Newspaper Page Text
HOPE.
The othei Jay, when the thermometer
marked “red-hot and growing worse,”
and w hen Bijsb was almost melted into
a shapeless mass, he received an official
letter from the Board <sf Police Commis
sioners which tickle<T every one of his
ribs in quick succession. The letter was
to>he effect that his increasing ago and
cares, with due respect to the greht work
he had already done, and a desire to see
him take on a youdiful look around the j
chin and cars,' had iuduccd the board to
grant the old janitor leave of absence for
several weeks —prty to go on just the
same.
“Oh, gratitude where is your sting?"
exclaimed the old man as he folded the
letter napkin-fashion and wiped his eyqg.
“If anybody had presented me with a
pair of skates I couldn’t have begun to
feel as I do over this."
He thought of tho shores of the moaning
sea —
He thought o£.a trip to the West;
In fancy he hunted the Northern woods,
As he pulled down his linen vest.
He planned a trip to the Arctic Sea,
Ana another to Mexico ; ..
And also thought of old Vermont,
And her mountains capped wjth snow.
But the public couldn't spare hin.
As soon as it became noised that the old
man meant to walk his fbet out of town
for tho summer, there was great commo
tion around the station house.
The children they came and wept sad tears.
The women they gasped, “ Good-bye !”
Old men and young extended a hand
And brushed a tear from the eye.
And when he came to think of his
rnnche his resolution was badly shaken.
Tliatone string-bean he had so carefully
tcudpd and sheltered and protected was
pi most rcildy for eating. Two cabbages
struggling for a place in this sad world,
pined for bis assistance. The beets, ns-
Cucumbers and tomatoes seem
ed ffHng! him to come and sec the cau
cus^R, ‘while the onions—
EaclWnion it wept a smarting tear
As it softly whispered : “ Old man, don't
clear!" Q,
When he had come to consider all
things By all decided to dßniain at home.
Further, he made it known that he
would devofe one hour per day to re
ceiving calls from people in sorrow and
distress and in need of sympathy and
advice.
* -i ui!iX A ikAivK 1 •
Saturday vsg the day sejj.o receive
the first calls, and during Thursday and
Friday Bijah was busy \vith his prepara
tions. Knowing that he would have to
do with the incorrigible small boy and
the bad big boy, he fitted up a spare
room at the station and put on the door
the sign : “The badness spanked out of
’em in here —no charge.” The room is
fitted up with a stout bench six feet long,
a buck and buck saw', four good raw
hides, a clothes line, an arm-chair with
a bar and padlock, half a hunch of
shingles selected for use as spankers, a
fifteen-cent looking-glass and other ar
ticles of no particular value to anyone
but the owner.
TIIE RECEPTION-ROOM.
This room is provided with arm-chains,
lemon-colored matting on the floor, a
basin in which to wash out tear-stained
handkerchiefs, a bundle of soft rags to
wife the children’s nose on and a book
of poetry containing such consoling
couplets as:
“ Oh ! mother wipe away that tear —
I’ll spank it out of him, ne'er fear.”
And—
” Oh ! wives bear up and come to me —4
There's happiness in store for thee.”
And —
“ Old woman wipe those weeping eyes—
There's rest for you beyond the skies.”
THE FIRST CALLER.
The hour of 4 p. m. had scarcely
struck when the door was opened and a
little woman with a sharp face and a
long, thin nose was admitted. She had
heen weeping. ' There was a quiver to
her chin as she folded her fan, and she
sighed with a terrible dreariness as she
took a chair and began:
“ Mr. Joy, you sec before ybu the
wreck of a once happy wife.”
“ Once happy wife, but now perfectly
reckless, even about new hate. I see,
madam —proceed,” he replied.
“My husband is out every night till
almost midnight,” she continued, as the
tears came. “ fflice lie called me dar
ling ; now he refers to me as Sarah Jane.
Once he patted my head and praised me ;
now I can’t come near him but he wants
to know if I have been eatiug onions
ngain. It has been growing on him for
a whole vear, and to-day I am the sad
dest woman in Detroit. What shall I
do—what can I do?”
