Newspaper Page Text
A RUSSIAN PRIEST'S ARTIFICE.
Sketches in liu*ia.
All but the tall priest then threw their
cards on the table, and rose, spring, “ A
fresh deal after church service. (It was
Sunday morning.)
*• No. no.” he said, “ keep your hand,
nartner; 1 shall keep mine—it is a good
one—and we shall play the game after our
return. Here, Vassill ; give inc a towel
wet. That will do. Now my robes—
there, that comb. And now go, every one
of you to your posts.” ..... „
Thus saying, he proceeded, with a firm
step to the church, by a private entrance.
\s he left the room l saw him place his
irood hand of cards within his sacred robes,
(under the inside fastening, lie was evi
dently determined not to lose sight of his
trumps, and carried them off on his person
into the church. I ran round to the front
entrance, and was just in time to witness
the commencement of the service. It is a
wonder judgment did not fall on the chief
priest; and it did in a way. At one part of
the service, just as he was stepping on the
platform, lie put his hand inside his robe to
pull out his handkerchief, and as he drew
It out the cards came also unhidden and
fell scattered over the altar floor. This
would have paralyzed any ordinary man,
tfut that priest never moved for a moment,
lie looked coolly at the cards, then steadi
ly at the people, as much as to say, “ You
all see that —take notice of it ; I shall tell
you about it by and by.” He then con
tinued the service. At the close he point
ed at the cards, then beckoned a little peas
ant boy, with a short skirt of coarse linen
trowsers (o match, not very clean, who
had been crossing and bending beside a
poor peasant woman, his mother.
“ Come here !” The boy went.
Turning to the congregation, he said : “ 1
shall give you a lesson you will not forget
for some time. You see those cards on the
iloor ? Do you think I put them there for
nothing? We shall see. What is your
name, my hoy?”
“ Peter Petrovitch.”
“ Well. Peter Petrovitch, go and pick up
one of those cards you see on the floor,
and bring it to me. There, that will do.
Now tell me, Peter Petrovitch, what card
is this?”
“ The ace of spades,” said the hoy, with
ready knowledge.
•* Very good. Peter Petrovitch ; bring
me another. What card is this?”
“ The queen of spades,” said Peter.
“How well you know them, Peter!
; Bring me another. And what may that
l he ?”
“ The ten of hearts.”
| “That will do, Peter, the son of Peter.
I Now turn round and look at this picture.
! Can you tell me what saint it represents?”
The bov scratched at his head, then
shrugged his little shoulders, lifting them
up to his cars, then scratched his head
again, and said :
“ T know not.”
“ Now look at this one—who is this?”
The same answer.
“ And this ?”
“I cannot tell.”
“ That will. do. Peter, the son of Peter ;
you may go to your mother.” Turning to
the people, he continued, “Do you now
know for what purpose l put these cards
on the floor? Do you not think shame of
yourselves? Tell me, say is it not dis
graceful and scandalous that the nice white
haired little boy can tell me in a moment
the name of every card in the pack, and he
not know the name of one of the blessed
saints? 0 shame, shame on ye, so to bring
up the young after all the good teaching 1
have given you this blessed day. Don't
forget it. and force me to bring cards into
this holy place again. Vassill, put the
other cards up. and keep them for me.”
So. with solemn step, he left the church
to play out liis interrupted game.
Ask (lie Old Woman.
A gentleman travelling out \\ est relates
the following :
Riding horseback just at night through
the woods in Signor county Michigan, 1
came into the clearing, in the middle o!
which stood a log house, its owner sitting
in the door smoking his pipe. Stopping
ni} r horse before him, the following conver
sation ensued:
“ Good evening, sir,” said I.
“Good evening.”
“ Can I get a glass of milk from you to
drink?”
*■ Well I don't know. Ask the old wo
man.”
By this time his wife was standing at his
side.
“ Oh, yes, said she, of course you can.”
While drinking it I asked :
“ Think we are going to have a storm .
“ Well 1 really don't know. Ask the
old woman—she can tell.”
“ I guess he shall get one right away,
she said.
Again I asked :
“ llow much land have you got cleared
here?”
“ Well I really don't know. Ask; the
old woman —she knows.”
•• About nineteen acres,” said she, again
answering.
