Newspaper Page Text
the BABY’S MISSING SHIRT.
BY MBS. JONES.
“We were all preparing,’’ said Mrs.
Jones, “togo to the wedding. I was
going, father was going, the gals was go
ing, and we was going to talce the baby
Hut, come to dress the baby, could nt find
the baby's shirt ! I'd laid a clean one out
of the drawers a purpose. L know and just
where I'd put it. but come to look for it
’twas gone* T ~ , ~
For mercy's sake . says TANARUS, gals
says I “ has any one of ye seen that baby's
shirt J”’ _ , , , ,
Of course none of them liad seen it, and
I looked, and looked, and looked again, but
t'want nowhere to be found. “It's the
strangest thing in all nature 1” says 1..
.. here I had the shirt in my hand not
more'n ten minutes ago, and now it is gone,
nobody can tell where ! 1 never seen the
beat! Gals,” says I, “do look around,
can't ye ?” But fretting would not lind it;
so I give up and went to the bureau and
fished up another shirt, and put it onto our
baby ; and at last we was ready to start.
Fathere’d harnessed up the double team
—we drove the old white mare then—and
gals and all were having a good time, going
to see Mary Ann married ; but somehow 1
couldn’t get over that shirt. ’ Twant the
shirt so much, but to have anything spirit
ed away right from under my face and eyes
so, 'twas provoking.
“ What ye thinking about mother ?” says
Sophrony,* “ what makes ye so sober ?”
says she.
“ I'm pestered to death thinking about
that are shirt,” says I. One of you must
atook it.”
“ Now ma,” says Sophrony, says she
“you need’nt say that,” says she, and as
I laid it to her a good many times, she was
beginning to git vexed ; and so we had it
back and forth all about that baby’s shirt,
until we arrived at the wedding.
Seeing company kinder put it out of my
mind, and I was gitting goodnatur'd agin,
though I couldn't help saying to myself
every few minutes, “what could have be
come of that shirt ?” till at last they stood
up to be married, and I forgot all about it.
Mary Ann was a real modest creature, and
was mor'n frightened to death when she
came into the room with Stephen, and the
minister told them to jine hands. She fust
give her left hand to Stephen. “Your
other hand,” says he, poor Steve was so
bashful too, he didn’t know what he was
about —he thought ’twas his mistake, and
that the minister tnent him, so he gave
Mary Ann his left hand. That wouldn’t
do any way; a left-handed marriage all
around ; but by this time they didn’t know
what they was about, and Mary Ann join
ed her right hand with his left, and the
left with his right, then both their hands
agin till I was all of a fidget, and thought
they never would get fixed. Mary Ann
looked as red as a turkey, and to make
matters worse she began to cough, to turn
off I suppose, and called for a glass of wa
ter. The minister had been drinking, and
the tumbler stood right there, and 1 was so
nervous and in such a hurry to see it all
over with, I ketched up the tumbler and
run with it to her ; for I thought to good
ness she was going to faint. She under
took to drink—l don't know how it hap
pened, but the tumbler slipped and glori
ous me ! if between us both we didn’t spill
the tumbler of water all over her collar
and sleeve.
I was dreadfully flustrated, for it looked
as though it was my fault; and the fust
thing I did was to out with my handker
chief and give it to Mary Ann ; it was nicely
done up ; she took it and shook it out. the
folks had held it up putty well to that time,
but then such a giggle and laugh as there
was. I didn’t know what give ’em such a
start, till Hooked and seed I'd give Mary
Ann that baby’s shirt.
Here Mrs. Jones, who is a very fleshy
woman, undulated and shook like a mighty
jelly, with her mirth, and it was some
time before she could proceed with her
narrative.
“ Why,” said she with tears of laughter
running down her cheeks, “I’d tucked it
into my dress pocket for a handkerchief;
that came of being absent-minded and in a
fidget.”
“ And Mary Ann and Stephen—were
they married after all?”
