Newspaper Page Text
HOW fKISCILLA HOOKED HIM.
Week before last young Simmy Plunkett
left bis paternal's fann aiul Hocks at Hun
tington, and came down to Brooklyn to see
the elephant, and pay bis friend Peewit a
short visit. . _
lie was a mild, soft, inoffensive youth,
iust climbing over the fence of his teens,
with reddish hair, bashful whiskers and
manners, village cut raiment, and the first
chance at the old man's property, being
the only cliild.
“ Here's a plum m the matrimonial nud
din'. an’ I'm goin' to have the first dan at
it. if I bum my lingers,'' mused Peewit's
spinster aunt, on his arrival, and she bang
ed her liair. powdered her face, tilted up i
her bustle, puffed herself out with chest
protectors, or whatever you call them, and
wreathed her face with company smiles to
receive him.
That evening she planted herself next to
him at the tea-table, dropped lumps of su
gar into his tea. plied him with preserves
and cake, ami ogled him with her mechan
ical smiles. After supper she followed him
in the extension, where lie had gone to have
a quiet smoke, and said—
“ Won't you let me come and sit with
you?”
••Why, in course 1 will ma’am.” replied
Sammy, taking afivc-cent cabbage-leaf out
of his mouth.
*• Oh, don’t stop smoking, for I love the
smell of a good cigar as the little humming
birds do the flowers of summer, and I know
that must be a splendid cigar.’’
•• Wal, it’s just as good as the man had
for five cents.”
“ Oh. you selfish sybaritic young bache
lor ! How 1 often envy you all your pleas
ures. which our poof sex are debarred
from enjoying.” she murmured, sinking
into a seat close by him.
“ I ain't much to hum ‘bout that syba
ritic thing, but I'm the all-firedest best
feller remind our country to hoe a tater
patch or bull-whack a team of steers.”
Then she changed the conversation, pro
duced her photograph album, showed him
the pictures and begged him to make her
happy for life by adding his to the collec
tion, promised to work him a motto, eat a
philopena with him, hinted at a pair of
slippers she was going to embroider, sighed
and rolled her eyes around like a duck in a
thunder storm.
“ Wal, I swow, if that ere old lady ain't
jest about as sociable an’ scrumptious as
new milk and apple sass,” lie soliloquized
that night, on retiring, looking around the
company room, upon which the spinster
aunt bad everlastingly spread herself fix
ing up for him.
The next morning. Mrs. Peewit being
indisposed, she waited on him at the break
fast tabic, sweetened his coffee till it tasted
like syrup, simpered, giggled and question
ed him about the farm.
“ Wal, yes. ma'am, it's a purty consid
erable big place,” he replied, in answer to
a question if it was a large farm.
** Atad you fnave the pretty quiet cows
running up to the churn to be milked, and
the funny little pigs sitting around putting
their tails in curl paper, and the cunning
little liens and roosters laying their eggs
all around you—oh, it must be too splen
did for anything. 1 often think I'd rather
be a farmer’s wife and live on a splendid
big farm like yours, than be Queen of Eng
land and India," she said, in a voice like a
sick hand organ.
Two or three evenings later young Plun
kett returned home from a day’s sight-see
ing in the metropolis ; she opened the door
for him, laughingly chided him for his ab
sence. informed him that Mr. and Mrs. [
Peewit had gone to prayer meeting, and j
opening the parlor door, invited him to ;
come in. i
‘•Mr. Plunkett.” she murmured, afteri
he had been in the room a moment, “ I
need a friend —a counsellor ; how bad only j
this poor fluttering heart of mine can tell."
“ Wal, I’ll begol darned —”
“I knew it. 1 felt that your manly
heart would at once propose to be that
friend and guide,” she sighed, coming over
and taking a seat by his side on the sofa.
“ Yes’m only I can’t ’zactly—"
“ You cannot guess the secret of my
maidenly emotion, Sammy, you would say. J
May I hot call you Sammy ?” she mur
mured, drawing near to him.
“ Jest as you like, inarm. I ain’t got no
’jections one way or t’other.”