Just then a troop of children came run
ning and shouting around the corner of the
shanty.
“ All these your children?” said 1.
“ Don't know. Ask the old woman
she knows.”
1 did not wait to hear any reply, but
drew up the reins and left immediately.
A .Joke wit Is a Hotel lire Apparatus.
Anew electric alarm lias been intro
duced into the St. George Hotel, Philadel
phia. The machine the other night was
inade the subject of a practical test by a
party of young men. headed by a young
naval officer, who. in their desire to perpe
trate what they no doubt looked upon as a
practical joke.'did not consider the serious
results tliat might have ensued. The ap
paratus affords instantaneous knowledge
of high temperature in every part of the
house. When the heat rises above ninety
degrees a bell rings behind the office desk,
and rings louder as the heat grows greater.
From a large water tank situated on the
roof that portion of the building in flames
can be instantly flooded with water. W ith
gleeful smiles the leader of the jovial
p.frty applied a lighted match to that por
tion of the apparatus connected with the
room in w hich they were located, and m-
$1.50 A YEAR.
stantly the bells in the office rang out vig
orously, the members of the tire brigade
rushed to their allotted posts and the wa
ter poured in upon the nice young men.
dampening their spirits and their clothes
and drenching the carpet and furniture.
The lady guests ran screaming from their
rooms, the once smiling youths swam out
from the apartment, squeezed their stream
ing clothes and tried not to look foolish,
and failed most .admirably. Matters ex
plained. the threatened panic was averted,
and the damp young men stood before the
clerk’s desk, little rivulets streaming be
hind them, while a nice little bill of dam
ages was made out for the practical jokers.
Two *‘€liTce" for One.
Jloxton Commercial llullclin.
The English language is often a puzzle to
foreigners, and sometimes drives an Amer
ican hotel keeper into a corner, as for in
stance in the following experience at the
Fifth Avenue Hotel, where a wealthy
French guest came to complain at the of
fice. and was then met by the gracious
Griswold, who rose to explain :
“ What for, sare, your garcon not pre
sent my demand ?”
“ Your demand. Monsieur?”
“ Yes, sare. Do I speak lnglis per fail,
sare? Do you comprehend me. sare?”
“Certainly, your English is perfectly
correct, my dear sir. What is your de
sire?”
“ Yy, sare, j r ou can tell me T can have
at my private table wis my frens vatever 1
desire to manger—pardon, to eat.”
“ Certainly.” said Griswold ; “anything
—stewed dudbloons and diamond sauce, if
you wish.”
“Ah. no. Monsieur, zat is too richc. T
simply desire some grice.”
“Eh ! some what?”
“Some grice. Monsieur Griswold, such
as I eat for my dinnay ze ozer day.”
“Ah! you mean rice, boiled rice—cer
tainly, ail the rice you desire.”
“ No, sare ! It is not rice. Zat is what
zat premier garcon—head wait are—say.
It is a bird I want, sare ; 1 want him roast,
not boil.”
“ Roast grice ! Why, let me see,” said
Griswold, in a dilemma, not wishing to ap
pear ignorant of his guest's meaning. "I
don’t believe there is a single grice in the
market.”
“ Ah, you make meestake ven you say
single grice.”
“ Indeed?”
“ Yes. sar. Yat you call a leetle rat!”
“ Mouse.” suggested the hotel proprietor.
‘‘Yes. Zen. two of zcm. vat you call
two —mice, eh?”
“ Quite correct,” responded the host.
“ Zen, if one is ze bird you call grouse,
two is what you call grice. eh ?”
“ Why, not exactly,” said the hotel
man, struggling to keep countenance;
“we say too grouse, just as we say two
sheep or two deer—but for mouse, mice,
and—”
“ Yaas, sar,” said Monsieur, triumphant
ly, “ and vy not you say two hice for [two
houses, or two louse for two louses, or—”
How far he might have continued cannot
be said but at that moment the head clerk.
Palmer, standing near, had a violent attack
of coughing, and Carr, the room clerk
walked off suddenly and slammed on the
big bell, and called for “front” to do
something, and stuck his own head down
beneath the counter, as the amused host
walked away towards the dining hall wiih
his guest to" order the “ two grice ” for
Monsieur’s private table.
Klinkus sc lid l!io Kl)lcr.