“ Dear me, yes !” said Mrs. Jones “ and
it turned out to be the gayest wedding I
‘ever ’tended.”
“ And what about tbe baby’s shirt, Mrs.
Jones?”
“La me!” said Mrs. Jones, “how
young folks do ax questions. Everybody
agreed I ought to make Mary Ann a pres
ent on’t.”
“ Well, Mrs. Jones !”
“ Well,” said Mrs. Jones, “ ttvant long
’fore she found a use for’t. And that’s
the end of the story.”
Country Cousin Jokes.
Bridges Smith's Paper.
More cheroots (7 for a nickel) were sold
in Macon last week than were sold for six
months past. The beau ideal of human
bliss of a rural youth is to strut around
town with a cheroot in his mouth. lie
smokes them for two good reasons. One
is, they are cheaper than cigars, and the
other, because there can be no doubt as to
the right end to put in his mouth.
A passenger from Columbus says that
during the first part of the week he saw
great crowds of people camped along the
line of road, waiting for the excursion
' train, fearing that if they remained at home
they'd be left.
lie was dressed up regardless. The red
cravat which encircled his neck cast a ra
diant hue over his countenance, and the
homespun shirt which shielded his manly
bosom, bore a striking resemblance to a
sugar-cured ham. He sidled up to us with
a grin that warped his left car. Says he :
“ Look here, stranger, I'll be hornswag
glcd ef I hain't turned round in this town,
an 1 et you’ll be so kind as to give me some
advice I’ll be obleeged ter yer.” We told
him we were at his service. “ Well, now,
what have you got here that's w r orth look
ing at?” We told him of the beauties of
$1.50 A YEAR.
the park, the hot-house, tho—‘-Hold on.
mister ! It's dmgnation hot out doors, an'
I don't want ter go inter anything hotter.”
W e spoke of the gold fish at the fountain.
“ Gold fish ? Fish made out’n gold ! Great
jehosophat—ver don’t tell me!” Yes.
they were eighteen karat fine, and the gold
came direct from the Black Hills. Then
we passed out of the park and spoke of
other things. We showed him a gas lamp,
and told him that gas was brought here m
pipes all the way from Atlanta. “ Well I
do declare ! Ain't it mighty expensive?”
Oh. ves; but our city doesn't owe a cent,
and has a surplus fund of ninety millions.
Then, as if a bright idea struck him, he
asked if lager beer wasn't good for a head
ache. We told him that the most eminent
physicians prescribed it for such ailments.
Then we directed his footsteps to the throne
of Gambrinus, and the last we saw of him
he was imitating Jonah’s whale, and now
and then we'd hear him murmur : “ Good
—for—headache—eh ?”
Several went into Hall's drug store and
treated themselves to soda. One of them,
who had a knack of observing, yelled out :
“ Well, I'll be hanged ef that thing don't
beat my time squirtin' sweeten’ water !”
While a crowd of them were looking at
our magnificent courthouse, one exclaim
ed : " Ain't she bully ! Boys, I’ll bet that
house cost live hundred dollars !”
The Hell Fundi I.hv.
Merchant's <£• Mechanic's Advertiser.
The new whisky law recently passed by
the General Assembly of Virginia requires
every drink dispensed at the drinking sa
oons throughout the State to be registered,
upon which a certain tax is levied. The
instrument for registration of “ drinks ” is
similar to the “ bell punch” used on the
street railways, one of which will be put
up in every bar room.
The law requires a tax of £ cent per
drink on lager beer and cents on alco
holic liquors. In the city of Richmond
there are 287 saloons anil 54 wholesale
iquor dealers, and assuming 75,000 inhab
itants as the population of the city, it is
estimated that there are 220 persons to
every liquor establishment, and that under
the “ bell punch ” law, the amount of
liquor tax to be paid annually to the city
of Richmond will be about $224,000 and
possibly more.
