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A SLATER’S FEAT.
I
Sta rtiing Antics on Top of a High J
f Steeple In England.
A slater employed to put slates oil a
high steeple In an English town gave
a few reul thrills to people who weTe
\ : I
if
/ \ /,'>' ///.'S ■ /'.
I’EIiKOIiMING ON A STIIEFTiE.
watching him below. When he had
finished his perilous task he proceeded
to go through some evolutions that
terrified the beholders when perform
ed so far above their heads. He con
' .eluded them without uccident.
The Religious East.
The fact is that the oriental races
are fundamentally religious and that
the mainspring of their lives is their
religion, whereas in modern Europe
people have succeeded in dividing their
lives into religious and secular depart
ments.—London Post.
A Stammering Proposal.
A man who is noted for his perfect
self possession and polished manner?
tells (his story on himself: He bought
a ring for his best girl. When lie gave
it to her he Intended to say: “Dearest,
here is a ring I have bought to adorn
your fair hand. May the circle be a
symbol of my undying affection for
Vm." What he did say was: "11-hore’s
a ring I bought for myself, and it was
t-too small. Y-you t-tuke it.”
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GREAT
OFFERS.
SAW THE MOTOR FIRST.
It Was a Great Curiosity to the
Farmer's Family.
It was the turn of the motor car
tourist, and he told tills story:
“I was oil tlie way to a small town
about thirty miles distant and had
stopped for luncheon in a little village.
At the same table in the small hotel
sat a countryman, a red handkerchief
around his neck and his slouch hat oa
the floor beside his chair.
“ ‘How far is It to Billvllle?’ I asked
of him.
“The man to whom I addressed the
question looked credulous.
‘“Don’t you know?’ he replied.
“I admitted my Ignorance of the
country and its distances.
“ -it’s about twenty-five miles,’ he
said.
“ ‘What’s the best road to take?’
“The man laid down his knife and
fork, and a smile passed over his face
as he looked at me in silence; then his
face took on a look of indecision, which
at length was succeeded by a look of
satisfied determination.
•“Don’t you know?’ he asked by way
of reassurance.
“I again admitted my Ignorance.
“ ‘l’ll show you,’ he said, and from
Ids pocket he drew a pencil and an old
envelope. Then lie drew a diagram of
the route I was to follow to reach the
town for which I had sot out in my
motor car. No sooner had lie delivered
me the diagram and the instructions
as to how many miles I was to go this
way and that than he picked up bis
hat and suddenly left the table. I
could not account at that time for ills
quick departure, but an explanation
came to me later. After eating lunch
eon leisurely and smoking a cigar,
which consumed about an hour of my
time, I climbed into my machine and
resumed my journey.
“For five mile? I followed the coun
tryman's diagram and tlieu came to a
piece of road that was atrocious. For
two miles I climbed over bowlders aud
stumps and in aud out of ruts and gui
leys. At last I saw ahead a little house
in the edge of the woods. I was sure
that I was off the regular road, aud I
made for the house to ask for my bear
ings. Imagine my surprise upou draw
irg up in front of the house to find my
friend the countryman, Ida wife and
his children out iu the road to meet me.
ah 10-Mu .A the machine v, ith
wondrous eyes, and the smallest child
hung to his mother’s skirts and cried
from fright. The other children fled to
the house aud peeked out the window.
My. friend who had been so kind in
drawing the diagram aud giving direc
tions said:
“ ‘Neighbor, I most run my horse to
death io get here afore you did. 1
wanted my old woman and the kids to
l>e sure and see one of them critters.
They never seen one afore. I’s much
obliged to you, hut if you wont to get
to Billville you'll have to pull hack two
miles to the road where you turned la
and go straight ahead.’ ’’—Kansas City
Star.
A Faith Cure.
Foud Mother—Are you feeling better
now, darling?
Small Boy—Yes, funk you. mummy.
Nullin’ like a bun for a headache. A
big bun. Little ones are no good.—
Punch.
Beggared.
Mult.v Millions, Jr.—My father left
me with next to nothing, my deali,
and it will have to be love In a cottage,
ye know.
She—llow large is the cottage, Mul
ty?
Multy Millions, ,Tr.—Well—or—t! ore's
only something like -like IJO rooms, a
stable and eleven motor cars.—Chicago
News.
How Mean Is Grammar.
“Mother, can I ha re another slice of
pie?”
‘‘Yes, dear, you can."
“Well, may i?"
"No. dear, yon may not.”
“Mother, ain't grammar an awful
mean thing?"—Judge.
Like a Peaca Ccrnreoc.
“Only two months have passed since
their marriage, but yesterday they
quarreled ferociously."
they tiaio.t canra t* Waurr over
the question of how to obviate unpleas
antness at home.’’—ll Riso.
A Parting Shot.
“Professor,” said a senior, trying; tJ®
be pathetic at parting; “B am indebted,
to you for all I know.”
“Pray don’t mention such a tri.iS*.’*'
was the reply.—Punch Bowl.
Her Only Interest.
The papers fifi with lines that thrill.