“ Oh, thanks —a thousand thanks, Sam
my ; an’ you will call me Priscilla, and not
that cold, formal, distant Miss, will you
not?” . ~ ,
“ Sartainly, if it'll 'hlige you eny, he
answered, wondering what the old lady
was driving at. ~ .
“ Sammy, lam unhappy. I often think
that this trembling heart and delicate frame
of mine was never intended to battle alone
the storms of life,” she simpered, slipping
her hand into his.
“Aren’t strong, eh? Why don t you
try a porous plaster?”
“ 1. need not medicine so much as a kind
word, a pleasant smile, a manly heart to
confide in—some one whom I can look up
to for advice and protection."
“ Why don't you call in a policeman ?
he suggested. .
“ Hut when you are with me, Sammy,
all seems changed, and the world seems
bright and beautiful before me ; it is only
when you are absent that my heart grows
heavy and sad,” she whispered.
••Du tell! Mebbe catnip tea would hx
you up all kicking. I’ve heard it was pow
erful good for the liver.”
“ This is a cold and cruel world for one
of my sex to struggle through.”
“ Well. Miss Priscilla, spring'll soon be
here, and ’twont be so durned cold, be
remembering the many little favors
she had done him, he determined to ask her
to come up and spend a week in the coun
try during the warm weather, so he added.
“ You see I was about tu propose tu you
tu ” . . t .
“ Take me, Saminy, I am thine.” she in
terrupted. throwing her lean form into his
arms, “thine; and thine only, forever
more.”
“ Beeswax ! I—l—only meant
$1.50 A YEAR.
“ I know you love me. and mean to be
I good to me/’ she broke in again.
” Hold on, tarnation !”
“ Hold on to your heart, yes, till death
does us part; and I will make you such a
nice little farmer’s wife, won't I■” she
asked, cuddling close to him and drawing
his arm around her waist.
*• Wal. by jingo, 'pears to me there's an
awful mistake somewhere ; I ”
”No, no, Sammy dear, I never was mis
taken from the first in supposing you loved
me ; and let us get married this week, and
then return home together.”
And she wound her bony arms around
his neck, and was kissing him, when the
door opened, and Peewit, his wife, and
some of the neighbors, who had been at
church with them, entered, beheld her in
his arms, coughed and withdrew hastily.
“ Wal, by the everlastin’ hokey, if 1
hcvn't gone an' dun it this time, I'ui a tar
nal skunk,” exclaimed he, five minutes
later, when he had made his escape from
her embrace, and locked himself up in his
own moui.
Peewit’s spinster aunt says the marriage
will take place next week, and young
Plunkett is seriously contemplating a leap
oil' a Fulton ferryboat.
“ Sort ’o flood Like.*’
The Southern Presbyterian gives the fol
lowing :
An exemplary ministery of the gospel
residing in Raleigh was busy at his sermon
the other evening when a caller came to
disturb him. It was a stranger, and he
said his name was Dolsocker. lie extend
ed bis hand for a shake, sat down as if in
his own house, and presently began :
“ I called to sec if you would give me a
a little spiritual advice.”
“ Certainly 1 will, and be glad to,” was
the reply. “ Are you a professor?”
“ No.”
“ Then you are thinking of turning your
feet into good paths. 1 hope?”
** Well, perhaps !” was the hesitating
reply.
“Don’t you want to be a Christian?”
asked the good man.
“ I'll tell you bow it is,” said the stran
ger, after quite a lengthy interval, “I’ve
got a ticket in a lottery, and 1 want to ask
you if you think it would stand any better
chance of striking the big prize if I was
sort o’good, than it would if I kept on
being sort o’ bad ?”
The clergyman didn’t labor with Mr.
Dolsocker very long.