A similar law in this State would upon the
same hypothesis, insure to the city a reve
nue of over $500,000 per annum, which
would greatly relieve our citizens of their
present burthensome taxation.
The City and State should be aroused to
the enormous evil of intoxicating drink,
and do all in its power to make it pay its
proper share of the taxes, and to reduce
the use of such drink to its minimum. No
respectable seller of liquor can object to
either of these demands. In this connec
tion it should be remembered that while
they are making their living by selling in
toxicating drinks, there are others who get
their death thereby ; if they get rich others
become poor; if they are made prominent
thereby, others are brought to the gutter ;
if they get happy thereby, there are thou
sands who are made wretched and misera
ble. Taking these things into serious con
sideration, is it not tbe part of wisdom for
our State legislature and municipal author
ities, for the sake of their own fellow man,
to do all in their power to lessen this fearful
evil ?
“Tlie Dark Kelling- Raiiube.”
The river Danube has figured largely in
history for two thousand years, and it
again becomes the object to which the eyes
of the world are turned. It furnished a
highway for the Turks in the sixteenth and
seventeenth centuries to penetrate Europe
as far as Vienna, and in the days of the
crusades it became an outlet for the reli
gious enthusiasm of Europe to flow to the
Holy Land. The Danube, from its sources
in Baden to the Black Sea. is 1,820 miles
long, and it drains, with its tributaries, an
area of over three hundred thousand square
miles. It passes through Bavaria, Austria
Hungary, forms the boundary between
Hungary and Servia to the Carpathean
mountain, where it separates Roumania
and Bulgaria, and passes into the Black
Sea through several mouths, the principal
one being that of Sulia. The Danube is
navigable for steamers as far as l.'lm, in
Bavaria. At Nicopolis, in the fourteenth
century, 100,000 Christians were driven by
the Turks into the Danube, and in the
fifteenth century 40,000 Turks were slain
on its shores at the siege of Belgrade.
A Fable from I lie Argonaut.
New York World.
A young cock and a hen were speaking
of the size of eggs. Said the cock :
“ I once laid au egg—”
“Oh. you did!” interrupted the hen,
with a derisive cackle. “ Bray, how did
you manage it?”
The cock felt injured in his self-esteem,
and turning his back upon the hen, ad
dressed himself to a brood of young chicks.
“ I once laid an egg—”
The chickens chirped incredulously and
passed on. The insulted bird reddened in
the wattles with indignation, and strutting
up to the patriarch of the entire barnyard
repeated his assertion. The patriarch nod
ded gravely, as if the feat were an every
day affair, and the other continued :
“ I once laid an egg alongside a water
melon and compared the two. The vege
table was considerably the larger.”
This fable is intended to show the ab
surdity of hearing all a man has to say.
HARTWELL, GA„ WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 1877.
Feline.
The St. Louis Journal perpetrates tho
following epic :
“ Come with me and be my love?
Meow 1
How
Now?
Come from the woodshed roof above,
Near
Here,
Dear !
Never mind that brindled fellow—
That
Fat
Cat!
Listen to my wooing mellow,
Low,
Slow—
Oh!!!
From the window far above,
At
That
Cat,
A cruel man a bootjack hove ;
It
Hit
Kit.
On the ground tho lover lay,
Bns-ted
Head—
Dead,
While the sweetheart skipped away,
Mad,
Sad,
Scared.
But the brindled fellow—
That
Fat
Cat,
Wooed her in such accents mellow—
So
Neat,
Sweet,
That he won her young affection—
True
Blue,
Too !
While her first love endured dissection,
Sweet
Sausage
Meat !”
As tile World Wags.
FARMERS IN-1825.
Men to the plow,
Wife to the cow,
Girls to the yarn,
Boys to the liarn,
And all dues settled.
FARMERS IN 1850.
Men a mere show,
Girls at the piano,
Wife, silk and satin,
Boys. Greek and Latin,
And all hands gazetted.
FARMERS IN 1877.