Last night, just after Blink us and his
wife were snugly stowed away in bed. Mrs.
13. thought she heard the front door slam.
“ Ilubbic dear, do you bear that front
door slamming?”
“No, dearie, I locked it just before T
wound up the clock.”
“ I didn't sec you go out in the ball.”
“ lint 1 did, love.”
“ I think you must be mistaken.”
“ Well, I know when I locked the door,
dammit!”
“Now, you shan't swear at me. That
door is open and you know it. 'Snosen
the burglars get in and carry off all the
silver. We'd be in a nice fix.”
“They'd be worse off with the old pla
ted stuff. Besides, who in h—l ever heard
of a burglary above A street?”
“ Tf you don't get up and lock that door,
I'll rush out and scream for the police.
I'll rouse the neihgborhood if it's the last
act of my life.”
Blinkus, somewhat alarmed at the threat,
rose up and began to fumble around for a
match.
“ The matches are at the end of the
washstand. love.”
Blinkus passed at the point designated
and broke a soap-dish.
“ I never saw such an awkward man
since I was born,” quoth Mrs. 13. from
the bed, just as 15. stumbled hack over a
spittoon, and sat down in it so forcibly that
it was smashed into forty pieces.
“O Lord !” ejaculated Mrs. 15.
Blinkus next struck his toe against a
towel rack, and an oath dissolved itself in
to the darkness. Then he stepped on the
baby's rattle and ran one of the points in
to his foot half an inch. Jumping aside he
upset the center-table, and began to floun
der out toward the hall. His young hope
ful's chair was there, and he fell over it six
different times before he reached the door.
“ Was it open?” queried a voice from
the bed.
“ No. !”
“Oh ! it must have been something else
I heard.”
The Chicago baby show was a sad fail
ure. Thousands of indignant women re
fused to contribute, on the ground that the
show was given on too short notice.
HARTWELL, G.V., WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13, 1877.
llu.yeV* Praver.
Now I lay mi
Down to sleep,
1 have no wish
Awake to keep ;
My pray’r is, while
1 close my eyes.
Don't wake me up
Till Duller dies.
Oh! Farm Not lliv Habit.
Savannah Mornitty .Vrir*.
BY MRS. EMJSABHTH O. HANXKI.I.EY.
Oh ! form not the habit, the chain is ne'er
riven
Except by a power that cometh from
Heaven ;
Though formed link by link, drop by drop
of the wine.
So easily welded by efforts of thine.
Only G od, in his mercy, can sunder the
ties.
And clear the dim mist from thy “ blood
shot ten ” eyes.
Oh ! form not the habit, the Tempter will
say
Sweet things to allure, to beguile thee
away ;
She'll tell thee the goblet is sparkling and
bright,
But say naught of “adders,” their veno
mous ” bile;”
She'll speak of the roses of health it will
bring.
But nothing will say of the “ serpents ”
that “ sting
Though coiled at the bottom, all hid from
I by sight,
Is the viper so dark, ’neath the surface so
bright,
She’ll beg thee to drink till his fang hath
struck deep ;
Her vigils no longer she'll then slay to
keen.
For well doth she know that her victim is
bound
With a fiery cable wrapt tightly around.
Oh ! form not the habit, go not to the
brink.
That were easier far than to rise when we
sink ;
’Twere easier now, happy youth, tosayno.
Than to rise from the depths of unspeak
able woe ;
’Twere easier far to win laurels of fame,
Than wipe the dark stains from a once tar
nished name.
Oh ! form not the habit, (he drunkard’s
dark grave
Oft is reached while he cries : “ 1 am free,
not a slave !”
And the echo comes back, like the tide of
the sea,
“ A drunkard, no never, no ne'er shall I
be !”
lie cries : “I can break,” while lie rivets
the chain.
And sinks ’neath his fetters to rise not
again.
Oh! “touch not,” or “handle,” Oh!
“ taste not ” the wine,
Though its rubys, its heads, and its dia
monds shine;
They glitter to light up the same thorny
way,
That have ever led others from virtue away.
Oh ! form not the habit, the chain is ne'er
riven,
Except by a power that cometh from
Heaven.
I’opplcioii‘N .Mistake,
Xorrutvwn Herald.