Yes, headlines flaming hot, )
That tell of scrape and great mishaps*
But Betty reads them not,
For naught she cares for bulls and teaesj
And how the trusts may spat,
But all the while she hunts the styles ti
Of this year’s Easter hat.
—Chicago Now*.’ J
THE MAJOR’S TOAST,
It Turns Out to Ee a Roast, Tha-nks to.
Mrs. Spiikar.
Major Spilker Is a little man, very,
fat, very genial and with a head as de
void of hair as a porcelain doorknob, i
His wife, Mrs. Algitlia Spilker, is.!
scrawny, sarcastic and deaf. A. person
could kick a tiu bathtub down the
back steps all night, aud Mrs. Spilker
would snore like a brass horn in bliss
ful ignorance of the noise, which proves,
that she is rather deaf.
There are two things in Urn world otr
which Mrs. Spilker is very fond—a,
party and her husband. She never fa!,lit
to accept an invitation to one or to car
ry the other with her.
Not long ago they attended a birth
day party, and the ma jor was dowu to
propose the health (if “The bahte3.”
Being very fond of children, it was
thought that this to*st would jusst suit
the major.
Unfortunately for Major Spilker and
the assembled geests, he changed his
toast to “The ladies” without warning,
his wife of the fact, who, of course,
thought her husband would confuse
himself to the toast of the little ones..
“Now, Major Spilker,” said Mrs.
Barker, the hostess, as the dinner ad
vanced, “it is your turn to give your
toast, and pray say something compli
mentary to our sex.”
“When my charming hostess,” said
the major, rising, “requests me to do
a thing it is my duty to obey. There
fore I take pleasure in drinking the
health of the ladies. The ladies cherish
us in prosperity, soothe us in adversity
and by their tender miuisterings light
en the burden of life. I drink to the
lac”::.”
When the applause subsided Mrs.
Spilker, ignorant of the true subject of
the toast, but glowing with pride and
admiration, said:
“Oh, Mrs. Barker, you don’t know
how fond the major is of them. I have
seen him have two or three on his lap
at once, and’’—
“Algitha!” gasped the major.
—“Just teasing the life out of the
poor, dear things. He is such a favor
ite with them, and every chance he
gets be is sure to have them in his
a nr. aor b“ out ping with them. He’s
got the lovlugcst nature of any man i
ever saw, and somehow they come to
him when they won’t to any one else.”
Major Spilker fell back in his chair
with a groan.—Tit-Bits.
A False Alarm.
Village Dame—Ah. I do thir.k as gen
tlefolk don't know wimt trouble be.
There’s my darter now. just lost the
last one o’ seven, she 'ave. a, .‘ter all the
trouble she’ve took wi' ’em, feeuin’
’em on the best. But ’twere no use.
They've died one after t’ other.
Squire—Dear, dear! I’d no idea your
daughter had had so many children.
Dame—Children! I be talkin' o’ pigs!
—Punch.
What Wc Eat.
A food inspector in Manchester, N.
11., found one lot of beef and pork in a
butcher’s stall that was rather ques
tionable. He called in the owner of the
place.
“Look here,” ho said, “what is your
opinion of this meat?”
The butcher looked it over.
"1 had forgotten all about that,” he
said. “It is pretty old stock.”
‘Veil, what is your opinio a of it?”
“Mv opi said tha btcker slow
ly, “is that it is unfit for human food,
Lur It migl t do for sausage.”—Worn >
an's lion:? _'jjipanion.
Comparison.
“And you compare the muftis of
llockefelier to that of Shakaspoare?"
“Certain:;,-." answered tha college
professor. “Shakespoara nruat hava
been a mighty good buaiuaaa man to
mak# a|
fe 3iß wt :
To. Do Tfeur
Job Work.
— lll 11 ' 1 1 1 .-annm tsw.ni-,r, 8I ,Tr*- ■■■ ■■ MMiw —hi hi
We Guarantee To Flease is IfeTastidious^
M I k.urwnHauavia mmjbmhv „
It will wi P~
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The Kind You Have Always Bought, and which has been
iut use for over SO years, has born© the signature of
~ aad has been made under his per
' sonal supervision sine© its infancy,
* Allow no one to deceive yon in this.
All Counterfeits, Imitations anti <,a Js are hut
Experiments that trifle with and endanger th© health of j
Infants and Children—lispcrXchlc© against, lisperiment., , .-**
What is CASTOR IA
Castoria is a harmless substitute for- Castor Oil, Pare
goric, Drops and Soothing- Syrups, It is Pleasant. It
contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic
substance. Its age is its guarantee. It destroys "Worms
and allays Feverishness. It cures Diarrhoea and Wind
Colic. It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation
and Flatulency. It assimilates the Pood, regulates the \
Stomach and Bowels, giving healthy and natural sleep* j <
The Children’s Pahacea—The JMothcr’s Friend. ,
GENUINE CASTORIA ALWAYS
He Kind Yon Maie Always Bought
5n Use For Over 80 Years.
THE CENTAUR COMPANY. T 7 MURRAY WTHECT, Ui!W YORK MT
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