Men all in debt,
Wives in a pet.
Boys mere muscles,
Girls puffs and ruffles,
And everybody cheated.
Correct. True bill.
A Snake Story.
The Jackson (Tennessee) Sun of last
week contained a remarkable story about
a lady and snake in that city. According
to the particulars recited, the lady, who is
fifty-seven years of age. had for twenty
years or more carried a live snake in her
stomach. The reptile was always more
lively.in its movements a short time after
meals than at other times, causing to the
victim the most unpleasant sensation of
both mind and body—producing nausea,
heartburn, and a slight distension of the
stomach. These movements ceased about
three weeks ago, and, a week later, a snake
ten inches in length and as large as a man's
finger was discharged. Mr. Robert Gates,
the editor of the Sun, who is now on a
visit to Louisville, in a conversation with ar
Courier-Journal reporter, says he knows
the lady well, and substantiates the story
by the most positive affirmation that he
knows every word of it to be true, lie
gives the name of the lady as Mrs. Dr.
Alex. Jackson. He says that Mrs. Jack
son thinks she must have drank the snake
in embryo from a spring while attending a
squirrel stew in West Tennessee over
twenty years ago.
Somnambulist.
A young man who lives on a farm near
Bochara. Australia, lately went to sleep
on a sofa after a hard day’s work, and had
been lying there sometime when he got up
and went outside. His companions ob
served that he walked with a slaggering
gait, but little notice was taken of the mat
ter. they expected him to rejoin them im
mediately. The somnambulist, for such he
was, passed through three or four gates,
untying and retying the fastenings, which
are made of rope, and made his way to the
woolshed. There he hung his coat upon a
nail, took down a pair of shears he had
been using in the daytime, and proceeded
to sharpen them, lie next caught a sheep,
and haa just finished shearing, when he
was awakened by the sudden arrival of his
friends, who had come with a lantern to
search for him. The shock of awakening
caused him to tremble like a leaf, but he
soon retained his equanimity. The sheep
was shorn as well as if the work had been
performed in broad davlight, and the night
was by no means a clear one.
The I.ilHtor u War.
II ridges Smith') Paper.
The Turkeys and the Russian Leather
heads are at war. The blue Danube which
waltzes along through the country is now
red with the blood of the warring people.
The latest advices from Wipeyourchinoff
indicate that the Leatherheads are moving
slowly into the city of Whatyoueallit, and
that the Turkeys are trotting toward Dain
phiknowitsnamc.
We did intend giving our readers an ac
curate map of the seat of war, hut tho car
penter whom we employed to build it at
tended the Sunday-school Celebration May
Day, and has been drunk ever since. We
regret this, as wo always endeavor to be
progressive. Wo never spare expense to
comfort our readers. Their interest is
ours. Our contemporary was startled the
other day because we expended twenty
five cents in purchasing cobalt for a small
negro who we thought would die and thus
afford an item. Time and again have we
lavished our nickles on bananas and thrown
their peelings on the sidewalk that high
toned pedestrians might slip up and break
their necks. We rejoice in such items. It
always sends a thrill of joy through our
frame when we calmly view the placid re
mains of a coroner’s subject. Therefore,
we feel keenly the indisposition of our car
penter. We could have used one favored
us by Bennett, of the New York Herald
but we disdain to use second-hand material,
especially second-hand war maps. Noth
ing is more disgusting than a second-hand
war map. They are invariably fly-specked
and mildewed.
At some future period, we will continue
these interesting remarks anent the East
ern war. In the meantime we beg the
public to hold their breath and keep their
shirts on until we resume the duty.
A Rat In A Rustic.
But for the pluck of a young pretty wo
man the other morning there would have
been an exciting scene in a local train on
one of our railroads.
The blustrv condition of the morning
made people aon their clothing with an un
usual degree of alacrity. The young lady
referred to took the train, and having set
tled herself in a seat commenced to review
a hastily- made toilet.