A Chinese physician says that in case of
nightmare, instead of rudely awaking the
sleeper by bringing in a light, you should
bite his toe.” This is a very simple
remedy—at least Mrs. Poppleton thought
so, for she treasured the recipe up in one
of the chambers of Iter memory, and Hie
other night, when Poppleton was seized
with a two-horse nightmare, seventeen
hands high, and in a mulHed and ghostly
voice muttered, “ Owhowhwohho ! Uug
ughngh !" as if a circus elephant was per
forming tricks on his stomach, she quickly
slid to the foot of the bed, and was in the
act of seizing his big toe in her teeth, when
the dreamer gave a vigorous kick and Mrs.
Poppleton was shot over the tail-hoard of
the bed on to the floor, with four teeth half
way down her throat. The noise awaken
ed Poppleton. and hearing his wife scream
ing at the rate of forty knots an hour, he
thought no less than ten thousand masked
burglars were in the room, and, without
striking a light, he seized a chair and wildly
struck right and left all over the room,
nearly braining Mrs. Poppleton before he
saw the situation of affairs. It was a ter
rible mistake, and Mrs. Poppleton was
laid up for two weeks and five days, and
the first thing she did when she recovered
sufficient strength was to smash one hun
dred and seventy-five dollars' worth of
Chinese curiosities she had purchased at
the Centennial; and she says if she were a
man she would go to China and not return
home until she had split open that physi
cian from head to foot, or words to that
effect. Poppleton enjoys his nightmares
as of yore, without wifely interference,
How to liaise Mosquitoes.
The following quiet hit of sarcasm, which
we find in the Raleigh News, should he a
hint to some of our citizens whose hack
yards perchance are graced with buckets or
barrels of slops and water:
As the mosquito season is rapidly ad
vancing and the.mode of propagating them
may not he known to most of our citizens,
we propose to give a few points for the ben
efit of all concerned. Get a few barrels,
half barrels, or tubs of half barrel capaci
ty. fill with water as soon as possible (the
season is advancing and the older the water
the better) and place them about the yard;
by the first of June you may look out for
Ia good errp. You need have no fears of
the result of the experiment; they will
conic sure, provided you do not disturb the
water vessels. If the barrels, half barrels
or tubs arc already supplied with rain wa
ter from .the caves or gutter spouts, so
much the better for r.n early crop.
—-
Tl ONI I.ove.
Vcmjthi* Avalamh*.
Last Tuesday afternoon Detective Prvde
stepped on hoard the steamer John B.
Maude ns she touched the levee, and ap
proaching n brunette lending a white poodle,
politely told her that she was wanted on n
telegram received from St. Louis.
“ it's my husband,” said she. “ I will
wait, but he can never induce me to live
with him again.” She walked to the Wor
sham House with a firm tread and her lit
tle white poodle behind her.
The husband arrived in duo time. An
interview was arranged and took place.
Mr. Gardner approached madam with ex
tended hand, but madam would have none
of it. What did the deserted husband do
then? Ho knew well the path to the wo
man heart. Tenderly and gently he led her
memory hack to the little cradle and its
baby inmate in which mingled their blood
in common ; thence he brought to her mind
the baby shoes, the little torn apron, the
hall, the marble—all that remain of their
! idol now in heaven. The mother’s he rt,
through the little dead form, and the swt
piclure of the white (lowers on a short
coffin, warmed again toward the father of
her hoy. Her face twitched with emotion,
and as the bright days of the honeymoon
were brought hack to her thoughts, sobs
shook her frame, and between tears she
said, “ I'll return with you.”
The battle was won, and husband, wife
and the little white poodle returned to St.
Louis by the first train.
To Measure l.anil.
A progressive farmer says the most sim
ple way to measure land is to take two
slats about six feet long, sharpen one end
of each, lay them upon a floor like a pair
of open compasses, so that the points shall
be exactly five feet and six inches apart;
now nail the other two ends together and a
piece across the middle, so that it will look
like the letter A. and the measure is finish
ed. To measure land, place one point at
the starting place, and the other also on
the ground in a straight line for destination ;
stand alongside the machine with one hand
on top of it; take one step forward, tip up
the point that is behind, swing it around
(from you) on the other point and set it in
a line also. A person in this manner can
measure correctly as fast as he can walk.