There is a good deal of real human na
ture in that. Perhaps it does not often
come out so candidly or show itself so
boldly as in this case, yet it is there, llow
often might a lawyer or physician wonder
if he could not get more practice, or get
along better if he were a member of this
or that Church, and seemed sort o’ good
like. The majority of the people in the
town, village or neighborhood are mostly
church members, and may be if he were
sort o’good like they would employ him
more readily. Or the merchant, or the
laborer, or the mechanic, does he never
hear a sort o’ whisper saying he had better
be sort o* good like, as it would help his
business ? Or the young man or woman
desperately in love with one professedly
pious, do they never think they might suc
ceed better if they were sort o' good like?
We have met with cases where it sort o'
seemed like this was so. We fear there
may be many Dolsockers in this world.
A Mean .linn.
Detroit Free Press.
A doctor yesterday met, an ex-patient of
his on State street, and called the man's
attention to the fact that he had a bill
against him for medical services.
•• Can't pay,” replied the man.
“ Do you want to pay?” sternly demand
ed the physician.
“ Of course I do, but I'd like a little
time.”
“ How much ?”
“ About twenty years.”
“ I'll sue this bill,” exclaimed the doc
tor.
“ Sue away, for I ain't worth hut a shirt
and a half, and am growing poorer every
day."
•* Well, sir, you are a blamed mean
man !” continued the doctor.
“ llow mean am I ? Please state what
grade of meanness you mean.”
“ 1 mean,” said the doctor, as he got
more color in his ears. “ I mean that you
are mean enough to pretend to die, so as to
spite your creditors and make your wife
trouble. You are mean enough to let
them bury you in due form. Then, if I
came at night, dug you up and carried you
on my hack for a mile and a half, you’d he
mean enough to come to life, pick my
pockets and want me to hire you to fill up
the grave again !”
“ Is that your candid opinion, doctor?”
“ Yes, sir, it is !”
“Well doctor, you may now drive on.
If you have time during the daj r please
write me out a chart, for you beat I owler
on phrenology by a length and a half.
Good-bye, doctor—seems like spring, don’t
it?”
Publish that which is good. Dr. J. 11.
McLean's Strengthening Cordial and Wood
Purifier is a life-saving remedy, imparts
vigor, health and strength to the system,
purifies and enriches the blood. Dr. J.
11. McLeau 314 Chestnut st., St. Louis,
Missouri.
HARTWELL, GA„ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4. 187 T.
Ttic Curly 4'ruciiM.
C. C. in titribner.
One night—'t was in a hot July—
-1 slept at Farmer Brewster’s,
But long ere sunrise lit the sky
Was wakened by the roosters.
At breakfast then I made a pun—
The farmer couldn’t catch it,
Although in serious matters he
Was sharp as any hatchet.
I said. “ My friend, at four o'clock
Your screeching roo-ters woke us :
Beneath your windows —though July—
Vou raise the early rroir-cusn .”
The C hild Violinist.
BY AUSTIN DOBSON.
,V. T. Mimical
He had played for his lordship's levee,
lie had played for her ladyship's whim.
Till the poor little head was heavy.
And the poor little hram would swim.
And the face grew peaked and eerie,
And the large eyes strange and bright.
And they said—too late— ** lie is weary !
He shall rest for, at least, to-night 1”
But at dawn, when the birds were waking.
As they watched in the silent room,
With the sound of a strained cord breaking,
A something snapped in the gloom.
’Twas a string of his Yiolincollo.
And they heard him stir in his bed—
“ Make room for a tired little fellow,
Kind God !” —was the last that he said.
A Street ('nr Incident.
Boston (ilobe.
Scene, a Highland street railway car;
time, a little after three o'clock. The car
in question was on its outward-bound trip,
and contained hut nine passengers. When
near Dover street, an additional passenger
got on, who, as he opened the rear door,
pleasaiitly hailed the conductor, and the
latter's remark set T)k-former into a very
pleasant frame of mind, his face, as he
I took a seat beside a Globe reporter, be
| trayed his recent acquaintance with the
customary Thanksgiving turkey. He was
a young man, not exactly handsome, hut
; pleasant-looking, was well dressed, even to
the fashionable heaver which he wore. He
was in a very happy frame of mind, as was
quite evident from the pleased expression
which played unconsciously about his
mouth. Sitting still was evidently not his
general custom, and. suddenly thrusting
his hand deep into his pantaloons’ pocket,
he pulled out a whole handful of bright
silver coins, out of which he selected the
necessary change with which to pay his
fare to the conductor, who then passed by.