Feeling something move behind her she
gave an indignant look at the young man
who occupied the seat with her, supposing
that he nad placed his hand upon the
ground sacred to the latest style of bustle,
A crawling sensation quickly convinced
her that something other than a human
hand was threading the mysterious mazes
of the garments beneath her red petticoat.
She followed the object with her hand
until it made a semi-circle around her body,
and then seized it. Had the young man
dared he would have assisted her, but
those striped stockings, that had just cost
seventy-five cents, were not to be profaned
by a man's rude touch. Bale as death, the
young lady whispered to him to raise the
window quickly. Ho did so, and sup
posing that she might have eaten some
thing for her breakfast that did not agree
with her, he instantly hopped out of the
seat. Scarcely had he done so when, with
her other hand, she drew forth a huge rat
and slung him into the middle of next July.
The animal had probably got into the bus
tle as a roosting place in the early hours
of a very cold morning.
A SliKhl Mhtuke.
The present Archbishop of Dublin, the
gifted author of the work so widely known
on the “ Study of Words,” is not in very
robust health* and has been for manjr years
apprehensive of paralysis. At a recent
dinner in Dublin, given by the Lord Lieu
tenant of Ireland, his grace sat on the right
of his hostess, the Duchess of Abercorn.
In the midst of the dinner the company
was startled by seeing the Archbishop rise
from his seat, and still more startled to
hear him exclaim, in a dismal and sepul
chral tone, “ It has come! it has come!”
“ What has come, your Grace?” eagerly
cried half a dozen voices from different
parts of the table.
“ What I have been expecting for twenty
years,” solemnly answered the Archbishop
—“ a stroke of paralysis. I have been
pinching myself for the last twenty minutes
and find myself entirely without sensa
tion.”
“Bardon me, my dear Archbishop,”
said the Duchess, looking up to him with a
somewhat quizzical smile—“pardon me
for contradicting you, but it is / that you
have beenpinchmg /”
War Mh|m.
Schedler's Map of the Black Sea, Asia
Minor, the Caucasus, Southern Russia.
Roumania. and Eastern Turkey. Engraved
on stone, carefully printed and colored.
Scale, 1 :3,000,000. Size, 22x28 inches.
Brice, folded and in cover, 40 cents.
This Map is very accurately compiled
from the latest and most complete mate
rial. It presents, at one glance, the scene
of the war, both in Europe and in Asia.
Published by E. Steiger, 22 & 24
Frankfort Street, New York, by whom
copies will be promptly mailed upon re
ceipt of price. The publisher has made
preparations for bringing out additional
war maps, as soon as such may become
necessary.
Over a thousand window-panes broken
by hail in the town of Anderson recently.
STANDARD OF THE PROPHET.
Atlanta (Wilulion.
In tho Seraglio is an old yellow rag that
the faithful call the Sandjak-Sherif, or tho
sacred banner of the prophet. It is claim
ed that it was made from a curtain which
hung before the apartment of Aycsha, one
of Mohammed's wives. Ridiculous as tho
banner may seem in Christian eves, to tbe
Mussulman it represents the faith of his
fathers. It arouses, ns nothing else can,
nil the fanaticism of bis nature. No Ma
homuu'daii can resist it. “It is,” says Mr.
Moncure Conway, “a fact not universally
known Hint it is a part of the Turkish creed
that success in war is quite independent of
numbers and weapons; that it depends
solely on the will of Allah; and conse
quently it is the tradition of the Turkish
sultans in every case—whatever be tbe
real ground of the quarrel—to assign a re
ligious ground for each war. All other
wars are technically unjust. Thus Soli
mnii 11., when he was defeated by the Ger
mans, at once regarded it as an indication
that Allah had not been interested in a war
which was not purely for his sake, and
remedied tho case by proclaiming that bo
undertook the war “for no other cause but
merely the propagation of the faith.”