Three spaces make a rod—walk straight
without stopping, count the spaces, divide
these by three, and you have the rods.
A I'sp of S*‘w.
One of our exchanges indulges in the
use of P’s to express wliat it may be health
ful to all subscribers to newspapers to
read, meditate and inwardly digest. It
says: “ Persons who patronize papers
should pay promptly, for the pecuniary
prospccis of the press have peculiar power
m pushing forward public prosperity. If
the printer is paid promptly and his pocket
hook kept plethoric by prompt-paying pa
trons. he puts his pen to paper in peace;
he paints his pictures of passing events in
more pleasant colors, and the perusal of
his paper is more pleasure to his people.
Paste this piece of proverbial philosophy
in some place where all persons can per
ceive it. Be pleased also to ponder upon it
thyself patiently and perscveringly and
profitably, and persistently practice its
precepts perpetually.”
The Burlington Ifawlri/e man is as well
as could be expected, lie gave the baby
some paragoric the other day anil launched
out thus : " Death, while passing through
lies Moines county one day, met an lowa
tramp going to Burlington to beg his break
fast. Ah !” exclaimed the King of Ter
rors, with a grim smile, “I’d give SI,OOO
to get hold of one of you fellows.” But
the tramp only laughed in a sardonical
manner, and giving Death a kick that made
his anatomy rattle like a street car. passed
on to his repast while the King of'l errors
sat down on the hillside and cried with
vexation.” And then lie immediately
turned right around and did thus : “ A
man on Pond street went down to a New
York bankrupt sale the other day and
bought a beautiful spring suit, imported
goods worth SBS for $7.50. The first day
he wore it he was caught in a drenching
rain, and then as he walked out in the sun
shine his new clothes began to shrink up
around his shoulders and pulled his arms
out of joint, and his Irowsers gathered
themselves up like a balky horse, picked
the man up, walked him along on his lip
toes for a half a block, and were just on
the point of twisting him clear over a gar
den fence, when his suspenders gave way
and let them fly right over his head and he
never saw them again.”
Among the papers of a thief arrested in
New York last week were found written
the following truths : “ Vice is only lazi
ness. and law-breaking an attempt to dodge
the law of labor.” “ The chief cause of
crime is the desire to obtain aliiing by
some easier means than honest toil.”
Two young ladies were once singing a
duet in a concert room. A stranger, who
had heard better performance, turned to his
neighbor, saying : “Does not the lady in
white sing wretchedly?” “Excuse me,
sir,” replied he, “ I scarcely feel at liberty
to express my sentiments; she is my sis
ter.’ - “ I beg your pardon, sir,” answered
he, in much confusion, “ 1 mean the lady
in blue.” “ You are perfectly right there,”
replied the neighbor; “I have often told
her so myself; she is my wife.”
FINNY BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH.
Tlie OawiUh. 1 1 s Origin, Habit**, I *c,
lilliiM licrude**. )mi 111 ies mill Deled*,.
\a*hritU .1 merienn.
This muscular crustacean is a cross be
tween a freak of nature and the crab tribe.
It has twenty-one stripes around its tail
and one down the middle of its hack. Its
eyes are set on stems and its mouth is
placed in its bosom, in order, we suppose,
to economize emotional space. 11 develops
when growing up a proverbial agility for
getting out of had places last end foremost,
; according to the Scriptural injunction that
| the last shall be first, which is altogether
| commendable. The creature is altogether
an animal of a retiring disposition. He is
first cousin to the nimble shrimp, hut like
Abraham and Lot. these two dwelt not to
gether in unity, lienee the nimble shrimp
took up his abode among the lakes and
rivers, and the crawfish dwelt in the ditch
es and on the plains, where the tall cliitn
nevs of his abode may he seen dotting iho
landscape unto this day, signifying unto the
beholder that the animal belonged origin
ally to the Masonic order, mid has always
been among mud-slingers the champion
thereof. The most disreputable trait of
this beast consists in his being an uninit
iga ed bore, only equalled by the parisiti
cal office seeker anti excelled only by the
persistant exehnnge fiend. The red noso
of the crawfish bet rays liis praiswortliy
aversion to water. So great is the crea
ture’s abhorence of this liquid that ever
since bis creation be lias been engaged in
laudable endeavors to let all the water out
of the earth by boring holes through its
bottom, anti it is not his fault that lie has
not yet succeeded. Crawfish are some
times eaten. One way to cook them is to
boil them in salt and water till they are
j done to a sunrise turn, then givo them to
the hogs. Another way, ami this wo rec
! commend, is to take the crawfish, give
them to a good cook, in sufficient numbers.
| let him boil them, peel them, stuff them
, with proper seasoning, insert the stuffing
in the cleansed head of the boiled animal,
and serve the whole upon the table in the
shape of n “ bisque ” —a dish fit for the
most delicate painted among the gods.