With his face still wearing that happy look
which almost proved infectious to other
passengers, his eyes rested lingeringly on
a little bundle of humanity fast asleep,
curled up in the opposite corner, who, with
one of her dimpled hands resting on her
cheek for support, instinctively grasped
with the other hand a little basket. Again
the young man’s hand went deep into his
pockets, and selecting a quarter of a dollar,
he laid it carefully on the cover of the
sleeping girl's basket. He was apparently
not satisfied. Another quarter went where
the first had gone. Again he seemed per
turbed. A third visit to the little stranger,
and this time two “halves” was the re
sult. Again he returned to his seat, hut
i this time only to go back with two more
“halves.” Meanwhile his generosity had
I attracted the attention of all the passen
i gers. The young man appealed to a fellow
I passenger for charity, saying : “ She is un
doubtedly a poor girl! Thanksgiving
comes but once a year. Please give me a
quarter that 1 may put it beside that shin
ing silver already on her basket, and when
she awakes you will have the pleasure of
seeing her utter surprise.” The gentle
man yielded to his entreaty. The sleeping
little girl had now at least three dollars.
The gentleman who had contributed the
last quarter told the generous young man
to awaken the little girl. This he did. It
was a long time before she could realize
that she was the possessor of so much
money. At last the young man left his
seat and seated himself beside her. asking
her at the same time how much money she
had, and who gave it to her. All eyes
were upon her great wandering eyes as she
said : “ I don’t know, sir ; it is like the
fairy stories which mamma has told me.
Why (busily counting), I have three dollars
and fifty cents. I wish I knew who gave it
to me." 1 bless her, and 1 know mamma
will when she sees all this inonev.” The
young man suggested that perhaps the
mild-eyed lady, who had just got out, had
given all this money. “ Oh, I know," said
the little girl, suddenly, when the young
man looked into her face and laughed;
“you can’t fool me any longer, you are
the fairy and then she clapped her hands
in such a happy, pleased sort of way that
the young man acknowledged the generous
spirit which had temporarily taken posses
sion of him. and evidently becoming more
and more interested in her. took out his
pocket-book, which was stuffed with hank
bills, took hack all the silver which he and
the unknown friends had contributed, and
gave her a five dollar hill in exchange.
“Oh, oh, oh.” said the little girl, “all
this for me? Oh, won’t mamma be happy,
won't she bless you !”
The car had pretty nearly reached the
voting man's destination, and again taking
from his pocket-book a bank bill, be arose,
stepped to the door, opened it, and then,
quicker than thought, he threw the bill
into the girl’s lap, and was oil' the car be
fore she knew it. The hank hill proved to
be ten dollars, which added to the other,
made fifteen dollars. The young mail's
I parting injunction will probably ring in her
ears, till next Thanksgiving. It was this:
j “Try and remember me the next time you
see me. Mind, don't forget.” Aud tier
answer, which every one heard in thu car,
was: “ Oh, no, sir ! 1 guess I shan't.”
Ulio Known?
Cur. SI. Luuir Christian Advocate.
I suppose there is in every one a desire
to know the truth, and when it is known,
a desire to communicate it to others is, at
least benevolent. There is also in almost
every one a superstitious reverence for
opinions that have long been entertained.
This reverence is, no doubt, commendable
to a certain extent; when with uplifted
hands in holy horror it forbids our touch,
then it becomes superstition, and its warn
ing voice and frightful gestures should he
disregarded. This superstitious reverence
for old opinions has fettered the human
mind long enough; and every lover of
truth should rejoice that the present age
has furnished a few men who have dared to
make war against this monster; and who
have done much to liberate thought from
the degrading bondage in which it has long
been held. “Ye know it hath been said
by them of old time,” “ All attempts to
explain the mysterv of the Trinity, or the
manner in which three persons constitute
one God, we would repudiate as vain ami
futile.” Now if it lie true that the harmo
nious union of all the prismatic colors con
stitute light, may not the harmonious
union of all God's attributes constitute
love ? Then if we give to each person in
the Trinity the same attributes, in the same
measure, do ive not have three persons,
each of whom is God '< and yet in a most
important sense (just such a sense as the
Scriptures require) the unity of the divine
nature is preserved. “To us there is but
one God ’ —Love. “ God is love.”