Allah is believed very jealous on this point
even when it is one of etiquette. In pur
suance of tbe tradition, every sultan on his
accession visits tho holy monument Eyn
hornarl, where tbe cliiel’ prolate girds him
with a sword, using the words, “ Go ; vic
tory is yours, but only yours from God.
The present sultan went through this cere
mony with unusual solemnities. He and
bis people unquestionably feel that the fate
of Islam is now in the balance.”
The ting of the prophet is to bo unfolded
beyond all question; the Softas are at
work inflaming the people, who are already
ready to die in defence of their faith ; and
the bloody and desperate war will be apt
to include not only the Maliomtnedans of
Turkey, but those of India, Egypt and
I‘ersia as well. In that case Russia would
have to fight armies recruited from 200.-
000,000 of people, all ready to fling life
away in the service of their religion. Such
a war is to be dreaded, hut such a war has
long been inevitable; and now that it is
begun it should go on until the fate of Mos
lcmism in Europe is finally and forever de
cided.
NUMBER 38.
A Had Man Willi a Hail Dye.
Detroit Free I’reit.
There were five passengers on Wood
ward avenue car going north yesterday—
four women and a man. The man was long
bodied and his eyes had a squint, but yet
no one suspected him of being a fiend. It
happened that one of the women sneezed,
and the man suddenly made a dive under
a parcel on the seat and then held up a glass
eye between his thumb and finger.
“ Who sneezed her glass eye out?” ho
blandly inquired, as he looked from one to
the other.
There was an awful silence. The women
turned red and pale and cast sly glances at
each other and then at the false eye.
“Which of you sneezed ?” softly inouired
the man, while he held the eye halt way
across the aisle.
“1 didn't!” replied one, and in a min
ute all denied the fact.
“ Well, I have two natural eyes, you can
all see,” continued the man, “and of
course I had no use for this. It seems to
me that the owner should claim it as she
may find it very difficult to procure an
other as good. I will leave it on the cush
ion and turn my back to all of you.'’
“ And I will leave the car !” exclaimed
one of the women as she pulled the strap.
They were all of the same mind, and as
they walked away from each other each
one looked back and mused :
“ 1 wonder why she didn't claim it ?”
-
Didn't Know Him.
A California paper tells the following of
Lieutenant Derby, “ John Bhoenix,” the
humorist: One evening, at the theatre,
Bhoenix observed a man sitting three seats
in front whom he thought he knew ; he re
quested the person sitting next to him to
punch the other with his cane, The polite
stranger did so, and the person turning his
head a little he discovered his mistake—
that he was not the man he took him for.
Fixing his attention steadfastly on the play,
and affecting unconsciousness of the whole
affair, he left the man with a cane to settle
with the other for the disturbance, who
being wholly without an excuse, there was
of course, a ludicrous and embarrassing
scene, during all which Bhoenix was pro
foundly interested in the play. At last the
man with the cane asked, rather indig
nantly :
“ Didn’t you tell me to punch that man
with my stick?”
“ Yes.”
“And what did you want?”
“ 1 wanted to sec whether you would
punch him or not.”
Hi* Personal Sacrifice.
An applicant for the San Antonio post
office is absolutely certain that Hayes will
give it to him. As there are about twenty
in hot pursuit of the office, we had the cu
riosity to know what made him so positive.
“ Are you the widow of a deceased army
officer, witli a family to support?” we
asked.
He replied that he had never tried to be
anybodys widow.
“ Did you stump for Haves, or were you
on the returning board, or did you save the
Union in the same regiment with Haves,
or did you go to singing school with Whee
ler. or how is it, anyhow, that you know
Hayes will appoint you ?”
“Well, you see I’ve made personal
sacrifices for Hayes.”
“ How so?”
“ It’s confidential, remember.”
“ Certainly, honor bright.”
“Well, I lost five gallons of whiskey
and SSO worth of cigars betting on Tilden.
I have sent on the receipted bills with my
application.”