He solemnly picked up the dictionary,
looked under thd head of “ Z ” for a few
minutes, aud closing the book leaned
back and said:
“ Madam, I find nothing in Xorc Wcb-
VOU II—NO. a!.
ster’s writing* bearing nn TTnmense, but
T think I seethe remedy. When you go
home give the house a good sweeping,
and don’t leave any apple-cores or base
ball clubs in the Then put on
a tidy dress, pin a blean collar around
your neck, shine up your ear-rings, tie
on a nice white apron, and us you hear
the old boy coming up the path to-night
strike up the biggest song atad give him
the biggest smile you cau and not in
crease the size of your mouth. Thut’s
my remedy, madam, and if you’ll try it
111 bet you a wooden-leg against a pa
per of pins that he'll light his pipe after
supper, takfijiis seat on and
start out with pet names containing
four syllables.’*
&lie was rod in the faoe as lie paused,
but she remembered that she had only
two hair pins iu her head, one shoe was
untied and there were three gr<a;e-spots
ofi heiress in plain sight, and she coil
ed her temper and said:
“ Maybe it is my fault and I’ll follow
your advice.’j t .... ,
“Do, madam. AXothing so discour
ages a husband as to come home at night
and find an old corset under the table,
and a bear trap-on the
lduhge and a slip-sliod wife limping
around with the camphor-bottle in one
hand and the biscuit-pan* iu the otfier,
and wishing some peddler would come
along with cinnamon essence* Good
day madam—come back if* it don't
wgrk." 45 '
THE DOVE OF PEACE. ,
The next caller was a matron of 40,
wearing a half-defiant, half-repentant
look and she explained:
“ Bijah, three days ago my husband
came home cross. I felt that same way.
too, and when he found fault because
the water boiled out of the potatoes, I
gave him to understand that l didn't
worJ brought on another, and I left
him.”
“ The plot thickens—proceed.”
“I am ashamed of my conduct, and I
think he feels the same, but is it my du
ty to goto him and ask his forgiveness?
No! I never will!”
“ But you like him ?”
“Kinder.”
“ And he likes you ?”
“ Yes —kinder.”
“ And you had a pleasant home?”
“Y-yes.”
“Madanij tic the strings of your bor.-
nfctin a hard knot, take a snuff of harts
horn to strengthen your nerves arid walk
right home from here. Begin grinning
as you enter the gate, jump into the door
without a word and when you catch
sight of him picking the carpet tacks
out of his early supper, with the broom
on the melodeon, and dust-pan on the
centre table and the pots and kettles-on
the weodbox, do you call out in your
best: “ Hello, old pard, let’s kiss and
settle for a hundred cents on the dollar!”
He'll break right down like a yearling
calf under a load of grindstones.”
“ But he ought to come to me.”
“ Madam, don't wait; didn't I have
three different wives hang off' on me, and
didn't they all die waiting for me to
give in first?”
“ I—l'm awful proud, but I like
John,” she mused ; and she headed for
home as she went out, having agreed to
carry out the programme to the letter.
“ Blessed are the—the —what do you
call them fellers?” said Bijah, as he look
ed after her. “He’ll cave in—she’ll
fee! happy, and the song of the mulberry
will woo them to sleep. Let’s have a
rest.”
George was Profane.
The celebration of the battle of Mon
mouth recalls the tradition that Wash
ington swore at Lee there a hundred
years ago in the way the occasion de
manded. General Charles Scott of
Virginia was a very profane man, and
a friend, after the war, anxious to cor
rect his bad habit, asked him if “ the
admired Washington ever swore.
“ Yes, once,” said Scott, after a mo
ment’s reflection; “it was at Mon
mouth, and on a day that would make
any man swear. Yes, sir, he swore on
that day till the leaves shook on the
trees, charmingly, delightfully. Never
have I enjoyed such swearing before or
since. Sir, on that ever memorable
dav he swore like an angel from
heaven.”
HARTWELL, GA„ WEDNESDAY, AUGUST U 1878.
The Iron Wes-of a Poet*
While Colonel Bangs, editor of the
Argus, was sitting in his office one day,
a man whose brow was clothed with
Thunder entered. Fiercely seizing a
chair, ho 'dammed his hat on the table,
hurled his umbrella on the floor and sat
down.
“ Aro you the editor ?" he asked.
“ Yes.”
“ Can you read writing ?"
“ Of course.”
“ Read that, then," he said, thrust,
ing at the colonel an envelope with an
inscription ofi it.
“ B—," saiff the colonel, trying to
-spell it.
“ That’s not aB. It’s an S," said
the man.
“S; oh yes; I see! 4 WeIl, the
words look, a little like ‘ Salt for Din
ner,’ or ‘ Souls for Sinners,’ ” said the
Oolonel. y .
“ No, sir,” replied the man, “nothing
of the kind ! That’s my name—-Sam’l
11. Brunner. I knew you couldn't rgad.
I called to see you about that poem of
mine yon printed the other day, on the
‘Surcease of Sorrows***
- 1 don't j-emembter it,” said the cob
onel.