Mankin.
Esot'iil Recipes.
To Cook Potatoes Puopekly.— Put
them in a not with barely sufficient water
to cover them; add salt; as soon as the
skins begin to crack lift the pot from the
fire and drain off every drop of water;
then lay a cloth over the pot, so that the
steam will escape; set the not close to the
fire until they are thoroughly dry.
Centennial Biscuit. Make good
corn mush, just as if you were gomgto eat
it with milk ; when it is lukewarm, take a
quart of it. work in Hour enough to make
a stiff dough, make it into biscuits, put in
your cake pan and set it in a warm place
over night; hake it in a very hot oven, and
you have the best and sweetest biscuit you
ever ate. Eat while hot for breakfast.
Railroad Cake. —Break two eggs into
a teacup, heat well, then fill the cup with
sweet cream, one cup of sugar, one and
one-half cups of flour, one teaspoonful of
cream of tartar, and one-half teaspoonful
of soda.
Sponge Cake. —Two cups of flour, two
cups of sugar, four eggs, one-half teacup
of cold water, one teaspoonful of cream of
tartar, and one-half teaspoonful of soda.
The eggs must he fresh and the whites and
yelks beaten separately.
A Boy Emperor.
Just think of it, little folks ! The Em
peror of China is only six years old, and
| lie is just getting ready to go to school.
His Empire is a very large one, and he has
over four million subjects. Now wouldn’t
you feel curious if you had command of
this vast number of people? The young
Emperor is going to school just like other
hoys, only lie will go to a very select school,
i and funniest of all, he will have a young
! companion with him who must he whipped
by the teacher whenever the young Kmpe
| ror behaves badly. If you boys and girls
had somebody to take whippings for you,
you might be tempted sometimes to talk
out in school, and do other things to annoy
the teachers. Don't you feel sorry for
that little hoy who has to he Hogged when
i ever the Emperor chooses to throw paper
wads, or put pins in the teacher’s chair or
whistle out loud? We hope however, the
Emperor will he a good hoy. just as we
hope all our little folks will he good child
ren at home and at school. Children should
love and respect their teachers, for by so
doing they do credit to themselves and
their parents, and make their teachers love
them.
I*l ant Good Need.
The labor of sorting the grain is light,
and will cost hut a trifle per bushel; use
the best seed for planting, and feed the re
fuse to stock and poultry. Make a prac
tice of this and in five yeass. with proper
cultivation, the product will be fully fifty
per cent. more. Every farmer should ,
write this mi the tablet of his memory.
FUNNY tf.YYhVUS AND DOINGS.
*~r - -* i i
A strong minded woman vrill always
be speaker of the house.
All men aro not homeless, but some men
gUe loss than ethers.
On thir track vt the mlilky way—following
tfe* <u)'* s home to vVnhai ( u.v*Jrd.
Mrs Button is in Detroit divorce
court, trying to get tm-Buttoned.
Why aro some of our lawyers like a river?
Because they are freat st at the mouth.
“ I haven't another word to say, wife
—I never dispute with fools.” “No, bus
hand. you are very sure to agree with
them.”
A youthful Granger about to he chas
tized \y his father the other day. called for
his grandfather to protect him from the
middleman.
“Ah, parson, I wish 1 could carry my
gold with me,” said a dying man to his
pastor. “It might melt,” was the con
soling answer.
A St. Louis grocer had a pound of sugar
returned with a note stjiting : “ Too much
sand for table use, mid not enough for
building purposes.”
While a man was singing the other day,
“There's a Good Time Coming,” another
man arose and said, “ Would you kindly
Vfix the exact date?”
