 “drinking two bottles of port at dinner, going to bed upon half a bottle of peat reek (whisky) and turning out at daylight to shoot teal;” and Lord Lyodhurst at | the age of 90 "supping off hot boiled lobster and champagne.” Mr. Klnuear, an old parliamentary hand, tells us that be remembers see ing “Mr. Disraeli drinking, as tbe pre lude to a big speech, a pint of port wine at the buffet in the commons l lobby, dressed In a green coat, a buff waistcoat and muff colored trousers.” | Tills seems jt modest potation under the clreumstaneea. but Mr. Klnnear adds that Disraeli came back and had another pint later on.—Blackwood’s. The Wroag UdSle. A gentlemnn on a walk from one of the suburbs of Glasgow happened to call at a farmhouse, where be was readily supplied with a glass of milk. He offered the woman sixpence,’ but she declined all payment. “1 couldn’ tak money for’t," she said In her own proud way. The gentleman expressed his ac knowledgment and went on bis way. but at the garden gate be detected a small boy playing. 8urely, be thought, this Is the Indy’jji son. So be pat his hand In his pocket to give him tbe six pence, <wben be heard a shrill voice. “That’s ua ma laddie, sir.” Then there was a pause, and the voice afterward resounded, this time directed toward a small boy at the side door, "Gang oot Wnllie. an speak till the nice gentle man at the gate)”—Liverpool Post Otherwise Discreetly Slleat. McJigger—Bragg tells me be got mix ed up In a scrap last night. ^Thingumbob—Did he get the best of McJigger—Of course. If he hadn’t be wouldn’t have said anything about It— Exchange. “The Battle or the Baltic," "Ye Mar iners of England” and “Uohenllnden” are three of the best martini poems ev er written. As Sir Philip Sidney said of the ballad of Chevy Chase, they “stir the heart like a tiumpet.” Tbe first time the average man ap pears In public wearing a silk bat he Imagines that every man he meets en vies him.—Chicago News. L Tried (• Statue (he Dead. j A remarRabto attempt 'was made ta Denmark recently to bring back to ltf, A itwn $bo kadfttted in a hospital. The ‘ experiment was measurably successful as . resuscitation was effected seretH hours after tbe man was pronounced dead, Dr. Maag, Who was In eliarw, j was unable to maintain life, however ! The patient bad died from typhoid fever, and Dr. Mnag decided to try u experiment Respiration bad ceased completely nnd tbe body was cold. Dp I rect massage of the h«rt -wag resorted to. The chest was cut open directly over the heart and through the la. cislon the physician passed his hood and seised the heart. ; He commenced I a series of compressions, and In a short time the heart commence^ to work of Its owb ftccoWl The fiction of the heart gradually became stronger, bat the man had twt. commenced to breathe. Only after the henrt bad been actlng'half an boor did the lint gasp for air oomo. The patient was then assisted In this for about an hour until finally he was able to breathe quite {recly. ,\t the eame time his cheeks began to as sume a natural color, He lay in this condition'’another half hour, but with, out regaining consciousness or appear ing to feel the effects of the Incision. Then there was n reaction and respi ration ceased, although the heart con tinued to net eight hotii-a longer. A second effort was made to Induce heart action, but without result, : — 4j Ktpilaw and the Has Owner. After leaving Vermoqt Rudyard Kip ling bought a place In the little Eng lish village of Rottlngdean, and In his garden were some beautiful trees. One of these trees, branching»over the road, threatened daily injury to the drivdr of the local bus. Therefore he and his conductor waged destructive war on all the vulnerable twigs within reach from the bus roof, Result: A vigorous letter of .complaint from Mr. Kipling to the bus owner, who is also landlord of one of the local Inus. That evening the landlord laid the letter before the select company of the bar parlor. They advised an attitude Of calm Indifference. Also a Cra-sus among them offered (2.00 iu cash fot the autograph letter. Both advice and cash were accented. * The nuisance continuing. In due course a second aud stronger lottci followed the first. Tho landlord con vened another bar parliament, and tna second letter also found a buyer, this time at (5. os befitted Its Increasetl violence. And Boniface again "sal tight!” To him next day entered Mr. Kipling, briskly wrathful. “Why didn't I answer your letters, sir? Why, I was hoping you’d send mo a fresh one every day. They pay a deal bettei than bus driving!” A Good Ran aer. “Hollo, hollo! Is this the gas com pany’s office ?” * “Y.os; what In It?” “When do the entries for the next race open?” "YVe don’t know anything about tbe races.- Thla Is the gas office.” "Correct; blit I thought you could toll me.” “Why, what do you want to know for?” “Oh. nothing particular. 1 have a gas meter I would like to enter, that’s all.’’—Tit-Bits. What Forty Poles Stake. A good story Is told about a cert professor whose business it was. to I ture to a number of students on s veylng. During out- of the lectures, profesnor sold that In his opinion pole was of little .or no value. To i astonishment of those present a Pol gentleman arake and, after aeeusl the professor of Insulting his count: men, demanded an apology. The professor thereupon explain that the pole to which he referred tt merely a term of measurement. T Polish gentleman, seeing Ids mtstal asked the professor to forgive bis t parent rudeness. To this the profest smartly replied: "You could not be rude, sir. ereo yon tried, for It takes 40 poles to ma one rood I” fiiitt Pit. "Mr. Dpner.” said the prosnrntlngi torney. “this Is an action In which t plaintiff seeks to recover damages I alleged Injuries received at tld* ban of White Caps. Have you heard at thing about tbe rase?" “No, sir,” replied the talesman. “We’ll take him. your honor.” “Mr. t'pner." asked tlu> attorney I the defense, “do you know what 'whltecnp - l»7“ “Yes, sir. It’s a wave that’s g foam on top of it" ‘We’ll take him. your honor.”—Chic go Tribune. Hard Lock. Dashaway—Miss Plukerly told t the other day that her doctor bad p her on n meager-diet, nud I thought would be Just the time to ask her o to luncheon. Cleverton-And did sberaroept ? “Did she! Well. | should say * She Informed me thnt there was <s day In the week that be allowed her eat anything she pti-osed.” — Detft free Press.-