“Of course you don’t, because It
went into the paper under the infamous
title of ‘ Smearcasc To-morrow.’ ”
“A stupid'"blunder of the composi
tors, I suppose." k
“ Yes, siiyand ffiat's what I want to
see you about. The way in which that
poepi was mutilated was simply scan
dalous. I haven’t slept a night since.
It exposecl me? to derision. People
think lam an ass. Let me show you.”
“ Go ahead,” said the colonel."
“ The first line, when I wrote it, read
in this way:
'l.uiljcr lair n ~— --**
That is- beautiful, poetic, affecting.
Now how did your vile sheet present it
to the public ? There it is ! Look at
that! Made it read this way :
‘Lying to a weeping widow to induce her
to elope.’
Weeping widow, mind you ! A widow ?
This is too much ! It’s enough to drive
a man crazy !” 1|
“ I’m sorry’,” said the colonel;
- but—’’ , ■ -
“ But look a-liere at the fourth verse,
said the mall. “ That’s worse yet.
What I said :
‘Cast thy pearls before tl|c swine, and lose
therti in the dirt.’ ‘
I wrote that out clearly and distinctly,
in a plain, round hand, what
does your compositor do ? Does he
catch the sense of that beautiful senti
ment ? Does it sink into his soul ?
No sir ! He sets it up in this fashion.
Listen:
‘Cart thy pills before the sunrise and love
th6irf if they hurt.’
Now, isn't that a cold-blooded outrage
on a man's feelings ? I'll leave it to
you if it isn't ?”•
“ It's hard, that’s a fact,” said the
colonel.
“And then take the fifth verse. In
the original manuscript it said, plain as
daylight:
“Take away the jingling money ; it is only
glittering dross !’
A man with only one eye, and a cata
ract over that, could have read the
words correctly. Hut your pirate up
stairs there, do you know wjiat he did?
He made it read :
‘Take aivay the jeering monkeys on a sore
ly glandcrea hoss !’
Uy George, I felt like braining him with
a fire shovel! I was never so cut up
in my life.”
“ It was natural, too,” said the colo
nel. *
“There, for instance, was the sixth
verse. I wrote:
‘ I am w'eary with the tossing of the ocean
as it heaves.’
It is a lovely line, too; but imagine my
horror and the anguish of my family,
when I opened your papers and saw the
line transformciHnto:
‘I am wearing out my trotisers till they’re
open at the knees ?’
That is a little too much! That seems
to me like carrying the thing an inch
or two too far. I think I have a con
stitutibnal right to murder that com
positor ; don’t you !”
.“ I think you have.”
“ Let me read you one more verse.
I wrote:
‘T swell the flying echoes aA they man?
among the hills,
And f feel my soul awuken to the testacy
that thrills.’ „
what do you s’posc your misera
ble outcast turned that into ? Why,
into this:
“I smell the (Vying shoes as they roast
along the bulls.
And I peel mv solo mistaken in thocrccta
ry that whirls.’
Gibberish sir! Awful gibberish! I
must slay that man. Where is he ?”
“ He is out, just now,” said the colo
nel. “Come in to-morrow.”
“ I will,' said the poet; “ and will
Come armed.”
I hen he put on his hat, shouldered
his umbrella, and drifted off down
stairs.
Conjuration.
Editors The Sen ; We often hear a
long harangue about conjuring. I be
lieve it is generally conceded by an en
lightened people that there Id no virtue
in conjuration;, but occasionally you
find a man or woman of considerable
intelligence.that believe in all the cere
monious incantations of the day. Some
do most sincerely believe in some cer
tain ceremony removing cancers, warts,
toothache, thrash, wens, etc. This is a
matter that I have alwajs had a desire
to see thoroughly investigated, and
proven to be true, or plainly shown to
be uttqrlyrfalqc. My meaning is, that
some well-road person would confer a
favor of no inconsiderable magnitude
by giving us the history of the rise and
progress of conjuration ; if it is false,
show it to be so; if true, sustain the
truth of it by such good reason that no
disbeliever can say a word against the
argument. Il‘ it be not true, then let
such plain and pungent areument be
must be true or false; for it ennnotr
certainly be both true and false at the
same time. Now we would most earn
estly request the intellectual readers of
this article to give us an article (if the
editors will allow it) on the above theme.
You may ask your whole community,
one by one, and mark down the result,
and you will find that half or two
thirds of the WHITE people believe
in such tilings. It seems to be getting
time that people were set right on this
matter; for it affects peoples’ minds
ami actions more than tho casual ob
server might believe. C. B. M.
A Diplomatic Answer.
The old man Smith, of Richfield, is
a self-sufficient sort ol' old fellow, and
prides himself upon his riding abilities.