NUMBER 32.
A Ycrmont mother remarked : “ Yes. I
want my daughter to study rhetoric, for
she can't fry pancake now without smo
king all the house lip,”
Josh Billings says he knows people who
are so fond of argument that they will stop
and “ dispute with a guidoboard about the
distance to the next town.”
If you are troubled with dyspepsia eat
a peeled apple every night before going to
bed. Should that fail to euro you try chops
ping wood by moonlight.
“Isn't there an awful strong smell of
pigs in tin- air? asked Smith of Jones.
•■ Yes,” replied Jones’ “that's because the
wind’s from the sou'-west.”
A Kentucky editor remarks that ninety
nine out of a hundred people make a great
mistake when they cutoff a dog’s .tail, in
throwing away the wrong end.
A fashionable young man. m a fit of
economy and true benevolence, hail one of
his high linen collars converted into three
shirts, which he donated to the poor.
Anew stove has been invented for the
comfort of travelors. It is to be put under
the feet with a mustard plaster on the head,
which draws the heat through the whole
system.
Is it foolishness for a man to try to make
game of a hoarding house chicken by look
ing at it, under the impression t Hat a steady
gaze of the human eye will make any ani
mal quail ?
An Irish gentleman, hearing of a friend
having a stone coffin made for himself, ex
claimed : “ By me sowl. and that’s a good
idee ! Shore a stone coffin 'ud last a man
a lifetime!”
Clara Morris rode a very wild mustang
the other day, and fairly conquered him.
“I know all about riding.” she said, to
begin with. “ You must first mount and
then you mustang on.”
“ What do yon get from iodine?” asked
the medical professor. “We get—a—ah
—usually get idiotic acid,” yawned the
student. “ Have you been taking some?”
quietly asked the professor.
A school teacher gave out to the reading
class the selection, “And, like great
Caesar, die with decency.” The brilliant
reader rendered it, “And, like great
Caesar die with dysentery.”
“Why, my dear fellow,” whispered a
friend, “ I did not know you were so badly
maltreated in the affair.” “Nor I neither,
sobbed the victim, “till I heard iny lawyer
a tellin’ thejury all about it!”
A little girl showing her cousin about
four years old, a star, said: “ That star
you "gee over there is bigger than this
world.” “ No, it isn’t,” he said, “ Yes,
it is.” “Then why doesn't it keep the
rain oil ?”
“Amelia,” he said, “what delicious
weather this is. llow the fervent billows
of sunshine beat down through the blue
j abysses of yonder sky.” “And oh. it
feels so good, Eugene ; just as if somebody
was pouring warm oil down your back.”
“ What we want is new' men and new
measures,” said a politcian to an old dark
| ey. “ Yes, dat'sso. boss,” said tho ancient
African; “de grocery man doesn't give
! us but ‘bout nine quarts to the peck, and
f goes in for de new' measures, you bet.”
At a recent convivial banquet given in
J honor of a certain American (Governor, the
| toast “ his Excellency the Governor,'’ was
given, whereupon a very convivial gentle
man cried out, “ Let’s drink the Governor
, standing, as the Governor’s drunk sitting !”
“ Now, my boy,” said the teacher, “if
1 have a pie. and give two-twelfths of it to
John, two-twelfths to Isaac, two-twelfths to
Harry, and take half the pie myself, wdiat
would there be left ? Speak out loud so all
can hear.” “ The plate !” shouted the boy.
His last words to her in the morning
were :“ Wrap up warmly, darling if you
go shopping to-uay; the weather is very
cold.” She said she would, and before she
went out she had all her bustles weighed
and put on the heaviest one. What will
not a woman do for a man she loves ?
A party of vegetarians who were board
ing at a water cure establishment, while
taking a walk in the fields, were attacked
by a bull, which chased them f iriou lyout
of his pasture. “ That's your gratitude,
is it, you great, hateful thing !” exclaimed
one of the ladies, panting with fright and
fatigue, “After this I'll eat beef three
tunes a day.’’