Outside of being instrumental in making
Jup the elements of a first class bisque, we
do not know what the crawfish is good for,
unless it he to lake the place of some of the
missing weights in the eternal equipoise of
creation, where to use a common simile,
they appear to be ns useful ns sand in sugar.
Crawfishes cannot be said to he endowed
with keen menial faculties, inasmuch as
they permit themselves to he taken in by
such simple animals as the coons, and this
is the way the coon goes about it: As
soon as he discovers a crawfish bathing he
hides his head and drops his tail over the
brink into the water, the crawfish, curious
as Mother Eve. discovering a tempting
similnrit yin the number of rings ilint adorn
the coon’s tail, takes hold for a mmole's
examination; the coon makes a spring for
ward. drawing the unwary crawfish on dry
land, where lie devours him at leisure,
thus doing more than any Federal admin
istration or even the Louisiana Levee Com
pany has over done toward protect'tig the
fertile lands of our beloved .State from in
undation, and furthermore adorning its
(ale (we don't intend this for a pun) with
the moral which is new only for craw
fishes, that “ all that glitters is not gold !”
A laughable story is related of Dunning,
an English judge. It is said of him that
frequently, in the examination of witnesses,
he often “displayed great coarseness, and
drew upon himself the animadversion of
his brethren.” On one occasion, wishing
to establish the identity of a party through
the instrumentality of an unsophisticated
old woman (occupying the witness stand),
the following highly amusing colloquy is
said to have taken place between Dunning
and the old woman.
“ Was he a tall man ?”
“ Not very tall, your honor—much about
the size of your worship’s honor.”
“ Was lie good looking?”
“ Quite contrary—much like your honor;
but with a handsomer nose.”
“ Did he squint ?”
“ A little, your worship ; but not so
much as your honor by a great deal !”
These replies produced a roar of laugh
ter in the court, in which Lord Mansfield
(who was on the Bench) is said to have
joined.
NUMRER 4>.
The Baltimore Aw rican referring to the
extraordinary prevalence of suicide at this
time adds : “We can recall a number of
instancss in which men who were out of
employment, after seeking work for many
days and finding none, deliberately put an
end to their existence. 1 hey had families,
and it was the phantom of a starving house
hold that unsettled their reason and par
alyzed their moral faculties. But, strange
enough the unhappy wives, who are thus
deserted in their poverty, struggle bravely
on, and it is a rare circumstance that one
ofthem dies by her own hand. Some wo
men are driven to suicide by religious ex
citement. and others prefer death to a life
of shame, but the sex enjoys comparative
immunity from the two causes which cre
ate the self-destroying mania in men—
namely, drunkenness and the despair which
spring’s from the apprehension of starva
tion.”
“ ft was at that critical moment of the
battle.” said a Bubuquc minister in an im
passioned burst of eloquence last Sabbath,
••when the Wuke of Dellington— I mean
the Belle of Wullington—l should say,
when the Wclk of Dullington—that is,
when the Dale of Welkington at the wat
tle of liattcrloo—er—urn.” And then
somehow the passage appeared to be so
badly mangled that lie didn't think it would
pay to repair it, so he said, ” And lastly,”
and went on.
Belton, (S. C..) produced a mad dog
which played havoc with the canines of
that quiet town on last Thursday night
by biting a great many of them. The dog
was killed by ('apt. Ira C. Williams, and
many of the bitten dogs were also killed,
and others have been put up to await re
sults. —Anderson Intelligencer.
Just circulate the report that a Sunday
school picnic will be given in a few weeks,
and see if your school doesn't rapidly
increase in numbers. Lads will go who
never went before, and th*ec who generally
go will go the more.