One day he espied his young hopeful
leading a colt to water gingerly, and
remarked :
“ Why on earth don’t you ride that
beast ?"
“ I’m ’fraid to; 'lraki he’ll throw ne.”
“ Bring that boss here,” snapped the
old man.
The colt was urged up to the fence,
and braced on one side by the b6y
while the old man cjimbed on to the
rails and stocked himself on the colt’s
back. Then he was let go, and the old
gentleman rode proudly off. Paralyzed
by fear the colt went slowly for about
twenty rods without a demonstration.
Then like lightning his four legs bunch
ed together, his back bowed like a via
duct arch, and the old man shot up in
the air, turned seven separate and dis
tinct Somersaults, and lit on the small
of his back in the middle of the road,
witli both legs twisted around his neck.
Hastening to him the young hopeful
anxiously inquired:
“ Did it hurt you, pa ?”
The old man rose slowly, shook orit
the knots in his legs, brushed the dust
from his ears and. hair and rubbing his
braised elbows growled:
“ Well, it didn't do me a dnm bit of
good. You go home.”
A Very Good Reason.
The Washington Post is responsible
for the following:
A woman put herself in the hands
of a Boston dentist to have her teeth
reorganized. He found them in a very
bad plight, and asked her why she had
allowed them to become so decayed
without coming to him or some other
dentist. She replied that she had not
had time. “ But,” he replied, “it would
WHOLE NO. 10IG
not have taken long, and you could
have come in any time." ■ “ Well, sir,"
she replied, “if you had had a baby
every year for the last, ten Venrs, yon
would think if was about enough to
attend to.”
‘ J - • , JTj gd
An Arkansas Cow.
'fhe yield of milk from Northern
dairy cow* 1s incredible to the people in
regions where the cattle are raised most
ly for beef and hides.
Judge Graut was in Little lioek Ar
kansas in attendance' on the United
States (’ourt. One mornhig he saw n
farmer with a slouch hat and a genuine
butternut suit, trying*to sell a cow in the
market there. It was a large long-horn
ed animal, and a planter was informing
a mail that the cow would give four
quarts of milk a day, if fed well.
-Up Stepped the Judge. " What do
you ask for that cow?"
*“ About #S(). She’ll give fi#e quarts
of nulk, if you fted her well, 4 replied
the planter, and he proceeded to des
cribe her good qualities.
Said the Judge: “I have cows on
my farm, not much more than half as
big as your cow, which *givc twenty to
twenty-five quarts of milk per day.”
The planter eyed tho Judge sharply
for a moment, as it trying to remember
whether he ha<l ever seen him before or
not, and then asked : “ Stranger, where
do you live ?’’
“ My home is in lowa."
‘'Yes, stranger, I don’t dispute it.
There was hfcaps of sogers from lowa
down here during the waf, and, stranger,
they was all the firedost liars in the
Yankee army. Mcbbe you mought be
an officer in some of them regiments.”
The Judge slid for the court house.
planets in the solar system, is about
2,700,000,000'fr0m the sun. It is sup
posed that Mercury has mountains
higher than our liimnkiyas, and volca
noes in a state of activity’. Out of all
the myriad lights in the heavens the
earth is only visible to the moon, Mars,
Mercury and Venus. The cartli is 740
times smaller than Saturn, and its mean
distance from us is over 01,000,000
miles. Uranus can never see us at all,
as it is 1,758,000,000 miles from the
sun. The temperature in Mercury is
supposed to be seven times hotter than
our torrid zone; therefore if it is in
habited it must be by people very dif
ferently constituted from ourselves. It
is believed that Venus has an atmos
phere much like ours, and mountain
peaks five or six o times higher than the
Teneriffe, their sides bright witli flow
ers and birds of brilliant plumage.
The moon never leaves our globe;
therefore it is called our satellite*
Though to ns it appears larger than the
stars, it is really smaller than any of
them, hut much nearer to us. Astron
omers have calculated that the moun
tains and extinct, volcanoes in the moon
are higher than any on our earth. If
there were any one on the moon to sec
it. the earth would appear to them a
magnificent hall. The planets and sun
would move behind it in brilliant suc
cession. Our globe appears to Mars as
the morning and evening star.
The Deacon’s Proposal.
In the town of Hopkinton, Mass.,
lived a certain Deacon Small. In his
advanced age he had the misfortune to
lose the rib of his youth. After doing
penance by wearing weed on his hat a
full year, In; was recommended to a cer
tain Widow Hooper, living in an ad
joining town. The Deacon was soon
astride of his old brown mare, and on
arriving at the widow’s door ho discover
ed her in the act of turning the suds
from her washtubs. Said the Deacon
“ Is this Widow Hooper?”
“Yes, sir,” was the reply.
“Well,” continued the Deaeon, “I
am that little bit of an old dried-up
M
Deacon Small, and have only one ques
tion to propose to you.”
“ Please propose, sir.”
“ Well, madam,” said the deacon,
“ have you any objection to going- to
Heaven by way of Hopkinton ?”
“None at all, Deaeon,” was the reply.
“ Come in, Deacon.”
Suffice it to eay that they were mar
ried the next dav.
*■ * Hnrttthli 900
To alilfbst every intelligent uduTt the,
properties and powers of the telescope
are known. Its use is to bring distant
objects nearer tjie eye, rendering vision
complete that was indistinct and dim
beforft By viewing nenr“objects they
are greatly magnified owing
to the power of tho instrument. A
very small bird seen a* a distance of
twenty paoes will appear ’as large’ or
even larger than the largest turkey.
Objects entirely invisible to the naked
eye will appear very distinctly. Jt„ii?
said by mathematicians to be ji bad
rule that will not work both waya, fetid
we find that rtio telescope is no excep-*
tldh to the rule, viz : if the ends of the'
instrument arc exchanged, i’ eZ look,
through the object glass, using the eye.,
glass for an object glass, objects will
he Just as much diminished in size as*
the}' were enlnrged by looking through
the instrument properly. For instance,'
look at a large horse twenty paces off,,
and he will appear no larger than a,
hare; remove him to the distance o£
fifty yards, and you oan scarcely gge
him ; put him a hundred yards away/
and you cannot see any horse at all.
As almost all nature teaches a moral, E,
think the telescope does so in a vwry.
eminent, an<J I am Sorry th say, in some
instances, ill a very u upraise worthy
gree. How often do we magnify our
good (?) actions ! If we give a nickel
to any benevolent, institution, it looks
larger than the wheel of a carry log.
If one of our neighbors should give a
silver dollar for the same purpose, wo
change ends witli the glass, and tho
dollar seems as diminutive iu size as a
pin head. We become enraged and in
a perfectly frenzied condition fora very
trifling provocation, and swdar and do
and say a great many foolish and sin
ful words ; but we directly say that wo
were justified in doing so, because the
trial was so great. Let <6hc of our
neighbors be *9OOll in a grocery, no mat
ter wlmt business he had there; let
him utter a little joke that hurts, and
we are ready to hang him, for one and
bent him to death.for the other. A,
aul a U *-* • 1 '""’a
good reason for not going. After
awhile B. asks A. to help him raise a
house; but A. has urgent and impor
tant business at a distance to attend to
and cannot go. 11. will admit no ex
cuse ; but he ’goes on furiously and
foolishly about A., calling him no neigh
bor, a pest in the settlement, &c. Let
a nmn owe us a small sum and be
tardy iu paying it. or perlmps, owing
to circumstances beyond his control,
never pays it at all, and we load him
with more maledictions and anathemas
than a mule could pull; but let our
good neighbor to whom we owe several
hundred dollars, even hint to us that
he needs it, and the fat and kerosene
nre in the Are in a moment, and we
charge him with being stingy and sel
fish and hard.
As well as others, Christian denomi
nations view things in this distorted,
one-sided manner, viz : one denomina
tion puts the telescope to the eye, and
he sees immersion clearly; he ex
changes ends, and because he sees no
sprinkling there, he fyiys there is none.
Another takes his Oospel telescope,
wipes the glasses well, smokes it with
burning salt, and then puts it to his
eye and looks into the Bible and sees
no mode but sprinkling. lie changes
ends, and because he sees no immer
sion there lie says there is none.
Would any person believe that rail
road matters are ever viewed in this
distorted, one-sided manner ? It is so.
One community looks through the tel
escope, and sees plainly that a road
would be of great benefit to them ; but
they turn the glass and can see no good
that a railroad would do such or such a
place—it would not pay—it would
amount to nothing.
Have the good people of Hart and
Hartwell ever had anything to remind
them of this ? , r. 1
Friends, you have the right end of
the telescope to your eyes, and be sure
to keep it there, no matter if others re
verse the glass and say it will not pay.
If the telescope magnifies a hundred
times, ib still tells the truth; for you
will be profitted a hundred fold. Try,
every man in the County, and the road
will as surely be built as Hart County
exists. So make a long pull, a strong
pull, a liberal pull, an invincible pull, a
ppll altogether. Sambo.
The County of Richmond, of which
Augusta is the County seat, has adopt
ed the new fence lay. It is the only
county in Georgia which has the new
I law.